October 20, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last night Donald Trump refused to give his word that he will accept the results of the upcoming presidential election. “Yeah, he’s not great at taking ‘no’ for an answer,” said eight separate women and a ‘People’ magazine reporter.

2. During last night’s presidential debate, Donald Trump said he was pro-life and against “ripping babies from the womb.” Well, there goes at least one excuse Trump could have given as to why he’s been grabbing women by the genitals.

3. During last night’s presidential debate, Hillary Clinton called Donald Trump a puppet of the Russian government. I don’t know if that’s true, but if it is, I’d guess he’s this puppet:
oscar

4. According to reports, Donald Trump and campaign advisor Roger Ailes are no longer on speaking terms, but the reason why remains unclear. Although, if I had to guess, I would say they couldn’t agree on who gets first dibs on groping female staffers.

5. Yesterday, a jury in Los Angeles found New York Knicks point guard Derrick Rose not guilty on accusations of rape. Proving right all those sports experts who said, coming out of college, Rose would be the next Kobe.

6. For the first time in decades, kids’ superhero costumes are outselling kids’ princess costumes for Halloween. “Superman, Batman, Spiderman. I can’t wait to collect them all,” said Jerry Sandusky.
 
7. According to a growing body of evidence, exercise could improve erectile dysfunction. And, if that’s the case, please wipe off your machine.

8. During Wednesday night’s presidential debate, Donald Trump proclaimed that Vladimir Putin is not his best friend. “Really, then who has the other half of this?” asked a heartbroken Putin:
putin

9. According to a recently released WikiLeak email, Hillary Clinton included Starbucks CEO Howard Shultz on a short-list of potential vice president nominees. But who needs that boost of caffeine when you have the naturally high-energy dynamo that is Tim Kaine.

10. According to a recently released WikiLeak email, Hillary Clinton included Apple CEO Tim Cook and Microsoft founder Bill Gates on a short-list of potential vice president nominees. I guess she settled on the position of VP for the tech giants because the role of email deleter was already filled.

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