September 18, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Phoenix police arrested Arizona Cardinals running back Jonathan Dwyer in connection with two alleged incidents of aggravated assault. “That’s because he didn’t have any discipline growing up,” said Adrian Peterson.

2. According to court papers filed on Monday, singer Robin Thicke said he was high on painkillers and alcohol in 2013 when “Blurred Lines” became a hit. Which makes sense considering his follow-up song was “Blurred Everything.”

3. Vice President Joe Biden said on Wednesday his use of the term “Shylock,” which some consider anti-Semitic, was “a poor choice of words.” Also a poor choice of words, everything Joe Biden says everywhere, all the time.

4. On Wednesday, the House of Representatives approved President Obama’s plan to fight ISIS by training and arming moderate Syrian rebels. Or, as they will be known in a few years, extreme Syrian rebels.

5. On Wednesday, three U.S. Senators called for the resignation of District Court Judge Mark Fuller over accusations that he beat his wife in an Atlanta hotel room last month. “Oh, in the hotel room, smart,” said Ray Rice.

6. According to a new study, eating a diet high in salt may increase the risk of rheumatoid arthritis among smokers. Because if there’s one thing we know about smokers it’s they take their health very seriously.

7. On Wednesday, the Minnesota Vikings announced that they had placed star running-back Adrian Peterson on the NFL exempt list, suspending him from all team activities until his child-abuse case is resolved. “Oh great, more time at home,” said his kids.

8. Florida State University benched Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback Jameis Winston on Wednesday for the first half of Saturday’s game against Clemson after he shouted obscenities in the student union. But, on the plus side, he’s gonna get an A in his public speaking class.

9. A gay marriage advocate, a physicist modeling brain activity, a psychologist studying racial bias in policing and a cartoonist exploring family life were among the winners of the 21 MacArthur “genius” grants. Experts expect these grants to lead to many scientific breakthroughs and one hilarious Kanye West rant.

10. Website Netropolitan, which bills itself as Facebook for the rich, launched yesterday and with users paying $9,000 to join and $3,000 a year in dues. “Would you accept an IOU?” said Tom from MySpace.

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