February 4, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, Jeb Bush came in sixth place in Iowa, getting only 3% of the vote, which, when taking into account how much he spent in Iowa on campaigning, equaled $2,800 per vote. And, to put that in perspective, if you took all that money in singles and laid it, in a line, end-to-end, that still would have been a better use of that money.

2. During Monday night’s Democratic caucus in Iowa, seven districts were so close that the winner was determined by a coin flip, with Hillary Clinton winning six of the seven times the quarter was tossed. Said Bernie Sanders, “Not since he borrowed my wig powder and never gave it back have I been so screwed over by George Washington.”

3. On Wednesday, Ted Cruz lashed into Donald Trump calling him more immature than Cruz’s grade-school children. In response, Trump called himself rubber and Cruz glue.

4. According to scientists, the phenomenon known as ‘resting bitch face’ is real. They made this discovery while watching Hillary’s real-time reactions to the returns in Iowa.

5. On Wednesday, CBS announced that the Flash will pay a visit to Supergirl in a crossover episode. “I KNEW IT!!!!!” said Superman.

6. According to Bloomberg, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is now the fourth richest person in the world. While, Tom from MySpace wants to know if you have any spare change.

7. According to a new study, a healthy sex life in old age may help keep the brain healthy as well. So now you know why Grandma is still so lucid and also so popular at her old-age home.

8. The Obama administration on Monday welcomed Facebook’s latest move to prohibit users from using its services to coordinate person-to-person private sales of firearms. Here’s a look at the statement released by the White House:
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9. The Kansas health department is yet to find the cause and source of a gastrointestinal illness that affected at least 10 people who ate at a Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant. Although, it kinda seems like they did.

10. A court in Sicily ruled that an Italian man accused of groping female colleagues is not guilty of sexual harassment because he was driven by an immature sense of humor rather than a desire for sexual gratification. And, just like that, Bill Cosby has a new defense.

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