Tag Archives: Melania Trump

May 14, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Queen guitarist Brian May was hospitalized last week after tearing hit buttock muscles while gardening. Said May, “Please tell people I have coronavirus.” 

2. The European Space Agency said this week that human urine could one day be used to make concrete to build structures on the Moon. So, from now, please refer to him as astronaut R Kelly:

3. Actor Hafthor Bjornsson, who played The Mountain in ‘Game of Thrones,’ set a deadlift world record by lifting 1,104 pounds. Breaking the old record of 1,054 pounds held by Dame Judi Dench: 

4. According to a new survey, almost 70% of married couples say they learned something new about their partner during quarantine. Said Donald to Melania, “We have a kid?!?!?!”

5. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis referred to his state as ‘God’s waiting room’ during a coronavirus press briefing last week. “Not so fast” said Georgia: 

6. Last week, Jada Pinkett Smith said even though she’s been married to Will Smith for 23 years, being quarantined with him made her realize she doesn’t know him at all. Said Pinkett Smith, “Did you know he doesn’t even have an uncle named Phil?”

7. Approximately 300,000 coronavirus masks sent to pregnant women in Japan as part of a government handout have been found to be faulty. Said the pregnant women, “Faulty protection is how we got into this mess to begin with.” 

8. German doctors are posing naked to protest protective equipment shortages. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get any ideas Dr. Phil:

9.  Last week, Carnival Cruise Line bookings shot up by 600% when they announced that they would return to the high seas on August 1 after months of coronavirus lockdown.  It’s gonna be weird in fifty years, when people want to compare something to a complete disaster and, instead of saying the Titanic, they reference the Goofy II.

10. Last week, an asparagus reader predicted that President Trump will be re-elected and impeached again. Laugh if you will, but she’s always been 100% accurate when she predicted that my pee was gonna smell.

11. After his personal valet tested positive for coronavirus, President Trump said he will undergo the COVID-19 testing every day. Said the man who administered the test by inserting a long swab into Trump’s nose, “I’ve never felt less resistance.” 

12. Last week, the creator of the dystopian tv series ‘Black Mirror’ said the world is too bleak right now for a sixth season of his show. And yet somehow ‘Fuller House’ is allowed to go on as planned.

13. Last Sunday, President Trump answered questions during a virtual town hall on FoxNews staged in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Trump’s answers were so nonsensical that halfway through the interview Lincoln stood up and walked out.

14. In California, a trio of suspected thieves was arrested trying to steal thirty-one rolls of toilet paper, thirty-two towels, and four sets of bed sheets. And no one was more angry about the arrests than the thieves’ wives who sent them out to pick up a few things:

15. During a segment on ‘Good Morning America’, the CEO of the Dolphins revealed mock ups of new entrances to their stadium that will help people adhere to social distancing guidelines. Here’s what those mock ups look like:

16. Last Thursday night, between 7pm and 7:30pm, JetBlue conducted a flyover of Manhattan, Queens, and the Bronx to salute healthcare reporters. Not to be confused with the flyover that occurred between 7:30pm and 10pm, which was JetBlue circling LaGuardia waiting to land.

17. According to a recent survey, women in New York find the Cuomo brothers more attractive than the Jonas brothers. “Alright, but what if we get rid of Kevin,” said the other two Jonas brothers:

18. According to Variety, actor Nicolas Cage will play Joe Exotic in an upcoming TV series about the eclectic zookeeper. Said Cage showing up on the first day of shooting with a mullet, dressed in a cowboy hat and a leopard print sleeveless shirt, “Okay, so what’s this Joe Exotic guy look like?”

19. French researchers are preparing to launch a human trial to test their hypothesis that nicotine can help the body combat coronavirus. That story again, Keith Richards is going to live forever.

20. Last weekend, Secretariat won a virtually Kentucky Derby race. Unfortunately the horse that finished in last place, Seattle Slew, was made into virtual glue.

December 23, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Hundreds of crazed Ryan Reynolds fans in South America pushed through a barricade to get to actor. That story again, apparently the movie ‘Green Lantern’ was never released in South America. 

2. Dozens of Indonesians took part in a shouting competition in the capital Jakarta last week. So hopefully all those long nights of practice paid off, couple who live in the apartment next to me. 

3. Police say a man crammed thirty bags of frozen shrimp down his pants in burglaries at multiple California grocery stores. Shouted the man as they put him in the police car, “Tell everyone that they were jumbo shrimp!” 

4. Last week it was announced that guitarist John Frusciante is rejoining the Red Hot Chili Peppers, a few years after he left the band. Turns out he wasn’t a great fit at his office job:

 5. In an apparent effort to escalate their feud, rapper Nick Cannon claimed last week that there is a video of Eminem ‘sucking a cock.’ Even more embarrassing, there are multiple videos of Nick Cannon sucking at rap.

6. According to a new study, athletes have healthier brains and, as a result, can hear better. “What did you say?” said every member of the Knicks.

7. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Because apparently ‘Baby Yoda’ is two words.

8. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Further proof that this year has really fucking sucked.

9. The Justice Department recently announced that it will review plans by Google to buy fitness tracker Fitbit. Said the DOJ to Google, “Are you really going to use it? Or is just gonna end up in a drawer somewhere?”

10. According to reports, President Trump is likely to nominate Hudson Institute CEO Kenneth Weinstein as his new ambassador to Japan. The ambassador said he is honored to have the position and will do his best not to ruin the good ‘Weinstein’ name.

11. Over the weekend, the U.S. golf team, led by Tiger Woods, won the Presidents Cup. Although anyone with $1.99 to spare, can get the same cup as the President:

12. On Tuesday, Joe Biden’s doc said the former Vice President is healthy enough to undertake the duties of the presidency. Actually, his exact words were, “Well if that guy can do it”:

13. President Trump on Tuesday issued a stark warning to congressional Democrats, saying that if they pursue impeachment against him they will be “declaring war on American democracy.” Said Nancy Pelosi:

14. Artist Simone Fugazzotto defended on Tuesday a widely criticized anti-racism campaign launched by Italy’s Serie A soccer league which features his paintings of apes. Said the artist, “What does ‘anti’ mean?”

15. A duck in the U.K. had to have its penis removed recently after it began attempting to mate with females up to ten times per day. And, just like that, I believe in reincarnation:

16. According to the Center for Disease Control, puppies purchased from pet stores have been linked to bacterial infection outbreak in over thirty states. “So, you’re welcome?” said Michael Vick.

17. Thousands of Liberian immigrants will be eligible to apply for green cards and eventual U.S. citizenship under the terms of a defense spending bill passed by the Senate on Tuesday. Or at least until President Trump realizes they are talking about African immigrants and not librarians.

18. During a rally theis past week, President Trump joked that former Congressman John Dingell, who died in February, might be in hell. “You don’t have to die to find yourself in hell,” said Melania.

November 4, 2019 – Monologues Jokes

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1. The makers of the board game Clue have announced that the game’s next edition will be the first to feature a bathroom as a possible crime scene. As in, “Professor Plum, in the bathroom, one hour after eating Chipotle.” 

2. On Wednesday, President Trump and First Lady Melania Trump hosted trick-or-treaters at the White House and gave out full-sized Hershey bars. Or, at least, they looked full-size in Trump’s hands: 

3. According to a new study, construction workers are more likely to use cocaine than other profession. But I assume that’s because no one considers being a DJ a profession. 

4. Thursday night, President Trump said he is changing his primary residence from New York to Florida. He also added, “Please don’t tell Eric.”

5. Washington Redskins Pro Bowl tackle Trent Williams says he no longer trusts the organization after team doctors failed to detect a cancerous growth on his scalp. Wow, that’s terrible, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, having to play for the Redskins. 

6. Tiger Woods matched Sam Snead’s record of 82 PGA Tour victories when he won a golf tournament in Japan last week. The last time Tiger finished first in Asia, Asia had just gotten off her shift at the Waffle House. 

7. In a recent interview, singer Marie Osmond, of Donnie & Marie fame, admitted that when she was younger she thought she was gay. The biggest warning sign, she liked Donnie & Marie. 

8. Singer Lady Gaga recently tweeted “Fame is Prison.” “I’ll let you know if that’s an accurate comparison in a couple of weeks,” said Aunt Becky. 

9. Republican Senator Mitt Romney recently admitted to running a secret Twitter account under the alias ‘Pierre Delecto.’ And you gotta give it to him, it’s not easy to come up with a name stupider than Mitt Romney.

10. Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders recently held a campaign rally in Queens that attracted more than 26,000 supporters. “We didn’t even realize 26,000 people lived in Queens,” said the Mets.

11. According to a new study, men who eat a heart-healthy diet may have better quality sperm than their peers who dine mostly on junk food. Yeah, no shit:

12. Last week, President Trump downplayed the possibility of throwing out the first pitch of a World Series game by saying, “They gotta dress me up in a lot of heavy armor. I’ll look too heavy. I don’t like that.” Begging the question, is he always wearing body armor?

13. According to a new report, doctors should always ask for a child’s consent before treating them. “But that just applies to doctors, right?” asked Jerry Sandusky.

14. The whistleblower whose complaint led to the impeachment inquiry against President Trump has offered to answer written questions from Republicans on the House Intelligence Committee. Questions like “How did you stand up to Trump?” and “What’s it like to have a backbone?”

15. In a recent interview, Kanye West said God rewarded him with a $68 million tax refund because he became a born-again Christian. “Yes, it’s definitely Jesus’s doing,” said his undoubtedly Jewish accountant.

16. In his new book, Donald Trump Jr. said his father, President Trump, can’t be racist because, as a kid, he was allowed to play video games with Michael Jackson. Or maybe, just maybe, your father hates spending time with you more than he hates black people.

17. This week, Charmin set up a new toilet paper-dispensing kiosk in an outdoor Manhattan park. Hey, Charmin, I beg of you, stop making it easier for New Yorkers to shit in public.

18. Last week Donald Trump Jr. participated in a ribbon-cutting ceremony for a new plaza in Arizona which was named in his honor. Said the people of Arizona, “President Trump has never been more relatable now that we too have disappointingly named something Donald Trump Jr.”

June 17, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a new study, children who are exposed to tobacco smoke from their fathers while they’re in the womb may be more likely than those who are not to develop asthma by age 6. Begging the question, exactly where are those guys blowing that smoke?

2. The island of Samoa has banned “Rocketman”, the movie based on Elton John, over its depiction of homosexuality. Begging the question, do you know how gay a movie has to be to be too gay for an island of men who dress like this?:

3. Actor Cuba Gooding Jr. was charged on Thursday with groping a woman at a Manhattan bar last weekend. But, look on the plus-side Cuba, at least someone recognized you.

4. In a recent interview, openly gay Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg said he is open to raising a child. “You can have your pick,” said Trump: 

5. The World Health Organization said on Thursday, more than a million people every day worldwide catch a sexually transmitted infection, with rates of chlamydia, gonorrhea, trichomoniasis and syphilis. “What can I say, I had a busy 2018,” said Colin Farrell.

6. According to a new report, the marijuana industry could surpass the NFL in revenue by 2020. Crazy to think that something so harmful for you brain could earn that much money, also weed is pretty bad too. 

7. According to a new study, children who are exposed to smoke from wildfires may experience a greater health impact than those exposed to smoke from prescribed controlled burns. So I guess that makes this kid Jack Leland: 

8. First Lady Melania Trump wore an elegant white below-the-knee Dolce & Gabbana dress with navy blue collar and belt and a custom hat by Herve Pierre when she met Queen Elizabeth last week at Buckingham Palace. Meanwhile, President Trump wore a mustard-stained suit from JC Penny’s Big & Tall line.

9. According to a new study, eating McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets increases the one’s chance of early death. Said McNugget eaters, “Yeah, that’s kind of the point.”

10. The NBA has banned Golden State Warriors owner Mark Stevens for one season after he shoved a Toronto Raptors player during Game 3 of the NBA Finals. This stands in stark contrast to the New York Knicks’ owner who was caught doing the exact same thing and, as punishment, was forced to attend every single Knicks for the remainder of the season.

11. The symbolic tree that President Trump and his French counterpart, Emmanuel Macron, planted at the White House last year has died. Said Trump, “I don’t get it, I complete neglect my children and they’re still alive.”

12. A 30-year-old Spirit Airlines passenger on a flight from Detroit to New Orleans recently got himself banned for life after getting caught vaping in the airplane lavatory. Although, wouldn’t a real punishment be forcing him to continue to fly Spirit Airlines?

13. In a recent interview, O.J. Simpson said he is currently living in what he calls the “no negative zone.” And, in unrelated news, the negative zone was found stabbed 74 times.

14. Over the weekend, O.J. Simpson joined Twitter. On the plus-side, the phrase “O.J. Simpson is following you,” now has a less threatening explanation.

15. Over the weekend, O.J. Simpson joined Twitter. Weird, I would have thought he’d be more into Facebook with all the poking.

16. President Trump said in an interview broadcast on Friday that former White House counsel Don McGahn “may have been confused” during his testimony as part of Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation. Which if true, makes him even more qualified to be one of Trump’s attorneys:

May 13, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Prosecutors in Florida have dropped all charges against a man who put an “I Eat Ass” bumper sticker on his car. But the man is not out of the woods yet, he still has to deal with the trademark infringement suit from Arby’s.

2. Prosecutors in Florida have dropped all charges against a man who put an “I Eat Ass” bumper sticker on his car. That story again, man narrowly avoids being the most popular person in prison. 

3. According to the New York Times, President Trump’s businesses lost a total of more than $1 billion from 1985 to 1994. So maybe we had it backwards and Melania had him sign a prenup.

4. On Thursday, President Trump held an impromptu press conference and said he was very upset that his son Don Jr. had been subpoenaed by the Senate. He was upset because of the subpoena, but even more upset that people knew Don Jr was his son.

5. According to a new study, drinking water that is contaminated with even moderate levels of arsenic may lead to harmful to your heart. “What about arsenic contaminated with water?” asked residents of Flint, Michigan.

6. New research has determined that couples are having less sex than in the previous two decades. Begging the question, what’s less than zero?:

7. According to a new study, sunscreen enters the bloodstream after just one day of use. That story again, Mike Pence is somehow even whiter on the inside.

8. While presenting the Army Black Knights football team with the Commander-in-Chief’s Trophy Monday, President Trump said he’s looking at “doing a waiver for service academy athletes who can get into the major leagues.” Trump may flip-flop on a lot of issues, but he has never wavered on his dedication to avoiding military service.

9. On Wednesday, Denver residents voted to became the first city in the U.S. to decriminalize magic mushrooms. Voters said the hardest part was getting to the voting booth, especially after the voting booth morphed into a fire breathing dragon.

10. HBO updated the most recent episode of ‘Game of Thrones’ to digitally remove a coffee cup that accidentally made its way into a scene. “Wait, HBO has the ability to digitally remove things from shows?” asked the kid who played Tony Soprano’s son.

11. This week, Sheriff’s officials in Punta Gorda, Florida said a woman pulled a small alligator from her yoga pants during a traffic stop. And still the most surprising part of that story was that someone was wearing pants in Florida.

12. President Trump directed his re-election campaign to issue a blistering statement condemning a longtime political adviser who used Trump’s name to raise millions of dollars for an unaffiliated political group. If the President thinks that’s bad, wait till he finds out who else is using his name:

13. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell on Tuesday sought to slam the door on further investigations of President Donald Trump by declaring “case closed” after a two-year probe of Russia’s meddling in the 2016 elections. “You should hang a banner,” said George W. Bush:

14. Lady Gaga made a grand entrance at New York’s annual Met Gala on Monday, wearing a voluminous bright pink dress that she shed on the red carpet to reveal three other outfits layered underneath, including a bra and underwear. Of course, when Lady Gaga does it she’s ‘a style icon,’ but when I do it I’m ‘causing a scene at this Waffle House.”

15. This week, First Lady Melania Trump celebrated the first anniversary of her Be Best campaign. And Melania celebrated this anniversary like she does all other anniversaries in her life:

16. Former NBA star Dennis Rodman is denying allegations that he helped three people steal more than $3,500 in merchandise from a California yoga studio. So I guess it must have been another 6’7” heavily tattooed black man, with blue hair and earrings in his ears, nose, mouth and eyebrows.

17. President Trump, said on Thursday that he sometimes serves as a counterbalance to his hard-charging national security adviser, John Bolton. What? Do you know how legit crazy you have to be for Donald Trump to be the voice of reason?

18. An Uber driver in Pittsburgh has been arrested on charges of kidnapping after he was accused of trying to lock two women in his car and saying, “you’re not going anywhere.” Being trapped in a vehicle and told you’re not going anywhere is textbook kidnapping, unless you’re Spirit Airlines, then it’s just a business plan.

March 9, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Alec Baldwin and President Trump threw insults at each other on Twitter after Mr. Baldwin described portraying Mr. Trump on “Saturday Night Live” as “agony.” Man, I’ve seen less contentious actor-president relationships between Lincoln and Booth.

2. Sunday night’s Oscar, marked the first ceremony in many years without Harvey Weinstein. And no one was more grateful for that than the potted plants in the lobby of the Kodak Theater.

3. Law experts are saying some of the language in adult film star Stormy Daniel’s nondisclosure agreement suggests that she may have lurid photos that were taken during her sexual encounters with Donald Trump. Said one person who has reportedly seen the photos, “DEAR GOD, I’VE GONE BLIND!”

4. According to ‘the New York Times,’ following news that China’s President Xi Jinping is now president for life, President Trump jokingly told donors, “maybe we’ll give that a shot someday.” “I’m happy you like the idea of a life sentence,” said Robert Mueller.

5. A man was arrested and charged with grand theft larceny after allegedly stealing Frances McDormand’s Oscars trophy after the Academy Awards on Sunday night. And, if stealing an Oscar is consider grand theft, Adrian Brody better lawyer up:

6. A woman was arrested on Tuesday after she attempted to open an aircraft door during a flight from San Francisco to Boise, Idaho. But, to be fair, if you found out you were headed for Boise, you’d want out ASAP too.

7. During a news conference on Tuesday, President Trump promised his proposed tariffs on steel and aluminum will be applied in a “very loving way.” Which can only mean one thing, Trump will not ask for the tariff’s consent beforehand.

8. On Tuesday, former pornstar and alleged presidential mistress Stormy Daniels sued Donald Trump. That story again, a blond airhead with large tits and a penchant for suing people is being sued by Stormy Daniels.

9. President Trump refuted recent reports on Tuesday, saying there is no chaos in the White House. And in related news, Melania is now jealous of chaos.

10. In response to a Republican bill to name a state highway after President Trump, a Democratic state senator has proposed a bill to name an offramp after Stormy Daniels. And what better way to honor Trump’s legacy than to use Stormy Daniels to get off.

11. The White House announced this week that President Donald Trump has agreed to meet with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un by May. That story again, maybe don’t make any plans for after May.

12. 70-year-old Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he has agreed to star in a sixth Terminator film. His catchline in the movie will be “Oy, my back.”

13. Sunday night, the Winston Churchill biopic “The Darkest Hour” won the Academy Award for best makeup. So good luck to whoever had to break the news to this losing nominee:

14. Over the weekend at the NFL Scouting Combine, Central Florida’s one-handed linebacker Shaquem Griffin did twenty reps on the bench press at 225 pounds with a prosthetic hand. And, in unrelated news, I’m pretty sure I pulled a hamstring getting off the couch this morning.

15. Over the weekend, “The Emoji Movie” swept the Razzies Awards, taking home the worst picture, screen combo, director and screenplay awards. Which is weird, because I don’t remember Johnny Depp being in that.

16. Russian President Vladimir Putin told Washington to send him hard evidence that his citizens meddled in U.S. elections. May I present Exhibit A:

17. President Donald Trump’s Chief of Staff John Kelly on Friday conceded the White House could have better handled a scandal involving senior aide Rob Porter. Said Kelly, “But other than that, I think we’re nailing it.”

18. Two phone companies say they plan to put a high-speed cellular network on the moon. So fingers crossed this means they’re sending the “can you hear me now” guy to the fucking moon.

March 2, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a new study, one in every five working-age black men in the United States did not work at all in 2016. A low number that I wish was at least one man higher:

2. Due to his inability to obtain a full security clearance, this week President Trump’s son-in-law and adviser, Jared Kushner, lost access to the most valued U.S. intelligence report. Said President Trump, “He can’t watch FoxNews?”

3. In an interview published on Tuesday, singer Barbra Streisand revealed the she had her deceased dog Samantha cloned. Streisand made an exact replicate to replace her dead dog, or, as Michael Vick calls it, covering your tracks.

4. On Monday, President Trump criticized police officers who failed to confront the shooter at the Florida high school by saying, “I really believe I’d run in there even if I didn’t have a weapon.” Begging the question, does he have a weapon? Can someone please check on that!

5. This week, a White House photographer caught images of advisor Stephen Miller appearing to fall asleep during President Trump’s meeting with governors. Which is weird, because Miller wasn’t anywhere near his coffin:

6. On Wednesday, White House communication director Hope Hicks announced that she will be leaving the Trump administration. Thus, inadvertently, coming up with Trump’s 2020 re-election motto:

7. It was reported this week that many nursing homes are using virtual reality equipment to allow elderly patients suffering from dementia to “travel back in time” to the days of their childhood in the early 1900s. Or, if they don’t have access to VR technology, they can just go to Alabama.

8. A Canadian athlete competing at the Winter Olympics has been charged with drunk driving after taking a car on a joy ride in the early hours of Saturday morning in South Korean. “Wait, is that an Olympic event?” asked Billy Joel.

9. While speaking of his campaign and administration at CPAC last week, President Trump said, “We’re fighting a lot of forces.” Yes, forces like common sense and decency.

10. FCC Chairman Ajit Pai was honored at the Conservative Political Action Conference by the NRA awarding him a Kentucky long rifle. So good luck to Pai, who is of Indian descent and thus has a darker skin complexion, on getting out of that NRA convention holding a gun alive.

11. While speaking of the West Side highway in Manhattan during his speech at CPAC last week, President Trump “I know it very well, this stretch along the west side highway, people run in order to stay in shape.” Well, maybe not ‘very well’:

12. First Lady Melania Trump’s favorite TV show is reportedly “How to Get Away with Murder.” She’s hoping the answer is a never-ending diet of KFC and McDonald’s.

13. This week former First Lady Michelle Obama announced that she is writing a memoir that will be released November 13th entitled “Becoming.” Which means one thing, Melania’s memoir will be released on November 14th:

14. This week, sporting goods store Dick’s announced that it will stop selling assault style weapons. So now, if the answer to the question “Who’s gun is that?” is “Dick’s”, run!:

15. In a new USA Today poll, 59% of respondents had an unfavorable view of President Trump and one woman from the Midwest said she’d never heard of Donald Trump. And there’s no question Trump’s way more angry about that one woman’s response.

16. After eight years of restoration work, Cuba on Thursday re-opened to the public the doors of its Capitol. Said the U.S., “What’s it like to actually get something accomplished in your Capitol building?”

17. Last week, Pulitzer Prize winning writer David Mamet revealed that he has penned a new play about film producer Harvey Weinstein. I don’t understand, didn’t we already have one of those?:

February 16, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A boy in Florida had be rescued last week after he crawled into a claw arcade game and became trapped. Authorities became aware of the situation upon hearing Jerry Sandusky yell, “Quick! Does anyone have change for a dollar!”

2. The U.S. Justice Department’s third-ranking official, Rachel Brand, will resign and take a senior job at Walmart. Brand is the second Trump administration staffer to leave the White House for a job at Walmart:

3. On Friday, both President Trump and injured Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz spoke at the annual National Prayer Breakfast. Said Trump to Wentz, “Just to prepare myself, what’s it like when your replacement does a much better job than you?”

4. Erotic thriller “Fifty Shades Freed” and children’s movie “Peter Rabbit” finished 1 and 2 at the box office over the weekend. “Jackpot,” said this movie-goer:

5. According to a new study, the toys children play with can influence the skills they learn and what they grow up to become. And, in related news, these are the toys Don Jr. and Eric played with as kids:

6. One of the favorites to win the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show didn’t show up in the ring when the German shepherd breeds competition started early Monday morning. Not surprisingly, the New York Post caught Puddles partying with Diddy and Bieber at 1 Oak late Sunday night:

7. This week, advisor to Donald Trump, Kellyanne Conway defended the President’s treatment of women, says he has “many times come to the aid of women privately.” In some cases even going as far as to grab them by their privatelys.

8. Donald Trump Jr.’s wife, Vanessa Trump, was taken to the hospital Monday after receiving a letter containing white powder that was later deemed to be non-hazardous. Which is good, but I wasn’t too worried, because a woman who has been exposed to that much Don Jr. in her life must have built up a pretty strong tolerance to toxic substances.

9. Donald Trump Jr.’s wife, Vanessa Trump, was taken to the hospital Monday after receiving a letter containing traces of white powder that was later deemed to be non-hazardous. Not to be confused with letters she receives from her father-in-law which contain traces of white power.

10. President Donald Trump said on Wednesday he is completely opposed to domestic violence. Especially after Melania found out about Stormy:

11. According to a new study, kidney stones are on the rise in the United States. But I’m pretty sure that’s not the reason it hurts when this guy pees:

12. An Oregon woman has become the first person worldwide known to have had an eye infestation by a tiny worm species previously seen only in cattle that is spread by flies that feed on eyeball lubrication. You can read more about it in this months Medical Journal of Please Don’t Let There Be Pictures of This.

13. Over the weekend, President Trump said a classified memo by congressional Democrats related to investigations of Russian influence in the 2016 presidential election is “very political and long” and must be “heavily redacted” before it can be released. Even worse, now Trump knows about redactions:

14. Over the weekend, President Trump said a classified memo by congressional Democrats related to investigations of Russian influence in the 2016 presidential election is “very political” and must be “heavily redacted” before it can be released. Trump’s other demands before the memo can be released: add a few pictures, a couple of pop-ups and throw Waldo in there a few times.

February 9, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A woman in Florida claims an airline told her to flush her hamster down a toilet at the airport because the emotional support pet wasn’t allowed to fly with her. “Or, hear me out, you could go with plan B,” said Richard Gere.

2. On Tuesday, entrepreneur Elon Mush launched a Tesla roadster into outer space. A car hasn’t been that far away from a road since the last time Billy Joel got behind a wheel.

3. According to reports, President Trump wants to stage a military parade outside of the White House later this year. The last time a group of people marched on the White House bearing weapons, they were coming for Eric:

4. A new survey found that the average New York City resident has sex 26.6 times a year. Thus, marking the first time Melania is happy that she now lives in D.C.

5. A new survey found that the average New York City resident has sex 26.6 times a year. “That number seems way off,” said this New York couple meaning completely different things:

6. According to a new report, nearly $2 of every $10 the Trump campaign spent last year went towards legal fees. Presumably because a Big Mac costs $7.99.

7. Last week a man in Oregon pled guilty to reporting his father and brother as terrorists because they got an invitation to a family wedding and he didn’t. But, if you ask me, the real terrorists are the bride and the groom who made it a destination wedding.

8. On Sunday, Kylie Jenner announced that she gave birth to a baby girl. Now comes the really difficult part, deciding what name the baby should call her grandparents:

9. As per tradition, after winning the Super Bowl, the Philadelphia Eagles will be invited to the White House. And it can’t go any worse than the last time Trump met an eagle:

10. Doritos is reportedly working on ‘lady-friendly’ chips that don’t crunch for women. Who said the Women’s March didn’t accomplish anything:

11. There was a surge in searches for pornography in Boston following the Patriots Super Bowl loss on Sunday. I guess their fans, much like the Patriots, wanted to beat themselves:

12. An Illinois high school math teacher has come under fire for giving her students a homework assignment that mentioned cocaine and getting high. Said the teacher, “It was a mix-up, but, on the plus side, my drug dealer is really good at long division now.”

13. A student in Texas is facing disciplinary action after he called for a stripper to perform at his middle school and used his father’s credit card to pay for it. The student and stripper serve as a good reminder of what can happen if your dad doesn’t pay more attention to you.

14. A student in Texas is facing disciplinary action after he called for a stripper to perform at his middle school and used his parent’s credit card to pay for it. It’s the first stripper to visit that middle school since Becky’s mom participated in career day.

15. A student in Texas is facing disciplinary action after he called for a stripper to perform at his middle school and used his parent’s credit card to pay for it. Said the kid’s angry father, “How many times have I told you, never pay a stripper with a credit card!”

December 1, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Parents are outraged at a Beijing kindergarten over charges that their children were fed pills, jabbed with needles and forced to strip. But, in the school’s defense, those iPhones weren’t gonna make themselves.

2. An expectant Arkansas couple who love Olive Garden plan to name their child, due in December, Olivia Garton. They named their first son Fuddruckers, not because they like that restaurant, but because they fucking hate that kid.

3. A United Airlines flight arriving from Germany was forced to land with four blown tires Sunday at Newark Liberty International Airport. Oh my god, what a nightmare, can you imagine having to land in New Jersey.

4. Dictionary.com has chosen ‘complicit’ as 2017’s word of the year. The website went with ‘complicit’ because apparently ‘MotherFuckingShitHowIsAnyOfThisReal’ isn’t a word.

5. This week, First Lady Melania Trump decorated the White House for the holidays:

6. A Bosnian war criminal died in a courtroom on Wednesday after drinking poison upon hearing that his 20-year jail term had been upheld. Said the judge, “Oops, wait, I meant not guilty.”

7. 92-year-old actress Angela Lansbury is facing criticism after saying women “must sometimes take blame” for sexual harassment because of the way they dress. Say what you will, but it is refreshing to hear a 92-year-old not blame something on ‘the Orientals.’

8. Bernie Sanders has been nominated for a Grammy for best audiobook. Thus marking the first time Phil Spector won’t have the most messed up hair in the room:

9. On Wednesday, NBC News fired longtime ‘Today Show’ host Matt Lauer for “inappropriate sexual behavior.” Which should make the next “Where in the World is Matt Lauer” bit pretty easy:

10. According to a new study, people with OCD are less likely to go to college compared with peers who don’t have the disorder. Which explains why Michigan State’s new major “Doorknob Touching” is so under-subscribed.

11. Viagra can now be bought over-the-counter, without a prescription in Britain. “Ah, fuck,” said Queen Elizabeth:

12. White House press secretary Sarah Sanders defended President Trump’s decision to retweet a series of anti-Muslim videos on Wednesday morning, telling reporters that it doesn’t matter if the videos are real, he circulated them to start a conversation. That conversation: What the fuck is wrong with our president?

13. According to a new study, being married may reduce your risk of developing dementia. That incredible study again, President Trump could be worse.

14. A new study found that a dermatologist was just as accurate in diagnosing children’s skin conditions from smartphone photos taken by parents as the doctors who saw the kids in person. “But only pictures taken by parents?” asked Anthony Weiner.

15. A judge on Tuesday sided with President Trump in a legal battle over who should be in charge of the U.S. consumer finance watchdog. The ruling was historic, not because the issue was novel, but because Trump actually won in court.

16. Stanford running-back and Heisman contender Bryce Love says he wants to be a pediatrician. “That’s two things we have in common,” said college football coach Jerry Sandusky.

17. On Thursday, Republican Congressman Joe Barton of Texas said he will not seek re-election after a nude picture of him appeared on the internet earlier this month. If that’s what it takes to get someone to not run for re-election, it’s not worth it:

18. A South African beauty who helps train women in self-defense was crowned Miss Universe on Sunday. For the talent portion of the contest, she single-handedly kept Donald Trump out of the dressing room.