January 31, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Experts estimate that during the SuperBowl New Jersey’s MetLife Stadium will sell almost 21,000 hotdogs. So I guess Chris Christie got a ticket to the game.

2. The first gay couple ever on a children’s channel appeared this week on an episode of the Disney Channel’s “Good Luck Charlie.” “So now maybe we can push the beds together,” said Ernie.

3. The Hong Kong tycoon who offered millions of dollars to any man who could win the heart of his lesbian daughter says the proposal is now off the table. “Really? I just got done reading the fine print,” said Chaz Bono.

4. Operators of a high-end drug trafficking and prostitution ring planning on delivering ‘party packs’ of cocaine and prostitutes over SuperBowl weekend were arrested on Thursday in New York. In unrelated news, former New York Governor Elliot Spitzer has canceled his SuperBowl party due to “unforeseen circumstances.”

5. On Thursday, while administering a search warrant on a home in California, police discovered hundreds of snakes, many of which were dead. When reached for comment, actor Samuel L. Jackson said, “I think you know my feelings on this subject.”

6. Yesterday Miami Beach police reported that a urine sample taken from Bieber after his arrest last week in Florida tested positive for marijuana, Xanax and Flintstone chewable vitamins.

7. On Thursday, Miami Beach police revealed details of Justin Bieber’s time in custody, including the results of a urine-drug test. Police say the pop star received no special treatment while in custody, but they did allow him to give his sample by peeing into a mop bucket as he is accustomed to.

8. Kid Rock will kick off SeaWorld’s “Bands, Brews & BBQs” this weekend, bucking a trend of artists dropping the show to avoid controversy about how the theme park treats its orca whales. But, if Kid Rock follows through and the stage is near the Orca exhibit it will only increase the evidence that these animals are being treated inhumanely.

9. American student Amanda Knox was found guilty of murder on Thursday for the second time by the Italian Supreme Court, in a retrial that reversed an earlier appeal judgment. “Wait, they can do that?” said O.J.

10. RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said on Thursday he accepted an apology from the president of MSNBC over a tweet from the network that said “the rightwing” might disapprove of a Cheerios television ad featuring a biracial family. Priebus added, “But none of this changes our disapproval of Snap, Crackle and Pop’s ‘lifestyle.’”

11. According to a new study, nearly 99 percent of women went ahead with an abortion after voluntarily viewing an ultrasound image of the fetus beforehand. Said the women, “At least I got one baby picture out of it.”

12. It has been reported that a thirty second commercial during this weekend’s SuperBowl will run advertisers $4 million. The last time someone paid that much money for something that lasted thirty seconds was during Tiger Wood’s divorce proceedings.

13. A new study finds, obese drivers may be at a higher risk of dying in car crashes than normal-weight drivers due to their frequent failure to buckle-up. That wouldn’t be the case if they took my advice and posted speed limit signs in drive-thrus.

January 30, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. As a result of a harsh winter storm, students in Georgia and Alabama were forced to spend the night in their schools because parents were not able to navigate the icy roads to pick them up. Look, I’ve met my fair share of people from Georgia and Alabama, and a few extra days in school isn’t gonna hurt them.

2. The retired jersey of Cavalier legend Austin Carr was stolen from the Quicken Loans Arena, where the Cavs play, sometime over the past few days. Has anyone checked the rafters of Miami’s American Airlines Arena?

3. The weather forecast for Sunday’s Super Bowl in New Jersey is getting better by the day, with no hint of snow in sight. Although, since Michael Irvin will be covering the game for the NFL Network, you can never rule of white powder making an appearance.

4. On Wednesday, the Phoenix Coyotes announced that they will change their name to the Arizona Coyotes at the start of the next NHL season in a bid to attract more fans. If you’re looking for more fans may I suggest changing your name to the Montreal Coyotes.

5. Canadian pop star Justin Bieber appeared at a Toronto police station on Wednesday after reports that he would be charged with assault stemming from an incident in December. So now seems like the perfect time to start work on that U.S.-Canada border fence.

6. Yesterday was Oprah’s 60th birthday and, to celebrate, a small party was held where she was the guest of honor and everyone catered to her every need. Or, as Stedman refers to it, a normal day in the life of Oprah.

7. According to new statistics, white people will soon become the minority in California. “Don’t look at me, I did my part,” said Arnold Schwarzenegger.

8. Outspoken actor Alec Baldwin took to Twitter on Monday to slam the TSA after he said his 5-month-old daughter was selected for a pat down. Said Baldwin, “I’m her father, I’m the one who’s supposed to demean the rude, thoughtless little pig.”

9. According to a new study, children who are overweight when they start school are far more likely to be obese by the time they become teenagers. So the solution to our weight problem is obvious, stop letting those fatties go to school.

10. Dozens of couples married live, on-air during Macklemore and Ryan Lewis’s performance at the Grammy Awards Sunday night. No one objected to any of the marriages, but many people objected to Macklemore in general.

January 29, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Hillary Clinton revealed that she hasn’t driven anyone, including herself, in a car since 1996. Not to be outdone, Bill Clinton announced that he hasn’t motorboated anyone in over four hours.

2. According to a report by British lawmakers, after exceeding its allotted budget for last year, the Royal Family is now strapped for cash. Looks like it’s time for Pippa to start shaking that sweet moneymaker.

3. Yesterday, legendary musician Pete Seeger died. I thought the Grammys were bad too, but that seems like an overreaction.

4. After more than 600 passengers on a Royal Caribbean cruise got sick, the ship is now scheduled to return to New Jersey early today. So if you weren’t sick before, the sight of the New Jersey skyline getting closer and closer should do the trick.

5. The U.S. wireless industry lobby is proposing a pilot project to test how two television stations could share the same radio frequency. If they end up combining VH1 Classic and the Food Network we may never see Chris Christie again.

6. Yesterday, NBC and the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences announced that it will move the Primetime Emmy awards, scheduled for September, from Sunday to Monday night. It was also announced the telecast will feature a mass divorce for all the people who were married at the Grammys.

7. On Monday, the IOC said that athletes at the Sochi Winter Olympics may speak their minds at news conferences, but may be punished for making statements on the podium against Russia’s anti-gay law. Said one gay athlete, “I’ll try, but if I’m on the podium after winning the bronze, that gold medalist’s junk is right at eye-level, and if he’s hot, all bets are off.”

8. Seattle Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman was fined $8,000 by the National Football League on Friday for unsportsmanlike behavior. Said Sherman, “Was the NFL talking about me!?!”

9. According to a new study, people who have been exposed to the pesticide DDT were more likely to have Alzheimer’s disease than those with no traces of the chemical in their blood. Which may explain why my gardener forgets how to speak English every time the INS comes around.

10. German police say methane gas from 90 flatulent cows exploded in a farm shed on Monday, damaging the roof and injuring one of the animals. That happens to me when I have too much milk too.

January 28, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Over the weekend, a North Carolina man flushed $2.7 million worth of counterfeit poker chips down the toilet in at Harrah’s Resort and Casino in Atlantic City. Said the hotel’s maintenance staff, “We haven’t seen a clog like this since the Governor’s last fundraising trip here.”

2. According to an anonymous survey of 320 current NFL players, 85 percent said they would play in the SuperBowl with a concussion, while 13 percent said they wouldn’t and the remaining 2 percent answered “potato.”

3. A crow and a seagull attacked two white doves released by children standing next to Pope Francis on Sunday at St. Peter’s Square. The Pope said, in the future, he will just stick with the fog machine for his entrances.

4. Hillary Clinton said on Monday that the incident in Benghazi was her biggest regret during her four years as Secretary of State. “Thanks for getting me off the hook for those four years,” said Bill Clinton.

5. The U.S. will bring 230 athletes to the Sochi Olympics, the largest delegation ever for ant country at a Winter Olympics. And it’s a good thing that it’s an even number because, with all the stories coming out of Sochi, the U.S. Olympic team should employ a buddy system, just to be safe.

6. On Saturday, the mayor of Sochi said that there were no gay people in his city. So word of advice to all figure skaters, get your outfits made before going to Sochi.

7. On Monday, New Jersey state legislators voted to merge parallel investigations into the George Washington Bridge traffic scandal surrounding Governor Chris Christie. Said Christie, “If you need a guy to set up orange cones to facilitate the merger, I know a guy.”

8. Republican Representative Trey Radel, who was charged in November with buying cocaine, resigned from Congress on Monday, saying he could no longer effectively serve the people he represents in Southern Florida. Radel said he could no longer properly represent his constituency because he’s not willing to do that much cocaine.

9. Clay Pell, the grandson of a former U.S. senator and husband of retired U.S. Olympic figure skater Michelle Kwan, indicated on Monday he intends to run for governor of Rhode Island. “Not if I have anything to say about it,” said Jeff Gillooly.

10. A new study suggests, working with a therapist to create music videos may help young cancer patients feel better about themselves and their situations. So I’m holding out hope that Justin Bieber is just a Make-a-Wish that got really out of hand.

January 27, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to Vatican sources, the Pope intends to visit the United States in 2015. Quick, everyone, hide the porn.

2. Last week, House Speaker John Boehner told Jay Leno he had no interest in running for the White House because he doesn’t want to give up red wine and cigarettes. Is it possible that he’s just throwing the red wine on his face?

3. Last week, House Speaker John Boehner told Jay Leno he had no interest in running for the White House because he doesn’t want to give up red wine and cigarettes. Also a factor in his decision, no one wants him to be President.

4. Director J.J. Abrams announced last week that he has finalized the script for the next “Star Wars” movie. “So me just waiting by me phone,” said Jar-Jar Binks.

5. Over the weekend, hackers broke into an Israeli defense ministry computer via an email attachment tainted with malicious software. So apparently the Israeli defense ministry has put my mom in charge of their email account.

6. Britain said on Sunday it will ban the sale of electronic cigarettes to children under the age of 18. So British children under the age of 18 will have to come up with a new way to make their teeth look more British.

7. Britain said on Sunday it will ban the sale of electronic cigarettes to children under the age of 18. So if you’re under 18 in Britain it looks like a non-acoustic version of Elton John is the only way you can enjoy an electric fag.

8. Dozens of couples married live, on-air during Macklemore and Ryan Lewis’s performance at the Grammy Awards last night. So now it’s just a waiting game to see which last longer, the marriages or Macklemore’s career.

9. President Obama will urge Congress on Tuesday to do more to help poor and middle-class Americans move up the economic ladder. Said Congress, “You lost us at ‘do more.’”

10. On Friday, the Supreme Court said that an order of Roman Catholic nuns need not comply with the part of President Obama’s healthcare law requiring employers to provide insurance that covers contraception. So I guess it’s back to the rhythm method, priests.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Yesterday, pop singer Justin Bieber was arrested in Miami Beach for drag racing. This is too much. First, Paul Walker. Now, Justin Bieber … hopefully.

2. Michigan Governor Rick Snyder on Thursday called for the federal government to set aside 50,000 special visas to attract skilled immigrants to live and work in the bankrupt city of Detroit. Said immigrants, “Which boat takes me back to Chechnya?”

3. Hunky actor Bradley Cooper is set to star in “The Elephant Man” on Broadway playing John Merrick, the severely deformed lead role. There hasn’t been a worst casting decision since the last time Vin Diesel was given a role that had dialogue.

4. Yesterday, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie began his second term by taking the oath office for a second time. And, if we know anything about Christie it’s that he’s great at taking seconds.

5. Only a few days removed from losing the AFC Championship, New England quarterback Tom Brady told reporters that he most likely would not be watching the upcoming SuperBowl. Which makes sense, because if, in the future, he wants to watch the game I’m sure his coach is recording it.

6. The inspiring escape-from-poverty story that helped Texas Democrat Wendy Davis rise to political prominence has now come under suspicion by some who claim that she has embellished parts of her biography to aid in her campaign for governor. Although I tend to think a former Pope wouldn’t lie about her past like that.

7. Comedian Ellen DeGeneres’ daytime talk show will be the first daily American show of its kind to be distributed in China. Ellen’s show will air daily at 4pm sandwiched between “Two and a Half Men (to Every Woman)” and “How I Bought Your Mother.”

8. Tickets to the upcoming cold-weather SuperBowl are a hot item, with some climate-control suites in MetLife Stadium priced at $1 million. Which is outrageous because there is nothing in New Jersey worth $1 million.

9. On Friday, Pope Francis had an audience with thousands of animals that had traveled from around the world to the Vatican just to receive the Holy Father’s blessing. The Pope spent the majority of time forgiving the sins of a donkey from Mexico.

10. Retired basketball player Dennis Rodman has checked himself into an alcohol treatment facility just days after returning to the U.S. from North Korea. That’s terrible news, Rodman’s back in the U.S.?

January 24, 2013 – Monolgue Jokes

1. Yesterday, pop singer Justin Bieber was arrested in Miami Beach for drag racing. This is too much. First, Paul Walker. Now, Justin Beiber … hopefully.

2. In a statement released on Thursday, the Pope said the internet is “a gift from God.” I see we’ve been frequenting the same websites.

3. Yesterday, Oreo launched two brand-new varieties of its much-loved cookie in marshmellow and cookie-dough flavor. “This has been the best year ever,” said residents of Colorado and Washington.

4. Michigan Governor Rick Snyder on Thursday called for the federal government to set aside 50,000 special visas to attract skilled immigrants to live and work in the bankrupt city of Detroit. Said immigrants, “Which boat takes me back to Chechnya?”

5. The Cleveland Browns hired Buffalo Bills defensive coordinator Mike Pettine as their head coach on Thursday. Only in Cleveland is stealing someone from the Bills considered an upgrade.

6. Toronto Mayor Rob Ford was more than an hour late for a scheduled speech yesterday because he got stuck in an elevator. Mayor Ford was only stuck for 45 minutes, so luckily he had to resort to eating just one person to survive.

7. A drive to register 250,000 new Latino voters in the run-up to this year’s mid-term elections was unveiled on Thursday. Organizers say once they are done registering the Sanchez family they’ll move on to the next 250,000.

8. Last night, Speaker of the House John Boehner chatted with Jay Leno on “The Tonight Show.” It was a conversation between a man who has over-stayed his welcome and Jay Leno.

9. According to new research, the counseling that goes along with testing for breast cancer risk genes can be delivered just as effectively over the phone as in person. Although, in my experience, making the grabbing motion with your hands while “honking” is much more satisfying in person.

10. On Thursday, Buckingham Palace announced Queen Elizabeth’s granddaughter, Zara Phillips, has named her newly born daughter Mia Grace. And, in more important news, Kate Middleton got a new haircut!

11. On Tuesday, the White House announced that President Obama will meet with Pope Francis at the Vatican in March. But, until then, he’ll be hanging out with the Dope (Joe Biden).

12. The U.S. military said on Monday that air and naval assets would be made available if needed during the Sochi Winter Olympics. The extra U.S. military support is in case of a terrorist attack, but, it’s probably a good idea if Edward Snowden stays indoors just in case.

January 23, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hunky actor Bradley Cooper is set to star in “The Elephant Man” on Broadway playing John Merrick, the severely deformed lead role. That’s gotta be the most incongruous casting decision since the last time Vin Diesel was cast in a role that had dialogue.

2. Yesterday, a prominent Virginia Republican said embattled New Jersey Governor should step down from his role as chairman of the Republican Governors Association, but preferably not along a fault line.

3. A man in Washington claims he was fired from his job at an electronics store for wearing a Denver Broncos jersey to work. But, in his defense, it was laundry day and it was the only clean shirt Tim Tebow had.

4. The historic Roe v. Wade decision, which gave women the right to choose, turned 41 years-old yesterday. Or, to put it in terms more advocates are familiar with, it’s entering its 123 trimester.

5. On Wednesday, the White House said it is not considering a financial bailout for Puerto Rico, where chronic fiscal challenges have raised the specter of a Detroit-like bankruptcy. Here’s a suggestion Puerto Rico, maybe cut back on the parade budget.

6. According to a Forbes report, the New York Knicks are the NBA’s most valuable franchise. Oh, sorry, I was holding that report upside-down.

7. ESPN reported on Wednesday, Olympic champion Shaun White has decided not to compete at this week’s X Games in Aspen in order to focus on the upcoming Sochi Winter Games. That story again, the one guy you know isn’t participating in the games you weren’t going to watch anyway.

8. Pop singer Elton John spoke out on Wednesday against Russia’s ban on homosexual propaganda, saying the law legitimized homophobia and, thus, he will not compete in the luge.

9. The Grammy Award-winning husband and wife duo Captain & Tennille have filed for divorce after 39 years of marriage. No word on who will get custody of the ampersand

10. Late last night, pop singer Justin Bieber was arrested for drag racing in Miami Beach. What made it really dangerous was that Bieber wasn’t even in his car-seat.

January 22, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, Olympic track legend Carl Lewis said back in 2011 when he was mulling over a run at a New Jersey state senate seat, Governor Chris Christie attempted to dissuade him by saying the fitness program they had been developing together wouldn’t materialize if he ran. Although that sounds less like Christie not wanting Lewis to run and more like Christie not wanting to be part of a fitness program.

2. Yesterday, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie began his second term by taking the oath office for a second time. And, if we know anything about Christie it’s that he’s great at taking seconds.

3. Yesterday MTV announced that Miley Cyrus will be starring in her own episode of the channel’s famed “Unplugged” series. An, I think you mis-interpreted my “Miley should pull the plug on her career” suggestion.

4. Only a few days removed from losing the AFC Championship, New England quarterback Tom Brady told reporters that he most likely would not be watching the upcoming SuperBowl. Which makes sense, because if, in the future, he wants to watch the game I’m sure his coach is recording it.

5. The inspiring escape-from-poverty story that helped Texas Democrat Wendy Davis rise to political prominence has now come under suspicion by some who claim that she has embellished parts of her biography to aid in her campaign for governor. Although I tend to think a former Pope wouldn’t lie about her past like that.

6. Comedian Ellen DeGeneres’ daytime talk show will be the first daily American show if its kind to be distributed in China. Ellen’s show will air daily at 4pm sandwiched between “Everyone Loves Xi Jinping” and “How I Bought Your Mother.”

7. The U.S. is offering American technology used to thwart roadside bombs in places like Afghanistan to bolster Russia’s security during the Winter Olympics. And, in related news, DON’T GO TO RUSSIA FOR THE OLYMPICS!!!!!!

8. Outspoken real estate magnate Donald Trump said on Tuesday he may seek the Republican Presidential nomination in 2016. But he’s still unsure so the media should probably pay attention to him every day for the next two years.

9. The TV writer credited with coming up with the phrase “What you talkin’ ‘bout Willis?” died at the age of 92. His last words were “Please don’t put it on my tombstone.”

10. A former Wisconsin medical examiner who took a piece of spinal cord that had been removed from a corpse to train her cadaver dog, pleaded guilty to felony charges on Friday. Said the dog, “I begged her to make me a drug-sniffing dog.”

January 21, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Tickets to the upcoming cold-weather SuperBowl are a hot item, with some climate-control suites in MetLife Stadium priced at $1 million. Which is outrageous because there is nothing in New Jersey worth $1 million.

2. After the ratings success of Carrie Underwood in “The Sound of Music Live,” NBC is set to air another live performance of a Broadway musical, this time it’s “Peter Pan.” The show isn’t set to air for months, so until then, if you want to see an American Idol winner prancing around in tights around fairies you’ll have to go to a Clay Aiken concert.

3. According to new research, people may have heightened risks of dying from suicide or murder if they own or have access to a gun. So at least there’s a potential silver lining to George Zimmerman’s gun collection.

4. Yesterday was Martin Luther King, Jr. day. Or, as Paula Deen called it, “You still have to come to work today.”

5. On Monday, the U.S. government announced that it is recalling more than a million pounds of Kraft’s Velveeta Cheesy Skillet Singles for failing to identify soy as an ingredient. And if there’s one thing I know about people who eat Velveeta Cheesy Skillet Singles, it’s that they are fanatics about what they put in their bodies.

6. Today on Facebook, Sarah Palin said that President Obama should “stop playing the race card.” But, in fairness, Palin said it in her charming folksy accent, so it didn’t sound as racist as it really was.

7. On Friday, Warner Brothers pushed back the release date of the upcoming film that will bring together Superman and Batman by almost a year. It is a mixed-bag for superhero fans. On the one hand, they’ll have to wait a year to see the movie, but, on the other hand, that gives the executives an additional year to reconsider Ben Affleck.

8. In an interview over the weekend, President Obama said if he had a son he wouldn’t let him play professional football. Luckily that means President Obama’s fictional son can still play for the Jaguars.

9. German researchers say, regardless of the culture a child lives in, corporal punishment may do lasting psychological harm. Leave it up to the Germans to require an entire study to figure out that corporal punishment is bad.

10. A new study suggests, teenagers living in single-parent households may have more difficulty getting a good night’s sleep than their peers who grow up in homes with both parents. But that’s only because they have to spend extra time at night coming up with topics to talk about over breakfast the next morning with ‘new daddy.’