September 29, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, the price of gold went down and the value of the Mexican peso went up. And you thought Donald Trump had a rough Monday.

2. There’s a new brand of coffee that promises to give men erections. Thus, giving knew meaning to the phrase, “If I drink that, I’ll be up all night.”

3. Three former officials of Kenya’s disbanded Olympic committee were charged on Wednesday with theft and fraud offences relating to this year’s Games in Rio de Janeiro. The court should probably set bail pretty high because I can’t think of anyone more of a flight risk than a bunch of Kenyans.
4. Last weekend, thousands attended Libya’s first ever Comic-Con. Convention goers dressed up as their favorite comic book characters including Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman:

5. At a campaign rally on Tuesday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump characterized his opponent Hillary Clinton as “stuck in the past.” He realizes his campaign slogan has the word ‘again’ in it, right?

6. On Wednesday, Forbes pegged Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s fortune at $3.7 billion, not the $10 billion that Trump claimed. But, in Trump’s defense, it looks a lot bigger in his hands.

7. According to reports, actor Alec Baldwin will portray Donald Trump this season on “Saturday Night Live.” But if that’s true, who will play the role of future President Jim Webb?:

8. In a recent interview, Miley Cyrus claimed that she was the least paid actor on the “Hannah Montana” TV series. Wait, people got paid for that? I just assumed everyone involved lost a bet or something.

9. A 21-year-old Australian man has been bitten by a venomous spider on the penis for a second time. Because, as everyone knows, once you go black widow you don’t go back, kiddo.

10. In a recent interview, actress Courtney Cox said her friend Jennifer Aniston was not involved in any part of the recent split between Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Because as any sports fan will tell you, celebrating when you team wins doesn’t mean you were involved in the win.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.