October 21, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Wednesday night, Donald Trump’s eldest son, Donald Trump Jr., said that his father’s pursuit of the presidency represented a “step down” from the Republican nominee’s business career. “No one said there would be steps involved,” said a winded Chris Christie.
 
2. Wednesday night, Donald Trump’s eldest son, Donald Trump Jr., said that his father’s pursuit of the presidency represented a “step down” from the Republican nominee’s business career. Trump equated it to going from an Ivanka to a Tiffany.
 
3. Wednesday night, Donald Trump’s eldest son, Donald Trump Jr., said that his father’s pursuit of the presidency represented a “step down” from the Republican nominee’s business career. Hey, Don, your father’s pursuit of the presidency represented a step down for everyone.
 
4. On Thursday, insurance giant MetLife announced that it will no longer be using Snoopy, Charlie Brown or any other members of the Peanuts gang in its ad campaigns. Although, it seems like they could have broke the news to Charlie in a nicer way:
charlie-brown

5. After Wednesday night’s third presidential debate, actor Stephen Baldwin, speaking about his brother Alec’s portrayal of Donald Trump on SNL, said, “I don’t think it’s very funny. I don’t think there’s anything funny about this election.” And Stephen knows a little something about unfunny, he starred in ‘Bio-Dome.’
 
6. According to the Center for Disease Control, last year reported cases of STDs reached a record high in America. And, in possibly related news, last year Ben Affleck got divorced.

7. On Thursday, zoo officials announced that Bao Bao, the female giant panda, will leave the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. next year and move to China under a breeding agreement. Although, maybe Bao Bao would have gotten more action stateside if you stopped referring to her as a ‘giant’ panda.

8. A truck competing in a NASCAR race this Saturday in Talladega will be covered in the Trump Pence 2016 campaign logo. Also representing the Trump campaign, any truck that catches on fire and continues to run the race.

9. A man in the U.K. is standing trial on child cruelty charges for farting in a boy’s face. He’s lawyer plans to go with the notorious “whoever smelt it, dealt it” defense.

10. A cooking class in the U.K. is teaching students how to cook with their own semen. “I knew this tasted familiar,” said Paris Hilton.

11. A cooking class in the U.K. is teaching students how to cook with their own semen. The first step in every recipe is to “whisk well.”

12. An New Jersey high school student was injured when she jumped out a second-story window to avoid taking a test Wednesday morning. She didn’t think she would get injured, so, I guess, either way, she failed her physics test.
 
13. Ringling Brothers is upset that people constantly refer to this year’s presidential election as ‘a circus.’ Although, referring to Donald Trump as a ‘three-ring circus’ is not inaccurate:
trump-weddings

14. According to a new study, New York is the second most rat infested city in America. And, I for one, blame this entirely on lazy bodega cats.

15. Malaysian Airlines is in talks to rent out its A380 superjumbos to religious travel groups for Haj and Umrah pilgrimages. Which is a great idea because, even in the worst case scenario, they’ll just get to Mecca quicker.

16. According to a new poll, 36% of Colorado residents said they would kill someone for money. So, for the love of God, will someone please check on the other 64%.
 
17. Scores of cat enthusiasts painted their faces and dressed up in elaborate and colorful feline costumes to celebrate Japan’s annual ghost cat festival. The ghost cat festival or, as it is known in Japan, the Goodbye Kitty festival.
 
18. Samantha Holvey, a former Miss Universe contestant from North Carolina, claims that then-pageant owner Donald Trump personally inspected each woman before the contest. Or, as Melania knows it, a first date.

19. A new report claims, more than 1,300 elderly people go missing in China every day. And, in a unrelated story, Princes Charles has graciously bought his mother, Queen Elizabeth, and all-expenses paid vacation to China.

20. Last week, a man in the U.K. had to have his penis amputated after getting it stuck for four days in bottle he was using as sex toy. But, on the plus-side, he now has a full bottle of shampoo.

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