Monologue Jokes – March 3, 2020

1. This week McDonald’s announced that it will sell a limited edition six-pack of candles that smell like Quarter Pounder ingredients including ketchup, pickles, cheese, onion and beef. So, your move, Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina. 

2. A man in Wisconsin was arrested last week for allegedly stealing chicken wings and condoms from a Walmart. He was either planning one hell of a night or I’ve been eating chicken wings wrong. 

3. Officials at a library in California are upset after recently discovering that an adult film was shot in the building. And if they’re upset by that, maybe they shouldn’t check the library computer’s search history. 

4. Last week, a U.K. patient underwent brain surgery while playing a violin. Look, if I want to listen to a musician with a brain injury play an instrument, I’d go to a Ted Nugent concert.

5. This week, Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg revealed, that even though his mother passed away several years ago at the age of 102, he still pays for her home’s phone line so he can call and hear her voice on the answering machine. Because nothing’s more relatable with today’s electorate than needless expenses and landlines. 

6. This week, Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg revealed, that even though his mother passed away several years ago at the age of 102, he still pays for her home’s phone line so he can call and hear her voice on the answering machine. He’s also opened up a quaint bed and breakfast with her as well:

7. According to reports, former Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein was in good spirits on Tuesday, as he accepted visitors at a Manhattan hospital, despite having been convicted a day earlier of sexual assault and rape. Said an elated Weinstein, “All I have to do is press this button and legally the nurse has to give me a sponge bath.” 

8. A soccer player in France has been suspended for five years after biting the penis of an opponent during an altercation after a match. He was also given a red card for using his hands to cup the balls.

9. It was reported this week that Steven Spielberg’s daughter Mikaela is making pornographic movies. “Oh God, that’s awful. Why would anyone put that on film?” said people after watching ‘Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull.’ 

10. According to a new study, erectile dysfunction pills can permanently distort one’s vision. “His or mine?” said a very hopeful Melania.

11. Three dolphins have been shot or stabbed in Florida since May. Police have named their top suspect, a Ray Finkle: 

12. During a rally, President Donald Trump ridiculed South Korean film “Parasite” winning the Best Picture Oscar, telling a campaign rally he wished for the return of Hollywood classics like “Gone with the Wind.” And you know Trump really hated that movie if he’s taking the side of wind:

13. On Wednesday, the Broadway play “To Kill a Mockingbird” was performed at Madison Square Garden for 18,000 public school students. “Oh, thank God!” said the students once they realized they were watching a three-hour long play based on a book written in the 1950s about race relations and not the Knicks.

14. Disney has announced a new partnership with the plant-based meat company Impossible Foods to offer the Impossible Burger at their resorts and parks. “Just in time,” said Eeyore:

15. A man in Florida was recently arrested at an IHOP restaurant for allegedly asking customers if they wanted to see his genitals. “But I asked this time?!?!?!” said a very confused Louis CK.

16. Despite potentially facing more than two decades in prison, Harvey Weinstein is “not giving up on life,” according to his spokesman. “Man, this guy really is bad at taking ‘No’ for an answer,” said Life.

17. Doctors are warning that putting potatoes up your butt won’t cure hemorrhoids. So I guess it was something else that cured my hemorrhoids.

18. This week, President Trump appointed Vice President Mike Pence to lead the federal task force to get to the bottom of the coronavirus. And, in future news, the coronavirus is caused by gays.

19. According to a spokesman, after his conviction, Harvey Weinstein is going “stir crazy” sitting in his hospital room. But, in Weinstein defense, you’d be pretty stir crazy too if you were trapped in a room with just Harvey Weinstein.

March 10, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A group of engineers have determined that it would cost $852,000,000,000,000,000 to build the Death Star from ‘Star Wars’ in the real world. Although, Trump is pretty sure he can negotiate it down allowing his administration to build it for much less.

2. To fund his promised border wall, President Trump is considering budget cuts to the TSA and Coast Guard. And, in order to keep another of his campaign promises, he is officially changing the name of the TSA and the Coast Guard to Mexico.

3. A book entitled “Reasons to Vote for Democrats” which consists of just 266 blank pages is a number one bestseller on Amazon. Not surprising, since it combines two things that Trump supporters love, trolling liberals and not reading.

4. Famed astrophysicist Stephen Hawking’s newest prediction is that aggression will cause the end of the human race. That or stairs.

5. This week, an anonymous NFL executive said free agent quarterback Colin Kaepernick is “an embarrassment to football.” So I guess the Cleveland Browns will just have to come up with a new slogan.

6. On Wednesday, China gave the Trump organization trademark approval to open Trump branded massage parlors and escort services. Well, at least one Trump branded product will result in a happy ending:

7. According to a new study, 1 in 4 high schoolers model their future career off of something they saw on TV or in the movies. Which explains why, in the 90s, there was a dramatic increase in pet detectives.

8. A California high school, that was an early investor in Snapchat, has turned a $15,000 investment into a $24 million payout. When asked to figure out how much the school made on its investment, students said, “Fuck math, we’re rich!”

9. The performer contract for the upcoming SXSW music festival in Austin, Texas appears to contain a clause allowing the festival to deport unruly international artists. Begging the question, how can we convince Canadian-born Justin Bieber to perform at SXSW?

10. According to reports, the Trump administration is considering a new proposal that would separate women and children who illegally cross the U.S. border together. It’s like Trump stopped watching every Superman movie halfway through and said, “You know, that Lex Luther has some good ideas.”

11. According to reports, the Trump administration is considering a new proposal that would separate parents and children who illegally cross the U.S. border together. And, in unrelated news, Trump has invited Tiffany on a daddy-daughter trip to Mexico.

12. A company is selling a ‘smart condom,’ which is being advertised as a FitBit for you penis that measures performance during sex. So now your wife and you smartphone can be disappointed in you.

13. Last week, the American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists advised doctors to wait at least 30 to 60 seconds after birth before clamping and cutting the umbilical cord. Because the hospital does have a strict “You break it, you buy it” policy.

14. Tesla CEO Elon Musk is holding an open competition for fans to come up with a car commercial for the company after fifth-grader Bria Loveday told him to do so in a letter. Said little Bria, “Damn, if I knew he would listen to me I would have asked for a car.”

15. In a new interview, former NFL quarterback Tim Tebow said he wants to adopt a kid from every continent. “Wow, nine kids is a lot,” said Gronk.

16. A California man, angry about his divorce, set his house on fire. Said his ex-wife, “Half of those ashes are mine!”

17. According to new research, oral sex is good for women’s health, finding that seminal fluid contains chemicals that elevate mood, increase affection, induce sleep and contain at least three anti-depressants. “Still no,” said the researchers’ wives.

18. An man in Austin, Texas was arrested over the weekend for indecent exposure after having sex with a fence. Said the man, “I miss understood when you told me to paint that fence white.”