February 29, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new survey, more young voters would rather have a meal with Bernie Sanders than Beyonce. So, hope you like herring with a side of schmaltz, kids.

2. On Friday, former-Mexican president Vicente Fox said that Donald Trump reminded him of Adolf Hitler. Which can only mean one thing, Fox heard about the Hitler micro-penis story.

3. MAC Cosmetics announced on Friday that it is partnering with Caitlyn Jenner to develop a make-up line. So you know that line is gonna have one hell of a concealer.

4. At the end of last night’s Academy Awards, which ran thirty minutes long, “Spotlight” won the Oscar for Best Motion Picture of the Year. So let’s hope, for his sake, the Pope’s DVR cut off the ending.

5. Because it’s a leap year, today is February 29th. It’s a phenomenon they we only get to experience every four years, like Hillary Clinton trying to smile through a grimace.

6. The Democratic National Committee has launched a social media campaign to get President Obama to nominate a replacement for Justice Scalia with the hashtag #FillTheSeat. Not to be confused with the hashtag I started to get my gross neighbor who likes to walk around naked to get dressed called #PutOnARobe.

7. A crew of goats brought in to devour invasive plants at a Oregon state park have been fired because they ate indiscriminately, cost nearly five times as much as humans and smelled far worse. Which are coincidentally the exact same reasons Steven Seagal got fired from his last movie.

8. In a campaign speech in Georgia on Saturday, presidential candidate Marco Rubio said Donald Trump “should sue whoever did that to his face.” Presumably because Rubio ran out of ‘Yo Mama’ jokes.

9. On Sunday, Republican presidential candidate John Kasich predicted that Donald Trump will sweep all 12 of the Super Tuesday states this week. But, you should take that prediction with a grain of salt since it comes from the guy who also predicted that John Kasich had a realistic shot at being president.

10. Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump said on Friday that if elected he would “open up” libel laws to make suing the media easier. And, in future news, Donald Trump’s lawyers have died of exhaustion.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. In a recent interview, Donald Trump’s wife Melania said her husband’s ‘amazing mind’ helped her fall for him. So I guess ‘mind’ translates to ‘money’ in Slovenian.

2. Officials at a Super PAC aimed at taking down Donald Trump said recently there is no silver bullet to get rid of Trump. Although, three years of marriage to the same woman seems to do the trick.

3. On Wednesday, Carla Hayden was nominated by President Obama to be the next Librarian of Congress. Hayden’s friends and families celebrated the nomination where upon Hayden immediately shushed them.

4. According to a new study, Baghdad, Iraq is the least livable city in the world. You’d be shocked what it costs to rent a nice spider-hole there these days.

5. Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush dropped out of the race over the weekend after spending over $150 million without winning a single primary. Jeb may not be qualified to be president, but, with a track record like that, he could easily run the Knicks.

6. This week, Waze, Google’s navigation app, added the voice of actor Morgan Freeman as an option to give directions. Unsurprisingly, the Freeman voice ends every direction given to the driver with “Yes, Miss Daisy.”

7. It was announced on Tuesday that London’s new subway line, connecting east and west London, will be named after Queen Elizabeth. And, if it’s anything like New York’s subway lines, someone will definitely show you their crown jewels.

8. Fewer babies were born in Italy in 2015 than in any year since the modern state was founded 154 years ago. Although, if I know anything about Italian men, it’s not from a lack of trying.

9. Funny man Will Ferrell was seen campaigning for Hillary Clinton alongside Bill Clinton in Nevada over the weekend. Hillary said it was great to have the star of “the Ladies Man” campaigning for her, and also Will.

10. In a recent news article, Kim Kardashian said she makes a make-shift bra out of gaffers tape before red carpet events to make her breasts look better. As a result, horny teenage boys have to be more specific now when typing “Kim Kardashian” and “tape” into Google.

February 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, Donald Trump’s wife Melania said her husband’s ‘amazing mind’ helped her fall for him. So I guess ‘mind’ translates to ‘money’ in Slovenian.

2. Engineers in Boston have unveiled a humanoid robot that can withstand getting pushed in the chest by a hockey stick without falling over. Now comes the robot’s hardest test, dating Chris Brown.

3. A bill approved this week in Iowa’s state House, would allow children of all ages to be allowed to use handguns with adult supervision. Said one armed-toddler to his mother, “Now, I’ll ask you again, do I have to take a nap today?”

4. Ben Carson said Thursday he has no plans to leave the presidential race anytime soon, despite his poor showings in the last four contests. And no one is more upset than me, because I won’t be able to make my ‘Carson is black history in Black History month’ joke. (I snuck it in anyway).

5. According to a New York Times report, nearly 300 U.S. residents have applied for jobs at Donald Trump’s Mar-a-lago residence, but only 17 have been hired. But, in Trump’s defense, many of those American workers weren’t rejected but instead wait-listed until a position becomes open like head chef or fourth wife

6. O.J. Simpson has been critical of Cuba Gooding Jr., who was cast to play him in the FX series about the infamous murder trial, saying the actor was too short and had too small of a head. Simpson went on to criticize the entire show saying, on the night of the murder, Nicole didn’t scream that much and there was a lot more blood.

7. According to airport executives, Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport, the world’s busiest airport, would prefer to be called “the world’s most-traveled airport.” And, in related news, Nadya Sulemon, the Octomom, would prefer it if you called her “the world’s most traveled uterus,”

8. A Canadian man was arrested after trying to smuggled 38 turtles into the U.S. Smuggling 38 turtles in your pants seems like a bad idea, especially after you find out that they were snapping turtles.

9. A South Carolina police officer was recently arrested for masturbating in his patrol car. The arrest marks the first time in history that a motorist got a ticket but also got off.

10. On Monday, Camille Cosby, the wife of embattled comedian Bill Cosby, was deposed at a hotel in Massachusetts in the civil suit against her husband. After the deposition Bill Cosby was in good spirits because, as he said, “No ever remembers anything that happens in a hotel.”

11. On Friday, famous author Harper Lee died at the age of 89. Lee is survived by a lot of very happy mockingbirds.

12. According to a new study, South Dakota is the state that gets the most sleep. Because, apparently, boredom-induced comas count as sleep.

13. According to a new study, Hawaii is the state that gets the least sleep. Specifically, the area around Pearl Harbor, still pretty jumpy there.

14. Last week, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker signed a law allowing people to carry concealed switchblades. And, in related news, Wisconsin’s Jet on Shark violence has increased by 1000%.

15. According to reports, former U.S. Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney will endorse Marco Rubio in the race for the party’s presidential nomination. Which is disappointing news to Hillary Clinton’s husband Bill who wanted access to Romney’s binders full of women.

16. According to a new poll, a majority of Americans believe it should be up to President Obama to nominate the next Supreme Court justice. Although, the results should be taken with a grain of salt since, when they were informed of the opening on the court, most Americans responded “Oh no, what happened to Judge Judy!?!”

17. On Friday, physicist Stephen Hawking unveiled the new Virgin Galactic spaceship and named it Unity in a recorded speech. But, when you think about it, isn’t every Stephen Hawking speech a recorded speech?

18. On Friday, Virgin Galactic unveiled a new passenger spacecraft and Virgin CEO Richard Branson offered famed British physicist Stephen Hawking the first trip into space. Meaning they will have to wait until the second trip to attempt the first space walk.

February 25, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Officials at a Super PAC aimed at taking down Donald Trump said recently there is no silver bullet to get rid of Trump. Although, three years of marriage to the same woman seems to do the trick.

2. On Wednesday, Carla Hayden was nominated by President Obama to be the next Librarian of Congress. Hayden’s friends and families celebrated the nomination where upon Hayden immediately shushed them.

3. According to a new study, Baghdad, Iraq is the least livable city in the world. You’d be shocked what it costs to rent a nice spider-hole there these days.

4. A group of ISIS supporters have released a video vowing to kill the CEOs of Twitter and Facebook. Although, I don’t think I would call Tom from MySpace an ISIS supporter.

5. Facebook rolled out ‘Reactions,’ an extension of the ‘Like’ button, worldwide on Wednesday, allowing users to express love, laughter, wow, anger, and sadness. Or, as they are more commonly known, the five stages of finding out that Donald Trump is running for president.

6. A new book claims that Adolf Hitler had a micro-penis. Which explains why, when Hitler invaded Poland, Eva Braun said, under her breath, “That’s the first thing he’s successfully invaded in years.”

7. According to a new study, half of all black gay and bisexual men in the United States are projected to be diagnosed with HIV. Which means, statistically speaking, the guy standing next to Magic Johnson is probably okay.

8. A woman in Israel lives with, feeds and cares for around 70 bats in her small apartment. That story again, now cat ladies have someone to call crazy.

9. A man in London has officially changed his name to ‘Bacon Double-Cheeseburger.’ I don’t know much about the guy, but I can guarantee one thing, he’s not Jewish.

10. British doctors say more parents are requesting “vaginal seeding”, when a swab from the mother’s vagina is wiped over a newborn’s mouth, eyes and face after a caesarean-section birth. It’s a great way to teach your kids right off the bat that there are no shortcuts in life.

February 24, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush dropped out of the race over the weekend after spending over $150 million without winning a single primary. Jeb may not be qualified to be president, but, with a track record like that, he could easily run the Knicks.

2. This week, Waze, Google’s navigation app, added the voice of actor Morgan Freeman as an option to give directions. Unsurprisingly, the Freeman voice ends every direction given to the driver with “Yes, Miss Daisy.”

3. Nissan has invented self-powered office chairs that park themselves back into their original position with a simple clap of the hands. “It takes clapping? Then I guess those chairs are staying where they are,” said Jeb Bush.

4. It was announced on Tuesday that London’s new subway line, connecting east and west London, will be named after Queen Elizabeth. And, if it’s anything like New York’s subway lines, someone will definitely show you their crown jewels.

5. A woman in Israel lives with, feeds and cares for around 70 bats in her small apartment. Unsurprisingly, much like Jennifer Garner, there is no batman in her life.

6. A man in London has officially changed his name to ‘Bacon Double-Cheeseburger.’ Which will undoubtedly result in a very stupid version of ‘Who’s on First’ when the girl behind the McDonald’s counter asks him “What’s the name on this order?”

7. NASA is inviting the public to send art to an asteroid that is deep in space on its new spacecraft. May I suggest everything that Yoko Ono has ever done.

8. Ben Carson said when he’s elected president he’ll be the first African-American to hold the position because President Obama was “raised white.” The crazy thing is Ben Carson thinking he’s blacker than President Obama is only the second most delusional part of that sentence.

9. During last night’s Democratic town hall, Bernie Sanders said a psychoanalyst would “have a field day” with Donald Trump. Begging the question, is there anything above the superego?

10. During his victory speech in South Carolina, Republican front-runner Donald Trump asked his wife Melania to say a few words. Which was good, because she only knows a few.

February 23, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Saturday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he’s not sure whether Marco Rubio is eligible for the presidency, the same claim he’s lobbied against Ted Cruz. No wonder Trump wants to build a wall, in his eyes, everyone’s an illegal immigrant.

2. According to a new survey, 53% of college students say they’re using Tinder to find friends, 27% said they’re looking for a significant other and 20% said they were looking for a hookup. That story again, 80% of people on Tinder are women.

3. Fewer babies were born in Italy in 2015 than in any year since the modern state was founded 154 years ago. Although, if I know anything about Italian men, it’s not from a lack of trying.

4. Ohio Governor John Kasich apologized Monday for telling a Virginia crowd that women “left their kitchens” to vote for him in an election earlier in his career. Kasich said he didn’t “mean to imply that all women live in the kitchen because sometimes the bathroom needs to be cleaned too.”

5. Ohio Governor John Kasich apologized Monday for telling a Virginia crowd that women “left their kitchens” to vote for him in an election earlier in his career. No wonder Kasich is against a woman’s right to choose, since, based on comments like that, they’re not gonna choose him.

6. After finishing fourth in South Carolina’s Republican primary, presidential candidate Jeb Bush suspended his campaign saying “the people of Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina have spoken.” And, much like when you ask George H.W. Bush who is favorite child is, they didn’t say Jeb’s name.

7. Yesterday, the “Daily Star” reported that former Nazi leader Adolf Hitler suffered from a condition known as hypospadias, also known as micro-penis. So there’s a chance that the cause of World War II can be traced all the way back to a shaky-handed mohel.

8. Yesterday, the “Daily Star” reported that former Nazi leader Adolf Hitler suffered from a condition known as hypospadias, also known as micro-penis. “Maybe Ted Cruz is the next Hitler,” said Cruz’s wife.

9. Under a proposed law, fashion models who want to work in California would need a doctor to attest that they are of healthy weight and not suffering from an eating disorder. Said doctors, “The best way for me judge whether you have an eating disorder is over a candle-lit dinner, let’s say my place, around 8:00.”

10. On Monday, four men attacked an Uber car and set it on fire in the Kenyan capital of Nairobi. Luckily the cow pulling the car was unharmed.

February 22, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. After his fourth-place finish in Saturday’s South Carolina primary, Jeb Bush dropped out of the Republican presidential race. As a result, Donald Trump was forced to buy an actual punching-bag to take his aggression out on.

2. After his fourth-place finish in Saturday’s South Carolina primary, Jeb Bush dropped out of the Republican presidential race. Which wasn’t surprising since I received an email announcing that Bush was dropping out of the race a few hours before the primary from the Cruz campaign.

3. On Saturday night, Hillary Clinton beat Bernie Sanders in the Nevada Democratic caucus. Bernie said the last time he was this upset around Caesar’s Palace his childhood friend was being betrayed by Brutus.

4. Funny man Will Ferrell was seen campaigning for Hillary Clinton alongside Bill Clinton in Nevada over the weekend. Hillary said it was great to have the star of “the Ladies Man” campaigning for her, and also Will.

5. On Saturday night, Hillary Clinton beat Bernie Sanders in the Nevada Democratic caucus. Hillary was overjoyed and much happier than eight years ago when the Nevada voters bet it all on black.

6. Donald Trump on Saturday suggested President Obama would have attended the funeral of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia had the service been held in a mosque. In response, President Obama promised to attend Trump’s funeral no matter where it’s held.

7. On Friday, Vatican spokesman Father Federico Lombardi said Pope Francis’s suggestion that Donald Trump was “not Christian” because of his views on immigration was not a personal attack. Instinctively, Father Lombardi started out the official Vatican statement by saying “those boys are liars.”

8. Within minutes of Jeb Bush dropping out of the presidential race Saturday night, some of his biggest donors threw their financial support behind Marco Rubio. While Ben Carson wants to know if he can borrow money for bus fare.

9. In a recent news article, Kim Kardashian said she makes a make-shift bra out of gaffers tape before red carpet events to make her breasts look better. As a result, horny teenage boys have to be more specific now when typing “Kim Kardashian” and “tape” into Google.

10. An Arabic-language hip-hop film featuring mostly Palestinian actors and directed by an Israeli won a prize at the Berlin International Film Festival over the weekend. Unfortunately, the film is ineligible to win an Oscar since it also features a black actor.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. On Tuesday, the University of Miami football program offered a scholarship to a thirteen year-old quarterback. But, for those worried that the eighth grader isn’t qualified to attend Miami, don’t worry, he reads at a 4th grade level.

2. The townhouse next to famous director Woody Allen is up for sale for $27 million dollars. And, if you buy it, you’ll definitely get to meet Mr. Allen because he’s legal required to introduce himself to his neighbors.

3. This week, Republican presidential candidate Jeb ditched his eye-glasses in favor of contacts. Unfortunately, voters still recognized him.

4. According to a new study, more than one out of three American adults do not get enough sleep. The study was conducted somewhere other than a Ben Carson rally.

5. On Saturday, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, the court’ most outspoken conservative judge, died in his sleep. And I think it’s only fair that all the women in the U.S. get to decide now what to do with Scalia’s body.

6. During Saturday night’s Republican presidential debate, Donald Trump called Ted Cruz “the single biggest liar.” And Trump may have a point, because then Cruz called Trump “a nice guy who is qualified to be president.”

7. According to reports, Americans spent approximately $681 million on Valentine’s Day gifts for their pets. Although, if you want your dog to be your valentine, all you really need is a $3 jar of peanut butter.

8. Over the weekend, rapper Kanye West tweeted that he is $53 million in debt. It’s so bad that MC Hammer is loaning him money.

9. During Thursday night’s Democratic debate, Bernie Sanders accused Hillary Clinton of “a low blow” after she compared him to Republicans. Although it seemed even more vindictive by Sanders when he referred to the low blow as “a Monica.”

10. On Sunday, a Disney cruise ship stopped in the middle of the ocean to pick up 12 suspected migrants. That story again, a Disney cruise ship now has 12 new, very convincing, Aladdins.

February 19, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, Malachi Love-Robinson, an 18-year-old Florida teen, was arrested after opening a medical office in West Palm Beach and presenting himself as a doctor. Luckily, according to the Malachi, he is also a lawyer so he will be able to represent himself.

2. Pope Francis said Thursday that GOP front-runner Donald Trump “is not Christian.”. Which, I assume, means he’s Jewish because he’s definitely not Muslim.

3. Bernie Sanders, in an interview with BET, accused Hillary Clinton of cozying up to President Obama in order to pander to African-Americans. Although, he probably could have made his point without using the words ‘dawg’ and ‘yo’ so much.

4. During Thursday night’s Republican town hall, presidential candidate Jeb Bush said recreational drug use is bad because it can prevent people from reaching their goals. For instance, I have a brother who used drugs recreationally and, now, as a result, I can’t reach my goal of being president.

5. During Thursday night’s Republican town hall, Jeb Bush said he was reading a book on his father, former president George H.W. Bush, and learned how hard it was for his dad to lose the 1992 presidential election. A lesson that he soon won’t need to learn from a book.

6. According to a new study, more than one out of three American adults do not get enough sleep. The study was conducted somewhere other than a Ben Carson rally.

7. In a recent interview, the lawyer for the recently recaptured drug kingpin El Chapo said his client feels that he’s a victim of “physical and mental torture” because guards wake him up every two hours. Oh, is he not enjoying jail. They’re not waking him up to be mean, they’re just checking that he’s still there, that happens when you keep escaping.

8. Former NFL wide receiver Reggie Rucker was charged in federal court with illegally siphoning off more than $100,000 from his anti-violence charities to pay off gambling debts and personal expenses. Authorities became suspicious when an NFL player spoke up against violence.

9. An Army lab has created a ready-to-eat pizza that lasts up to three years. Afterwhich, it can be used as a cyanide capsule.

10. On Thursday, the Senate voted 75 to 20 to approve a bill closing a loophole that allowed goods made by slaves to enter the U.S. market. “Define ‘slaves’,” said Apple.

11. Rapper Kanye West, who says he is $53 million in debt, has asked Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg to invest $1 billion into his “ideas.” So far, Kanye’s best idea is to steal $1 billion from Mark Zuckerberg.

12. Over the weekend, Sports Illustrated announced that, for the first time in the 52 year history of its swimsuit issue, three models, Ronda Rousey, Hailey Clauson and Ashley Graham, will grace the cover. Which is ridiculous, because how is Derek Jeter supposed to find time to sleep with all three of them?

13. Customers of TV and internet service provider Comcast were irate on Monday after widespread outages. “But outages imply that you had tv and internet service at one point,” said impressed Time Warner customers.

14. Police in California are asking for the public’s help after blow darts hit two people who were walking on the Golden Gate Bridge. So far here are their top suspects:
lineup

15. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump promised to stop using vulgarities on the campaign trail. Which means Trump now only has eight words in his vocabulary, and five once he realizes ‘tremendous’ is only one word.

16. During Thursday night’s Republican town hall, presidential candidate Donald Trump said he frequently eats fast food. Adding he eats a Big Mac at McDonalds, fried chicken at KFC and a chalupa covered in spit at Taco Bell.

February 18, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, the University of Miami football program offered a scholarship to a thirteen year-old quarterback. But, for those worried that the eighth grader isn’t qualified to attend Miami, don’t worry, he reads at a 4th grade level.

2. The townhouse next to famous director Woody Allen is up for sale for $27 million dollars. And, if you buy it, you’ll definitely get to meet Mr. Allen because he’s legal required to introduce himself to his neighbors.

3. On Tuesday, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush tweeted a picture of a handgun with his name engraved on it. Not to be outdone, rival candidate Donald Trump tweeted a picture of a bullet with Jeb’s name on it.

4. This week, Republican presidential candidate Jeb ditched his eye-glasses in favor of contacts. Unfortunately, voters still recognized him.

5. During a town hall in South Carolina on Wednesday night, Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson was asked, if elected, how he would make a positive impact on criminal justice reform. Carson answered by saying he would make everyone in the country wear a belt with a big buckle.

6. During Wednesday night’s town hall in South Carolina, Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson said it doesn’t make sense to house mentally ill people in prison. Adding, “When they obviously should be running for the Republican presidential nomination.”

7. On Wednesday, Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump stepped up his defense of enhanced interrogation techniques by saying “torture works.” “Agreed, there’s only so much a person can take before they break,” Said Ivana Trump and Marla Maples.

8. A German shorthaired pointer named C.J. won “Best in Show” at the 140th Westminster Kennel Club dog show in New York on Tuesday. Although, in my book, C.J. always be the second best-looking shorthaired German:
merkel

9. On Wednesday during a campaign event in South Carolina, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush said he would like to punch Donald Trump “in the nose.” Which is ridiculous because Ted Cruz has a much more punchable face.

10. Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio recently revealed that he has trouble distinguishing between the colors blue, black and green. Said a very unsatisfied Mrs. Rubio, “Yeah, there’s only one shade of grey in our bedroom.”