September 9, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. A man in Florida parked his Smart car in his kitchen to protect it from Hurricane Dorian. “Yeah, same,” said Billy Joel looking at his car at the bottom of his pool in Trenton, New Jersey.

2. Pope Francis got trapped in an elevator for twenty-five minutes on Sunday. And I gotta admit, it doesn’t give me a lot of confidence that the guy in charge of the resurrection of Christ can’t even get an elevator to rise. 

3. A street sweeper in Thailand has become an internet sensation after a picture of her carrying her dog on her back while sweeping the streets of the Thai capital went viral. I don’t see what the big deal is, I carry much lunch to work everyday too.

4. According to a recent interview, actress Jennifer Lopez asked Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who has been married for over fifty years, for marriage advice. Ginsburg top piece of advice, “Don’t marry that queer A-Rod.” 

5. The account of Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey was hacked on last Friday, sending tweets that included racial slurs and curse word. President Trump’s account was also hacked, but no one noticed the difference.

6. A large scientific study into the biological basis of sexual behavior has confirmed there is no single “gay gene” but that affects whether a person has same-sex sexual partners. “No single gay Gene!” said an irate Gene Shalit: 

7. A 96-year-old celebrated his birthday on Saturday by breaking his own record as the world’s oldest active scuba diver for the third year running. The man said his plan is to do this every year until he reaches his ultimate goal of setting the record for deepest underwater corpse.

8. Last week, a woman broke into a Texas Botox clinic and stole $20,000-worth of anti-aging products. Police are looking for a 5’7”, caucasian woman between the ages of 8 and 68. 

9. While performing at this year’s VMA award show, singer Lizzo performed backed by a giant inflatable ass. Not to be confused with Limp Bizkit, who are always fronted by a giant ass:

10. According to a new study, former professional football players with a history of concussions may be more likely to experience erectile dysfunction. That story again, apparently Anthony Cromartie didn’t suffer any concussions:

11. ZAO, a new Chinese app that lets users swap their faces with celebrities, sports stars or anyone else in a video clip, racked up millions of downloads over the weekend. “You’’ll be hearing from my lawyers!” yelled an enraged Nicholas Cage (and/or John Travolta).

12. Rapper Nicki Minaj took fans by surprise on Thursday with an announcement that she was retiring from the music business to “have my family.” Begging the question, doesn’t Keisha want a family too?

13. Last week,Hitler’s last living relative, Romano-Luka Hitler, was convicted of pedophilia after kissing a thirteen year old girl. Said Romano, “Can we go back to the headlines of me being related to Hitler?”

14. According to a new study, the back-to-work blues that set in on Sunday night are a real phenomenon. “They way I that I combat it is that I never start working in the first place,” said President Trump. 

15. A senior Justice Department official resigned after being found to have watched porn on a government computer. Although, in his defense, he may have just been doing work-related research:

April 8, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new report, volunteers cleaning up trash from a New Jersey beach picked up 565 condoms last year. That’s crazy, how can you figure out what’s trash and what’s just a part of New Jersey? 

2. The owners of Krispy Kreme recently admitted to a family history that includes ties to the Nazi party in Germany.“Well I’m definitely gonna eat there more often now,” said Steve Bannon every day for the pasty twenty years. 

3. On Tuesday Connecticut Huskies women’s basketball head coach Geno Auriemma said, “The majority of coaches in America are afraid of their players.” “No shit,” said Bill Belichick:

4. On Monday, Pope Francis repeatedly withdrew his right hand as a long line of people bowed and tried to kiss the ring on it. Said the Pope, “Lower.”

5. According to a new study, combining sex and drugs is common among all genders and sexual orientations, with people in Britain most likely to engage in the practice. That story again, the Queen gets turnt: 

6. Brooklyn Councilman Robert Cornegy, who measures 6-foot-10-inches, was named world’s tallest politician. A record that will stand until Donald Trump’s next physical.

7. A University of Hartford student has been charged with attempted murder after he stabbed two of his classmates while re-enacting a movie scene for a drama class. But, on the plus-side, it sounds like he’s a shoe-in for the part of Officer Nordburg in the university’s production of ‘The Naked Gun’:

8. A lawyer for former New York Knick and current Dallas Maverick Kristaps Porzingis said Monday that a woman accusing him of rape is lying in an attempt to extort the Latvian basketball star by running his name through the mud. Said Porzingis, “I’ll pay whatever it takes, I just don’t want this to get out, people can’t know I was once a Knick.”

9. A hotel in England has launched so-called “lemoga” class which allows guests to do yoga in a room filled with lemur monkeys. It’s perfect for anyone who doesn’t want to do hot yoga, but still wants the smell.

10. Justin Bieber has apologized for joking about his wife being pregnant on April Fools’ Day after drawing criticism from some who felt it was insensitive to those dealing with fertility issues. It was also insensitive to those people who are very scared of there being more Biebers in the world. 

11. A court in Michigan this week ruled that giving a police officer the middle finger is an act of free speech. Said one officer upon seeing a black guy flick him off, “HE’S GOT A GUN!”

12. The Kremlin said on Monday, Russia is ready to improve ties with the United States but it is up to Washington to make the first move. Luckily, ’making the first move’ is one of Trump’s specialities:

13. A South Carolina man was arrested after driving around a college campus not wearing pants. So heads up Oregon Duck:

14. In a recent op-ed, George Conway, husband of White House advisor Kellyanne Conway, says that, despite the findings of the Mueller Report, President Trump is unfit for the office. Other thing Trump is unfit for: marriage, fatherhood, an size extra-large shirts:

15. This week, comedian Volodymyr Zelensky took the lead in Ukraine’s presidential elections. “What’s it like to have a president who people laugh at on purpose?” said every Americans.

16. Former Speaker Paul Ryan said Tuesday that he doesn’t believe freshman Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez listened much to the advice he gave her about being a member of the House. So I guess she’ll have to figure out how to retire in disgrace by her mid-forties all on her own.

17. Congressional Democrats raised questions on Wednesday about security at President Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida after a Chinese woman carrying electronic devices bluffed her way through security checks last weekend. Said Trump, “Even worse, they let Eric in.”

18. White House economic adviser Larry Kudlow on Wednesday said the United States has plans to rapidly revitalize the Venezuelan economy, including financial and food planning as well as getting cash to people in the country. “Cool,” said the people of Puerto Rico.

19. On Friday, President Trump said he has the right to read the Mueller Report, but has not done so as of yet. He hasn’t gotten around to it yet because he’s already in the middle of another book:

20. According to a new poll, nearly half of all Americans still believe President Trump worked with Russia to interfere in the 2016 presidential election. That surprising statistic again, a majority of people believe Donald Trump actually worked.

September 1, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer finally met Pope Francis after being left out during President Trump’s visit to the Vatican earlier this year. Spicer and the Pope bonded overing comparing stories of what it’s like to work for a boss who has a God complex.

2. During a press conference on Monday, President Trump mistook two different blond reporters as the same woman. “Oh, maybe it’s not just a playful jokes that he always calls me Ivanka,” said Tiffany.

3. A planned film adaptation of ‘Lord of the Flies’ is the works that will feature an all female cast. The writer got the idea for an island full of women who turn on each other after hanging out with a group of women for more than five minutes.

4. A constipated gorilla at the Topeka Zoo in Kansas underwent surgery last week. The gorilla is still constipated, but, now, has a really nice set of tits.

5. In response to President Trump’s lackluster statements in the wake of Charlottesville, James Murdoch, the CEO of Fox, said “There are no good Nazis.” Adding, “And I should know, I’ve been looking to fill that 7pm slot on Fox News for months now.”

6. NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith said a work stoppage after the current collective bargaining agreement expires in 2021 is “a virtual certainty.” But just to be safe, the Jets decided to stop playing four years ago.

7. An 800-year-old sandstone coffin at a museum in Britain was damaged on Sunday after a family put a child into it for a photo and knocked off a small piece. Which, coincidentally, is the exact same reason Casey Anthony is banned from MOMA.

8. The president of the Girls Scouts of America has accused the Boy Scouts of America of trying to undercut the organization through a “covert campaign to recruit girls.” Although I wouldn’t call the neckerchief ‘covert’:

9. A Russian tanker built to crush ice in its path, completed a journey in record time from Europe to Asia. Thus marking the second time in recent history Russia defeated an icy and frigid opponent:

10. According to a new study, many older adults may mishear important medical information from their healthcare providers. So, yeah, there’s a good chance your grandmother’s doctor wasn’t saying she’s an “advanced dancer.”

11. Pigs that were saved from a fire in England earlier this year have been served to their rescuers as sausages by the farmer who wanted to thank the firefighters for their efforts. “They also saved us,” said the farmer’s very nervous kids.

12. Connecticut is the first state to allow judges to appoint attorneys as advocates for dogs and cats in cases of abuse and neglect. “So now I have two clients who can lick themselves,” said Steve Bannon’s lawyer.

13. On Monday, Russian gold-medal figure-skater Yulia Lipnitskaya retired from the sport at the age of 19. Or, according to Woody Allen, five years past her prime.

14. According to a new study, teens who start drinking at younger ages are more likely to have their first sexual encounter earlier than others. “Noted,” said teenage boys.

15. John Bolton, a former U.S. ambassador who at one point was a candidate to lead the State Department, claimed in an op-ed published Monday that he is no longer allowed to see President Trump. Or, as they refer to it in the Trump administration, being given ‘the Eric treatment.’

16. President Trump said he pardoned Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio in the middle of Hurricane Harry because he “assumed the ratings would be far higher.” So, maybe, if we can get a Sharknado going, he’ll announce his resignation.

17. Five people in South Africa were arrested this week for taking part in an alleged cannibalism ring after one man told police he was “tired of eating human flesh.” Proving once again, no one likes leftovers.

18. Last week, authorities in Saudi Arabia arrested teenage boy after he was seen publicly dancing to ‘The Macarena.’ And, since this is Saudi Arabia, I’m assuming it wasn’t at a bar-mitzvah.

19. ESPN analyst Ed Cunningham announced Wednesday that he is resigning from his role due to concerns regarding head injuries within the sport. In response, former NFL player and current ESPN analyst Emmitt Smith said, “Watermelon!”

20. Amazon and Microsoft announced on Wednesday a collaboration that will allow their respective voice assistants, Alexa and Cortana, to communicate with each other. But, so far, it’s just them talking shit about Siri.

21. According to a new study, young adults who use meth may have an increased risk of strokes. That story again, meth is bad.

22. President Trump’s eldest son, Donald Trump Jr., has agreed to sit down for a transcribed interview with the Senate judiciary committee. Don Jr. agreed to the meeting after the Senate judiciary committee promised to provide dirt on Hillary Clinton.

23. According to a new study, women with high concentrations of common flame retardants in their urine may have a hard time getting pregnant and carrying a baby to term. But, on the plus-side, if they do, fire-proof babies.

24. This weekend, an Asian-American actress on ABC’s ‘Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.’ claimed that Hollywood is racist. “If that’s the case, why doesn’t Hollywood like me more?’ asked Trump.

25. Last week, the White House named Hope Hicks the interim director of communications. Well, they name her director of communications, everyone else just assumed the ‘interim’ part.

July 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last Friday, a truck hauling eels over-tuned on an Oregon highway. But that’s still not the slimiest thing that’s happened on a road recently:

2. Hillary Clinton’s unused election night confetti has been repurposed and put into snow globes. There was a lot of confetti to begin with and, then, after the results came in, Hillary made some of her own:

3. According to a new study, Indonesia is the laziest country in the world. Asked what they thought of the study, the people of Indonesia said, “We’ll read it later.”

4. Last week, President Trump said his long-promised border wall will have “openings” to see through. Said Trump, “It’ll be just like the walls I built backstage for the Miss Teen USA Pageant.”

5. Russian President Vladimir Putin said on Friday that he hoped for further dialogue with President Trump after their meeting in Germany earlier this month. That story again, Putin waited the customary four days before asking for a second date.

6. According to a new study, men named Wayne are most likely to cheat on their partners. “I wish you had told me that before he broke my heart,” said Robin:

7. Pope Francis has a ‘No Whining’ sign on the door to his residence in the Vatican. Even worse, during confessional, he frequently tells church-goers to “grow a pair.”

8. Shaquille O’Neal wants to own 100 Krispy Kreme donut shops. And, apparently, he’s been letting his buddy Charles Barkley do the research:

9. United Airlines is considering a new system to resell your seat for a higher price in exchange for a reward. But, if you think about it, isn’t not having to fly United reward enough?

10. Due to low passing rates, the state of California said it will make its bar exam easier to pass. Which is good news, because at the rate in which the Trump White House is hiring attorneys, we’re gonna running out real soon.

July 13, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a new interview, President Trump said Russian President Vladimir Putin would be happier if Hillary Clinton were in the White House now. Or, as it’s more commonly referred to, buyer’s remorse.

2. Yesterday, a chunk of ice the size of Delaware broke off from Antartica. Which is impressive because if Delaware broke off the from U.S., I’m pretty sure it would take weeks before anyone noticed.

3. A funeral home in Michigan was shut down after authorities found an infestation of maggots. And, I don’t want to alarm anyone, but authorities also found a shit ton of dead bodies.

4. Some tech experts in Silicon Valley now believe that a robot would make a better president than a human. “Too late America, you had your chance,” said Mitt Romney.

5. On Wednesday, the Sri Lankan navy rescued a struggling elephant after he was swept out to sea. Heres a photo taken moments before the incident:

6. Tuesday night, co-host of MSNBC’s ‘Morning Joe,’ Joe Scarborough, announced that he is leaving the Republican party. And, if recent history is any guide, I assume he’s leaving the Republican party for Mika Brzezinski.

7. Tuesday night, co-host of MSNBC’s ‘Morning Joe,’ Joe Scarborough, announced that he is leaving the Republican party. Said the Republican party, “Oh no, where are we gonna find a replacement for a preppy, middle-aged white guy with glasses?”

8. According to a new survey, roughly four-in-ten Americans have personally experienced online harassment. “ONLINE harassment? I guess I’m just old fashioned,” said Bill O’Reilly.

9. A new mom, who tracked every penny she spent, determined that her 18-month-old baby cost her $20,000. You think that’s bad, Donald Trump’s kid just cost him the presidency.

10. This week, Pope Francis announced a new, fourth route to sainthood. The way it works is, if someone mentions their wife and you don’t follow it up with an impression of Borat saying “my wife,” you’re a fucking saint.

May 25, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, Pope Francis jokingly asked First Lady Melania Trump what she feeds the President. I don’t know, but if I had to guess, I’d say increasingly larger amounts of arsenic.

2. On Wednesday, Pope Francis jokingly asked First Lady Melania Trump what she feeds the President. And I don’t know what’s funnier, that the Pope thinks Melania cooks or that they actually eat meals together.

3. According to a new report, a group of experts have determined that President Trump’s speech has deteriorated in recent years. But I’m guilty of that too, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said “there are no words” since he took office.

4. Yesterday, President Trump met Pope Francis in Vatican City and they exchanged gifts. The Pope gave Trump a copy of Laudato Si, a book on the environment and climate change, and Trump gave the Pope a map of his electoral college victory.

5. According to reports, President Trump’s advisers are drafting plans to sell some public assets to help pay for improvements to the nation’s aging infrastructure. If they’re strapped for cash, why not rent out the White House, it rarely gets used on the weekends:

6. The entire country of Sweden has been listed on Airbnb. “Sorry, but we already bought a country this year,” said Russia.

7. This week, actor Tom Cruise confirmed that a sequel to ‘Top Gun’ is in the works, with an expected release date sometime in 2019. But, if you can’t wait until then to get your fill of dogfights in the sky, you can literally take any commercial flight.

8. Tuesday, President Trump introduced a new budget proposal entitled ‘A New Foundation for American Greatness.’ Which is good news, because the old foundation ain’t doing so hot:

9. According to a new study, good-looking scientists are less likely to be taken seriously academically than their less attractive counterparts. Well that settles it, let’s get our ugliest people to work on climate change.

10. A man in Russia recently proposed to his girlfriend by hiding the ring in his stomach wound and making her to change the bandage. That story again, a man in Russia is in the market for a new girlfriend and a new nurse.

May 22, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new report, former FBI Director James Comey once tried to blend into the curtains in the Oval Office to avoid being seen by President Trump. “Find you own hiding spot,” said Melania, who was already in those curtains.

2. Fox News on Friday announced that it had fired “The Five” co-host Bob Beckel for an untoward remark he made to an employee of color. Fox News said they cannot support that type of inflammatory language directed at an African-American unless that person is the president.

3. A GPS company is offering customers the option of choosing Donald Trump’s voice as their navigation voice. There is also a Hillary Clinton option, but, even if you ask, it refuses to give you directions to Michigan or Wisconsin.

4. According to ‘The New York Times,’ President Donald Trump bragged to two Russian officials last week that firing “nut job” FBI Director James Comey eased “great pressure” on him. The last time Trump was able to ease such pressure was the previous night when he took off his spanx.

5. A kung fu master in China used his genitals to pull a 13 ton bus. And yet, that is only the second most disturbing story involving genitals and a bus:

6. As a result of pleading guilty to sexting a fifteen-year-old girl, former Congressman Anthony Weiner will have to register as a sex offender. Thus tarnishing the otherwise good name of Anthony Weiner.

7. Huma Abedin has filed for divorce from husband and former Congressman Anthony Weiner. “You couldn’t have done this a year ago!” screamed Hillary.

8. Over the weekend, ‘Saturday Night Live’ cast member Vanessa Bayer announced that, after seven seasons, last Saturday’s episode was her last. Bayer played many beloved characters on the show, but you probably know her best from this announcement right now.

9. On Sunday, Pope Francis told a crowd of children that, when he was younger, he didn’t play soccer very well, which is how he earned the nickname “stiff leg.” Unfortunately, this was not the first time a Catholic priest told kids about a stiff body part.

10. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has demanded his government ministers attend the arrival ceremony of President Trump this morning after several of them said they were going to skip it. But, I wouldn’t get too bent out of shape about it, Trump is used to small crowds:

May 15, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1.President Donald Trump said on Saturday he wants to move quickly to nominate a new FBI director to replace James Comey. But Trump will be forced to move slower if there are stairs involved.

2. On Friday, President Trump said ousted FBI Director James Comey should watch what he says because he may have secretly taped their conversations. Ah, I see the student has become the master:

3.The world’s heaviest man, who at one point weighed 1,300 pounds, has undergone successful gastric bypass surgery. Although the operating doctor hesitated to label anything that involved him seeing a 1,300-pound man naked ‘a success.’

4. Research suggests giving your baby a non-traditional name can limit his future employment and social prospects. “Look, we tried,” said Reince Priebus’s parents.

5. Last Friday, Newt Gingrich said President Trump is “like a quarterback who gets ahead of his own offensive line so they can’t block for him.” But, in Trump’s defense, he’s pretty good at creating his own offensive lines:

6. According to a resurfaced legal document, former Fox News host Bill O’Reilly’s ex-wife claimed that she once caught O’Reilly engaging in phone sex, half-naked. Which explains whys she was okay with him getting the couch in the divorce.

7. Doctors in China said they surgically removed two ballpoint pens from a man who swallowed them more than three decades ago. Begging the question, who lent this guy a second pen?

8. On Saturday, President Trump gave the commencement speech at Liberty University, where he talked about being humbled by his faith, learning from his mistakes and his lifelong dedication to community service. I’m just kidding, he talked for three hours about his electoral college victory.

9. Pope Francis said on Saturday he would be “sincere” with President Trump despite their differences when they meet at the Vatican later this month. Adding, “But even I have my fucking limits.”

10. President Trump was given an honorary law degree on Saturday after delivering the commencement speech at Liberty University. Now that he has a law degree, Trump plans to go into business with Gloria Allred, their law firm will be called Allred & Allorange LLC.

May 8, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A member of the conservative House Freedom Caucus said that it can be difficult to negotiate with President Trump because it’s hard to tell what he’s thinking. So true, if I have one criticism of Trump, it’s that he’s too reserved with his thoughts:

2. Toyota has claimed the title of World’s Fastest SUV after a Toyota Land Cruiser hit 230 miles an hour. “Good to know,” said Al Cowlings.

3. Pornography website Pornhub announced it will be giving away greeting cards that you can give to your mom on Mothers’ Day that turn into virtual reality headsets when folded open. That way, your mom can pretend she lives in a world where her kid doesn’t send her a porn card on Mothers’ Day.

4. According to reports, Ryan Seacrest will host the revival of ‘American Idol’ that is set to air on ABC. When asked for comment, the host said, “Ryan Seacrest still hungry. Ryan Seacrest want more.”

5. The White House announced that Donald Trump will embark on his first international trip as President later this month, visiting multiple cities, including Vatican City. “Quick, close the blinds,” said the Pope.

6. A Danish brewery is using 50,000 liters of urine collected from the largest music festival in Northern Europe to produce a novelty beer. “Ew, gross, beer,” said Trump.

7. Following a “bad experience” at a Louisiana bookstore, a 71-year-old man returned and left dildos on the shelves of the store’s ‘Religion’ section. Everyone agreed they hadn’t seen a cabinet stocked with that many dildos since:

8. Over the weekend, a porn star got bitten by a shark while trying to film an underwater sex scene. The victim was immediately rushed to the nearest hospital where the doctor gave the shark a clean bill of health.

9. Last week, a 510-pound man broke into a Florida Burger King and drank more than 25 gallons of oil from the deep frier. But, in his defense, he also got a Diet Coke.

10. The sister of President Trump’s advisor and son-in law Jared Kushner was in China last week telling high-net worth individuals that if they invest $500,000 in a development in Jersey City they’ll be able to immigrate to the U.S. That’s immoral, tricking unsuspecting Chinese people into moving to Jersey.

April 21, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. New England Patriot defensive end Alan Branch said he decided to skip going to the White House to meet President Trump on Wednesday because he “couldn’t shake his hand and look my daughters in the eye.” Said Trump, “Who looks their daughter in the eye?”:

2. A professional tennis match being played at the Sarasota Open in Florida Tuesday night was temporarily interrupted by the sounds of loud sex coming from a building nearby. That story again, the couple that lives in the apartment above mine is apparently on vacation in Florida.

3. This week, Sarah Palin ate dinner with President Trump at the White House and brought along Ted Nugent and Kid Rock. That story again, the White House relaxed its “no shoes, no shirt, no service” policy.

4. On Wednesday, Fox News fired Bill O’Reilly amid sexual harassment allegations from twelve women over the past fifteen years. So, if you’re ever wondered exactly how behind the times Fox New is, the answer is fifteen years.

5. The same day he was fired from Fox News, Bill O’Reilly was spotted in Vatican City shaking the Pope’s hand. And the two have a lot in common, they’re both celibate, although not from a lack of trying by one of them.

6. British tech entrepreneur Patrick Bergel became the first man to drive a car across the Antartic, completing the feat 100 years after his great-grandfather, explorer Ernest Shackleton, failed to cross the same continent on foot. Said Bergel, “I like to think, if my great-grandfather were alive to see this, he’d call me an incredible pussy for using a car.”

7. According to a new study, having frequent sex improves your memory. Which makes it even weirder that Anthony Weiner kept forgetting to delete his browser history.

8. Colorado is set to open the country’s first drive-thru marijuana store. Although, technically, not on purpose:

9. An Oregon man’s obituary claims he died peacefully after falsely being told by his family members that Donald Trump had been impeached. His last words were reportedly “Oh no, Mike Pence!”

10. Barack and Michelle Obama have been spotted vacationing on a yacht in Tahiti with Oprah, Tom Hanks and Bruce Springsteen. “That’s ridiculous, who waits until after their presidency to vacation?” said Trump from Mar-a-Lago.

11. A high school senior in Tennessee went skydiving in a tuxedo to ask his girlfriend to prom. And, considering his first two parachutes failed and he was able to pull the chord to the last one just in time, he may want to get those tuxedo pants laundered before prom.

12. Renata Rojas of New York is paying $105,000 to visit the wreckage of the Titanic. Although, if she’s interested in seeing a sinking ship, she could save a lot of money by getting a job in the Trump White House.

13. A stage parody of the hit show “Friends” is debuting off-Broadway this year. While a parody of the hit show “The West Wing” has been running for months in D.C.

14. The International Church of Cannabis is set to open its doors for the first time next week in Denver. And I have a hunch that won’t be the only international house of worship those patrons visit that day:

15. According to a new study, having a baby can wreck your marriage. ”It’s adorable that you think those things happen in that order,” said the South.

16. According to reports, President Trump has requested a gold-plated carriage ride with Queen Elizabeth when he makes his first official visit to Great Britain. Presumably because the Access Hollywood bus was already booked.