November 30, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Despite settled Supreme Court precedent, President-elect Donald Trump proposed on Tuesday a penalty, including possible jail time or loss of citizenship, for burning the American flag. Which is ludicrous because some flags need to be burned:trump-flag

2. Emma Morano, thought to be the world’s oldest person and the last to be born in the 1800s, celebrated her 117th birthday on Tuesday. She celebrated by blinking.

3. On Tuesday, an 8-month-old baby was found unscathed in the middle of a highway in Arkansas, after being ejected from a car during a crash. Authorities called the baby a miracle while Casey Anthony called the baby a challenge.

4. Yesterday, a woman opened the emergency exit door and jumped out of a plane as it was taxiing down a runway in Houston. Said a representative for Delta, “In the future we won’t announce that ‘Batman v. Superman’ is our inflight movie until we’re actually in the air.”

5. An Ohio woman arrested in a prostitution sting told an undercover cop that her price for oral sex was $50 and a plate of nachos. Of course, it costs extra if you want to touch her taco.

6. One of Michelle Obama’s go-to fashion designers has announced she will refuse to dress incoming First Lady Melania Trump. Said Melania, “Any word from her speech writers?”

7. The provocative author who wrote a book alleging corruption between the Clintons and their philanthropy now says he sees similar conflicts of interest between Donald Trump and his business now that he’s President-elect. “Oh, now you do!” screamed Hillary Clinton into her rage pillow.

8. Last week, Juergen Klinsmann was fired as head coach of the U.S. men’s national soccer team. Although, it seems like they could have done it in a more sympathic way:referee

9. Last week, President-elect Donald Trump told ‘The New York Times’ that he “really likes” President Obama. Trump went on to say he finds Rosie O’Donnell “quite attractive.”

10. Sutter Home Winery sued Shmaltz Brewing Company on Monday, accusing the brewery of infringing its “Menage a Trois” trademark by selling a 12-pack of its beers with the “MANNAge a Trois” name. Oh come on, why don’t you two just kiss and make-up. Yeah, that’s nice, now smell her hair a little bit…

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