January 6, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, a Kentucky woman gave her probation officer a dog urine sample during a drug screening. Officials became suspicious when her tests came back positive for snausages.

2. During a rally on Friday, President Trump warned his supporters that his Democratic opponents would tear down crosses. Although I’m not sure uppercase T’s count as crosses: 

3. Presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg on Tuesday said his campaign had unknowingly used prison workers to make telephone calls on his behalf. Although, I think they would have been more effective if they had been knocking on doors instead:

4. Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein underwent back surgery last week. Here’s hoping for a quick recovery … for the doctors who had to see him naked. 

5. President Trump on Friday blasted the magazine founded by the late Reverend Billy Graham after the publication called for him to be removed from office. Said Trump, “That magazine isn’t even worthy of being rolled up by a stripper to be spanked with.”

6. Russian President Vladimir Putin again invited President Trump to visit Moscow in the coming year. The prostitutes are already preparing for Donald’s arrival:

7. President Trump said on Tuesday he would be happy to have a trial in the Senate following his impeachment in the House, but that he did not really care. Trump has such little interest in the matter that he has nicknamed it ‘Tiffany.’

8. On Monday, doctors to Bernie Sanders said the presidential hopeful passed a stress test. That story again, apparently there are no visual components to stress tests:

9. A recent study found that a Google artificial intelligence system proved as good as expert radiologists at detecting which women had breast cancer. “Great, now all women can share my experience of what it’s liked to get felt up by a robot,” said Ann Romney.

10. Disney World employees who portray costumed characters have filed incident reports with police, claiming tourists inappropriately touched them. “When you’re a star, they just let you do it,” said one Donald to another.

11. According to reports, actress Lori Loughlin is reportedly practicing martial arts so she’ll be ready for prison. Or, more likely:

12. A Chinese court sentenced the scientist who created the world’s first “gene-edited” babies to three years in prison. Apparently now you can get sent to jail for making babies that shouldn’t exist, so better lawyer up Mr. and Mrs. Bieber.

13. A Chinese court sentenced the scientist who created the world’s first “gene-edited” babies to three years in prison on Monday for illegally practicing medicine. “Wait, you can legally practice medicine?” said this guy:

14. According to a new study, almost 1 in 18 women have experienced sexual harassment in the workplace. This study was conducted anywhere other than “The Today Show”:

15. Newsweek has published a new article profiling an experimental study conducted 20 years ago that observed eight couples having sex in an MRI scanner. So now you have something other than that tumor to worry about, next person in that scanner. 

16. Newsweek has published a new article profiling an experimental study conducted 20 years ago that observed eight couples having sex in an MRI scanner. The study concluded that you should never let give the night janitor keys to the MRI room.

January 26, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to his alleged-mistress Stormy Daniels, President Trump is deathly afraid of sharks. Is he afraid of all sharks or, like Charlottesville, does he make an exception for the great white ones?

2. According to reports, Matt Lauer’s wife has kicked him out of the house. Turns out he’s not the only Lauer who knows how to install a lock on a door.

3. On his last day in the Middle East, Vice President Mike Pence visited Israel’s historic Western Wall. “Look at this old, relic from a very long time ago,” said the wall.

4. The Weinstein Company has entered into exclusive negotiations to sell the studio to a group of investors led by former Obama administration official Maria Contreras-Sweet. It will be a nice change of pace for an Obama official to follow a sexual predator this time, instead of the other way around:

5. A car insurance company has admitted to increasing premiums for customers with hotmail email addresses, claiming they are more likely to get into accidents. Said one of those customers, “I’m brining you down, wait til everyone on Friendster hears about this!”

6. Last week, White House special counsel Ty Cobb said he expects the Russia investigation to wrap up in the next four to six weeks. After which, I assume, he will go back to his day job as mayor of Munchkinland:

7. The International Olympic Committee announced on Saturday that North Korea will send 22 athletes to the Winter Games in the South Korea next month. The athletes said they look forward to representing North Korea this year and South Korea in 2022.

8. Twelve hours into the federal government shutdown, minority leader Chuck Schumer complained, “Negotiating with President Trump is like negotiating with Jell-O.” Said representatives from Jell-O, “Still not the worst publicity we’ve had”:

9. According to reports, ex-Trump staffer Omarosa Manigault Newman may have secretly recorded all of her conversations while working in the White House. If true, we may finally hear firsthand conversation only Omarosa was privy to, conversations like, “What is Omarosa doing here?” and “What the fuck is her job?”

10. According to a new survey, ten percent of Americans have never heard of Mike Pence. Said Pence, “Please tell me one of those people is Robert Mueller.”

11. During last weekend’s Woman’s March, the president of Planned Parenthood called on white women to do more to “save this country from itself.” In response, Hillary quietly excused herself to her punching wall:

12. On Monday, nominations for the Razzies, the awards for the worst movies of the year, were announced with “Transformers: The Last Knight” leading the way with nine nominations. Which is weird because I don’t remember Johnny Depp being in that.

13. Cybercriminals claim to be selling the Social Security numbers of babies on the dark web. “What about phone numbers?” asked Jared Fogel.


14. President Trump said on Monday that he would make a deal on immigration only if he sees it as beneficial for the country. Or if Melania starts to lose her looks.

15. President Trump told reporters on Wednesday that, if given the opportunity, he would talk to special counsel Robert Mueller under oath. Of course Trump would have to be under oath because, as Melania will tell you, he’s way too heavy to be on top.

16. President Trump told reporters on Wednesday that, if given the opportunity, he would talk to special counsel Robert Mueller under oath. Begging the question, does the oath count if your hand barely covers the Bible?:

17. Monday was Donald and Melania Trump’s 13th wedding anniversary. Which means Donald saved some money by only having to send one bouquet:

18. A U.S. official appointed by President Donald Trump has resigned after CNN posted excerpts of him making racist and Islamophobic comments on a radio show he used to host. Asked whether they knew about the video, the Trump administration replied, “Why do you think we hired him?”

19. President Donald threatened on Thursday to withhold aid to the Palestinians if they did not pursue peace with Israel. But, the president should know that sometimes you have to support things even if you don’t want to:

20. Buyers who sign up early for new Trump-branded apartments in India are being given the chance to meet with Donald Trump Jr. Although, but if don’t have enough money to buy a condo, but still want to meet Don Jr., just tell him you have dirt on Hillary Clinton.

January 5, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. A group of Egyptian soccer players have formed a team for one-legged players. That story again, a group of Egyptians invented foosball:

2. According to a soon-to-be released book, President Trump strips the linens off his own bed in the White House. Or, as it is known when he’s in Russia, destroying the evidence.

3. In response to Steve Bannon’s recent critical comments, President Trump said, “When [Bannon] was fired, he not only lost his job, he lost his mind.” And, according to Anthony Scaramucci, he also lost a few ribs:

4. According to excerpts from an upcoming tell-all book, First Lady Melania Trump didn’t want Donald to win the presidency, and cried on election night. But, to be fair, Melania cries most nights.

5. On Tuesday, Utah Senator Orinn Hatch announced that he is retiring after serving over four decades in Congress. Hopefully they’ll be able to find another old white guy somewhere in Utah to replace him.

6. Vin Diesel was the highest grossing actor of 2017. While Kevin Spacey was the gross-est.

7. According to Google, ‘Hurricane Irma’ and ‘Matt Lauer’ were among the top searched terms of 2017. Apparently people were interested in finding out more about a devastating event that ruined many peoples lives and Hurricane Irma.

8. On Monday, 400 fans braved 2-degree temperatures to greet the Bills at Buffalo Niagara International Airport after Buffalo beat Miami Sunday to clinch its first playoff berth in 17 years. Because nothing says celebration like leaving Miami for Buffalo in the middle of December.

9. Tuesday morning, NBC announced that longtime correspondent Hoda Kotb will permanently replace Matt Lauer as co-anchor of the ‘Today Show.’ Said Lauer, “Two women … NICE!”

10. Tuesday morning, NBC announced that longtime correspondent Hoda Kotb will permanently replace Matt Lauer as co-anchor of the ‘Today Show.’ Which means Hoda will leave her current role as co-host of the ‘Today Show’s’ fourth hour and co-host Kathie Lee will question if Hoda ever existed or was just a Chardonnay-fueled hallucination.

11. President Trump rang in the new year the same way he has for more than a decade, holding an opulent gala at his Mar-a-Lago club. While Melania also rang in the new year in her typical fashion, by being as far away from Donald as possible when the clock struck midnight

12. President Trump said on Monday the United States has “foolishly” handed Pakistan more than $33 billion in aid over the last 15 years while getting nothing in return. Which explains Trump’s new nickname for Pakistan, “Don Jr.”

13. After five and half years, Guy Fieri’s American Kitchen & Bar restaurant in Times Square is closing its doors. “Thank God, it was really bringing property values in the area down,” said a guy in an Elmo costume masturbating in an alley.

14. According to new research, people who drink hot tea daily may be less likely to develop glaucoma symptoms. Which means the Queen smokes the ganj because she’s chill as fuck:

15. Boxer Mike Tyson is opening a marijuana resort on 40-acres of land in the remote Mojave Desert. A boxer with a notorious quick temper and an unlimited supply of mood altering drugs all taking place on a piece of land very far away from civilization, what could go wrong?

December 15, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a recent report, President Trump watches up to eight hours of TV a day. But, in Trump’s defense, sometimes Blue’s clues are tricky and he has to re-watch an entire episode to figure it out.

2. A Massachusetts man is accused of catching a 400-pound tuna out of season and then dumping the carcass in the woods. A Massachusetts man killed something by pulling it out of the water, or as it’s know around those parts, a reverse Ted Kennedy.

3. A New York man who ran naked across the field during a Buffalo Bills blowout loss was sentenced to 25 hours of community service and $400 in fines. Although the man got off easy since the other option the judge was considering was forcing him to attend another Bills game.

4. Special Counsel Robert Mueller unveiled evidence showing that former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort violated a gag order by ghost-writing an article to bolster his public image. Although I can’t think of anything Manafort could write that would bolster his image, unless, of course, it’s his own obit.

5. Google has begun offering a new search feature that shows videos of celebrities answering commonly asked questions about themselves. For instance, Kim Kardashian claims her butt is real, Will Ferrell confirms that he can play the drums and Richard Gere says he’s never even owned a hamster.

6. Last week, Orthodox Jewish singer Yonatan Razel blindfolded himself with duct tape to avoid seeing female fans dancing in the audience. Razel’s wife called him “very religious” while Ray Charles called him “fucking ungrateful.”

7. An Arizona woman was arrested last week on suspicion of DUI after driving down the highway the wrong way, dancing on top of her car and stealing a kid’s scooter to try to make a getaway. Which explains Arizona’s new state motto; “Your move, Florida.”

8. Authorities say an Idaho man tried to crash his car into a courthouse in downtown Boise because he was upset with the court system. Which, I guess means Billy Joel was upset with his neighbor’s pool.

9. Twitter is hosting an event next month that will feature only high-profile female speakers. To prepare, Vice President Pence has already barricaded himself in his bomb shelter.

10. On Monday, chef Mario Batali announced that he is stepping away from his restaurant business and TV show amid allegations of sexual misconduct, saying he is “deeply sorry” for any pain or humiliation he has caused. That surprising story again, a guy who wears orange crocs everyday has the capacity to feel shame.

11. An Egyptian court jailed a singer for two years on Tuesday for inciting debauchery after she appeared in a music video in her underwear and suggestively eating a banana. Or, as Paris Hilton calls it, a career.

12. A 31-year-old teacher in Texas was arrested Tuesday following an alleged relationship with a minor she reportedly met while volunteering at church. But, on the plus-side, that kid is definitely gonna believe in God now.

13. On Tuesday night, Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore lost the Alabama special Senate election after riding a horse to the polling place earlier in the day. But, since this is the South, Alabama has already built a monument featuring Moore on that horse to memorialize his defeat.

14. According to reports, former-Today Show host Matt Lauer, who was fired due to sexual harassment allegations, plans to disappear from the public eye by playing golf and living in the Hamptons. So, that’ll teach him.

15. Experts say that Alabama Senate hopeful Roy Moore lost the election because of write-in candidates. That crazy story again, there are people in Alabama who can write.

16. On Wednesday, an Airbus plane in Germany, took a route that mapped out the image of a Christmas tree that could be clearly seen on flight radar sites. Upon hearing the news, Delta asked “what’s the point?” while Malaysia Airlines asked “what’s a radar?”

17. Roy Moore refused to concede the Alabama Senate race Tuesday night, saying, “God is always in control.” Adding, “Well God and Reggie Bradshaw, head of security at the Westlake Mall in Gadsen, Alabama.

18. According to reports, after being fired, Omarosa Manigault Newman had to be forcibly removed from the White House by Secret Service. Secret Service said it was a nice change of pace to drag a woman against her will AWAY from the White House:

19. A baby in the U.K., born with her heart outside her body, survived a surgery this week to insert it back into her chest. Not to be outdone, Paul Ryan has been living for 47 years without a backbone.

20. A convicted pedophile was not allowed to board a flight leaving Australia on Wednesday, when a law barring registered child sex offenders from international travel took effect. As a result, some offenders have resorted to older forms of transportation:

December 1, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Parents are outraged at a Beijing kindergarten over charges that their children were fed pills, jabbed with needles and forced to strip. But, in the school’s defense, those iPhones weren’t gonna make themselves.

2. An expectant Arkansas couple who love Olive Garden plan to name their child, due in December, Olivia Garton. They named their first son Fuddruckers, not because they like that restaurant, but because they fucking hate that kid.

3. A United Airlines flight arriving from Germany was forced to land with four blown tires Sunday at Newark Liberty International Airport. Oh my god, what a nightmare, can you imagine having to land in New Jersey.

4. Dictionary.com has chosen ‘complicit’ as 2017’s word of the year. The website went with ‘complicit’ because apparently ‘MotherFuckingShitHowIsAnyOfThisReal’ isn’t a word.

5. This week, First Lady Melania Trump decorated the White House for the holidays:

6. A Bosnian war criminal died in a courtroom on Wednesday after drinking poison upon hearing that his 20-year jail term had been upheld. Said the judge, “Oops, wait, I meant not guilty.”

7. 92-year-old actress Angela Lansbury is facing criticism after saying women “must sometimes take blame” for sexual harassment because of the way they dress. Say what you will, but it is refreshing to hear a 92-year-old not blame something on ‘the Orientals.’

8. Bernie Sanders has been nominated for a Grammy for best audiobook. Thus marking the first time Phil Spector won’t have the most messed up hair in the room:

9. On Wednesday, NBC News fired longtime ‘Today Show’ host Matt Lauer for “inappropriate sexual behavior.” Which should make the next “Where in the World is Matt Lauer” bit pretty easy:

10. According to a new study, people with OCD are less likely to go to college compared with peers who don’t have the disorder. Which explains why Michigan State’s new major “Doorknob Touching” is so under-subscribed.

11. Viagra can now be bought over-the-counter, without a prescription in Britain. “Ah, fuck,” said Queen Elizabeth:

12. White House press secretary Sarah Sanders defended President Trump’s decision to retweet a series of anti-Muslim videos on Wednesday morning, telling reporters that it doesn’t matter if the videos are real, he circulated them to start a conversation. That conversation: What the fuck is wrong with our president?

13. According to a new study, being married may reduce your risk of developing dementia. That incredible study again, President Trump could be worse.

14. A new study found that a dermatologist was just as accurate in diagnosing children’s skin conditions from smartphone photos taken by parents as the doctors who saw the kids in person. “But only pictures taken by parents?” asked Anthony Weiner.

15. A judge on Tuesday sided with President Trump in a legal battle over who should be in charge of the U.S. consumer finance watchdog. The ruling was historic, not because the issue was novel, but because Trump actually won in court.

16. Stanford running-back and Heisman contender Bryce Love says he wants to be a pediatrician. “That’s two things we have in common,” said college football coach Jerry Sandusky.

17. On Thursday, Republican Congressman Joe Barton of Texas said he will not seek re-election after a nude picture of him appeared on the internet earlier this month. If that’s what it takes to get someone to not run for re-election, it’s not worth it:

18. A South African beauty who helps train women in self-defense was crowned Miss Universe on Sunday. For the talent portion of the contest, she single-handedly kept Donald Trump out of the dressing room.

May 5, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Today, Vice President Mike Pence will host a Cinco de Mayo celebration at the White House. The only way picking Pence for that job makes sense is if they thought ‘Mayo’ was short for mayonnaise.

2. According to reports, the first call President Trump made after the House repealed Obamacare yesterday was to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell to tell him the “ball’s in your court now.” And, from the look of him, in his neck as well:

3. According to sources, while meeting with religious leaders at the White House yesterday, President Trump held up a copy of ‘the New York Times’ and bragged about all the good coverage his daughter Ivanka was getting. He also bragged about his son Eric by holding up his most recent finger-painting.

4. According to sources, while meeting with religious leaders at the White House yesterday, President Trump held up copy of ‘the New York Times’ and bragged about all the good coverage his daughter Ivanka was getting. “Jesus Christ,” said everyone in the room.

5. Yesterday, President Trump returned to New York City for the first time since taking office. A lot has changed since the last time he was there including the color of the leaves on the trees and the locks on the door to the apartment he shares with Melania.

6. Florida authorities have charged a woman with prostitution after she agreed to perform a sex act on an undercover detective for $25 and Chicken McNuggets. Or, as Charlie Sheen calls it, a dinner date.

7. It was announced this week that Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski, co-hosts of MSNBC’s ‘Morning Joe,’ are engaged. So, you’re move Matt Lauer and Al Roker.

8. An Egyptian woman, believed to be the world’s heaviest woman, left an Indian hospital on Thursday more than 600 pounds lighter. Although, technically, she didn’t leave the building, they found it easier to leave her in one place and move the hospital.

9. Twitter has reached an agreement to stream live WNBA games next season. Thus providing sports fans a new way to completely ignore women’s basketball.

10. According to ‘the Washington Post,’ President Trump has mentioned the election results on 68 of the 176 days since the election. Presumably because the other 108 days he was too busy golfing.

11. A Queens man is memorializing his lifelong friend, a plumber, by flushing his cremated remains into the pipes of baseball stadiums across the country. Here’s a picture of the guy:

12. A Queens man is memorializing his lifelong friend, a plumber, by flushing his cremated remains down the toilets of baseball stadiums across the country. Or, more likely, a dead plumber thought he had a better friend.

13. On Tuesday, Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro called for a rewrite of the country’s Constitution which he said would quell protests. “A president can do that?” asked Trump.

14. A woman in Florida was arrested for assaulting a man who refused to stop playing a xylophone. “Fuck,” said the officer who had to write up that police report.

15. On Monday, Secretary of Commerce, Wilbur Ross, referred to President Trump ordering the Syrian missile strike while eating at Mar-a-Lago as “after dinner entertainment.” Which is why I wanted Chris Christie to be president, because there’s never any after dinner entertainment when you can’t figure out when one meal ends and the next begins.

16. According to a White House official, Ivanka Trump will review some executive orders before her father signs them. And, in future news, President Trump has declared war on Nordstroms.

17. White House budget director Mick Mulvaney accused Democrats on Tuesday of trying to make President Trump look bad and added that a government shutdown fight be inevitable if they do not act better. Adding, “I swear to God I’ll turn this car around!”

18. Over the weekend, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was spotted at a highway rest-stop waiting in line at a Cinnabon. So, my apologies to the people behind Christie in line who never even had a chance at getting a cinnamon bun.

19. Researchers have discovered the some female dragonflies pretend to be dead to avoid male dragonflies. “Trust me, I’ve tried,” said Melania.

20. In a recent interview, President Trump said he is both “a nationalist and a globalist.” I guess I never really looked at those hats close enough:

21. According to reports, President Trump reversed his position on NAFTA after his Secretaries of Commerce and Agriculture showed him a map of the U.S. and pointed out the areas that would be affected. Said Trump, “There’s a north Dakota, too!?!”

22. An Alabama woman claims she choked on a condom in her French toast at a local IHOP. Even worse, the condom was sticky, and she hadn’t even poured the syrup on yet.


23. Molly, a Jack Russell terrier, has undergone gender reassignment in a rare operation after vets discovered she was a hermaphrodite. As a result, Molly has no idea which fire hydrant to use in North Carolina.

24. The EPA removed most climate change information from its website Friday, saying in a press release that language on the website is being updated to “reflect the approach of new leadership.” Begging the question, can a website just be a fart noise.

25. Last week, a New York man in need of brake lines crashed his car into an auto parts store. As a result, there are only two Pep Boys now.

August 27, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Josh Duggar, the disgraced star of the cancelled reality show “19 Kids and Counting,” checked himself into rehab. And, if you thought having 19 kids was scary, it’s even worse when you’re seeing double.

2. On Tuesday, while visiting a museum, a 12-year-old boy in Taiwan accidentally tripped and punched a hole in a 17th century painting worth $1.5 million. Said the boy, “And if the Mona Lisa doesn’t wipe that smirk off her face, she’s next.”

3. On Wednesday, Burger King suggested to McDonald’s that the two fast-food chains come together to make ‘The McWhopper.’ The companies reportedly got the idea to combine their food after watching “2 Girls, 1 Cup.”

4. Yesterday, presidential candidate Donald Trump told NBC’s Matt Lauer that he’s “not a bully.” And I tend to side with Trump, because, from the looks of it, he was the one who got the swirly.

5. On Wednesday, President Obama welcomed the 2014 WNBA champion Phoenix Mercury to Washington D.C. There haven’t been that many lesbians in the White House since Bill Clinton was in office.

6. Yesterday, the 2014 WNBA champion Phoenix Mercury visited President Obama at the White House. And, in related news, presidential candidate Lincoln Chaffee has started practicing his jump-shot, as he now has a new, more realistic plan to get to the White House.

7. On Sunday, rapper Wiz Khalifa was arrested at LAX for riding a hoverboard. Thus concluding our weekly feature, news stories most likely to confuse your grandma.

8. Britain’s National Health Service recently approved a trial for dogs capable of sniffing out prostate cancer. And you thought the test was invasive before, but, at least the dogs have wet noses.

9. According to a new study, people around the world are living longer than ever before. “Yeah, I noticed,” said Prince Charles.

10. On Tuesday, a Miami couple got married underwater off the coast of Florida’s Key Largo. Unfortunately, the best man held his breath too long and lost consciousness, but, on the plus-side, he counted as the couple’s ‘something blue.’

November 18, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. An Australian morning TV show anchor wore the same suit every day for a year, sometimes going weeks between cleanings. Said his co-anchor, “I still prefer this to sitting next to Matt Lauer.”

2. The California Department of Corrections said that Charles Manson has been granted a marriage license and will be allowed to wed while in prison. So I’m no longer scared of Charles Manson, but I am now petrified of the person who agreed to marry Charles Manson.

3. According to a new study, merely recommending a calorie-counting app to overweight people and giving them access to it on their phones does not lead to weight loss. Mainly, because their fingers are too fat to operate the app.

4. On Monday, Boston Marathon champion Meb Keflezighi and Diamond League winner Jenny Simpson were named U.S. athletes of the year. Either that or the guy who made the announcement said Jenny’s name and then sneezed.

5. A 30-year Harlem resident who suffers from incontinence has been evicted from his apartment by a New York City judge who said the stench of his urine jeopardized the safety of other tenants. And yet, the F-train is still allowed to operate on a daily basis.

6. Pope Francis announced on Monday he will make his first official visit to the U.S next year. Quick, everyone, hide the porn.

7. Pope Francis announced on Monday he will make his first official visit to the U.S next year. He will be traveling to Philadelphia, the city that booed the Easter Bunny and pelted Santa Claus with snowballs. So I guess what I’m saying is, bring the Popemobile.

8. Last week, Paris Hilton won women’s newcomer of the year at an awards ceremony for DJs. So I’m sorry to the, I’m guessing, zero other nominees.

9. The company that makes Botox was recently sold for $6 billion. The former owner was happy with the sale price, at least I think he was, it was really hard to tell.

10. Yesterday, Time Magazine apologized to women for suggesting a ban on the word “feminist.” Said Time Magazine, “We’re sorry, we didn’t realize anyone was still reading Time Magazine.”

June 26, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, North Korea called the upcoming movie “The Interview,” in which James Franco and Seth Rogen attempt to assassinate Kim Jong Un, “an act of war.” But, to be fair, that’s the same review they gave “the Green Hornet.”

2. Earlier this week, actor Gary Oldman defended actors Mel Gibson and Alec Baldwin in an interview with Playboy saying who hasn’t used the n-word or called some a “fucking Jew.” And, if you think that’s disturbing, you should see his centerfold.

3. Earlier this week, actor Gary Oldman defended actors Mel Gibson and Alec Baldwin in an interview with Playboy saying who hasn’t said the n-word or called some a “fucking Jew.” If only there were something in that magazine to distract readers from those controversial comments.

4. Luis Suarez’s lawyer flew to Rio de Janeiro yesterday to present his defense after the Uruguay soccer player was accused of biting an opponent during a match. Suarez is expected to plead “Not Hungry.”

5. Luis Suarez, the Uruguay soccer star who bit an opponent during a match, could face a two-year suspension from FIFA. “That’s nothing, once this World Cup is over, we’re not gonna pay attention to soccer for the next four years,” said Americans.

6. Yesterday a boat crashed in New York City because its captain was having a threesome. The captain survived the wreck, but ultimately died from injured sustained from high fiving the entire Coast Guard.

7. Arizona’s Governor Jan Brewer said on Wednesday that as a mother it broke her heart to see the plight of illegal immigrant children, and that she blamed the federal government for failing to send a message that the U.S. border was closed. But I think the fact that the kids were forced to hire a coyote, jam into the back of a truck with 50 other immigrants and crawl over barbwire, all under the cloak of night, heavily implied it.

8. On Wednesday, the Supreme Court ruled that police officers need a warrant to search the cellphone of arrested suspects. “A little late fellas,” said Anthony Weiner.

9. Yesterday, “Today” show host Matt Lauer sat down for a one-on-one interview with Pippa Middleton, her first ever national television interview. The pairing makes sense, as one is the most recognizable ass in the country and the other is Pippa Middleton.

10. The discovery of the oldest known human poop this week is offering valuable scientific insight into the life of Neanderthals who lived in Spain over 50,000 years ago. For instance, they ate corn.

February 12, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. The NBA’s New Orleans Pelicans announced on Monday that its mascot, Pierre the Pelican, will have reconstructive surgery for “a broken beak.” The team also announced that the mascot will change its name from “Pierre Rosenberg” to just “Pierre.”

2. Late Monday night, screen-legend Shirley Temple died at the age of 85. “Wow, I didn’t know she was still alive. I was really only interested in her earlier work,” said Woody Allen.

3. Child-star Shirley Temple died on Monday at the age of 85, that’s like 12 years in Honey Boo Boo years.

4. Washington state Governor Jay Inslee declared a moratorium on Tuesday on carrying out the death penalty in the state. “Hello, Washington,” said Oregon’s murderers.

5. The British government said on Tuesday they intend to ban the act of smoking in cars carrying children. I understand the intent of the law, but those kids are going to be woefully underprepared for their future jobs as witty chimney-sweeps.

6. On Tuesday, U.S. Olympic skier Bode Miller told reporters that he needed laser eye surgery and his decision to wait until after the Games contributed to his poor performance. “Oh your eyes hurt, boo-hoo,” said Bob Costas.

7. Due to a nasty case of pink eye, Bob Costas ceded his role as anchor of NBC’s primetime Olympic coverage Tuesday night to “Today” show co-host Matt Lauer. “Welcome to hell, Bob” said Ann Curry.

8. U.S. Olympic snowboarder Sage Kotsenburg said he wishes his gold medal was made of bacon instead. “We could not disagree with you more,” said the Israeli Olympic team.

9. The Food & Drug Administration hit back on Tuesday at critics who have charged it with gender bias for rejecting a drug for women with low libidos. Said the FDA, “We already have something for that, it’s called money.”

10. New research shows, most women who are sexually active when they enter middle age continue to engage sexually as they grow older. “Not according to our research,” said married men.