September 17, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, 75% of women would prefer to date a man with love handles rather than a man with six-pack abs. “You’re in luck,” said 99% of men.

2. A consulting firm has published a 294-page report trying to improve the customer experience at Olive Garden restaurants. The first page says “Go eat somewhere else” and the remaining 293 pages are blank.

3. Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Jonathan Papelbon was given a seven-game suspension Monday after he grabbed his crotch in response to booing fans over the weekend. But, in his defense, that is how they say “hello” in Philly.

4. Apple was forced to release instructions to help iTunes users erase the free U2 album they automatically got last week. Unfortunately their instructions were to “buy a new iPhone.”

5. President Obama on Tuesday called West Africa’s deadly Ebola outbreak a global security threat and announced the deployment of 3,000 U.S. soldiers to the affected region. Because, apparently, America’s answer to everything it: send more troops.

6. According to a study from U.S. health researchers, the average waistline of Americans increased by more than an inch over the past decade. Said researchers, “Three feet is more than an inch, right?”

7. According to a new study, children who start having seizures soon after a vaccination and go on to develop epilepsy usually turn out to have an underlying cause of the seizure disorder. That, or they got their hands on some bad heroin.

8. The U.N. said on Tuesday that the number of hungry people in the world has fallen sharply over the past decade but 805 million, or one in nine, still do not have enough to eat. Or, as it was referred to around the Jackson household, Tito.

9. Anheuser-Busch publicly chastised the National Football League on Tuesday for its decisions regarding recent domestic violence cases. Said a representative for the beer company, “The last we want Anheuser-Busch to be associated with is people making bad decisions.”

10. On Tuesday, actor Leonardo DiCaprio was named a United Nations Messenger of Peace, a post he will use to raise awareness about climate change and hit on models.

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