August 8, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 08/08/2017 by prejectedjokes

1. The CW’s upcoming superhero TV show “Legends of Tomorrow” will reportedly feature a Muslim superhero. And, just like Superman, she will be able to fly, but only after undergoing extra screening from the TSA.

2. According to a new report, the aviation industry could save $35 billion a year by moving to pilotless planes. Or, more likely, they’ll just start charging you an extra fee for having a pilot.

3. North Korea’s Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un on Monday vowed to continue building his country’s nuclear arsenal and threatened to unleash “thousands-fold” revenge against the U.S. Coincidentally, “thousands-fold” is also Jong Un’s body-type:

4. Despite polling to the contrary, Monday morning the president tweeted that “the Trump base is far bigger and stronger than ever before.” And, looking at the evidence, it’s hard to disagree:

5. Actor Robert Pattinson is being praised by PETA for refusing to masturbate a dog for a recent movie role. Which, I guess explains, why Pattinson never got the role of Shaggy:

6. On Monday, a Twitter account that praised the president and was retweeted by Trump himself, was deleted after it was revealed to be a fake person. In response, Trump retweeted Eric hoping to get the same result.

7. According to a new study, women who have bigger butts are less susceptible to heart attacks, strokes and diabetes. So, I guess before he was knighted, he was Dr. Mix-a-Lot.

8. Fired U.S. Attorney for Manhattan, Preet Bharara, announced on Monday that he is starting a podcast. So, it turns out, no matter how powerful you are, everyone handles unemployment the exact same way.

9. A sex toy company has set up a pop-up a location in downtown Manhattan that allows women to try out $150 vibrators. Thus allowing men in the area to set up ‘pop-ups’ of their own.

10. According to a report, the immigrant great-grandmother of White House aide Stephen Miller, who is a vocal proponent instituting a language requirement on all U.S. immigrants, came to this country not speaking English. Although, I’m certain, if she were alive today, she’d definitely know the word ‘douchebag’:

March 13, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 03/13/2017 by prejectedjokes

1. Late Friday night, the Secret Service arrested an intruder who breached the White House fence and came within several hundred yards of the President. The man was unable to get face-to-face with President Trump, which can only mean one thing, he’s not Russian.

2. According to a new study, Alaska is the state with the highest incidents of sexually transmitted diseases. Alaska is already hard at work making sure they don’t top the list next year by nominating Lindsay Lohan for statehood.

3. Over the weekend, President Trump invited House Republicans skeptical of the Obamacare replacement plan to the White House for a bowling party. Paul Ryan was happy to hear the White House would supply the balls since he apparently lost his a few months ago.

4. A Colorado woman was arrested and charged with trespassing after apparently stalking Tim Tebow at the New York Mets’ spring training facility in Florida. Not much is known about the woman except she’s definitely not an NFL scout.

5. According to reports, Arnold Schwarzenegger may be eyeing a Senate bid in 2018. And, I have to admit, ‘Senate bid’ is an odd name for a maid.

6. Attendees at the Vietnamese premier of ‘Kong: Skull Island’ were sent running in a panic when a 16-foot statue of King Kong burst into flames over the weekend. Although it still went better than the premiere of ‘Batman v. Superman,’ where the people in attendance had to watch the movie.

7. Rumors are swirling that actress Pamela Anderson and Wikileaks founder Julian Assange are dating. He’s dating Pamela Anderson and trying to reignite the Col War? Man, this guy really misses the 80s.

8. A 74-year-old man was arrested after police say he destroyed several Kim Kardashian books at a Barnes & Noble in Connecticut. Which is unfair, because ‘destroyed’ implies that beforehand those books weren’t already a mess.

9. Jimmy Fallon is reportedly under pressure to take ‘The Tonight Show’ in a “more political” direction in an effort to regain the late-night ratings crown from Stephen Colbert. So get ready for Pictionary with Robert Mugabe.

10. On Sunday, Tom Price, the head of Health and Human Services and a leading advocate for the new healthcare bill, said no one will be worse off financially under the Republican’s plan. Because technically, dead people are no longer have debts.

March 10, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 03/10/2017 by prejectedjokes

1. A group of engineers have determined that it would cost $852,000,000,000,000,000 to build the Death Star from ‘Star Wars’ in the real world. Although, Trump is pretty sure he can negotiate it down allowing his administration to build it for much less.

2. To fund his promised border wall, President Trump is considering budget cuts to the TSA and Coast Guard. And, in order to keep another of his campaign promises, he is officially changing the name of the TSA and the Coast Guard to Mexico.

3. A book entitled “Reasons to Vote for Democrats” which consists of just 266 blank pages is a number one bestseller on Amazon. Not surprising, since it combines two things that Trump supporters love, trolling liberals and not reading.

4. Famed astrophysicist Stephen Hawking’s newest prediction is that aggression will cause the end of the human race. That or stairs.

5. This week, an anonymous NFL executive said free agent quarterback Colin Kaepernick is “an embarrassment to football.” So I guess the Cleveland Browns will just have to come up with a new slogan.

6. On Wednesday, China gave the Trump organization trademark approval to open Trump branded massage parlors and escort services. Well, at least one Trump branded product will result in a happy ending:

7. According to a new study, 1 in 4 high schoolers model their future career off of something they saw on TV or in the movies. Which explains why, in the 90s, there was a dramatic increase in pet detectives.

8. A California high school, that was an early investor in Snapchat, has turned a $15,000 investment into a $24 million payout. When asked to figure out how much the school made on its investment, students said, “Fuck math, we’re rich!”

9. The performer contract for the upcoming SXSW music festival in Austin, Texas appears to contain a clause allowing the festival to deport unruly international artists. Begging the question, how can we convince Canadian-born Justin Bieber to perform at SXSW?

10. According to reports, the Trump administration is considering a new proposal that would separate women and children who illegally cross the U.S. border together. It’s like Trump stopped watching every Superman movie halfway through and said, “You know, that Lex Luther has some good ideas.”

11. According to reports, the Trump administration is considering a new proposal that would separate parents and children who illegally cross the U.S. border together. And, in unrelated news, Trump has invited Tiffany on a daddy-daughter trip to Mexico.

12. A company is selling a ‘smart condom,’ which is being advertised as a FitBit for you penis that measures performance during sex. So now your wife and you smartphone can be disappointed in you.

13. Last week, the American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists advised doctors to wait at least 30 to 60 seconds after birth before clamping and cutting the umbilical cord. Because the hospital does have a strict “You break it, you buy it” policy.

14. Tesla CEO Elon Musk is holding an open competition for fans to come up with a car commercial for the company after fifth-grader Bria Loveday told him to do so in a letter. Said little Bria, “Damn, if I knew he would listen to me I would have asked for a car.”

15. In a new interview, former NFL quarterback Tim Tebow said he wants to adopt a kid from every continent. “Wow, nine kids is a lot,” said Gronk.

16. A California man, angry about his divorce, set his house on fire. Said his ex-wife, “Half of those ashes are mine!”

17. According to new research, oral sex is good for women’s health, finding that seminal fluid contains chemicals that elevate mood, increase affection, induce sleep and contain at least three anti-depressants. “Still no,” said the researchers’ wives.

18. An man in Austin, Texas was arrested over the weekend for indecent exposure after having sex with a fence. Said the man, “I miss understood when you told me to paint that fence white.”

November 30, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 11/30/2016 by prejectedjokes

1. Despite settled Supreme Court precedent, President-elect Donald Trump proposed on Tuesday a penalty, including possible jail time or loss of citizenship, for burning the American flag. Which is ludicrous because some flags need to be burned:

2. Emma Morano, thought to be the world’s oldest person and the last to be born in the 1800s, celebrated her 117th birthday on Tuesday. She celebrated by blinking.

3. On Tuesday, an 8-month-old baby was found unscathed in the middle of a highway in Arkansas, after being ejected from a car during a crash. Authorities called the baby a miracle while Casey Anthony called the baby a challenge.

4. Yesterday, a woman opened the emergency exit door and jumped out of a plane as it was taxiing down a runway in Houston. Said a representative for Delta, “In the future we won’t announce that ‘Batman v. Superman’ is our inflight movie until we’re actually in the air.”

5. An Ohio woman arrested in a prostitution sting told an undercover cop that her price for oral sex was $50 and a plate of nachos. Of course, it costs extra if you want to touch her taco.

6. One of Michelle Obama’s go-to fashion designers has announced she will refuse to dress incoming First Lady Melania Trump. Said Melania, “Any word from her speech writers?”

7. The provocative author who wrote a book alleging corruption between the Clintons and their philanthropy now says he sees similar conflicts of interest between Donald Trump and his business now that he’s President-elect. “Oh, now you do!” screamed Hillary Clinton into her rage pillow.

8. Last week, Juergen Klinsmann was fired as head coach of the U.S. men’s national soccer team. Although, it seems like they could have done it in a more sympathic way:

9. Last week, President-elect Donald Trump told ‘The New York Times’ that he “really likes” President Obama. Trump went on to say he finds Rosie O’Donnell “quite attractive.”

10. Sutter Home Winery sued Shmaltz Brewing Company on Monday, accusing the brewery of infringing its “Menage a Trois” trademark by selling a 12-pack of its beers with the “MANNAge a Trois” name. Oh come on, why don’t you two just kiss and make-up. Yeah, that’s nice, now smell her hair a little bit…

October 20, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 10/20/2016 by prejectedjokes

1. Last night Donald Trump refused to give his word that he will accept the results of the upcoming presidential election. “Yeah, he’s not great at taking ‘no’ for an answer,” said eight separate women and a ‘People’ magazine reporter.

2. During last night’s presidential debate, Donald Trump said he was pro-life and against “ripping babies from the womb.” Well, there goes at least one excuse Trump could have given as to why he’s been grabbing women by the genitals.

3. During last night’s presidential debate, Hillary Clinton called Donald Trump a puppet of the Russian government. I don’t know if that’s true, but if it is, I’d guess he’s this puppet:

4. According to reports, Donald Trump and campaign advisor Roger Ailes are no longer on speaking terms, but the reason why remains unclear. Although, if I had to guess, I would say they couldn’t agree on who gets first dibs on groping female staffers.

5. Yesterday, a jury in Los Angeles found New York Knicks point guard Derrick Rose not guilty on accusations of rape. Proving right all those sports experts who said, coming out of college, Rose would be the next Kobe.

6. For the first time in decades, kids’ superhero costumes are outselling kids’ princess costumes for Halloween. “Superman, Batman, Spiderman. I can’t wait to collect them all,” said Jerry Sandusky.

7. According to a growing body of evidence, exercise could improve erectile dysfunction. And, if that’s the case, please wipe off your machine.

8. During Wednesday night’s presidential debate, Donald Trump proclaimed that Vladimir Putin is not his best friend. “Really, then who has the other half of this?” asked a heartbroken Putin:

9. According to a recently released WikiLeak email, Hillary Clinton included Starbucks CEO Howard Shultz on a short-list of potential vice president nominees. But who needs that boost of caffeine when you have the naturally high-energy dynamo that is Tim Kaine.

10. According to a recently released WikiLeak email, Hillary Clinton included Apple CEO Tim Cook and Microsoft founder Bill Gates on a short-list of potential vice president nominees. I guess she settled on the position of VP for the tech giants because the role of email deleter was already filled.

September 29, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 09/29/2016 by prejectedjokes

1. On Tuesday, the price of gold went down and the value of the Mexican peso went up. And you thought Donald Trump had a rough Monday.

2. There’s a new brand of coffee that promises to give men erections. Thus, giving knew meaning to the phrase, “If I drink that, I’ll be up all night.”

3. Three former officials of Kenya’s disbanded Olympic committee were charged on Wednesday with theft and fraud offences relating to this year’s Games in Rio de Janeiro. The court should probably set bail pretty high because I can’t think of anyone more of a flight risk than a bunch of Kenyans.

4. Last weekend, thousands attended Libya’s first ever Comic-Con. Convention goers dressed up as their favorite comic book characters including Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman:

5. At a campaign rally on Tuesday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump characterized his opponent Hillary Clinton as “stuck in the past.” He realizes his campaign slogan has the word ‘again’ in it, right?

6. On Wednesday, Forbes pegged Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s fortune at $3.7 billion, not the $10 billion that Trump claimed. But, in Trump’s defense, it looks a lot bigger in his hands.

7. According to reports, actor Alec Baldwin will portray Donald Trump this season on “Saturday Night Live.” But if that’s true, who will play the role of future President Jim Webb?:

8. In a recent interview, Miley Cyrus claimed that she was the least paid actor on the “Hannah Montana” TV series. Wait, people got paid for that? I just assumed everyone involved lost a bet or something.

9. A 21-year-old Australian man has been bitten by a venomous spider on the penis for a second time. Because, as everyone knows, once you go black widow you don’t go back, kiddo.

10. In a recent interview, actress Courtney Cox said her friend Jennifer Aniston was not involved in any part of the recent split between Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Because as any sports fan will tell you, celebrating when you team wins doesn’t mean you were involved in the win.

September 9, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 09/09/2016 by prejectedjokes

1. On Monday, Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen tweeted out a picture of a cloud that resembled the Republican presidential nominee claiming that it was a sign from God. And, I gotta admit, that’s pretty incredible, that, after years of working closely with Trump, Cohen still believes there’s a God.

2. On Wednesday, Apple announced that Pokemon Go players have traveled a combined distance of 4.6 billion kilometers and then revealed that the game will soon be playable on the Apple watch. And, considering the love life of most Pokemon Go users, putting the distance counter on their wrists will dramatically increase that total.

3. Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump on Thursday said he was against the Iraq War all along despite telling radio host Howard Stern in 2002 that he favored it. So, now, even Donald Trump is calling Donald Trump a liar.

4. Actor Mel Gibson called the ‘Batman v. Superman’ movie “a piece of shit.” Suggesting a simple, quick fix to could have made it much better:

5. North Korea has forbidden people from making sarcastic comments about Kim Jong Un or his totalitarian regime in their everyday conversations. That reminds me of that old adage, if you don’t have something nice to say, we’ll execute you.

6. On Thursday, while talking about the war in Syria, Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson made a political gaffe when he asked, “What’s Aleppo?” Said Donald Trump, “You idiot, it’s dog food.”

7. Yesterday, Playboy won a legal fight to stop a website from posting links to images published without their permission. So, now frequenters of that website will just have to find another way to see naked ladies on the internet.

8. The boyfriend of a 698 pound woman says he uses a funnel to feed to her in an effort to help her gain weight. Because, you know, it’s past Labor Day and bikini season’s over.

9. On Thursday, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton accused opponent Donald Trump of not taking the election seriously, saying, “It is a game to him, everything is a game.” Said Trump, “That’s simply not true, unless, of course you’re talking about my extremely successful Trump: The Game boardgame:

10. A 60-year-old school janitor in the U.K. is engaged to a 18-year-old student. The student said it was a relief when she turned 18 and could finally come out of the janitor’s closet.

11. Parents in Indianapolis are upset that a Hustler store is opening up next to a Chuck E. Cheese. More accurately, mothers in Indianapolis are upset that a Hustler store is opening up next to a Chuck E. Cheese.

12. In an interview, Republican presidential Donald Trump said his opponent Hillary Clinton “doesn’t look presidential.” And he would know, no one is more presidential than him considering our founding fathers also had slaves, wore wigs and didn’t care about the black vote:

13. A briefcase containing $3 million in jewelry was stolen from rapper Drake’s tour bus. “I can relate,” said MC Hammer, “I live in my car, too.”

14. A Kansas man admitted to robbing a bank last week in order to go to jail to avoid his wife. Where, ironically, he became someone else’s wife.

15. 12-year-old Jeremy Shuler, an academic prodigy, is starting his freshman year at Cornell this fall. “Just a stab in the dark, but do they need a football coach over there?” said Jerry Sandusky.

16. During a speech last week, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said that America is like “the big bully that keeps getting beat up.” Which explains Trump’s new campaign slogan: Trump 2016 – Stop Hitting Yourself!

17. Last week, Latinos for Trump founder Marco Gutierrez said if Hillary Clinton wins the presidency “there will be taco trucks on every corner.” And, after all the indignities, it’s crazy to think, that was the thing that made Chris Christie switch his vote.

18. On Friday, an education official in the Philippines said that starting next year the country will begin testing all incoming college freshmen for drugs. “Well, we had a good run,” said liberal arts schools.

19. Last week, a woman in the U.K. broke the silence during a sombre courtroom proceeding by farting very loudly. The incident was tough on everyone in the courtroom, especially the stenographer.

20. Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence said he will release his tax returns this week. “Yeah, those are from both of us,” said Trump.

August 1, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 08/01/2016 by prejectedjokes

1. When asked to comment on the Democratic Convention getting higher ratings than his own, Republican nominee Donald Trump said, “I didn’t produce our show. I just showed up for the final speech.” No surprise, history has shown that he tends to distance himself from things that aren’t successful, just ask any kid not named Ivanka.

2. The Navy has announced that it intends to name a new oiler ship after slain gay right activist Harvey Milk. Which is a real slap in the face to the sailor in the Village People.

3. Norwegian Prime Minister Erna Solberg said last week her government was considering a proposal to move the country’s border 130 feet, gifting Finland a mountain for its 100 years of independence. “Really?!?!?!” said Sweden as it was throwing out a gift-wrapped blender.

4. Last week, the rock bank Motley Crue announced that they are launching a line of sex toys. Which explains the tag line: Dildos sold by douchebags.

5. An Arkansas man has completed a 148-day, 3,100 mile walk across the United States. Man,his love-life was so much simpler when his cousin lived in-state.

6. A satanic after school club will be introduced this week in public schools in Massachusetts. Or, as Republicans refer to it, science class.

7. Over the weekend, Republican nominee Donald Trump said he is unhappy with the dates selected for the presidential debates, noting two of the three are scheduled against NFL games. And, if Trump’s learned one thing, it’s never go up against the NFL:

8. Over the weekend, actor Jean Claude Van Damme stormed out of an Australian interview saying “I’ve been asked the same question for the past 25 years.” That question, “Why?”

9. Last week, actor Matt Damon announced that he will be taking this year off from acting. Or, as people who paid $12.50 to see ‘Interstellar’ think of it, two years too late.

10. Chalice, a transgender superhero, is hitting the comic book world this month. Or, at least, that’s what Superman told me after he used his x-ray vision.

May 18, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 05/18/2016 by prejectedjokes

1. The Belgian city of Bruges is building a pipeline that will run under the city that will only transport beer. But, until construction is finished, Coors Light is still your best bet to drink a beer that tastes like its been in a sewer underneath a city.

2. A woman who has accused Bill Cosby of drugging and molesting her at a Playboy Mansion party in 2008 has filed a second lawsuit accusing Playboy founder Hugh Hefner of conspiring in the assault. Said Hefner, “Cool, a three-way.”

3. Pictures of a three-year-old boy with a diagonal cut on his foreign went viral when his mom turned the scar into Harry Potter’s iconic lightning bolt scar. Child protective services are now referring to the boy’s mother as She Who Must Not Be Named.

4. Actor Henry Cavill, who portrays Superman on the big screen, has reportedly broken up with his girlfriend of seven months. Apparently commitment is his kryptonite.

5. Anne Graham Lotz, the daughter of Reverend Billy Graham, said terror attacks such as 9/11 and the mass shooting in San Bernardino were allowed by God because of the gay rights movement and the acceptance of evolution. Although it’s unclear what terrible things mankind did for God to unleash Anne Graham Lotz on us.

6. A 64-year-old man, who had his penis amputated after a penile cancer diagnosis in 2012, became the first patient in the U.S. to undergo a successful penis transplant, getting the donor penis from a deceased man. The only downside is, due to rigamortis, he is always erect.

7. On Monday, Democrat Hillary Clinton said, if elected president, she will name her husband, former President Bill Clinton, her economy czar. Because Hillary, more than anyone else, knows that it’s not good for Bill to have down time at the White House.

8. In a new interview, Melania Trump, the wife of presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, said of her husband, “We know the truth. He’s not Hitler.” Coincidentally, Melania was also required to include that line in her wedding vows.

9. It was announced this week that South Korea, Japan, and the United States will hold their first-ever joint anti-missile exercise next month. “Let us know if you want to make it more than just an exercise,” said North Korea.

10. A Colorado Springs school district has approved the use of medical marijuana for its students. Which means, even if it’s announced ahead of time, to those students, every test will be a surprise pop quiz.

February 4, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 02/04/2016 by prejectedjokes

1. On Monday, Jeb Bush came in sixth place in Iowa, getting only 3% of the vote, which, when taking into account how much he spent in Iowa on campaigning, equaled $2,800 per vote. And, to put that in perspective, if you took all that money in singles and laid it, in a line, end-to-end, that still would have been a better use of that money.

2. During Monday night’s Democratic caucus in Iowa, seven districts were so close that the winner was determined by a coin flip, with Hillary Clinton winning six of the seven times the quarter was tossed. Said Bernie Sanders, “Not since he borrowed my wig powder and never gave it back have I been so screwed over by George Washington.”

3. On Wednesday, Ted Cruz lashed into Donald Trump calling him more immature than Cruz’s grade-school children. In response, Trump called himself rubber and Cruz glue.

4. According to scientists, the phenomenon known as ‘resting bitch face’ is real. They made this discovery while watching Hillary’s real-time reactions to the returns in Iowa.

5. On Wednesday, CBS announced that the Flash will pay a visit to Supergirl in a crossover episode. “I KNEW IT!!!!!” said Superman.

6. According to Bloomberg, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is now the fourth richest person in the world. While, Tom from MySpace wants to know if you have any spare change.

7. According to a new study, a healthy sex life in old age may help keep the brain healthy as well. So now you know why Grandma is still so lucid and also so popular at her old-age home.

8. The Obama administration on Monday welcomed Facebook’s latest move to prohibit users from using its services to coordinate person-to-person private sales of firearms. Here’s a look at the statement released by the White House:

9. The Kansas health department is yet to find the cause and source of a gastrointestinal illness that affected at least 10 people who ate at a Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant. Although, it kinda seems like they did.

10. A court in Sicily ruled that an Italian man accused of groping female colleagues is not guilty of sexual harassment because he was driven by an immature sense of humor rather than a desire for sexual gratification. And, just like that, Bill Cosby has a new defense.

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Monologue jokes, delightful pictures, and funny musings, but more likely just crap

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