April 13, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. There is a new show on Quibi called ‘Murder House Flip’ where people renovate notorious homicide homes. “If this keeps up much longer, they’re gonna have a lot more homes to choose from,” said couples quarantined together. 

2. Last week, aides to Joe Biden said the likely Democratic nominee will arrange a call with President Trump to discuss the country’s response to the deadly coronavirus pandemic. Together they will tackle the nation’s biggest challenge, two 70-plus-year-old men trying to figure out a Zoom call:

 3. Walt Disney might require theme park visitors to have their temperatures checked when they reopen after coronavirus restrictions on public gatherings are lifted. “Bend over,” said Goofy:

4. Queen Elizabeth made a rare address to the nation last weekend to address the coronavirus pandemic. Wow, it must be so comforting to have a leader that rarely addresses the nation:

5. According to reports, President Trump has been advocating the use of hydrochloroquine to treat the coronavirus because Rudy Guiliani has been telling him that it works. Which explains Trump’s other suggested cure, marrying your first cousin.

6. Last Tuesday was National Beer Day. Said Americans, “What’s Tuesday?”

7. According to a new study, you can predict how many women a man has slept with by how funny he is. That story again, Rob Schneider is still a virgin.

8. A painting by Vincent van Gogh was stolen in an overnight raid at a Dutch museum. I’m jealous, not of the payday that will come from selling that masterpiece, but that they got out of their house and went to a museum. 

9. Over the weekend, “Saturday Night Live” returned to television with a new, remotely produced show. And I think i speak for everyone when I say, please, no one tell the producers of ‘God Friended Me” that’s possible.

10. Last week, author JK Rowling launched a ‘Harry Potter at Home’ online tool for kids in lockdown. Not to be outdone, Jared from Subway showed his tool to kids online and now he’s under lockdown.

11. According to a new study, cats can contract and pass the coronavirus. So that explains all the social distancing:

12. Last week, O.J. Simpson said that one of the stars of the Netflix docu-series ‘Tiger King’ definitely killed her husband. What makes him the authority on …. oh, right, right, right, the double murder thing.

13. The Democratic Party on Thursday postponed its presidential nominating convention by a month until August, citing the coronavirus health crisis. “So you’re telling me I still got a chance,” said Tulsi Gabbard.

14. A petition to name Dr. Anthony Fauci the “Sexiest Man Alive” is gaining momentum. Because if the virus keeps up, he will be the only man alive.

15. President Trump said Friday his administration was now recommending Americans wear “non-medical cloth” face coverings. Adding, “Especially the uggos.”

16. The Supreme Court on Friday postponed oral arguments scheduled for April as a result of the coronavirus and is considering alternative options for handling its outstanding cases. And those alternatives better involve Ruth Bader Ginsburg quarantined in the fucking Popemobile:

17. In a conference call with major league sports commissioners on Saturday, President Trump said he believes the NFL season should start on time in September. Although the football players weren’t enthusiastic about going back after the call, not because of the virus, but because they just got a firsthand look at the end-result of suffering severe brain damage:

18. Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger has been posting self-isolation videos of him eating meals at home with his tiny donkey and miniature horse. So I think it’s safe to assume Maria Shriver won that divorce.

19. According to reports, the King of Thailand is self-quarantining by renting out an entire hotel in Germany for himself and his twenty girlfriends. So at least we already know the epicenter of the next viral pandemic.

20. Last week, President Trump said he didn’t want to give the American people bad news during the coronavirus pandemic. Then maybe he should stop holding daily televised press conference reminding the American people that he’s still the president.

21. During a press conference last week, President Trump called himself a ‘cheerleader’ for the country. Marking the first time I’ve ever actually felt bad for Kellyanne Conway:

22. According to a new study, most Americans want the government to require mail-in ballots for the November presidential election if the coronavirus outbreak still threatens the public. Begging the question how much postage does it take to mail a ballot from Russia?

23. A group of clowns who usually entertain retirees in their rooms at seniors homes has taken to performing outside instead so their audience can watch from their windows while in coronavirus-enforced isolation. But if the seniors miss that show, don’t worry, this group of clowns puts on a performance on your tv everyday:

24. Last week, Dr. Anthony Fauci said he does not think people should shake hands “ever again.” “Look who was ahead of his time,” said President Trump:

25. This week, rapper Drake revealed that he has a Birkin bag collection that he purchased for his future wife. “Yeah, that’s why I had that pocketbook collection too,” said the ghost of Liberace.

November 3, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, 16% of Americans believe that Bigfoot is real. “I’ve seen it,” said the woman who waxes the Kardashians.

2. Due to thawing relations between the Cuba and the U.S., Cubans were able to watch the World Series twenty-four hours after the live event. That story again, residents of Cuba now have Time Warner cable.

3. NBC News and MSNBC joined Showtime, Penguin Press and HBO in severing ties with political journalist Mark Halperin, who is accused of sexually harassing several female colleagues. But, on the plus-side, he’s now over-qualified to run Fox News.

4. Paul Manafort, the indicted former campaign manager for President Donald Trump, spent almost $1 million on eight rugs in two years. But, in his defense, he was in charge of the Trump campaign and, at a certain point, dry cleaning doesn’t work anymore:

5. The White House released the official portraits of President Trump and Vice President Pence on Tuesday. Begging the question, how can you tell the difference between Mike Pence and a portrait of Mike Pence?

6. Ford has built a robotic butt that tests the durability of the seats it puts in its vehicles. Those who have seen it said it resembles a Kardashian, except for the fact that the robotic butt has a job.

7. After Hillary Clinton joked this week that she was considering dressing up as president for Halloween, Donald Trump Jr. tweeted “That’s cute. She can borrow my Donald Trump mask.” But if he loans out his mask, what will his wife wear during sex so he can achieve orgasm?

8. On Wednesday, the CIA released Osama bin Laden’s personal diary. Turns out bin Laden believed in two things, that Allah is great and that Becky is a complete bitch.

9. Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell said on Tuesday lawmakers and the Trump administration were “on a path” toward reaching a deal on a bill that would keep the government funded beyond December 8th. They’re gonna sell steaks!:

10. According to sources, President Trump has made it clear to the State Department that he wants to accelerate the release of any remaining Hillary Clinton emails. Of course, the best way to secure the fastest release of emails from Hillary is to mark them ‘Confidential.’

11. According to a new report, modernizing and maintaining the U.S. nuclear arsenal over the next 30 years will cost more than $1.2 trillion. Said President Trump, “I plan on keeping costs down by getting ride of a few”:

12. This week the CEO of Papa John’s said the NFL protests are hurting their sales. Or maybe, just maybe, the public isn’t buying your pizza because they’ve tasted it.

13. A defector from North Korea told U.S. lawmakers on Wednesday that disseminating information in the reclusive country would be more effective than the billions of dollars being spent to address the military threat.”Disseminating information in a foreign country you say,” said President Trump, “luckily I know a guy who has a lot of experience”:

14. On Wednesday, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders confirmed that no one in the Trump administration supports slavery. Which is a pretty callous way to tell Jeff Sessions he’s been fired.

15. President Trump reportedly wants to name the Republican tax bill the “Cut Cut Cut” bill. Which I assume will be spelt with K’s and shortened to be more accurate to this administration.

16. The Senate heard testimony this week from President Trump’s pick to be the new head of NASA, Jim Bridenstine, who does not have a background in science. But, in Trump’s defense, Bridenstine wasn’t his first pick, but he had settle after he was informed that Buzz Lightyear isn’t a real person.

17. This week, during a Halloween party event at the White House, First Lady Melania Trump met a little girl dressed up as her. So that makes it two weeks in a row now for Melania:

18. According to a new study, only 4.8% of television writers are black. “We didn’t even know that was allowed,” said the writers for ‘Frasier.’

19. Saudi Arabia will for the first time allow women to attend sporting events. They’re even allowing them to paint their faces to show support for their team, here are a couple of sports fanatics now:

20. The Justice Department has gathered enough evidence to charge six members of the Russian government in the hacking of Democratic National Committee computers before the 2016 presidential election. Good lord, haven’t enough members of the Trump administration been charged this week?

May 18, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Russian President Vladimir Putin said he is “ready to provide recording” of the White House meeting between his foreign minister and President Trump to Congress. Hopefully, he’s labeled his recordings well:

2. ABC announced this week that former MLBer Alex Rodriguez will appear as a guest judge on the next season of ‘Shark Tank.’ The episodes will air in the fall, which means, for once, A-Rod may actually contribute to a winning bid in October.

3. Authorities at a Malaysian airport said they seized 330 endangered tortoises that were falsely labeled as “stones” in boxes shipped from Madagascar. Not to be confused with these tortoises who are also labeled Stones:

4. A new survey suggests that most Americans are confused about what counts as a healthy food choice. Said Americans, “What’s healthier ‘smothered’ or ‘covered’?”

5. Former President Bill Clinton has agreed to co-write a mystery novel entitled “The President is Missing.” It is expected to sell better than the horror novel entitled “The President is in the Oval Office Hard at Work”:

6. According to reports, when writing intel briefings, National Security Council officials strategically include President Trump’s name in “as many paragraphs” as possible because “he keeps reading if he’s mentioned.” Luckily, considering all his lawsuits, Trump will never run out of reading material.

7. Tuesday night, Bernie Sanders said he’s not ready to jump on the impeach Trump bandwagon yet. Oh, look who’s in the one percent now.

8. Yesterday President Trump gave the commencement speech at the Coast Guard Academy where he said, “No politician in history … has been treated worse or more unfairly.” The only words fit for print when Hillary was reached for comment were ‘are,’ ‘you,’ kidding,’ and ‘me,’

9. In her new memoir, 70-year-old actress Suzanne Somers said the secret to her 40-year marriage is having sex everyday. “That’s ironic, the secret to ours is the exact opposite,” said Melania.

10. On Wednesday, the World Health Organization said that more than half of all deaths worldwide have no recorded cause. Or, as it was reported on Fox News, more than half of all deaths can be traced back to the DNC.

September 6, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Sunday, Pope Francis elevated Mother Teresa to sainthood. Where she takes her place along other notable religious dignitaries like Saint Peter, John the Baptist, and Bishop Don ‘Magic’ Juan.

2. On Friday, Russian President Vladimir Putin said he did not know who was behind the hacking of the U.S. Democratic Party. Saying, “It could have been anyone, including Democratic Vice Chairman Raymond Buckley’s third grade teacher Miss Worthy or DNC Treasurer Andrew Tobias’s middle child Henry who’s social security number is 342-65-5723.”

3. Last week, El Salvador’s annual church festival in which young men throw fiery, gasoline-soaked rags at one another took place in the streets. Although, to be fair, it is still one of the less dangerous things you’ll be exposed to as a young man in the Catholic Church.

4. According to India’s National Conservation Authority, the country has lost track of 83 tigers over the last eight months. And, no one is more nervous about 83 tigers just roaming around than Seigfred.

5. Last week, Princess Kate made waves by wearing a pair of pants from the Gap that only cost $30. Giving new meaning to the phrase, ‘Mind the Gap’:
kate middleton

6. A dedicated gamer in New York City brought a monitor and his Xbox onto a subway so he could continue playing. Which has got to be the best case scenario if someone on the subway asks if you want to play Black Hole Assault.

7. On Saturday, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump visited an African-American church in Detroit, telling the audience, “I’m here today to learn.” So if Trump only goes to places where learning is happening, I guess that explains why he never visited Trump University.

8. After their starting quarterback got injured during a game on Saturday, Navy pulled a freshman from the stands to play the position for the rest of the game. Going from a spectator in the stands to a starting quarterback, or, as it’s more commonly known, a reverse Tebow.

9. To celebrate their 100th anniversary, Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs set a Guinness Record on Friday by preparing 1,916 hotdogs, wrapping them in tin foil and assembling them in a continuous line at their store in Manhattan’s Grand Central Terminal. And, of course, I was the guy behind that order in line.

10. When speaking of his teammate Tom Brady’s suspension, New England wide receiver Julian Edelman said, “It’s like one of your buddies going to jail.” “Actually, you know what’s more like that…” said Aaron Hernandez.

August 5, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Eric Trump appeared on CBS This Morning on Tuesday and defended his father’s ongoing feud with the family of veteran, saying, “What I think this country needs is a fighter.” And you’ve need seen anyone fight harder than Donald Trump when Eric goes in for a hug.

2. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said of the New York Times, “they don’t write good.” And, technically he’s correct, because whenever they’re writing about Trump, they’re writing evil.

3. Actor Antonio Sabato Jr. says, after speaking at the Republican National Convention, he has been blacklisted and can’t get a job in liberal Hollywood. And, also, before the speech.

4. According to a new study, millennials would rather go online than have sex. This according to every 20-something-year-old girl who didn’t even look up from her phone to reject me.

5. A London man was arrested on Tuesday after driving a car packed with marijuana the wrong way on a highway for five miles. Said the man, “Did you ever think that maybe they were the ones driving the wrong way?”

6. According to a new study, enjoying bad, trashy films is linked to a higher level of intelligence. “I await my Peabody Award,” said Adam Sandler.

7. Regarding Donald Trump’s controversial rhetoric, one Trump advisor said the problem is that Trump is always watching TV and then gets angry at what he sees and reacts. So, he is just like us:
yelling tv

8. Yesterday, to celebrate President Obama’s 55th birthday, Vice President Joe Biden tweeted out a picture of two friendship bracelets made out of yarn and embroidered with the names ‘Joe’ and ‘Barack.’ Presumably because the White House kitchen ran out of dried macaroni and glitter.

9. Yesterday, the paparazzi snapped photos of actor Orlando Bloom completely naked on a paddleboard with bikini-clad girlfriend Katy Perry while on vacation in Sardinia. Thus disappointing every guy who has a Google alert set up for articles containing the words ‘Katy Perry’ and ‘naked.’

10. President Obama said on Thursday that Donald Trump will get national security briefings as required by law ahead of the election. During which, I’m guessing, Trump’s first question will be, “Who’s this narcissistic billionaire real estate tycoon that’s threatening our national security that’s mentioned in every one of these briefings?”

11. The apartment of the only black firefighter in a small upstate New York town recently burned to the ground in a case of suspected arson. Which is a pretty rough way to find out you’re not very good at your job.

12. Rappers 50 Cent and The Game ended their twelve year beef by going to a strip club together. Or, as Bill Clinton refers to it, diplomacy.

13. Russia’s Foreign Minister said on Monday that U.S. accusations that Moscow was behind a hack of Democratic National Committee computers were insulting. Adding, “Everyone knows we love the Democratic party, especially comrade Bernie.”

14. Race car driver Daniel Ricciardo celebrated his German Gran Prix win over the weekend by drinking champagne out of his sweaty boot. Which, I’m pretty sure is how they make Miller Light.

15. After New York City installed over 300 free Wi-Fi kiosks throughout the city, there has been an uptick in reports of homeless men using the stations to watch porn and pleasure themselves in public. An outcome that was completely unforeseeable unless they asked literally anyone.
16. When asked to comment on the Democratic Convention getting higher ratings, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said, “I didn’t produce our show. I just showed up for the final speech.” If he didn’t produce it, I’d hate to be the guy who told him the lineup of speakers before him:
17. Simon Wheatcroft, a blind marathoner, made it across the 150 mile Namibian desert by himself with only the aid of an app on his smartphone. Although, the feat becomes less impressive once you learn that app was Uber.

18. A Cincinnati man has been charged after investigators say he broke into a historic home, took off all of his clothes and was found naked, drinking Pina Colada mix. But, to fair, he took off his clothes because he got caught in the rain.

19. According to a new survey, 67% of U.S. adults say it’s at least sometimes appropriate for doctors to discuss guns with patients during check-ups. While the remaining 33% say, “No, how bout YOU turn YOUR head and cough.”

20. A woman in Alaska drove her dead husband’s casket around in her car for days. Said the woman, “I refuse to stop and ask for directions because that’s the way he would have wanted it.”

21. Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, in jail on corruption charges, has reportedly started a rock band with fellow inmates. And, they’ve already got some groupies:

22. At a campaign rally in Colorado on Friday, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said, “No more Mr. Nice Guy.” Begging the question, what is Trump planning on doing to Tim Kaine?

August 1, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. When asked to comment on the Democratic Convention getting higher ratings than his own, Republican nominee Donald Trump said, “I didn’t produce our show. I just showed up for the final speech.” No surprise, history has shown that he tends to distance himself from things that aren’t successful, just ask any kid not named Ivanka.

2. The Navy has announced that it intends to name a new oiler ship after slain gay right activist Harvey Milk. Which is a real slap in the face to the sailor in the Village People.

3. Norwegian Prime Minister Erna Solberg said last week her government was considering a proposal to move the country’s border 130 feet, gifting Finland a mountain for its 100 years of independence. “Really?!?!?!” said Sweden as it was throwing out a gift-wrapped blender.

4. Last week, the rock bank Motley Crue announced that they are launching a line of sex toys. Which explains the tag line: Dildos sold by douchebags.

5. An Arkansas man has completed a 148-day, 3,100 mile walk across the United States. Man,his love-life was so much simpler when his cousin lived in-state.

6. A satanic after school club will be introduced this week in public schools in Massachusetts. Or, as Republicans refer to it, science class.

7. Over the weekend, Republican nominee Donald Trump said he is unhappy with the dates selected for the presidential debates, noting two of the three are scheduled against NFL games. And, if Trump’s learned one thing, it’s never go up against the NFL:

8. Over the weekend, actor Jean Claude Van Damme stormed out of an Australian interview saying “I’ve been asked the same question for the past 25 years.” That question, “Why?”

9. Last week, actor Matt Damon announced that he will be taking this year off from acting. Or, as people who paid $12.50 to see ‘Interstellar’ think of it, two years too late.

10. Chalice, a transgender superhero, is hitting the comic book world this month. Or, at least, that’s what Superman told me after he used his x-ray vision.

July 29, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last night, at the Democratic Convention, when speaking of her running mate, Hillary Clinton said, “for those of you just getting to know Tim Kaine.” Although, she could have saved a lot of time by saying, “Hey, everyone.”

2. During her speech last night at the Democratic Convention, Hillary Clinton said, America has, “the most generous and tolerant young people we’ve ever had.” So tolerant and generous that they’ll hopefully vote for their second choice for the Democratic presidential nominee.

3. Last night Hillary Clinton said, “I accept your nomination for the presidency of the United States.” And, I gotta say, after practicing it in the mirror every night for the past eight years, she nailed it.

4. At the conclusion of Hillary Clinton’s speech last night at the Democratic Convention, the arena was covered in hundreds and hundreds of balloons. And, in keeping with that theme, the old, crotchety man from ‘Up’ made an appearance:

5. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump on Thursday tried to quell the outrage over his call for Russia to find Hillary Clinton’s deleted emails, saying he was being sarcastic. Said Trump, “Can’t you tell when I’m being sarcastic? I raise my voice, gesticulate wildly with my arms and make over-the-top statements.”

6. According to a new study, people exposed to high lighting in the evening, and low lighting in the morning are more likely to gain weight. “What about fluorescent lighting?” said Chris Christie:
krisy kreme

7. The website of Melania Trump, wife of the Republican presidential nominee, was deleted from the internet on Wednesday amid questions of whether she actually earned the college degree she claimed on her site. But, if she didn’t get her degree, how do you explain this:

8. During his speech Tuesday night, Bill Clinton revealed that it took three tries to get Hillary to marry him. Same with Donald and Melania, except the first two were with other women.

9. During his speech to the Democratic Convention Tuesday night, Bill Clinton labeled his wife, Hillary, as a ‘change maker. Saying, “For instance, I used to sleep in the bed, she changed that, now I sleep on the sofa.”

10. According to a new report, it is completely safe to eat raw cookie dough. We’re just one announcement of Cheetos being good for you away from me being a fucking nutritionist.

11. On Friday, former Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard David Duke announced his intentions to run for U.S. Senate in the state of Louisiana. I’m not sure he’s qualified to be a senator but he definitely has the requisite experience to hammer down the wooden stakes needed to erect a campaign sign in front yards.

12. A rare flower that smells like a corpse is set to bloom this week in New York City. Once it blooms, it is expected to make the city smell better.

13. This week, the UK’s first double hand transplant operation took place and the patient says his new hands look “tremendous”. So, yeah, it’s exactly who you think it is:
trump hands

14. Under his four game suspension, New England quarterback Tom Brady is not allowed to even play catch with his Patriot teammates. Mark Sanchez is also unable to play catch with his teammates, but that’s just because he sucks.

15. Scientists in the U.K. have reportedly discovered a woman who can see 99 million more colors than a normal person. “You’re gonna wear that shirt with those pants?” said the woman to her husband every day of his goddamn life.

July 28, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Tuesday night, Bill Clinton opened his speech at the Democratic Convention by saying, “In the spring of 1971, I met a girl.” Adding, “Then, in the fall, I met two more girls and you wouldn’t even believe what I did that summer, but I digress.”

2. Bill Clinton’s speech to the Democratic Convention Tuesday night consisted of heartfelt, personal stories about his wife Hillary in an attempt to humanize her. He did such a good job that even Hillary shed a tear, which, unfortunately, short-circuited her motherboard.

3. The grandmother who introduced President Obama Wednesday night at the Democratic Convention said that every American should get the opportunity to hug the president. And, due to the inactivity on gun control, they might just get that chance.

4. President Obama’s Wednesday night speech at the Democratic Convention characterized the picture painted of America at last week’s Republican Convention as “deeply pessimistic.” But, to be fair, what did you expect from Republicans after spending a week in Cleveland.

5. During last night’s Democratic Convention, Hillary Clinton made a surprise appearance on stage at the conclusion of President Obama’s speech. “Yeah, she’ll sneak up on you like that,” said Bill.

6. Ahead of next month’s Olympics in Brazil, France’s security council has advised French tourists who plan on making the trip to walk the streets of Rio with no jewelry and a spare 50-real bill ready to give to a mugger. And I can’t think of anything more French than having a plan in place to surrender.

7. John Hinckley Jr., the man who shot President Ronald Reagan in 1981, is set to be released from jail this week. Even crazier, Jodie Foster paid his bail.

8. Scientists say they have developed a machine that uses sunlight to convert urine into drinkable water. That story again, the Mountain Dew factory has installed solar panels.

9. Yesterday, Virginia Senator Tim Kaine accepted the Democratic Party’s vice presidential nomination, saying he is ready to fulfill the duties of the position on day one. And, I assume, the day one vice presidential responsibilities consists of painting over the many ‘Biden Rulez’ written on the walls of the VP residence.

10. During a press conference on Wednesday, Donald Trump did an impression of Jon Lovitz from Saturday Night Live. It was not as warmly received as his Stefon:

July 27, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Hillary Clinton was officially named the Democratic nominee for president, becoming the first female nominee for a major U.S. party. A night that many believe was a hundred years in the making, although Debbie Wasserman Schultz ballparks it at about a year and a half.

2. According to reports, Democrats beat Republicans in the TV ratings when comparing the first nights of their respective party’s Conventions. Said Trump, “I don’t understand, we had Chachi!?!”

3. On Monday, the Cleveland Cavaliers signed head coach Tyron Lue to a five year, $35 million contract. Which comes out to $7 million a year to ask LeBron what play he wants to run.

4. Donald Trump slammed Democrats on Tuesday for not once mentioning ISIS during the first day of the Democratic Convention. Which, in Trump’s book, is an unforgivable sin, just behind not mentioning him.

5. A man in the Czech town of Prerov could not pay his bar bill so he stripped down naked, left his clothes at the bar as collateral and headed out to get cash. Begging the question, where did he keep his ATM card?

6. Disneyland announced that it’s iconic Tower of Terror drop ride, featuring an elevator that free-falls for 130 feet, is closing. So now, you’re best bet to get scared in an elevator is to date Ray Rice.

7. Boston Mayor Marty Walsh opened his speech Monday night at the Democratic Convention by saying he was an alcoholic. “Look who’s plagiarizing now,” said the Kennedy estate.

8. A Florida man pleaded guilty on Monday to illegally funneling $80,000 in foreign contributions to President Obama’s fundraising campaign in 2012 so that a foreign national could attend a campaign event. The court didn’t release the identity of the foreign national, but that didn’t stop Fox News from speculating:obama

9. Dr. Dre was detained outside his home Monday morning after L.A. police received a call from a motorist who alleged the rapper had threatened him with a gun. The encounter ended with beats, but not by Dre.

10. Dating app Tinder has introduced Tinder Social which allows users to swipe right to meet up and go on dates with groups. “Finally,” said Mormon men.

July 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Monday night, First Lady Michelle Obama spoke at the Democratic National Convention. But don’t worry if you missed it, you can catch all the highlights during Melania’s next speech.

2. President Obama’s half brother, Malik Obama, says he will vote for Republican nominee Donald Trump in November’s general election. In response, Barack questioned Malik’s ability to even vote in U.S. elections and demanded to see his long-form birth certificate.

3. During his speech to the Democratic Convention last night, Senator Bernie Sanders mentioned ‘Hillary Clinton’ fifteen times, ‘Donald Trump’ ten times and ‘President Obama’ three times. “Did you notice he didn’t mention God once?” said Debbie Wasserman Schultz?

4. A man in England shot himself in the cheek and posted the video online in a bid to launch his rap career. So I guess this one falls in the ‘Die Tryin’ column.

5. A hypnotherapist mother in California is using hypnosis as a parenting tool. And, laugh if you will, but the proof is in the pudding, she has two very well-behaved children and one who thinks she’s a chicken.

6. Norway announced an ambitious plan to install the world’s first floating underwater traffic tunnels. So I guess Ted Kennedy was just ahead of his time.

7. A new study has found that birds, crickets and frogs that live in large cities are increasingly singing off-key due to loud city noise. This holds especially true the nights that Ke$ha is in town.

8. A judge in Wisconsin got a much-needed kidney donation from a fellow judge. “You assholes said that wasn’t allowed!” said the ghost of Antonin Scalia.

9. Rap group Insane Clown Posse and its fans are planning a march on Washington D.C. to protest the FBI. It will be the largest gathering of clowns in D.C. since Congress the previous day.

10. On Monday, Matteo Salving, the leader of Italy’s anti-immigrant Northern League, compared the woman speaker of the lower house of parliament to an inflatable sex doll. But, in Matteo’s defense, with misogynistic comments like that, I bet he’s quite the authority on inflatable sex dolls.