September 19, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Larry Ellison, the world’s fifth richest person, worth $51 billion, announced he is retiring as CEO of Oracle, the company he founded in 1977. Ellison decided to step down when he remembered he was worth $51 billion.

2. During a concert in Monterey on Tuesday, singer Miley Cyrus offended many in attendance when one of her dancers used the Mexican flag to spank the oversized, fake butt she was wearing. It’s sad that one bad decision spoiled what otherwise would have been a very highbrow and classy evening.

3. San Francisco drag queens and a city lawmaker met with Facebook on Wednesday demanding the site change its policy banning users from using aliases in the social networking site. The drag queens also want to change how “poking” works.

4. A new study found that women in their eighties who fell indoors, rather than outdoors, died sooner than their peers. Unless, of course, they were skydiving.

5. After 260 years of exclusion, the Royal and Ancient golf club at St. Andrews in Scotland voted to allow women members. Their first act was to name Queen Elizabeth a honorary member because she is both royal and ancient.

6. Surveillance tape showed that a man armed with a banana robbed a convenience store in Philadelphia and made off on a bicycle with cash and cigarettes. But, in his defense, it sounds like he really needed the money.

7. Rush Limbaugh has ruffled some feathers by proclaiming on his radio program that sometimes when a woman says “no” she really means “yes.” Limbaugh also said it’s possible to build up an immunity to pepper spray.

8. In an effort to get illegal immigrants to join an identification card program, yesterday, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio offered reduced-price admission to many of the city’s famed attractions, including the Bronx Zoo, the Met and Carnegie Hall. Said illegal immigrants, “We don’t need cheap access to those places, who do you think cleans them?”

9. Researchers who measured the slipperiness of banana peels, the ability of pork stripes to stop nosebleeds, and the reactions of reindeer to humans in polar bear suits were among the winners of this year’s Ig Nobel prizes for comical scientific achievements. While this year’s lifetime achievement award went to the people who designed the Obamacare website.

10. A Swiss goalkeeper has threatened legal action after fans of a rival team urinated in his water bottle and then taunted him when he, unaware, took a sip. “I can’t believe soccer isn’t more popular in the U.S.” said R Kelly.

11. A Mississippi coroner went on social media over the weekend to urge residents to buy guns and be willing to use them on burglars. Adding, “It’s important to protect oneself and also, it’s just good for business.”

12. A Frankfurt judge set aside a temporary injunction issued two weeks ago against Uber allowing the car-sharing service to begin again across Germany. Now comes the hard part, convincing anyone to get into a car with a German stranger.

13. A man in Florida was arrested for masturbating during a yoga class. But, on the plus side, he got to keep that mat.

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