March 30, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. When asked why he was referring to the coronavirus as the Chinese virus last week, President Trump said, “I have to call out where it came from.” And, in his defense, he has a track record of naming awful things that were unleashed on the word after where they came from:

2. Last Thursday, O.J. Simpson tweeted that he’d go ‘crazy’ if all golf courses were closed due to the coronavirus. And just when you thought news couldn’t get any worse for laid-off waiters in Brentwood.

3. An Oregon police department is asking residents to stop calling 911 because they’ve run out of toilet paper. But if you do call 911 because you’ve run out of toilet paper, please disinfect your phone.

4. Last week, actor Idris Elba announced that he tested positive for the coronavirus. But, on the plus-side, catching the virus is still only the second worst thing that’s happened to Idris this year:

5. New York City mayor Bill de Blasio said Wednesday the city will remove basketball hoops at parks where pick-up games continued despite social-distancing guidelines as a result of the coronavirus pandemic. “Wait, we were supposed to be shooting at the hoop this whole time?” asked the Knicks.

6. In a recent interview, actress Courteney Cox says she doesn’t even remember being on ‘Friends.’ Meanwhile, Matt Le Blanc still wakes up in cold sweats because he remembers ‘Joey.’ 

7. Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus while in prison. Harvey said the nasal swab was the nicest thing he’s had shoved into him all week.

8.  Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus while in prison. So now he’s got to break the news to everyone he’s come in contact with:

9. Last week, six-time Super Bowl champion quarterback Tom Brady announced that he is signing with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Said Brady, “I’m tired of winning.”

10. Simba, a dog from Florida that was missing for more than two months, was found last week 1,400 miles away in Michigan. Which is, at best, a lateral move.

11. Last week, in an effort to halt the spread of the coronavirus, Germany banned gatherings of more than two people. Which, depending on how you look at it, is either a two months or seventy years too late:

12. According to a new study, taking a bath may be good for your heart. So I guess my 401k’s heart is really healthy right now

13. Pope Francis has donated 30 respirators to hospitals in areas hardest hit by the coronavirus pandemic. Because even the fucking Pope knows sending ‘thoughts and prayers’ does nothing.

14. An opera singer in Paris is giving daily concerts from his balcony window to lift his neighbors’ spirits during the nationwide lockdown enforced to contain the spread of the coronavirus. Said his neighbors, “I now you can lose you sight and smell from corona, but we’re also hoping it takes our sense of sound too.”

15. A Belgian robotics firm is lending a fleet of robots to old-age homes to help tend to residents after the government banned visitors to prevent the spread of coronavirus. It’s the perfect way to ensure that the elderly do not die from the coronavirus, but instead heart attacks.

16. CVS mistakenly sent false information to its staff about how to combat the coronavirus late last week. Even worse, here’s how they sent that information:

17. Last week, Hashem Abedi, the brother of Manchester bomber, was found guilty of 22 counts of the murders. Said Abedi’s mother, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?!!?!”

18. Last week a woman gave birth the in toilet paper aisle of a Missouri Walmart. Luckily the aisle was completely sterile:

19. Joe Biden’s presidential campaign installed a television studio in his basement over the weekend. Oddly, it was the Teletubbies studio set:

20. Coronavirus has had a dramatic effect on the sex industry as many porn actors are avoiding contact with other performers and, as a result, suffering financially. So if you’ve ever fantasized about your favorite porn star ‘checking you out’ at the supermarket, there’s a real chance now:

December 15, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, last week Pope Francis reportedly told a little boy who was grieving over the death of his dog, not to worry because pets too can go to heaven. So congratulations, you’re halfway there, gay dogs.

2. Last night, Los Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant passed Michael Jordan to become third on the NBA’s list of all-time leading scorers. It marked the first time Kobe passed anything.

3. On Saturday night, Oregon’s Marcus Mariota won the 78th annual Heisman Trophy award. Congratulations Marcus, that’s something they can never take away from you, unless you murder your wife and her lover in a mansion in Brentwood.

4. Two of the three inmates who escaped from an Alabama jail over the weekend are now back in custody, but the third, a murder suspect, remains on the lam. Officials do not have high hopes of capturing the third escapee as an alleged murderer will blend in quite nicely with the general population of Alabama.

5. On Sunday in London, Miss South Africa Relene Strauss was crowned Miss World over runner-ups Miss Hungary Edina Kuksar and Elizabeth Safrit from the United States. Although there was an awkward moment when they announced Miss Hungary as the first runner-up and the representatives from all the African countries stepped forward.

6. On Sunday, BC Partners Ltd bought pet supply retailer PetSmart for $8.7 billion. To prevent any unauthorized future spin-offs, BC Partners immediately got PetSmart neutered.

7. Several proposed new gun laws await the new, Republican-dominated Texas legislature when it opens next month, including one to allow open carrying of handguns in public and another providing a sales tax holiday for firearm purchases. Said Texans, “Next month? But I want to be irresponsible with my gun now!”

8. Over the weekend, an early version of the next James Bond movie “SPECTRE” was made public by the people who hacked into Sony Picture. Which is a shame, because the only other way to learn the basic plot of that movie would be to watch literally any other Bond film ever made.

9. A Mississippi pastor brought a horse in a wedding dress to stand with him outside a federal courthouse on Friday in Jackson to protest a judge’s ruling that would overturn the state’s ban on gay marriage. Although, I just feel bad for the guy who is married to a woman whose wedding dress apparently also fits a horse.

10. A Mississippi pastor brought a horse in a wedding dress to stand with him outside a federal courthouse on Friday in Jackson to protest a judge’s ruling that would overturn the state’s ban on gay marriage. “Brings back fond memories of my wedding day,” said Matthew Broderick.

June 5, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Rapper Dr. Dre has reportedly bought Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen’s Brentwood mansion for $40 million. Oh Brentwood, always up to no good.

2. According to a recent report by the Navy, members of the prestigious flying team the Blue Angels openly passed around pornography and flew with it in their cockpits during airshows. Which explains why so many of them were usually in a “holding pattern.”

3. An attorney for New York City has asked the state’s top court to revive a ban on large sugary drinks, saying the city’s health department has the power to ban any products that pose a health risk. The request comes from newly hired city attorney Schmichael Scmbloomberg.

4. According to a new study, programs focused on both diet and exercise may help people who have lost weight keep the pounds off. Hey, give’em a break, it’s summer for scientists too.

5. An Oregon gray wolf that became famous for trekking into California and back has become a father of at least two pups. It was literally the “wildest” episode of “Maury” ever.

6. Under a bill introduced on Wednesday to replace legislation struck down by the Canadian Supreme Court in December, it will be illegal to buy sex from prostitutes. Said Toronto mayor Rob Ford, “I leave for one month to go to rehab and everything falls apart.”

7. Yesterday, the remains of the world’s oldest pair of pants were found in China. “Those were the last pair of pants I lost before I started wearing suspenders,” said Larry King.

8. A British man had to use a pair of bolt-cutters to remove a ring that had gotten stuck on his penis. Turns out his buddy is really good at playing horseshoes.

9. A British man had to use a pair of bolt-cutters to remove a ring that had gotten stuck on his penis. Said the man, “That’s the last time I take Beyonce’s advice on anything.”

10. California voters can expect to receive free marijuana from some pot clubs in San Jose for casting ballots in the state primary elections today. So good luck getting accurate numbers on those exit polls.