August 8, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. The CW’s upcoming superhero TV show “Legends of Tomorrow” will reportedly feature a Muslim superhero. And, just like Superman, she will be able to fly, but only after undergoing extra screening from the TSA.

2. According to a new report, the aviation industry could save $35 billion a year by moving to pilotless planes. Or, more likely, they’ll just start charging you an extra fee for having a pilot.

3. North Korea’s Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un on Monday vowed to continue building his country’s nuclear arsenal and threatened to unleash “thousands-fold” revenge against the U.S. Coincidentally, “thousands-fold” is also Jong Un’s body-type:

4. Despite polling to the contrary, Monday morning the president tweeted that “the Trump base is far bigger and stronger than ever before.” And, looking at the evidence, it’s hard to disagree:

5. Actor Robert Pattinson is being praised by PETA for refusing to masturbate a dog for a recent movie role. Which, I guess explains, why Pattinson never got the role of Shaggy:

6. On Monday, a Twitter account that praised the president and was retweeted by Trump himself, was deleted after it was revealed to be a fake person. In response, Trump retweeted Eric hoping to get the same result.

7. According to a new study, women who have bigger butts are less susceptible to heart attacks, strokes and diabetes. So, I guess before he was knighted, he was Dr. Mix-a-Lot.

8. Fired U.S. Attorney for Manhattan, Preet Bharara, announced on Monday that he is starting a podcast. So, it turns out, no matter how powerful you are, everyone handles unemployment the exact same way.

9. A sex toy company has set up a pop-up a location in downtown Manhattan that allows women to try out $150 vibrators. Thus allowing men in the area to set up ‘pop-ups’ of their own.

10. According to a report, the immigrant great-grandmother of White House aide Stephen Miller, who is a vocal proponent instituting a language requirement on all U.S. immigrants, came to this country not speaking English. Although, I’m certain, if she were alive today, she’d definitely know the word ‘douchebag’:

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