April 30, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to Star magazine, actor Leonardo DiCaprio is hooked on the dating app Tinder. Finally, someone has made it easy for Leo to get women. Because it was such a struggle before.

2. According to Star magazine, actor Leonardo DiCaprio is hooked on the dating app Tinder. Although, I saw ‘the Great Gatsby,’ and if he’s interested in ever getting an Oscar, his best bet is Grindr.

3. According to reports, heavily tattooed wrists can prevent the new Apple Watch from working properly. And I’m assuming those guys can’t wear the watch on their ankles because of the court mandated ankle monitor.

4. According to South Korean intelligence, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has executed 15 senior officials so far this year. You know, with a solid 40 time, he could get drafted today by the Patriots to play tight end.

5. A recent Instagram photo showed the cast of the popular Disney show ‘Lizzie McGuire’ all together for a reunion. “I didn’t do it on purpose, it just ended up that way,” said the shift-manager at Applebees.

6. A notorious hacker claims to have devised a technique that will crack the combination to any Master Lock in under two minutes. So congratulations to that criminal mastermind, hope you like dirty gym clothes.

7. Scientists have identified chemical markers in urine that are linked to body mass, offering clues about why obese people are more likely to develop illnesses such as cancer, diabetes, stroke and heart disease. The first clue, their urine is 80% Mountain Dew.

8. On Wednesday, Arkansas Derby winner American Pharaoh was installed as the favorite for this weekend’s 141st Kentucky Derby. Marking the first time in history anyone has ever uttered the phrase, “He’s got a good chance as succeeding, after all, he was a winner in Arkansas.”

9. Budweiser is being criticized for its latest tagline “Bud Light, the perfect beer to remove ‘no’ from your vocabulary for the night.” As is “Yeah, I guess I’ll have a Bud Light.”

10. On Wednesday, Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton urged policemen throughout the country to use body cameras. Or, as Bill Clinton heard it, “She’s finally warmed up to the idea of role playing and I can video tape it.”

April 29, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new survey, 1 out of 4 Americans didn’t exercise at all last year. And, according to a survey I conducted with my eyes, the remaining 3 out of 4 Americans are liars.

2. According to reports, Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont will announce his candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination on Thursday. Sanders is hoping to capitalize on Obama’s low approval numbers, because what’s the opposite of a black president? A white guy from Vermont.

3. According to a new study, six-year-olds whose mothers were severely obese before pregnancy are more likely to have emotional problems when they grow up. Of course those emotional problems will lead them to sleeping with fat chicks, and thus, the circle of life is complete.

4. Today, the Baltimore Orioles will host the Chicago White Sox in a game closed to the public due to the ongoing riots in Baltimore. After the game, the White Sox are scheduled to play a three-game series in Cleveland against the Indians, so that will be four games in a row the White Sox have played in front of empty stadiums.

5. Hollister and Abercrombie & Fitch announced that they will stop using shirtless male models at store openings and events. While McDonalds will continue the practice, out of necessity, because their employees can’t afford shirts.

6. A Dutch designer has created a sex toy that can hold cremated ashes and comes with a speaker and perfume in order to recreate an intimate night with a deceased loved one. Said the inventor, “I miss you, grandma.”

7. Kate Middleton, the pregnant wife of Prince William, is past her due date and, as a result, doctors may have to induce her into labor. Good luck with that because, if history is any guide, this is not a family that’s big on labor.

8. Yesterday, possible presidential hopeful Jeb Bush said he believes Puerto Rico should become the 51st state. While his brother George disagreed, saying Jeb “couldn’t be more wrong,” and Puerto Rico would become “the 43rd state.”

9. Colombia’s health ministry has recommended suspending a herbicide used in aerial spraying of cocaine crops after a report by the World Health Organization found it to be a likely cause of cancer. Because, as everyone knows, coke-heads are notoriously strict about what they put in their bodies.

10. Yesterday, it was announced that Lifetime has greenlit a movie entitled “The Unauthorized Full House Story” with casting to begin immediately. You know it’s gonna be pretty sad when Dave Couiler loses out on the part of Dave Couiler.

April 28, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Google said it plans to launch an experimental portal that will allow patent holders to sell their patents to Google. It’s all part of Google’s plan to eventually own everything.

2. A Connecticut teenager who was forced by the state Supreme Court to undergo chemotherapy for her cancer was released on Monday in good health after finishing treatment. The teen celebrated by laying out in the sun and standing too close to the microwave.

3. In a recent interview, Mama June from “Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo” revealed that she’s bisexual. Which is the best example ever of the phrase “Beggars can’t be choosers.”

4. According to a new survey, a round of golf takes too long, keeping golfers on the course and out of their homes away from their families for up to four hours at a time. Said husbands, “Yeah, that’s the point.”

5. On Monday, in an interview with NBC, reality TV star Kim Kardashian pledged her full support for her stepfather Bruce Jenner, who said last week that he identifies as a woman. Said Kim, “I’m just so happy that Bruce spoke up and, as a result, I got more airtime.”

6. During a recent appearance, famed British physicist Stephen Hawking weighed in on Zayn Malik’s recent departure from the boy band One Direction. Said Hawking, “If they’re looking for a replacement, I’m already auto-tuned.”

7. On Monday, Chipotle became the first major U.S. restaurant chain to serve food 100% free of genetically modified organisms, or GMOs for short. Not to be outdone, Taco Bell proudly announced that, from now on, they will only be using 100% organic horse meat.

8. Mary Pat Christie, the wife of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, resigned from her Wall Street job last week, fueling speculation that her husband will make a run at the White House in 2016. Great, just what Christie needs, more dead weight to lug around.

9. In an effort to prevent people from taking apart the new Apple Watch to see how it works, the device was made with chips encased in resin and is held together by very rare screws. Which means for Apple geeks, the new watch is the second hardest thing for them to get into, behind a girl’s pants.

10. France has been disqualified from the equestrian competition in the upcoming 2016 Rio Olympic Games due to a positive drug test result. Officials became suspicious of the horse when, during the jumping event, it ran through, instead of over, every obstacle.

April 27, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The in-house investigators assigned to look into Brian Williams’ past reports have documented at least 10 instances of exaggerations and embellishments. Even worse, before Williams reported on the findings, it was only 6 instances.

2. China is cracking down on the popular trend of hiring strippers to perform at funerals. Said the Chinese government, “There should only be one stiff in the room.”

3. About a dozen Native American actors walked off the set of Adam Sandler’s latest movie saying the script was insulting to their people. And by “their people” I assume they meant people with brains.

4. In a recent interview, former Republican Senator Rick Santorum said he would not attend the wedding of a gay friend or loved one. “Why are we the ones being punished?” said Santorum’s straight friends.

5. The new Avengers movie, which premieres in the U.S. this Friday, has already opened overseas and raked in over $200 million. I haven’t seen the movie, I don’t know the plot, but with returns like that I do know one thing for sure, Johnny Depp’s not in it.

6. Last week, a Florida grandmother was arrested for drunk driving while wearing a bikini. But, in her defense, she’s 27.

7. According to reports, ABC is set to reboot the Muppets TV show with a more adult theme. For instance, I hear in one episode the Swedish Chef shows off his Swedish meatballs.

8. In his recent sit-down interview with Diane Sawyer, Bruce Jenner revealed that he is transitioning into a woman and is also a Republican. Which means, once Bruce’s transition is complete, it will be yet another case of a old Republican man telling a women what she can and can’t do with her body.

9. According to reports, the aerial view on Google Maps of the remote Pakistani city of Rawalpindi contains an image of the Android robot pissing on an Apple logo. Tech experts called it a “petty move,” while R&B singer R Kelly called it “a waste of perfectly good urine.”

10. Samsung teased the market with hints of its own smartwatch on Friday, the same day that rival Apple’s long-awaited device went on sale. Said Samsung, “We would have released our watch earlier, but we had to wait for Apple to come up with the idea first.”

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Starbucks announced on Tuesday that it will open up a store in Ferguson, Missouri. As part of its grand opening, the store will run a promotion where any customer who orders a black coffee will be given a free shot … of espresso.

2. On Wednesday, the NBA announced that it will stage its first ever exhibition game in Africa later this year. It will be called the Inaugural Donald Sterling Nightmare Classic.

3. On Wednesday, police in Utah arrested a 25-year-old man on suspicion of arson after he told officers he lit a brush-fire that burned dozens of acres to signal for help after his car got stuck. Even worse, turns out he just had the parking brake on the whole time.

4. Prostitutes from Nevada’s famous brothel the Moonlight Bunny Ranch have launched a campaign called “Hookers for Hillary.” “See, I told you all my ‘polling’ would pay off,” said Bill.

5. According to a new poll, Spirit Airlines ranked last in customer satisfaction. Although, the results were a little bit skewed since most passengers of Malaysian Airlines weren’t able to fill out the questionnaire.

6. It was announced on Monday that Netflix has ordered a reunion special for the beloved TV show “Full House.” If Uncle Jesse and Uncle Joey both attend, it will mark the first time in television history that that many uncles were in one house, at one time, without having to explain themselves to Chris Hanson.

7. Kraft Foods said on Monday that it is revamping its popular macaroni-and-cheese product, removing synthetic colors and preservatives from the boxed dinner. So, apparently, Kraft is now selling an empty box.

8. On Sunday, Molly Schuyler, a 124-pound mother of four, ate three 72-ounce steaks, three baked potatoes, three side salads, three rolls and three shrimp cocktails in under 20 minutes to win a eating competition in Texas. And, just like that, Chris Christie has a running mate.

9. Kendall Schler, who was originally declared the winner of this year’s St. Louis Marathon on April 12, had her title taken away and was officially disqualified after it was discovered that she had cheated to win the race. Officials became suspicious when they noticed her name was Kendall and not Ndereba.

10. Actor Ben Affleck is facing controversy after reportedly asking producers of PBS’s genealogy show “Finding Your Roots” to exclude details about his ancestor’s embarrassing slave-owning past. Just like future generations of Affleck’s will ask similar shows to exclude any mention of their family’s embarrassing Gigli-making past.

April 24, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Starbucks announced on Tuesday that it will open up a store in Ferguson, Missouri. As part of its grand opening, the store will run a promotion where any customer who orders a black coffee will be given a free shot … of espresso.

2. According to a new study, Switzerland is the happiest country in the world. While the least happiest country is who ever gets stuck talking to Switzerland.

3. Yesterday, the New York Mets tied a franchise record by winning their eleventh straight game. The team credits their recent run of success to key offseason moves, strong leadership in the clubhouse and playing the Phillies eleven times in a row.

4. On Wednesday, would be presidential assassin John Hinckley Jr. asked a federal court for his “unconditional release” from prison. While pleading for his freedom, Hinckley said he truly believes, if he were alive today, his target Ronald Reagan would be willing to forgive and forget, especially forget.

5. According to a new study, children born to women who suffered severe nausea and vomiting during pregnancy are more likely to be diagnosed with neurological disorders. Especially if that morning sickness was the result of heavy drinking the night before.

6. This week, Dallas Cowboys defensive end Greg Hardy was suspended without pay for the first 10 games for conduct detrimental to the NFL. And that conduct must have been pretty bad since Aaron Hernandez only got five games.

7. Actor Ben Affleck said Tuesday he regretted asking a PBS documentary show profiling his ancestors to not include a relative who owned slaves because he was embarrassed. And this is a man who promoted “Gigli” for three months with a straight face, so you know he doesn’t embarrass easily.

8. A tradition of people mud-wrestling pigs at a Wisconsin church’s summer fundraiser has been halted after 81,000 people signed an online petition over concerns of animal abuse. “I guess we’ll go back to the previous tradition,” said the priest, “someone oil up the altar boys.”

9. Construction workers unearthed 43 dinosaur eggs while doing road repair work in China on Sunday. To see that many unviable eggs in one place, anywhere else in the world, you’d have to watch “the View” weekday mornings on ABC.

10. Over the weekend, French customs seized more than two tons of cocaine aboard a sailboat in the Caribbean. Authorities became suspicious when the sailboat was doing well over 60 mph even though there was no wind.

11. According to reports, presidential candidate Rand Paul’s son, William, received a DUI citation over the weekend. But, in his defense, the Secret Service agent assigned to drive him around was drunker than he was.

12. Paris Hilton’s pet chihuahua Tinkerbell died this week at the age of 14. So I guess Nicky is back to being the brains of the operation.

13. According to a new study, children who learn about preventing sex abuse in school more often report abuse in their own lives than do kids who are not taught about it. “That’s why you gotta home-school,” said Woody Allen.

April 23, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Expected presidential candidate Jeb Bush has lost 20 to 30 pounds on the popular caveman diet. Bush reportedly got the idea while listening to his brother try to string a sentence together.

2. On Wednesday, the NBA announced that it will stage its first ever exhibition game in Africa later this year. It will be called the Inaugural Donald Sterling Nightmare Classic.

3. Japanese jeweler Ginza Tanaka unveiled a gold Darth Vader mask on Wednesday. It’s perfect for the guy who wants to tell his long-lost son that he is his father and is also kind of a douchebag.

4. On Wednesday, police in Utah arrested a 25-year-old man on suspicion of arson after he told officers he lit a brush-fire that burned dozens of acres to signal for help after his car got stuck. Even worse, turns out he just had the parking brake on the whole time.

5. Google will now let users download and export their entire search history. “Looks like I’m a Bing user now,” said married men everywhere.

6. Prostitutes from Nevada’s famous brothel the Moonlight Bunny Ranch have launched a campaign called “Hookers for Hillary.” “See, I told you all my ‘polling’ would pay off,” said Bill.

7. On Tuesday, a Virginia appeals court ruled that the man who donated the sperm that a woman used to impregnate herself with a turkey baster has a legal right to be a part of his son’s life. The court ruled that weekend visitation rights would rotate evenly between the mother, the father and the turkey baster.

8. Scientists have discovered a new species of frog in Costa Rica that looks exactly like Kermit the Frog. So it looks like Kermit has a little explaining to do to Ms. Piggy since that’s where his bachelor party was.

9. During a Q&A session at the White House on Wednesday, a young girl told First Lady Michelle Obama that she looks great for her age. After which, President Obama was seen slipping the girl some cash.

10. According to the Wall Street Journal, former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Florina will launch her campaign for the 2016 U.S. Republican presidential nomination on May 4th. Which hopefully means I can write off those $35 ink cartridges as political donations.

April 22, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. “Secret Garden” an adult coloring book is currently number four on Amazon’s best seller list. Said Vice President Joe Biden, “Who can color at a time like this? Waldo is lost.”

2. According to a new poll, Spirit Airlines ranked last in customer satisfaction. Although, the results were a little bit skewed since most passengers of Malaysian Airlines weren’t able to fill out the questionnaire.

3. It was announced on Monday that Netflix has ordered a new spin-off series of the beloved TV show “Full House” entitled “Fuller House,” which I assume is a reference to Dave Coulier’s current weight.

4. It was announced on Monday that Netflix has ordered a reunion special for the beloved TV show “Full House.” If Uncle Jesse and Uncle Joey both attend, it will mark the first time in television history that that many uncles were in one house without having to explain themselves to Chris Hanson.

5. An animal rights group has been granted a court hearing in which it will argue that two chimpanzees who live at a New York state university cannot be held captive because they are autonomous, intelligent creatures. Although, if that state university is SUNY Buffalo, they may want to re-think the “intelligent” part of that argument.

6. Expert suggests that California’s on-going drought may lead to increased prices for denim. So, it looks like Jay Leno may finally have to dip into his Tonight Show money.

7. A man in Britain sent a video of himself having sex with his dog to his girlfriend by accident. Said the apologetic boyfriend, “She means nothing to me. We’re just man’s best friends with benefits.”

8. A Japanese train hit 374 miles per hour on an experimental track in Yamanachi on Tuesday. If put into the use, the train will immediately make rail travel quicker and math problems easier. The two trains will meet right now.

9. On Tuesday, USA Today reported that conservative billionaire Charles Koch is considering giving money to several candidates for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination before settling on a single one. So, if you hate gay people and love free money, you might want to consider running for the Republican presidential nomination.

10. On Tuesday, researchers said the brains of babies reacted similarly to adults when exposed to the same painful stimuli, suggesting they feel pain much like adults do. You can read more about the study in this month’s edition of Casey Anthony’s Private Journal of Medicine.

April 21, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A humanoid robot which can mimic human expressions greeted visitors to a Hong Kong electronics fair on Saturday. And, despite your opinions of the man, it was great to see Mitt Romney working again.

2. In a soon to be released book, Elon Musk reveals that he almost sold his multi-billion dollar electric car company Tesla to Google in 2013. Not to be outdone, AskJeeves just put in a very respectable offer on a 1992 Geo Metro.

3. On Monday, a federal judge ruled that the taxi-haling app Uber must face a lawsuit accusing the popular ride-sharing service of discriminating against blind people. Which is ridiculous, because if they didn’t want to drive blind people, instead of refusing, just take them a block and tell them they’re there.

4. Kraft Foods said on Monday that it is revamping its popular macaroni-and-cheese product, removing synthetic colors and preservatives from the boxed dinner. So, apparently, Kraft is now selling an empty box.

5. China is considering a ban on advertisements for infant milk formula in a bid to tackle low levels of breast feeding in the country. Unless your baby is a girl, then they are considering a ban on all types of feeding.

6. On Monday, a U.S. appeals court ruled that Asian-American rock band the Slants, which chose its name as a way to reclaim a term usually considered a racial slur, cannot trademark its name because it is disparaging. “What if you’re the reason your band name is now a disparaging term?” said Nickelback.

7. Jeralean Talley, the world’s oldest known living person, told reporters that she is excited to celebrate her 116th birthday next month. Or, as her friends are referring to it, getting way ahead of herself.

8. On Sunday, Molly Schuyler, a 124-pound mother of four, ate three 72-ounce steaks, three baked potatoes, three side salads, three rolls and three shrimp cocktails in under 20 minutes to win a eating competition in Texas. And, just like that, Chris Christie has a running mate.

9. According to reports, billionaire brothers Charles and David Koch, the influential conservative donors, have settled on Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker as their top choice to win the 2016 Republican presidential nomination. The Koch brothers said the last time they had such a difficult choice determining which candidate to back, they ended up chosing Uday over Qusay.

10. According to a new study, consumption of chamomile tea was linked to a lower risk of thyroid cancer. Which is great news for librarians everywhere.

April 20, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Kendall Schler, who was originally declared the winner of this year’s St. Louis Marathon on April 12, had her title taken away and was officially disqualified after it was discovered that she had cheated to win the race. Officials became suspicious when they noticed her name was Kendall and not Ndereba.

2. Actor Ben Affleck is facing controversy after reportedly asking producers of PBS’s genealogy show “Finding Your Roots” to exclude details about his ancestor’s embarrassing slave-owning past. Just like future generations of Affleck’s will ask similar shows to exclude any mention of their family’s embarrassing Gigli-making past.

3. On Friday, Univision announced its top-rated variety show “Sabado Gigante” will be going off the air after a record-breaking 53 years. So now, if you want to watch over-the-top characters, wearing too much make-up, yell incoherently about inconsequential things, you’ll have to watch “the View.”

4. Over the weekend, photos provided by state-run media showed North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un atop the country’s tallest mountain, claiming that the young leader had climbed the 2,750 meter peak himself. Sounds like someone’s trying to get in shape for bikini season.

5. On Friday, upon arrival at a house fire in Washington, emergency crews were surprised to discover the “Fire” and “Help” cries emanating from inside the home were coming from two parrots. The cause of the fire is still unknown, although considering someone had to teach those parrots the word “Fire,” I wouldn’t rule out arson.

6. Actors Angeline Jolie and Brad Pitt plan to legally adopt a Syrian child before summer’s end. Said Syrian children, “Hurry up!”

7. A 29-year-old man from California was rushed to the hospital last week after tearing a tendon in his left thumb as a result of playing Candy Crush non-stop on his phone for 6-8 weeks. Considering he’s the type of guy who plays video games constantly, I’m guessing he doesn’t have a girlfriend, so, for his sake, let’s hope he’s right-handed.

8. UCLA basketball recruit Soso Jamabo was arrested early Sunday and charged with evading arrest, minor consumption of alcohol, minor in possession of alcohol, speeding, driving without possessing a driver’s license and disregarding a stop sign. He was also initially charged with giving police a false name.

9. Former Governor and FoxNews host Mike Huckabee said on Friday that he will make an announcement on May 5 about whether he will run for president in 2016. “You’re doing it backwards,” said Sarah Palin, “you run for president to get a show on FoxNews.”

10. On Friday, Microsoft unveiled touch-friendly Office apps that allow Windows phone users to work on Word, PowerPoint and Excel documents on their phones with touch commands and to transfer them easily between devices. The hard part is finding another person who has a Windows phone to transfer those documents to.