January 20, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Madame Tussauds waxwork museum in London announced last week that it had removed figures of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle from their royal exhibit. The last time a room full of royals cleared out that quickly the Queen ripped a mean one. 

2. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a candle that she claims smells like her vagina. And if you purchase that candle you can expect to hear a lot of questions like ‘Why did you buy this?’ and ‘How did this happen?’ and ‘Are you cooking fish?’ 

3. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. So, yeah, that’s not a spit bucket. 

4. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. Begging the question, who is my thirteen-year-old nephew training to fight? 

5. Five California mountain lions were seen together on home surveillance video this week. It’s the most disturbing grouping of large cats since:

6. A German Shepherd in North Carolina gave birth to a green puppy last week. “I know what you’re thinking,” said the family’s pet turtle. 

7. Chris Beart, the rapper who cut off his own penis before jumping off a two-story building in 2014, recently got married. Said the groomsman who disapproved of the marriage, “This is going to be the second worst decision you’ve ever made.”

8. A new study found no strong evidence linking baby powder to ovarian cancer. Great news for LeBron James’ ovaries:

9. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced last week that they will be “stepping back” from their role as royals, moving to America, and “will work to become financially independent.” That story again, Harry will be answering to a new King:

10. Last week, a Florida man pled guilty to a trafficking scheme in which live water monitor lizards were concealed inside electronic equipment and smuggled from the Philippines into the U.S. Which explains why my fax machine just ate my cat.

11. Police in Florida are seeking help locating a burglar who broke into a house and told the owners he was “there to suck toes.” That story again, Quentin Tarantino is apparently scouting filming locations in Florida.

12. Scientists recently conducted a study in which they put 3D glasses on cuttlefish and showed them film clips. The study found that if you put 3D glasses on cuttlefish for a long enough period you’ll lose your job as a scientist.

13. Last week, Georgia authorities say a man broke into a Taco Bell restaurant, prepared food, and took a nap inside. The man made a meal and took a nap or, as President Trump refers to it, a full workday.

14. According to a new study, older people who frequent art galleries and museums and attend the theater may live longer than those who don’t. “Strongly disagree?” said the ghost of Lincoln.

15. It was revealed this week that the New York Public Library’s most checked-out book of all time is the children’s book “The Snowy Day.” While the Library’s least checked-out book, “The Erotic Tales of Wilford Brimley.”

16. Monday night, the LSU Tigers beat the Clemson Tigers 42-25 to win the college football National Championship. It’s the first time a tiger beat itself since:

17. According to a new study, Mars is losing water quicker than expected. That story again, Mars is still more inhabitable than Flint, Michigan.

18. On Monday, the Cleveland Browns named Kevin Stefanski their new head coach because, I assume, he was the last one to say ‘Not it.’

19. A Florida woman was arrested this week for building a bomb in a Walmart from items she found in the store. So, just one item?:

20. Last week, a man asked a court to grant his motion for trial by combat so he can meet his ex-wife and her attorney “on the field of battle.” “Hey at least I asked the court ahead of time this time,” said O.J.

November 10, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week in Germany, movie-goers were forced to evacuate a theater after a man tried to open a beer with pepper spray. When asked if he was crying because he was exposed to the pepper spray, one man said, “No, I’m crying because I spent $15 to see Johnny Depp in ‘Murder on the Orient Express.’”

2. According to reports Osama bin Laden spent the last years of his life arguing with people in the comments section of YouTube who claimed 9/11 was an inside job. Ah, the comments section of YouTube, a place where Osama bin Laden is only the fourth or fifth worst person.

3. China’s drug control agency disputed President Trump’s claim that most of the synthetic drug fentanyl at the heart of the U.S. opioid crisis is produced in China. Said Trump, “Okay, but I’m not letting you off the hook for the pee-pee in the Coke thing.”

4. President Trump’s attempt to make an unannounced visit to the border separating North and South Korea was aborted on Wednesday after dense fog prevented his helicopter from landing. In unrelated news, Melania was seen on the White House’s North Lawn setting up multiple fog machines.

5. Last week, Actress Lindsay Lohan tweeted at President Trump saying they should meet while he’s in Asia. And, if Trump has any sense of humor, he’ll make Pence attend that meeting all alone.

6. A man was arrested near the White House on Monday. But, on the plus-side, that’s less than last week:

7. When asked in a recent interview about all the open positions in the State Department, President Trump said, “I’m the only one that matters.” Which is also how he signs his kid’s birthday cards:

8. While speaking in Japan last week, Ivanka Trump called for the end to harassment of women in the workplace. “What about on buses?” asked her father.

9. According to a new poll, 59% disapprove of Trump’s handling of the presidency, the worst of any president at nine months in office since modern polling began. It’s the worst rating a Trump has received after just nine months since Eric was born.

10. Shalane Flanagan became the first American woman to win the New York City Marathon in 40 years on Sunday. Flanagan was able to maintain a blistering pace because right behind her was the eventual second place finisher, Harvey Weinstein.

11. Actor Alec Baldwin claims that he was told that Melanie Trump likes his impression of her husband on ‘Saturday Night Live.’ Specifically the part where she can mute him.

12. According to reports, President Trump urged his CIA Director Mike Pompeo to meet with former NSA-employee William Binney who circulated the debunked theory that the leak of Democratic Party emails last year was an inside job rather than a Russian cyberattack. That story again, Mike Pompeo met with a paranoid, conspiracy theorist and also William Binney.

13. The country of Indonesia plans to launch a new automated system to help block websites displaying content such as pornography or extremist ideology. That story again, Indonesia will no longer have the internet.

14. A noted Filipino artist is creating an action figure of President Donald Trump. And bad news ladies, it’s gonna have king-fu grip:

15. While speaking in China this week, President Trump said, “Don’t blame China. Who can blame a country for being able to take advantage of another country for the benefit of their citizens.” Adding, “Especially when Hillary Clinton is still around to blame.”

16. A substitute teacher at a Virginia school was charged with being drunk in public this week after students found him passed out at his desk. That story again, a substitute teacher was arrested for doing his job.

17. During a round of golf, Japan’s Prime Minister Shinzo Abe fell into a sand bunker but his playing partner, President Trump, didn’t seem to notice. Which isn’t surprising since Trump doesn’t seem to be aware that Eric’s head has been stuck in a staircase at Trump Tower for the past three years:

18. On Wednesday, police in Pennsylvania arrested a man who showed up to a local school intoxicated wanting to vote the day after the election. And it must have been one hell of a hangover because he showed up wanting to vote for Jimmy Carter.

19. President Trump’s long-time confidant Keith Schiller privately testified that he rejected a Russian offer to send five women to Trump’s hotel room during a 2013 trip to Moscow. Said Trump, “What am I going to do with five women? I only have two grabbing hands.”

20. The producers of the completed but unreleased Hollywood film “All the Money in the World” have chosen to remove Kevin Spacey from the movie, recast his role and reshoot his scenes following sexual misconduct allegations against the actor. And, in a sign of just how unpopular Spacey is now, they are replacing him with Jar Jar Binks.

May 2, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, the Canadian Post Office issued a limited edition series of seven Star Trek stamps. Said Star Trek fans, “I’ll have to ask my very real girlfriend who lives in Canada to buy me some.”

2. After being personally invited to the White House by President Trump, Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte said he may be too busy to visit. Or, as it is known here in the states, pulling a Melania.

3. According to reports, Ryan Seacrest will become Kelly Ripa’s permanent co-host on ‘Live with Kelly.’ “WHO!!!?!?!!!?” said Regis shouting into his rotary phone.

4. A Fox News contributor said in a lawsuit filed on Monday that she was taken off the air after writing an article about a medical condition that would likely leave her infertile. Doctors say the condition can be caused by genetics or prolonged exposure to Bill O’Reilly.

5. In a new interview, President Trump said, “People don’t realize, you know, the Civil War, if you think about it, why? People don’t ask that question, but why was there the Civil War?” I don’t know Donnie, why don’t you as your friend Frederick Douglass.

6. On Saturday, actor Leonardo DiCaprio joined a group of Native Americans and took part in the Climate March in Washington D.C. The march went noticeably better than the last time Leo hung out with a bunch of Indians:

7. According to reports, President Trump reversed his position on NAFTA after his Secretaries of Commerce and Agriculture showed him a map of the U.S. and pointed out the areas that would be affected. Of course, to keep his attention, they used this map:

8. BMW and MINI have developed a car that changes color based on the driver’s mood. Although, if you’re driving a MINI, I’m guessing depressed.

9. Last week, Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg surprised an Ohio family by showing up to their house for dinner. While, Tom from MySpace wants to know if there were any leftovers.

10. Over the weekend, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was spotted at a highway rest-stop waiting in line at a Cinnabon. Said the cashier, “Code red! I repeat, code red! This is not a drill!”

September 19, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yisrael Kristal, the world’s, oldest man is to finally have his bar mitzvah at the age of 113. And, in what can only be described as a very bold move, he’s already started planning his quinceanera.

2. Last week, a kindergarten student in New Jersey brought 30 packs of heroin to school in his lunchbox. Which means there’s a heroin dealer somewhere in Camden carrying around a briefcase full of Lunchables.

3. During his appearance on the “Dr. Oz” show last week, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said campaigning is “a form of exercise.” “So, maybe everything worked out for the best,” said Chris Christie.

4. During a speech last week, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump vowed that, if elected, he will crete 25 million jobs. Of course he will, because someone’s gonna have to do the work of the 25 million Americans who move to Canada.

5. A twelve-year-old Canadian boy who pulled a knife on another young boy while playing a game of basketball has been sentenced by a judge to play basketball at least five hours a week. Begging the questions, what kind of horrific crimes did the players on the 76ers commit to be relegated to that existence?

6. According to some unverified reports, Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte allegedly once shot dead a justice department agent with an Uzi submachine gun while mayor. Duterte objects to the reports, but only the ‘once’ part.

7. A Syrian rebel accidentally blew himself and his comrades up while taking a selfie with a phone. But, in his defense, I never know which button to press when taking a picture either.

8. An English teacher in Canada allegedly told a student: “Why don’t you lick me where I fart.” It’s good to hear that students are still be exposed to the masters like Shakespeare, Dickens and Dice Clay.

9. Rapper Coolio was arrested at LAX over the weekend after allegedly trying to board a plane with a loaded handgun. Luckily, the plane wasn’t delayed as another stewardess was able to fill in for him.

10. A Harvard professor published a paper supporting his theory that it is natural and normal for humans to be physically lazy. But, don’t hold your breath for a follow-up report from him.

September 9, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen tweeted out a picture of a cloud that resembled the Republican presidential nominee claiming that it was a sign from God. And, I gotta admit, that’s pretty incredible, that, after years of working closely with Trump, Cohen still believes there’s a God.

2. On Wednesday, Apple announced that Pokemon Go players have traveled a combined distance of 4.6 billion kilometers and then revealed that the game will soon be playable on the Apple watch. And, considering the love life of most Pokemon Go users, putting the distance counter on their wrists will dramatically increase that total.

3. Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump on Thursday said he was against the Iraq War all along despite telling radio host Howard Stern in 2002 that he favored it. So, now, even Donald Trump is calling Donald Trump a liar.

4. Actor Mel Gibson called the ‘Batman v. Superman’ movie “a piece of shit.” Suggesting a simple, quick fix to could have made it much better:
batman

5. North Korea has forbidden people from making sarcastic comments about Kim Jong Un or his totalitarian regime in their everyday conversations. That reminds me of that old adage, if you don’t have something nice to say, we’ll execute you.

6. On Thursday, while talking about the war in Syria, Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson made a political gaffe when he asked, “What’s Aleppo?” Said Donald Trump, “You idiot, it’s dog food.”

7. Yesterday, Playboy won a legal fight to stop a website from posting links to images published without their permission. So, now frequenters of that website will just have to find another way to see naked ladies on the internet.

8. The boyfriend of a 698 pound woman says he uses a funnel to feed to her in an effort to help her gain weight. Because, you know, it’s past Labor Day and bikini season’s over.

9. On Thursday, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton accused opponent Donald Trump of not taking the election seriously, saying, “It is a game to him, everything is a game.” Said Trump, “That’s simply not true, unless, of course you’re talking about my extremely successful Trump: The Game boardgame:
boardgame

10. A 60-year-old school janitor in the U.K. is engaged to a 18-year-old student. The student said it was a relief when she turned 18 and could finally come out of the janitor’s closet.

11. Parents in Indianapolis are upset that a Hustler store is opening up next to a Chuck E. Cheese. More accurately, mothers in Indianapolis are upset that a Hustler store is opening up next to a Chuck E. Cheese.

12. In an interview, Republican presidential Donald Trump said his opponent Hillary Clinton “doesn’t look presidential.” And he would know, no one is more presidential than him considering our founding fathers also had slaves, wore wigs and didn’t care about the black vote:
presidential

13. A briefcase containing $3 million in jewelry was stolen from rapper Drake’s tour bus. “I can relate,” said MC Hammer, “I live in my car, too.”

14. A Kansas man admitted to robbing a bank last week in order to go to jail to avoid his wife. Where, ironically, he became someone else’s wife.

15. 12-year-old Jeremy Shuler, an academic prodigy, is starting his freshman year at Cornell this fall. “Just a stab in the dark, but do they need a football coach over there?” said Jerry Sandusky.
 
16. During a speech last week, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said that America is like “the big bully that keeps getting beat up.” Which explains Trump’s new campaign slogan: Trump 2016 – Stop Hitting Yourself!
 
17. Last week, Latinos for Trump founder Marco Gutierrez said if Hillary Clinton wins the presidency “there will be taco trucks on every corner.” And, after all the indignities, it’s crazy to think, that was the thing that made Chris Christie switch his vote.

18. On Friday, an education official in the Philippines said that starting next year the country will begin testing all incoming college freshmen for drugs. “Well, we had a good run,” said liberal arts schools.

19. Last week, a woman in the U.K. broke the silence during a sombre courtroom proceeding by farting very loudly. The incident was tough on everyone in the courtroom, especially the stenographer.

20. Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence said he will release his tax returns this week. “Yeah, those are from both of us,” said Trump.

December 22, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Steve Harvey, the host of the 2015 Miss Universe pageant, mistakenly announced Miss Colombia as the winner before correcting the mistake and announcing that the crown really belonged to Miss Philippines. You’d think the one thing Harvey, who has hosted Family Feud for the past five years, would be good at is reading a list in the correct order.

2. Steve Harvey, the host of the 2015 Miss Universe pageant, mistakenly announced the wrong winner on Sunday, who then had to hand over the crown to a very surprised Miss Philippines. Which is a much better surprise than what is typical associated with a “Miss” from the Philippines.

3. Sunday night, Miss Colombia was briefly named the winner of the 2015 Miss Universe pageant before host Steve Harvey corrected himself and said the real winner was Miss Philippines. But don’t feel too bad Miss Colombia, as with every pageant, the real loser was women’s rights.

4. Sunday night, Miss Colombia was briefly named the winner of the 2015 Miss Universe pageant before host Steve Harvey corrected himself and said the real winner was Miss Philippines. At which point Miss Colombia went ape-shit and had the Miss Congeniality crowned stripped from her as well.

5. The first Donald Trump-less Miss Universe pageant ended in controversy when host Steve Harvey accidentally read the wrong name. But there truly were no losers since, for the first time in years, no contestant was forced to sleep with Donald Trump.

6. Steve Harvey, the host of the 2015 Miss Universe pageant, mistakenly announced the wrong winner on Sunday. Begging the question, is Harvey in charge of the Republican presidential polling as well, because that would go a long way in explaining the frontrunner.

7. Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton on Saturday said that as president she would probably still pick out the dinnerware and flowers for state occasions and send her husband, former president Bill Clinton, on special missions. Missions like going out to pick up some milk, from which, Bill will arrive home, two hours later, covered in glitter and without milk.

8. Senator Lindsey Graham dropped out of the 2016 Republican presidential race on Monday. Graham’s resignation served as a great reminder that he was apparently still running for president.

9. Yesterday, Nestle announced that it will sell 500 gold-wrapped Kit Kat bars starting at the end of this month. So if you live in an house where all your grandparents are forced to share one bed, get a fucking job!

10. Yesterday, Chelsea Clinton tweeted that she is pregnant with her second child. In response, Hillary Clinton said she was overjoyed since that what the polls told her was the appropriate reaction.

November 10, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson said he would like to have a drink with Jesus. Although, if he truly is a fiscal conservative, he’ll order two glasses of water and let Jesus take it from there.

2. Pope Francis had to be helped up the steps to an altar at a Roman basilica on Monday, the second time he has fallen publicly since Saturday. Sounds like the Pope has been partying with Jimmy Fallon.

3. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie vetoed a legislative package aimed at rescuing Atlantic City just before a deadline to act on Monday. Christie said he decided to veto the bill after he found out that other places had buffets.

4. On Monday, President Obama joined Facebook. “Obama’s on Facebook? I gotta delete some stuff off my feed!” said your uncle.

5. According to a new report, good evidence on the safety of silicone gel breast implants is still lacking almost 10 years after they were reintroduced to the U.S. market. “I’m gathering data as fast as I can,” said Bill Clinton.

6. On Monday, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush told the Huffington Post that, if given the opportunity, he would go back in time and kill baby Hitler. And, to make his life a little easier today, he would also go back in time and vote for Gore.

7. In what many called a surprise win, Filipina Trixie Maristela was crowned Miss International Queen 2015 at a contest in Thailand billed as the world’s largest transgender pageant. Although no one was as surprised as Trixie’s longtime boyfriend, Mark.

8. 50-year-old retired wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin told the Dallas Morning News he could quarterback the Cowboys until Tony Romo return from injury. And, in future news, New York Giant quarterback Eli Manning is out with a concussion after he rolled out on a 3rd and long and was hit over the head with a folding chair.

9. Iran’s supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei clarified the meaning of the common chant “Death to America,” saying that it does not mean death to America but instead refers to America’s policies. Kinda like how you’ve stopped trying to correct your grandpa when he says something racist in favor of just waiting for him to die.

10. In a recent interview, Joe Lacob, owner of the Golden State Warriors, implied that he and his wife involved the team’s recent NBA championship trophy in their sex life. Lacob said it’s insurance that if at some point in the future the NBA determines the team cheated and wants to expunge their championship from the record books, they won’t ask for the trophy back.