April 13, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. There is a new show on Quibi called ‘Murder House Flip’ where people renovate notorious homicide homes. “If this keeps up much longer, they’re gonna have a lot more homes to choose from,” said couples quarantined together. 

2. Last week, aides to Joe Biden said the likely Democratic nominee will arrange a call with President Trump to discuss the country’s response to the deadly coronavirus pandemic. Together they will tackle the nation’s biggest challenge, two 70-plus-year-old men trying to figure out a Zoom call:

 3. Walt Disney might require theme park visitors to have their temperatures checked when they reopen after coronavirus restrictions on public gatherings are lifted. “Bend over,” said Goofy:

4. Queen Elizabeth made a rare address to the nation last weekend to address the coronavirus pandemic. Wow, it must be so comforting to have a leader that rarely addresses the nation:

5. According to reports, President Trump has been advocating the use of hydrochloroquine to treat the coronavirus because Rudy Guiliani has been telling him that it works. Which explains Trump’s other suggested cure, marrying your first cousin.

6. Last Tuesday was National Beer Day. Said Americans, “What’s Tuesday?”

7. According to a new study, you can predict how many women a man has slept with by how funny he is. That story again, Rob Schneider is still a virgin.

8. A painting by Vincent van Gogh was stolen in an overnight raid at a Dutch museum. I’m jealous, not of the payday that will come from selling that masterpiece, but that they got out of their house and went to a museum. 

9. Over the weekend, “Saturday Night Live” returned to television with a new, remotely produced show. And I think i speak for everyone when I say, please, no one tell the producers of ‘God Friended Me” that’s possible.

10. Last week, author JK Rowling launched a ‘Harry Potter at Home’ online tool for kids in lockdown. Not to be outdone, Jared from Subway showed his tool to kids online and now he’s under lockdown.

11. According to a new study, cats can contract and pass the coronavirus. So that explains all the social distancing:

12. Last week, O.J. Simpson said that one of the stars of the Netflix docu-series ‘Tiger King’ definitely killed her husband. What makes him the authority on …. oh, right, right, right, the double murder thing.

13. The Democratic Party on Thursday postponed its presidential nominating convention by a month until August, citing the coronavirus health crisis. “So you’re telling me I still got a chance,” said Tulsi Gabbard.

14. A petition to name Dr. Anthony Fauci the “Sexiest Man Alive” is gaining momentum. Because if the virus keeps up, he will be the only man alive.

15. President Trump said Friday his administration was now recommending Americans wear “non-medical cloth” face coverings. Adding, “Especially the uggos.”

16. The Supreme Court on Friday postponed oral arguments scheduled for April as a result of the coronavirus and is considering alternative options for handling its outstanding cases. And those alternatives better involve Ruth Bader Ginsburg quarantined in the fucking Popemobile:

17. In a conference call with major league sports commissioners on Saturday, President Trump said he believes the NFL season should start on time in September. Although the football players weren’t enthusiastic about going back after the call, not because of the virus, but because they just got a firsthand look at the end-result of suffering severe brain damage:

18. Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger has been posting self-isolation videos of him eating meals at home with his tiny donkey and miniature horse. So I think it’s safe to assume Maria Shriver won that divorce.

19. According to reports, the King of Thailand is self-quarantining by renting out an entire hotel in Germany for himself and his twenty girlfriends. So at least we already know the epicenter of the next viral pandemic.

20. Last week, President Trump said he didn’t want to give the American people bad news during the coronavirus pandemic. Then maybe he should stop holding daily televised press conference reminding the American people that he’s still the president.

21. During a press conference last week, President Trump called himself a ‘cheerleader’ for the country. Marking the first time I’ve ever actually felt bad for Kellyanne Conway:

22. According to a new study, most Americans want the government to require mail-in ballots for the November presidential election if the coronavirus outbreak still threatens the public. Begging the question how much postage does it take to mail a ballot from Russia?

23. A group of clowns who usually entertain retirees in their rooms at seniors homes has taken to performing outside instead so their audience can watch from their windows while in coronavirus-enforced isolation. But if the seniors miss that show, don’t worry, this group of clowns puts on a performance on your tv everyday:

24. Last week, Dr. Anthony Fauci said he does not think people should shake hands “ever again.” “Look who was ahead of his time,” said President Trump:

25. This week, rapper Drake revealed that he has a Birkin bag collection that he purchased for his future wife. “Yeah, that’s why I had that pocketbook collection too,” said the ghost of Liberace.

February 3, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump said on Monday the United States and China were in close contact regarding the newly identified coronavirus outbreak. “Close contact? Be careful, you might contract something,” said China:

 2. Last week, scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. Scientists made this discovery by showing the movie “Cats” to a bunch of sharks and watching them walk out of the theater. 

3. ‘Rolling Stone’ reported this week that during a listening party for his new record, singer Justin Bieber cried during the album’s playback. Crying because you’re being forced to listen to Justin Bieber music is the most relatable Justin Bieber has ever been. 

4. London’s first cheese-themed hotel opened last week. There are only rooms for one, because if your lifestyle makes you want to sleep in a cheese hotel, you’re probably provolone. 

5. NASA recently announced that it wants to put a female astronaut on the moon by 2024. While Mike Pence wants to put all women there by 2025.

6. Author Mary Higgins Clark, known as the ‘Queen of Suspense,’ died on Friday at the age of 92. Or did she? 

7. Doctors have issued a warning telling young men not to masturbate using banana peels, which has become a trend circulating on social media. Otherwise you may find out just how curious George really is.

8. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has announced that his forthcoming tell-all book will be called “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir.” It will be the first book told entirely from the Presidential bathroom. 

9. Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has already spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on campaign ads. It’s all part of Bloomberg’s plan to be more omni-present and annoying than Flo from Progressive. 

10. Border agents arrested a 36-year-old US citizen this week after finding 222 pounds of liquid meth in his truck. To give you an idea, this is what 222 pounds of meth looks like:

11. A man in China recently ate several live eels in an attempt to cure his constipation. “No matter how this ends, it’s gonna be my problem” said the aquarium’s janitor.

12. Last week, it was announced on Twitter that Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has died. Although the timing of his death is suspicious since it came so quickly after the release of this photo:

13. An ad appearing in the Waze navigation app is misdirecting motorists trying to get to Atlantic City’s Borgata Casino into the wilderness of New Jersey instead. The ad is actually from the Borgata, specifically the casino’s collections department:

14. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’ wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer. “So it was the swimsuit edition,” said lesbians.

15. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. During the first episode Gunther calls the cops on the six black people for loitering in the coffee shop. 

16. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. Great news, we already have our Rachel:

17. Tinder is adding new safety features, including a panic button that alerts safety authorities if something goes wrong during a date. That’s crazy because it implies that something could go right on a Tinder date.

18. “Doctor Who” made history with its first ever black Doctor, who was revealed during Sunday night’s episode. Unfortunately it was Dr. Conrad Murray:

19. Twitter said on Monday accounts of several NFL teams, including the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs, were hacked, ahead of the Super Bowl. And apparently the Cleveland Browns:

20. President Trump tweeted in Arabic and Hebrew this week to promote his new Middle East peace deal. Begging the question, how can you even tell in Trump’s tweets are in a different language:

21. According to reports, Queen Elizabeth initially wanted to demote Prince Harry to an Earl upon hearing his decision to leave the Royal Family. “Vicious burn!” said the whitest people you know. 

22. A woman was arrested last week after attempting to sneak into the U.S. from Canada by running through a library that straddles the border between Quebec and Vermont. Police suspected she wasn’t American because she was in a library.

January 20, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Madame Tussauds waxwork museum in London announced last week that it had removed figures of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle from their royal exhibit. The last time a room full of royals cleared out that quickly the Queen ripped a mean one. 

2. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a candle that she claims smells like her vagina. And if you purchase that candle you can expect to hear a lot of questions like ‘Why did you buy this?’ and ‘How did this happen?’ and ‘Are you cooking fish?’ 

3. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. So, yeah, that’s not a spit bucket. 

4. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. Begging the question, who is my thirteen-year-old nephew training to fight? 

5. Five California mountain lions were seen together on home surveillance video this week. It’s the most disturbing grouping of large cats since:

6. A German Shepherd in North Carolina gave birth to a green puppy last week. “I know what you’re thinking,” said the family’s pet turtle. 

7. Chris Beart, the rapper who cut off his own penis before jumping off a two-story building in 2014, recently got married. Said the groomsman who disapproved of the marriage, “This is going to be the second worst decision you’ve ever made.”

8. A new study found no strong evidence linking baby powder to ovarian cancer. Great news for LeBron James’ ovaries:

9. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced last week that they will be “stepping back” from their role as royals, moving to America, and “will work to become financially independent.” That story again, Harry will be answering to a new King:

10. Last week, a Florida man pled guilty to a trafficking scheme in which live water monitor lizards were concealed inside electronic equipment and smuggled from the Philippines into the U.S. Which explains why my fax machine just ate my cat.

11. Police in Florida are seeking help locating a burglar who broke into a house and told the owners he was “there to suck toes.” That story again, Quentin Tarantino is apparently scouting filming locations in Florida.

12. Scientists recently conducted a study in which they put 3D glasses on cuttlefish and showed them film clips. The study found that if you put 3D glasses on cuttlefish for a long enough period you’ll lose your job as a scientist.

13. Last week, Georgia authorities say a man broke into a Taco Bell restaurant, prepared food, and took a nap inside. The man made a meal and took a nap or, as President Trump refers to it, a full workday.

14. According to a new study, older people who frequent art galleries and museums and attend the theater may live longer than those who don’t. “Strongly disagree?” said the ghost of Lincoln.

15. It was revealed this week that the New York Public Library’s most checked-out book of all time is the children’s book “The Snowy Day.” While the Library’s least checked-out book, “The Erotic Tales of Wilford Brimley.”

16. Monday night, the LSU Tigers beat the Clemson Tigers 42-25 to win the college football National Championship. It’s the first time a tiger beat itself since:

17. According to a new study, Mars is losing water quicker than expected. That story again, Mars is still more inhabitable than Flint, Michigan.

18. On Monday, the Cleveland Browns named Kevin Stefanski their new head coach because, I assume, he was the last one to say ‘Not it.’

19. A Florida woman was arrested this week for building a bomb in a Walmart from items she found in the store. So, just one item?:

20. Last week, a man asked a court to grant his motion for trial by combat so he can meet his ex-wife and her attorney “on the field of battle.” “Hey at least I asked the court ahead of time this time,” said O.J.

June 17, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, children who are exposed to tobacco smoke from their fathers while they’re in the womb may be more likely than those who are not to develop asthma by age 6. Begging the question, exactly where are those guys blowing that smoke?

2. The island of Samoa has banned “Rocketman”, the movie based on Elton John, over its depiction of homosexuality. Begging the question, do you know how gay a movie has to be to be too gay for an island of men who dress like this?:

3. Actor Cuba Gooding Jr. was charged on Thursday with groping a woman at a Manhattan bar last weekend. But, look on the plus-side Cuba, at least someone recognized you.

4. In a recent interview, openly gay Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg said he is open to raising a child. “You can have your pick,” said Trump: 

5. The World Health Organization said on Thursday, more than a million people every day worldwide catch a sexually transmitted infection, with rates of chlamydia, gonorrhea, trichomoniasis and syphilis. “What can I say, I had a busy 2018,” said Colin Farrell.

6. According to a new report, the marijuana industry could surpass the NFL in revenue by 2020. Crazy to think that something so harmful for you brain could earn that much money, also weed is pretty bad too. 

7. According to a new study, children who are exposed to smoke from wildfires may experience a greater health impact than those exposed to smoke from prescribed controlled burns. So I guess that makes this kid Jack Leland: 

8. First Lady Melania Trump wore an elegant white below-the-knee Dolce & Gabbana dress with navy blue collar and belt and a custom hat by Herve Pierre when she met Queen Elizabeth last week at Buckingham Palace. Meanwhile, President Trump wore a mustard-stained suit from JC Penny’s Big & Tall line.

9. According to a new study, eating McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets increases the one’s chance of early death. Said McNugget eaters, “Yeah, that’s kind of the point.”

10. The NBA has banned Golden State Warriors owner Mark Stevens for one season after he shoved a Toronto Raptors player during Game 3 of the NBA Finals. This stands in stark contrast to the New York Knicks’ owner who was caught doing the exact same thing and, as punishment, was forced to attend every single Knicks for the remainder of the season.

11. The symbolic tree that President Trump and his French counterpart, Emmanuel Macron, planted at the White House last year has died. Said Trump, “I don’t get it, I complete neglect my children and they’re still alive.”

12. A 30-year-old Spirit Airlines passenger on a flight from Detroit to New Orleans recently got himself banned for life after getting caught vaping in the airplane lavatory. Although, wouldn’t a real punishment be forcing him to continue to fly Spirit Airlines?

13. In a recent interview, O.J. Simpson said he is currently living in what he calls the “no negative zone.” And, in unrelated news, the negative zone was found stabbed 74 times.

14. Over the weekend, O.J. Simpson joined Twitter. On the plus-side, the phrase “O.J. Simpson is following you,” now has a less threatening explanation.

15. Over the weekend, O.J. Simpson joined Twitter. Weird, I would have thought he’d be more into Facebook with all the poking.

16. President Trump said in an interview broadcast on Friday that former White House counsel Don McGahn “may have been confused” during his testimony as part of Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation. Which if true, makes him even more qualified to be one of Trump’s attorneys:

April 8, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new report, volunteers cleaning up trash from a New Jersey beach picked up 565 condoms last year. That’s crazy, how can you figure out what’s trash and what’s just a part of New Jersey? 

2. The owners of Krispy Kreme recently admitted to a family history that includes ties to the Nazi party in Germany.“Well I’m definitely gonna eat there more often now,” said Steve Bannon every day for the pasty twenty years. 

3. On Tuesday Connecticut Huskies women’s basketball head coach Geno Auriemma said, “The majority of coaches in America are afraid of their players.” “No shit,” said Bill Belichick:

4. On Monday, Pope Francis repeatedly withdrew his right hand as a long line of people bowed and tried to kiss the ring on it. Said the Pope, “Lower.”

5. According to a new study, combining sex and drugs is common among all genders and sexual orientations, with people in Britain most likely to engage in the practice. That story again, the Queen gets turnt: 

6. Brooklyn Councilman Robert Cornegy, who measures 6-foot-10-inches, was named world’s tallest politician. A record that will stand until Donald Trump’s next physical.

7. A University of Hartford student has been charged with attempted murder after he stabbed two of his classmates while re-enacting a movie scene for a drama class. But, on the plus-side, it sounds like he’s a shoe-in for the part of Officer Nordburg in the university’s production of ‘The Naked Gun’:

8. A lawyer for former New York Knick and current Dallas Maverick Kristaps Porzingis said Monday that a woman accusing him of rape is lying in an attempt to extort the Latvian basketball star by running his name through the mud. Said Porzingis, “I’ll pay whatever it takes, I just don’t want this to get out, people can’t know I was once a Knick.”

9. A hotel in England has launched so-called “lemoga” class which allows guests to do yoga in a room filled with lemur monkeys. It’s perfect for anyone who doesn’t want to do hot yoga, but still wants the smell.

10. Justin Bieber has apologized for joking about his wife being pregnant on April Fools’ Day after drawing criticism from some who felt it was insensitive to those dealing with fertility issues. It was also insensitive to those people who are very scared of there being more Biebers in the world. 

11. A court in Michigan this week ruled that giving a police officer the middle finger is an act of free speech. Said one officer upon seeing a black guy flick him off, “HE’S GOT A GUN!”

12. The Kremlin said on Monday, Russia is ready to improve ties with the United States but it is up to Washington to make the first move. Luckily, ’making the first move’ is one of Trump’s specialities:

13. A South Carolina man was arrested after driving around a college campus not wearing pants. So heads up Oregon Duck:

14. In a recent op-ed, George Conway, husband of White House advisor Kellyanne Conway, says that, despite the findings of the Mueller Report, President Trump is unfit for the office. Other thing Trump is unfit for: marriage, fatherhood, an size extra-large shirts:

15. This week, comedian Volodymyr Zelensky took the lead in Ukraine’s presidential elections. “What’s it like to have a president who people laugh at on purpose?” said every Americans.

16. Former Speaker Paul Ryan said Tuesday that he doesn’t believe freshman Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez listened much to the advice he gave her about being a member of the House. So I guess she’ll have to figure out how to retire in disgrace by her mid-forties all on her own.

17. Congressional Democrats raised questions on Wednesday about security at President Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida after a Chinese woman carrying electronic devices bluffed her way through security checks last weekend. Said Trump, “Even worse, they let Eric in.”

18. White House economic adviser Larry Kudlow on Wednesday said the United States has plans to rapidly revitalize the Venezuelan economy, including financial and food planning as well as getting cash to people in the country. “Cool,” said the people of Puerto Rico.

19. On Friday, President Trump said he has the right to read the Mueller Report, but has not done so as of yet. He hasn’t gotten around to it yet because he’s already in the middle of another book:

20. According to a new poll, nearly half of all Americans still believe President Trump worked with Russia to interfere in the 2016 presidential election. That surprising statistic again, a majority of people believe Donald Trump actually worked.

July 27, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. The London gospel choir that performed at the wedding of Britain’s Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, has signed a record deal with Sony Music. Not to be outdone, the Queen has signed with Death Row Records:

2. Over the weekend, a rider was kicked out of the Tour de France for trying to punch another rider. That story again, Chris Brown learned how to ride a bike.

3. Over the weekend, Italian rider Gianni Moscon was kicked out of the Tour de France for “showing a lack of restraint” when he tried to punch another rider. Although, if you ask me, he showed unbelievable restraint by only punching one of these guys:

4. Facebook said on Monday it would double its presence in London, acquiring nearly 600,000 square feet of office space. Meanwhile, Tom from MySpace wants to know if he can crash on your couch a few a nights.

5. Gloria Estefan was honored by the Spanish government on Monday for her contribution to the arts. She was also honored for her tireless work making the public aware of the rhythm and its intention to get them.

6. On Sunday, hundreds of people gathered in a Switzerland’s Mount Tracouet for the world’s biggest wooden Swiss alpine horn festival, which happens once a year. Of course, the other 364 days of the year they all apparently gather in the apartment next to me.

7. Over the weekend, the tiny Belgian city of Marche-en-Famenne held Europe’s biggest “living statue” festival, where people posed as famous people like Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein. To see a living person stand that still outside of Marche-en-Famenne, you’d have to take my uncle out to dinner and wait for the bill to come.

8. This week a was arrested for working out nude at a Planet Fitness. Apparently, before his arrest, he was standing by the bench press doing a clean jerk.

9. Russian hackers gained access to the networks of U.S. electric utilities last year, which could have allowed them to cause blackouts, according to federal government officials. Or, in the case of Detroit, turn the lights back on.

10. Three former U.S. secretaries of state, Hillary Clinton, Colin Powell and Madeleine Albright, will make guest appearances in October on political television drama “Madam Secretary.” While current Secretary of State Mike Pompeo will appear on the least convincing episode of “Undercover Boss” ever:

11. Actor Johnny Depp gave Harry Potter fans a look at his coming portrayal of the villain Grindelwald, delivering a monologue in character at San Diego Comic-Con on Saturday. You could tell Depp was in character because he was only wearing eleven scarves.

12. On Monday, the U.S. anti-doping agency announced that six-time Olympic gold medalist swimmer Ryan Lochte has been suspended for 14 months for receiving an intravenous infusion of a permitted substance without a therapeutic use exemption. Said Lochte, “Can you please use smaller words?”:

13. After the President of Iran issued a warning to President Trump, Trump sent an all caps tweet saying “YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE.” Which, coincidentally, were also the vows he said to Melania.

14. Republicans on Friday voted to hold their 2020 presidential nominating convention in Charlotte. And, if they nominate Trump, it’ll be the worst thing to happen inside Charlotte since she marred Trey in season 2:

15. Uber and Lyft have suspended a driver following a report that he recorded passengers without their consent. But, on the plus-side, it’s good to hear the Michael Cohen is working again:

16. In a new study, an international team of scientists identified more than thousand variations in human genes that influence how long people stay in school. Apparently there is a gene for how rich your dad is.

17. According to reports, the soccer ball Russian President Vladimir Putin gifted to President Trump contained a chip capable of transmitting data. Putin was not concerned inserting such a fragile piece of technical equipment into athletic equipment, because he was certain that by giving it to Trump it would never get any use.

18. A Georgia state lawmaker who yelled racial slurs and dropped his pants on Sasha Baron Cohen’s new Showtime show after being told it would intimidate terrorists offered his resignation letter on Tuesday. Well, if Trump dropping his pants is what it takes to finally get him to resign, it’s definitely not worth it:

19. The Ferrari from the movie “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” will be up for action next month. And, a word of advice to that auctioneer, don’t take any bids over the phone from Abe Froman the Sausage King of Chicago.

20. President Trump accused Twitter on Thursday of restricting the visibility of prominent conservatives and promised to investigate the matter. Said Trump, “I haven’t seen a tweet from Ronald Reagan pop up on my timeline in a long time.”

July 20, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. While on his first presidential trip to England, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders tweeted a picture of the President sitting in Winston Churchill’s chair. Thus keeping Trump’s streak alive of ruining furniture while abroad:

2. A plastic surgeon known as “Dr. Bumbum” or “Dr. Butt” on social media because of his buttock-enhancement operations was arrested on Thursday in Rio de Janeiro. Word of advice, while you’re in jail, maybe go by “Steve.”

3. According to a new study, when wives earn more than their husbands, neither partner likes to admit it. “Bitch, I love it!” said Stedman, sitting in a bathtub full of money:

4. When Queen Elizabeth met with the President last week, she was reportedly wearing a brooch given to her by President Trump. Even worse, she was also wearing a pair of underwear given to her by President Clinton.

5. The makers of Crocs announced a high-heel version of their shoe. That hard-to-believe story again, people willingly identified themselves as the makers of Crocs.

6. Ahead of this week’s Summit with Russia President Vladimir Putin, President Trump said he didn’t think there would be “a Perry Mason moment.” But, there’s a good chance they’ll be a Mr. Belvedere moment:

7. While undergoing treatment for brain cancer, Senator John McCain on Monday called President Trump’s meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin in Helsinki “a tragic mistake” and a new low point for the United States. That story again, a man with an obvious brain injury was insulted by John McCain.

8. According to a new study, animal, like humans, are reluctant to give up on pursuits they’ve invested in. The study was conducted by one Wiley E. Coyote:

9. An 800-year-old tradition of counting the swans owned by Britain’s Queen Elizabeth started on Monday. Which should be easier than counting the number of Trump’s bird:

10. On Monday, Russian President Vladimir Putin and President Trump had a one-on-one meeting that last over two hours. Which, if my math is correct, means Trump was able to tell Putin the story of his electoral college victory thirty-four times in a row.

11. Less than a month after “Saturday Night Live China,’ debuted in Beijing, episodes can no longer be seen on the platform that was hosting it. Even worse, SNL episodes featuring Rob Schneider can still be seen in the U.S.

12. A day after saying, “I don’t see any reason why it would be Russia”, in response to a question about election meddling, President Trump clarified his statement saying, “I said the word ‘would’ instead of ‘wouldn’t’.” He went on to say, “I also misspoke when I said the word ‘reason’ instead of ‘treason’.”

13. Starting next month, people will be able to legally print 3-D guns at home. That means you will be able to log onto your computer, download a file, wirelessly connect to your printer and print a 3-D working gun, you know, just like the founding fathers intended.

14. According to a new study, the snorting sounds coming from a horse may signal contentment or pleasure. While snorting sounds coming from a human means Tim Allen is near by.

15. A New Orleans zoo remained closed on Saturday after a jaguar escaped its habitat and killed six other animals. The jaguar killed so many animals it was named an honorary Trump son:

16. On Thursday, White House press secretary Sarah Sanders said “President Trump asked national security adviser John Bolton to invite President Putin to Washington in the fall.” And say what you will, but convincing him to come back to your place after just one date is pretty impressive.

17. John Schnatter, the recently disgraced founder of Papa Johns, said he regrets stepping down. “Now you know how we feel,” said every person after taking a bite of Papa Johns pizza.

18. Jeff Bezos’ rocket company plans to charge passengers $300,000 for its first trips into space next year. And despite the price tag, if you’re checking a bag, it’s still an extra $10.

April 27, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Queen Elizabeth attended a concert featuring Sting and Kylie Minogue to celebrate her 92nd birthday. And, I think she liked it:

2. According to ‘The Wall Street Journal,’ President Trump will not be willing to offer North Korea sanctions relief before Pyongyang has dismantled its nuclear programs. Said Kim Jong Un, “What about now?”:

3. NBA star Steph Curry has signed a multi-year film and television deal with Sony Pictures Entertainment. Not to be outdone, New York Knick starting center Ends Kanter just signed a deal with Netflix to get two DVDs a month for $5.99.

4. To celebrate Earth Day on Monday, President Trump planted a tree at the White House. And also in celebration Earth Day, EPA director Scott Pruitt immediately cut it down.

5. This week, White House physician Ronny Jackson was accused of drinking on the job. Even crazier, Trump has been dead sober this whole time:

6. A candidate for an Iraqi Parliament seat has dropped her run for office amid a swirl of attention over what she asserts is a “fabricated” sex tape that went viral across Iraq. Even crazier, Billy Bush is in it.

7. President Trump said Saturday that he is considering granting a posthumous pardon to boxer Jack Johnson on the advice of actor Sylvester Stallone. The craziest part of the story is that it contains two boxers, and yet Trump is still the one with the most brain damage?

8. On Wednesday, in response to recent allegations, former-nominee to lead the Veterans Affairs department, Dr. Ronny Jackson said he had not wrecked a car. But, to be fair, Billy Joel also hasn’t wrecked a car.

9. On Tuesday, President Trump called North Korean leader Kim Jong Un “an honorable man.” Because when you surround yourself with the likes of Steve Bannon and Stephen Miller, a tiny, power-hungry dictator who executes family members seems “honorable.”

10. A soldier wounded by an improvised explosive device in Afghanistan has received the world’s first complete penis and scrotum transplant and he is doing fine. Although, just to be safe maybe don’t use the term ‘blow job’ around him.

11. A soldier wounded by an improvised explosive device in Afghanistan has received the world’s first complete penis and scrotum transplant. “Oh, so that’s where those went,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

12. On Thursday, President Trump’s nominee to head the Department of Veteran Affairs, Dr. Ronnie Jackson, withdrew his nomination. So, say hello to your next Secretary of Veteran Affairs:

13. An Australian company has introduced a line of Avengers-themed sex toys. The toys are designed to be used alone or … oh, who are we kidding, they’re going to be used alone.

14. On Wednesday, Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen, said, “based upon the advice of counsel, I will assert my Fifth Amendment rights” regarding his involvement in a hush money paid to porn star Stormy Daniels. Smart advice by counsel, which can only mean one thing, Cohen is not representing himself.

15. WhatsApp, the popular messaging service, is raising its minimum age from 13 to 16. “Sounds like I just lost another endorsement deal,” said Jared Fogel.

16. A first edition of John James Audubon’s “The Birds of America” is going up for auction in New York and could fetch up to $12 million. Which my seem like a high price tag, but you have to remember it combines all the excitement of bird-watching with books!

17. This week, former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer made an appearance at New York City’s Madame Tussauds to unveil a new wax likeness of Melania Trump. And when he didn’t want to answer questions, he managed to hide behind some bushes:

18. On Thursday, President Trump admitted on Fox News that he’s been too busy to get a birthday gift for his wife, first lady Melania Trump. Yeah, ‘busy’ is definitely the right word:

19. President Donald Trump on Thursday said he is considering five locations for his meeting with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. I would have guessed he would be open to more than five locations:

20. A man in Paris is the first person in the world to successfully receive two face transplants. “First? Really?” said Nic Cage as John Travolta:

January 5, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. A group of Egyptian soccer players have formed a team for one-legged players. That story again, a group of Egyptians invented foosball:

2. According to a soon-to-be released book, President Trump strips the linens off his own bed in the White House. Or, as it is known when he’s in Russia, destroying the evidence.

3. In response to Steve Bannon’s recent critical comments, President Trump said, “When [Bannon] was fired, he not only lost his job, he lost his mind.” And, according to Anthony Scaramucci, he also lost a few ribs:

4. According to excerpts from an upcoming tell-all book, First Lady Melania Trump didn’t want Donald to win the presidency, and cried on election night. But, to be fair, Melania cries most nights.

5. On Tuesday, Utah Senator Orinn Hatch announced that he is retiring after serving over four decades in Congress. Hopefully they’ll be able to find another old white guy somewhere in Utah to replace him.

6. Vin Diesel was the highest grossing actor of 2017. While Kevin Spacey was the gross-est.

7. According to Google, ‘Hurricane Irma’ and ‘Matt Lauer’ were among the top searched terms of 2017. Apparently people were interested in finding out more about a devastating event that ruined many peoples lives and Hurricane Irma.

8. On Monday, 400 fans braved 2-degree temperatures to greet the Bills at Buffalo Niagara International Airport after Buffalo beat Miami Sunday to clinch its first playoff berth in 17 years. Because nothing says celebration like leaving Miami for Buffalo in the middle of December.

9. Tuesday morning, NBC announced that longtime correspondent Hoda Kotb will permanently replace Matt Lauer as co-anchor of the ‘Today Show.’ Said Lauer, “Two women … NICE!”

10. Tuesday morning, NBC announced that longtime correspondent Hoda Kotb will permanently replace Matt Lauer as co-anchor of the ‘Today Show.’ Which means Hoda will leave her current role as co-host of the ‘Today Show’s’ fourth hour and co-host Kathie Lee will question if Hoda ever existed or was just a Chardonnay-fueled hallucination.

11. President Trump rang in the new year the same way he has for more than a decade, holding an opulent gala at his Mar-a-Lago club. While Melania also rang in the new year in her typical fashion, by being as far away from Donald as possible when the clock struck midnight

12. President Trump said on Monday the United States has “foolishly” handed Pakistan more than $33 billion in aid over the last 15 years while getting nothing in return. Which explains Trump’s new nickname for Pakistan, “Don Jr.”

13. After five and half years, Guy Fieri’s American Kitchen & Bar restaurant in Times Square is closing its doors. “Thank God, it was really bringing property values in the area down,” said a guy in an Elmo costume masturbating in an alley.

14. According to new research, people who drink hot tea daily may be less likely to develop glaucoma symptoms. Which means the Queen smokes the ganj because she’s chill as fuck:

15. Boxer Mike Tyson is opening a marijuana resort on 40-acres of land in the remote Mojave Desert. A boxer with a notorious quick temper and an unlimited supply of mood altering drugs all taking place on a piece of land very far away from civilization, what could go wrong?

December 1, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Parents are outraged at a Beijing kindergarten over charges that their children were fed pills, jabbed with needles and forced to strip. But, in the school’s defense, those iPhones weren’t gonna make themselves.

2. An expectant Arkansas couple who love Olive Garden plan to name their child, due in December, Olivia Garton. They named their first son Fuddruckers, not because they like that restaurant, but because they fucking hate that kid.

3. A United Airlines flight arriving from Germany was forced to land with four blown tires Sunday at Newark Liberty International Airport. Oh my god, what a nightmare, can you imagine having to land in New Jersey.

4. Dictionary.com has chosen ‘complicit’ as 2017’s word of the year. The website went with ‘complicit’ because apparently ‘MotherFuckingShitHowIsAnyOfThisReal’ isn’t a word.

5. This week, First Lady Melania Trump decorated the White House for the holidays:

6. A Bosnian war criminal died in a courtroom on Wednesday after drinking poison upon hearing that his 20-year jail term had been upheld. Said the judge, “Oops, wait, I meant not guilty.”

7. 92-year-old actress Angela Lansbury is facing criticism after saying women “must sometimes take blame” for sexual harassment because of the way they dress. Say what you will, but it is refreshing to hear a 92-year-old not blame something on ‘the Orientals.’

8. Bernie Sanders has been nominated for a Grammy for best audiobook. Thus marking the first time Phil Spector won’t have the most messed up hair in the room:

9. On Wednesday, NBC News fired longtime ‘Today Show’ host Matt Lauer for “inappropriate sexual behavior.” Which should make the next “Where in the World is Matt Lauer” bit pretty easy:

10. According to a new study, people with OCD are less likely to go to college compared with peers who don’t have the disorder. Which explains why Michigan State’s new major “Doorknob Touching” is so under-subscribed.

11. Viagra can now be bought over-the-counter, without a prescription in Britain. “Ah, fuck,” said Queen Elizabeth:

12. White House press secretary Sarah Sanders defended President Trump’s decision to retweet a series of anti-Muslim videos on Wednesday morning, telling reporters that it doesn’t matter if the videos are real, he circulated them to start a conversation. That conversation: What the fuck is wrong with our president?

13. According to a new study, being married may reduce your risk of developing dementia. That incredible study again, President Trump could be worse.

14. A new study found that a dermatologist was just as accurate in diagnosing children’s skin conditions from smartphone photos taken by parents as the doctors who saw the kids in person. “But only pictures taken by parents?” asked Anthony Weiner.

15. A judge on Tuesday sided with President Trump in a legal battle over who should be in charge of the U.S. consumer finance watchdog. The ruling was historic, not because the issue was novel, but because Trump actually won in court.

16. Stanford running-back and Heisman contender Bryce Love says he wants to be a pediatrician. “That’s two things we have in common,” said college football coach Jerry Sandusky.

17. On Thursday, Republican Congressman Joe Barton of Texas said he will not seek re-election after a nude picture of him appeared on the internet earlier this month. If that’s what it takes to get someone to not run for re-election, it’s not worth it:

18. A South African beauty who helps train women in self-defense was crowned Miss Universe on Sunday. For the talent portion of the contest, she single-handedly kept Donald Trump out of the dressing room.