10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Bruce Springsteen’s 1957 Chevrolet Bel Air convertible, referenced in his iconic song “Born to Run,” is up for auction. Singer Billy Ocean is thinking about selling the car from his hit “Get Out of My Dreams and Into My Car,” but can’t as of right because he is living in it.

2. Late Tuesday night actor Alan Thicke, best known for playing father Jason Seaver on “Growing Pains,” died at the age of 69. Hey, God, you took the wrong beloved TV dad from the 80s:
cosby

3. According to a new study, the use of alcohol, marijuana, prescription medications and illicit substances declined again among U.S. teens in 2016. That story again, we’re raising a bunch of nerds.

4. According to the Committee to Protect Journalist, 257 journalist have been jailed around the world over the past year. And, yet, somehow, Geraldo still roams free.

5. A charity website is auctioning off a coffee date with Ivanka Trump. “You had me at date and lost me at charity,” said Donald.

6. President-elect Donald Trump could become the first president in 150 years to take up residence at the White House without a pet. That story again, Chris Christie will not be moving into the White House.


7. President-elect Donald Trump said on Thursday the United States needed to improve its relationship with China. And, to do so, he’s gonna call Taiwan to see if they have any ideas.

8. Last month, 25 voters in Texas cast their presidential ballot for San Antonio Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich. Even crazier, under the electoral college, he somehow won the state.

9. In a new interview, actor Tom Holland said he prepared for his role in the upcoming Spiderman movie by secretly enrolling in a New York high school. If hanging around high schoolers makes you a good Spiderman then this is the role Woody Allen has been preparing for all his life.

10. Walmart has announced it will be donating the doors from Sam Walton’s first Arkansas store to the Smithsonian Museum in Washington D.C. So at least one thing from Arkansas will make it to D.C. this year:
arkansas

December 16, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. President-elect Donald Trump said Tuesday that he’s fully mended fences with House Speaker Paul Ryan, praising him as being “like a fine wine.” As opposed to Trump himself who is more like a fine whine.

2. According to a new study, men, on average, last two minutes during sex. “Two minutes has never felt more like an eternity,” said Melania.

3. An art gallery in Los Angeles has collected 12,756 VHS copies of the film “Jerry Maguire.” If stockpiling VHS tapes of mildly amusing, rom-coms from the early 90s is considered art then my parent’s den must be the fucking Louvre.

4. After the town marshal and four reserve deputies walked off the job in protest on Monday, the small Indiana town of Bunker Hill was left without any police officers. While the protest is going on, residents are being asked to behave properly, storeowners are being asked to be vigilant and black people are being asked to shoot themselves.

5. A state trooper in New Jersey has been arrested and suspended without pay for allegedly pulling women over just to ask them out on dates. The drivers knew something was amiss when, after he frisked them, he turned around and said, “Okay, now your turn.”

6. NBC News is reporting that President Vladimir Putin was directly involved in the intel campaign conducted by the Russians aimed at influencing the U.S. election. That’s crazy, can you imagine having a president actually present and involved in intel briefings?

7. President-elect Donald Trump has announced that his first decoration for the Oval Office will be a 1987 letter from Richard Nixon to Trump. Which makes sense because Trump and Nixon have a lot in common, both were presidents, both are forever tied to hotels and both are called Dick for short.

8. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump is planning to offer the head of the National Endowment for the Arts to actor Sylvester Stallone. Because, much like the rest of America, Trump has already forgotten about Scott Baio.

9. In a telephone call, President-elect Donald Trump told Vietnam’s prime minister he wanted to further strengthen ties between the two countries. Although, I’m not sure they were talking about the same thing:
trump-tie

10. Bruce Springsteen’s 1957 Chevrolet Bel Air convertible, referenced in his iconic song “Born to Run,” is up for auction. Singer Billy Ocean is thinking about selling the car from his hit “Get Out of My Dreams and Into My Car,” but can’t as of right because he is living in it.

11. The UK’s fertility regulator has given the green light to a treatment that will make it possible for babies to be made from two women and a man. “Who said anything about trying to make a baby?” said Bill Clinton.

12. An online novelty store is selling what it calls a ‘hipster’ nativity scene for $130. I don’t understand, everyone was wearing sandals, they all had beards, two guys showed up to the party with frankincense and myrrh, and they were giving birth in a barn, what did they change to make it hipster?

13. Facebook said on Thursday it will introduce tools to prevent fake news stories from spreading on its platform. Step number one:
facebook

14. Massachusetts on Thursday became the first state in the Northeast to legalize marijuana for recreational use. And what better way for weed to become legal than by announcing it over a month after the vote took place.

15. Actress Jennifer Lawrence is facing a backlash after admitting during in an interview that she used some sacred rocks in Hawaii to scratch her butt. But, in her defense, they weren’t sacred before.

16. On Friday, the attorney general of Cherokee Nation legalized same-sex marriage within the tribe. Which is great news for Never Had a Girlfriend and his ‘roommate’ Cries at the Ice Capades.

17. Filmmaker Michael Moore is calling for people to disrupt President-elect Donald Trump’s inauguration. Although, he wasn’t specific about what the message of the protests should be:
protest

18. A debt-ridden student in Australia blew $1.3 million on sports cars, speed boats, strippers and cocaine after a bank error gave him an unlimited overdraft. “I know what it feels like to waste that kind of money,” said Hillary donors.

19. According to doctors, consuming large amounts of marijuana can result in endless cycles of vomiting. Although, I imagine the constant Phish music also has something to do with that.

20. According to reports, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie turned down several positions in President-elect Donald Trump’s incoming administration, including ambassador to Italy. Which doesn’t make sense, because you’d think with all the bridges in Venice, that’d be his holy grail.

December 15, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Late Tuesday night actor Alan Thicke, best known for playing father Jason Seaver on “Growing Pains,” died at the age of 69. Hey, God, you took the wrong beloved TV dad from the 80s:
cosby

2. A spokesman for President-elect Donald Trump said Twitter was left off the invitation list for a meeting of technology company executives that took place in Trump Tower on Wednesday because it is too small. “I’ve heard that excuse before,” said Tiffany.

3. The Trump Organization said on Wednesday it has pulled out of a hotel venture in Rio de Janeiro that is currently part of a criminal investigation in Brazil. If only Trump pulled out more often:
Trump family attends ground breaking of new hotel in Washington

4. Police in India have arrested 12 moviegoers accused of failing to stand during the playing of the national anthem, which is now required in all of the country’s theaters. If India is really serious about this, from my experience, nothing gets moviegoers out of their seats quicker than a “written by M. Night Shyamalan” credit.

5. Donald Trump has chosen former Texas Governor Rick Perry to head the U.S. Department of Energy. So you can only imagine the prestigious cabinet position waiting for the person who actually won the last season of “Dancing with the Stars.”

6. On Wednesday, football Hall of Famers Jim Brown and Ray Lewis met with Donald Trump at Trump Tower in New York. Said Trump, “Take whatever you want, just please don’t hurt me!”

7. According to a new study, the use of alcohol, marijuana, prescription medications and illicit substances declined again among U.S. teens in 2016. That story again, we’re raising a bunch of nerds.

8. On Wednesday, Donald Trump’s administration announced that 16-year-old singer Jackie Evancho, who competed on “America’s Got Talent,” will sing the national anthem at the President-elect’s inauguration. Not to be outdone, the winner of “The Biggest Loser” will head the President’s Counsel on Fitness & Nutrition and the winner of “America’s Next Top Model” will be the next First Lady.

9. According to a new study, California is the worst state for drivers. “No shit,” said Reginald Denny.

10. Over the weekend in Buenos Aires, Maria Eugenia Massei from Argentina was crowned South American pole dancing champion. Massei was so good that after her performance the audience wanted to give her a standing ovation but couldn’t at that particular moment.

December 14, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to the Committee to Protect Journalist, 257 journalist have been jailed around the world over the past year. Or, as we will refer to that number once Trump takes office, the good ole days.

2. According to the Committee to Protect Journalist, 257 journalist have been jailed around the world over the past year. And, yet, somehow, Geraldo still roams free.

3. A charity website is auctioning off a coffee date with Ivanka Trump. “You had me at date and lost me at charity,” said Donald.

4. The NFL announced on Tuesday that the 0-13 Cleveland Browns will play a home game in London next year. Which I assume is punishment for them sending Piers Morgan over here.

5. Yesterday, rapper Kanye West, who was recently released from a hospital after undergoing a psychiatric evaluation, met with President-elect Donald Trump. That story again, a man who may have serious mental problems met with Kanye West yesterday.

6. On Tuesday, President-elect Donald Trump had a fifteen minute meeting with rapper Kanye West in New York. Unfortunately, it took Trump twenty minutes to realize Kanye wasn’t Ben Carson.

7. A new restaurant has opened in the Kurdistan region of Iraq called “Trump’s Fish” that uses an unauthorized logo of the new President-elect. Which means, twenty years from now, the correct answer to a junior high school history exam question of “Why did the U.S. declare war on Kurdistan?” will be “a fish restaurant.”

8. Yesterday, Microsoft founder Bill Gates met with President-elect Donald Trump in his midtown Manhattan office. Trump said he was happy Gates found the time to meet with him, unlike Apple founder Steve Jobs who keeps no showing all their scheduled meetings.

9. Police in India have arrested 12 moviegoers accused of failing to stand during the playing of the national anthem, which is now required in all of the country’s theaters. That’s harsh, in America, if you pull a stunt like that we just force you to play quarterback for the 49ers.

10. Major League Baseball has banned the practice of ballplayers hazing rookies by making them dress up as women. So now, if a player says he’s a “switch-hitter” there won’t be any confusion.

December 13, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. President-elect Donald Trump could become the first president in 150 years to take up residence at the White House without a pet. That story again, Chris Christie will not be moving into the White House.

2. In a new interview, President-elect Donald Trump said he isn’t sure if he’s going to continue the U.S.’s long standing One China policy. Saying, “What happens if a new, younger China comes along.”
 
3. A black man in Alabama staged a police standoff to propose to his girlfriend. Unfortunately, he had to reach into his pocket for the ring and, long story short, she’s single again.
 
4. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump is expected to name Mitt Romney’s niece Ronna Romney McDaniel as the new Republican National Committee chair. Mitt celebrated by drinking a glass of milk and going to sleep by 7:30pm.

5. On Monday, Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer hinted that forcing inmates to remain on death row for 40 years may be constitute cruel and unusual punishment. Although, I don’t think the inmates are gonna like the alternative either.

6. A 120-year-old virgin in India is crediting his longevity to his celibacy and dedication to yoga. Let’s just say he’s never saw a need for a partner because the yoga made him very flexible.

7. Last week, a boozed up Romanian man accidentally chopped off his buddy’s penis with a chainsaw as his wife and son watched in horror. The man is being labeled a terrible friend and an even worse mohel.

8. A Chinese state newspaper called President-elect Donald Trump “as ignorant as a child” regarding his approach to Taiwan. No word on whether this is due to Trump’s lack of knowledge on the subject or the size of his hands.
 
9. This week, Teen Vogue published a scathing op-ed directed at Donald Trump. And a not too subtle article directed at Melania:
vogue

10. The RNC is hosting its Christmas party this year at a Donald Trump hotel. I’m assuming because the Kremlin was already booked.

December 12, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week it was revealed that President-elect Donald Trump will stay on as executive producer of “The Celebrity Apprentice” while he’s in office. Not to be outdone, his lead strategist Steve Bannon will continue to promote the Amazing Race:
bannon

2. President-elect Donald Trump said on Thursday the United States needed to improve its relationship with China. And, to do so, he’s gonna call Taiwan to see if they have any ideas.

3. Last month, 25 voters in Texas cast their presidential ballot for San Antonio Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich. Even crazier, under the electoral college, he somehow won the state.

4. In a new interview, actor Tom Holland said he prepared for his role in the upcoming Spiderman movie by secretly enrolling in a New York high school. If hanging around high schoolers makes you a good Spiderman then this is the role Woody Allen has been preparing for all his life.

5. Over the weekend it was reported that President-elect Donald Trump will name former Exxon-Mobile CEO Rex Tillerson his Secretary of State over more noteworthy candidates like Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani. According to an inside source, Romney was so angry about being passed over that he said “Darn.”

6. Walmart has announced it will be donating the doors from Sam Walton’s first Arkansas store to the Smithsonian Museum in Washington D.C. So at least one thing from Arkansas will make it to D.C. this year:
arkansas

7. Over the weekend, police in Miami raided a coffee shop that was selling cocaine over the counter. So, now if you want to buy cocaine in Miami you’ll have to go literally any place else.

8. Russia has reportedly declined an offer of a gift of a dog from Japan meant for President Vladimir Putin ahead of a summit next week with Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. Said Putin, “I already have a very well trained pet”:
putin-trump

9. The world’s first year-round ice hotel is set to open in Sweden this month. Although, if Trump gets his way on global warming, it definitely won’t be the only one.

10. A mother in Chicago delivered her own baby and credits her ability to do so to watching medical shows on TV. Which can only mean one thing, the Jets don’t watch football on TV.

10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump is considering formally turning over the operational responsibility for his businesses to his two adult sons, Don Jr. and Eric, but he intends to keep a stake in the business. Although, it’s probably best not to use the word ‘stake’ around Eric:

2. Yesterday, astronaut, former-Senator and national hero John Glenn died at the age of 95. I take solace in the fact that he’s in a better place now, specifically, not the US.

3. A sexually frustrated Indian man chopped off his penis after his wife refused to have sex with him for ten years. Man, that guy’s gonna be pretty pissed off when he finds out about divorce.

4. This week, Pope Francis declared it a sin to distribute fake news. So it sounds like it’s time for Mary to finally come clean about that ‘immaculate’ conception.

5. A new study found that being optimistic is linked to living a longer life. So, on the plus-side for Jets fans, it will all be over soon.

6. Yesterday it was announced that President-elect Donald Trump will attend this Saturday’s Army-Navy football game in Baltimore. Or, as MSNBC will undoubtedly report, power hungry Donald Trump forces different branches of the military to battle for his own amusement.

7. The US military this month will return to the Japanese government more than 9,800 acres of land it has held since World War II. Please be New Jersey, please be New Jersey, please be New Jersey…

8. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump is considering appointed New York Jets owner Woody Johnson as ambassador to the United Kingdom. Johnson and the British can bond over losing to the Patriots.

9. Pornography website PornHub is selling an adult coloring book. It’ll give your left hand something to do while your right hand is busy.

10. The New England Patriots placed tight end Rob Gronkowski on injured reserve on Saturday, ending his season one day after he underwent surgery to repair a herniated disk. But, on the plus side, at least the reasons that Patriot tight ends are missing the rest of the season are getting better:
hernandez

December 9, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, actor Leonardo DiCaprio met with President-elect Trump to talk about climate issues. That story again, the Great Gatsby met with the Overweight Gatsby

2. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump is considering formally turning over the operational responsibility for his businesses to his two adult sons, Don Jr. and Eric, but he intends to keep a stake in the business. Although, it’s probably best not to use the word ‘stake’ around Eric:

3. A 1,100 pound Egyptian woman, who was homebound for decades, is set to fly to Mumbai for weight-loss surgery. That story again, a 1,100 pound Egyptian woman is set to fly to Mumbai in an attempt to get free peanuts.

4. A 1,100 pound woman is set to fly from Egypt to Mumbai for weight-loss surgery. Although, ‘fly from Egypt to Mumbai’ seems ambitious, how about ‘struggle to get off the ground from Egypt to Mumbai.’

5. An Indian doctor is set to perform a weight loss surgery on a 1,100 pound Egyptian woman. Because it’s never too early to get ready for bikini season.

6. This week, recent Penn graduate Tiffany Trump was seen touring Harvard Law School. Tiffany is considering becoming a lawyer because she wasn’t hated enough just being a Trump.

7. This week, Pope Francis said, “media that focus on scandals and spread fake news to smear politicians risk becoming like people who have a morbid fascination with excrement,” Begging the question, who has the Pope been hanging out with?
 
8. Yesterday, astronaut, former-Senator and national hero John Glenn died at the age of 95. I take solace in the fact that he’s in a better place now, specifically, not the US.

9. Pope Francis prayed for the unemployed on Thursday at a statue of the Madonna in Rome. Specifically praying that his son will get a job so he can finally move out of the Vatican’s basement.

10. On Wednesday, a 42-year-old South African began his quest to be the first person to cross the Atlantic Ocean via stand-up paddleboard. Which I assume will eventually become a sit-down paddleboard, a lie-down paddleboard and “hey look, there’s a free empty paddle board.”

11. A sexually frustrated Indian man chopped off his penis after his wife refused to have sex with him for ten years. Man, that guy’s gonna be pretty pissed off when he finds out about divorce.

12. A Doctor in the U.K. is accused of swallowing a patient’s semen during an examination and telling him to “take it as a sign of appreciation.” Yet another reason why my wife will never be a doctor.

13. In an interview on Wednesday, President-elect Donald Trump said he has done nothing to divide the country. Then added, “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to continue my victory tour where I only visit the states that voted for me.”

14. After President-elect Donald Trump specifically attacked him on Twitter Wednesday night, local Steelworkers Union leader Chuck Jones said he received death threats, but added, “I can deal with people that make stupid statements and move on.” A sentiment which means he’s too mature to be President.

15. Two Ku Klux Klan leaders were charged in the stabbing of a third Klan member before a parade in North Carolina celebrating Donald Trump’s victory. Said Klan members, “How do you celebrate?”

December 8, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Time Magazine named Donald Trump its ‘Person of the Year.’ But I wouldn’t worry about it, in the words of a very wise man, no one reads Time Magazine anymore:trump-tweet

2. This week, Pope Francis declared it a sin to distribute fake news. So it sounds like it’s time for Mary to finally come clean about that ‘immaculate’ conception.

3. A Florida man played dead in an effort to get an uninvited guest to leave his house. So maybe O.J. was just trying to get rid of Kato.

4. A new study found that being optimistic is linked to living a longer life. So, on the plus-side for Jets fans, it will all be over soon.

5. This week, a judge in Argentine ruled that it was okay for a woman to marry her stepdaughter. Or so begins Woody Allen’s latest letter to Penthouse Forum.
 
6. On Wednesday, ‘Forbes’ named Johnny Depp the world’s most overpaid actor. Begging the question, was Adam Sandler not getting paid for those movies?
 
7. A New Zealand man of Asian descent had his passport photograph rejected when facial recognition software mistakenly registered his eyes as being closed. “Note to self, never go to New Zealand,” said Ben Carson.

8. A conservationist crossed the English Channel in a motorized paraglider as part of a near three-month project to track the migration of swans across Europe. Look, I’m no expert, but did he ever think the swans weren’t so much migrating as they were just trying to get away from the weird guy flying on a kite right behind them?
 
9. In a recent interview, First Lady Michelle Obama said she went to bed early on election night. Adding, “And I’m hoping I’s still sleeping and this has all been a bad dream.”

10. Yesterday, Time Magazine named Donald Trump its ‘Person of the Year.’ While, for a record fifteenth year in a row SpongeBob SquarePants was named High Time Magazine’s ‘Person of the Year.’

December 7, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. A bishop in the U.K. claims he can make men’s penises larger by massaging them with his hands. That story again, your uncle is now a bishop.

2. Twenty-two minutes after ‘The Chicago Tribune’ published a story in which the CEO of Boeing was critical of Donald Trump’s trade policy, the President-elect tweeted that he is canceling a $4 billion federal contract with Boeing. So, I’m begging, for the good of the nation, can the CEO of Twitter please say something bad about Trump!

3. Yesterday it was announced that President-elect Donald Trump will attend this Saturday’s Army-Navy football game in Baltimore. Or, as MSNBC will undoubtedly report, power hungry Donald Trump forces different branches of the military to battle for his own amusement.

4. Yesterday it was announced that President-elect Donald Trump will attend this Saturday’s Army-Navy football game in Baltimore. Unless, of course, he can come up with another bullshit medical condition and dodge that too.

5. Yesterday, President-elect tweeted that he is canceling an order with Boeing for a new Air Force One because the costs have become too expensive. Although, I think it’s because he prefers to travel by bus anyway:
access-hollywood

6. Yesterday, President-elect Donald Trump tweeted that he is canceling an order with Boeing for a new Air Force One because the costs have become too expensive. Which is a sign of growth, because previously Trump would have waited until the contractor did the whole job before he refused payment.

7. On Tuesday, the International Olympic Committee said it was not sure if the refugee team that competed in this year’s Olympic Games in Rio will compete at the 2020 Games in Tokyo. “Don’t worry, come 2020, there will be plenty of refugees to pick from,” said Donald Trump.

8. Tuesday night, Golden State Warrior Klay Thompson scored 60 points in under 30 minutes. “Is that even allowed?” asked the Knicks.

9. The US military this month will return to the Japanese government more than 9,800 acres of land it has held since World War II. Please be New Jersey, please be New Jersey, please be New Jersey…

10. An exhibition aimed at blind people has opened in Prague, inviting visitors to touch artwork and enjoy pieces they would normally only read or hear about. Said one art-goer, “The Jackson Pollack tasted funny.”