October 21, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 10/21/2019 by prejectedjokes

1. According to a new study, owning a dog is tied to lowering your risk of dying early by 24%. Counterpoint:

2. This week, NASA astronauts Jessica Meir and Christina Koch conducted the first all-female spacewalk. On a congratulatory call, President Trump praised them as “brave, brave women,” while Vice President Pence said “you’re still too close.”

3. This week, the Paris zoo unveiled an unusual organism, nicknamed ‘the blob,’ which can heal itself and has 720 sexes. “A gross amorphous creature that has a lot of sex, nicknamed ‘the blob’? You’ll be hearing from my lawyers,” said Harvey Weinstein.

4. In a recent interview, Packers legend Brett Favre said he believes he stayed in the NFL too long. He said the warning signs included constant headaches, significant memory loss, and agreeing to be the Jets quarterback:

5. According to a recent report, concussions increased by 44% during this year’s NFL preseason. But, on the plus-side, that means around half of the Miami Dolphins won’t remember this season.

6. A Florida man was reportedly arrested last week for trying to get an alligator drunk after his pals captured the reptile. Even worse, that gator was their designated driver.

7. Last week, a man walked 351 miles to have sex with a 14-year-old girl who turned out to be an undercover cop. So ladies, he’s single and into fitness.

8. Australia recently refused entry to a Vietnamese woman for failing to declare 22 pounds of raw pork, seafood and poultry upon her arrival in Sydney. “Where were you guys eleven hours ago?” said the guy who sat next to her on the plane ride over.

9. Temperatures in Colorado plunged 64 degrees on Thursday last week. The last time the temperature dropped that quickly, Ann Coulter walked into the room.

10. Native New Yorker Alec Baldwin got scammed by a ticket seller in New York City. Oh no, did he get tricked into attending a live taping of the new “Match Game”?:

11. Actor Jonah Hill reportedly turned down an offer to play the Penguin in the upcoming Batman movie. Apparently Jonah rejected the role because he didn’t want to lose weight.

12. The Trump White House on Tuesday rejected an impeachment inquiry launched by Democrats in the House of Representatives as “constitutionally invalid.”. But, on the plus-side, that means this administration has at least heard of the Constitution.

13. An Oklahoma woman is recovering after she was shot in the leg when her dog stepped on a loaded handgun. Said Rover, “No. You fetch!”

14. According to a new report, nearly two-thirds of North American birds will go extinct due to global warming. “Good,” said President Trump:

15. President Trump said on Thursday he does not know the two associates of his personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani who were arrested, even if they are in a picture with him. Which is true, just because they are in a picture with him, doesn’t mean Donald knows them, for instance, he has no idea who these people are:

16. According to prosecutors, the two associates of Rudy Giuliani who were arrested last week, had purchased one-way airline tickets out of the U.S. “So there are at least two open seats on that flight?” asked Mike and Karen Pence.

17. According to CNN, Rudy Giuliani is still the President’s attorney but will not be dealing with matters involving Ukraine. So it’s back to the basics for Giuliani, paying off pornstars.

18. Newly revealed court documents allege that actor Cuba Gooding Jr asked a stranger to “sit on [his] face and pee in [his] mouth” after groping her. But, on the plus-side, at least this time he asked first.

September 23, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 09/23/2019 by prejectedjokes

1. A documentary about alleged sexual abuse by Michael Jackson won an Emmy on Saturday. In response, the estate of Michael Jackson said the late singer would be horrified by the award, mainly because it wasn’t a Kid’s Choice Award.

2. According to a new report, Triple Crown winning horse Justify failed a drug test last year and should not have been allowed to run in the Kentucky Derby. As a result, officials have given the rescinded the first place trophy and awarded to the runner-up:

3. A Pennsylvania couple is facing felony theft charges after their bank accidentally put $120,000 in their account, and the couple spent it instead of contacting the bank. Yikes, if spending money you didn’t earn is illegal, the starting lineup for the New York Knicks better lawyer up.

4. According to a recent article, DC comics is planning to introduce a black Batman. And of course his alter ego, Bruce Wayans:

5. When asked why his administration plans to weaken federal rules that force Americans to energy-efficient light bulbs, President Trump said he is not a fan of the bulbs because, “I always look orange.” So fair warning he’s probably coming after you next mirrors.

6. A Six Flags theme park in Maryland has announced a new promotion in which visitors spend 30 hours inside a coffin to win a pair of season passes. “I won what contest now?” said Stephen Miller.

7. Last week, reporters asked President Trump and the First Lady what they told their teenage son Baron about vaping. Melania said it was “dangerous and could lead to death,” while Donald said “I have a teenage son?”

8. This week, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau publicly apologized for wearing blackface on multiple occasions in his past. And to demonstrate that his apology was sincere and heartfelt, he made the announcement in sad blackface.

9. Last week, Scientists from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology discovered the blackest black ever. “Get MIT on the phone,” yelled Justin Trudeau to his secretary.

10. Following her rally in New York Monday night, Senator Elizabeth Warren spent four taking selfies with supporters. So did New York City mayor Bill de Blasio, but only because it took him four hours to find a supporter to take a selfie with.

11. President Trump awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom to record-setting reliever Mariano Rivera on Monday. That story again, a New York institution was awarded a medal by a New Yorker who should be institutionalized.

12. British police on Friday arrested a man suspected of hacking famous music acts to steal unreleased songs and sell them for cryptocurrency. They also arrested the Spice Girls for releasing their own music.

13. The University of Alabama is penalizing students for leaving college football games before the beginning of the fourth quarter. But, in their defense, they’re from Alabama, there’s a good chance they thought there were only three quarters.

14. This week, Hilaria Baldwin announced she is pregnant again, it will be her fifth child with husband Alec Baldwin. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, Alec, leave that poor woman alone.

15. President Donald Trump named Robert O’Brien on Wednesday as his latest White House national security adviser, picking an experienced negotiator who has worked to secure the release of hostages. “He got my letters!” said an enthusiastic Melania.

16. The world’s first vagina museum is set to open in London. The price of admission is two dinners and a weekend upstate at a cozy bed and breakfast.

17. According to reports, a whistleblower complaint has been filed against President Trump alleging he made inappropriate comments while on the phone with the President of Ukraine. No word on whether President Trump will face consequences, but for some reason Billy Bush was fired again.

18. In a recent interview, former Detroit Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson said he smoked marijuana after every game of his NFL career. “Oh, after, that’s much smarter,” said the entire roster of the New York Jets.

19. An American Airlines flight was forced to make an unscheduled stop after a male passenger became unruly, punching seats, yelling at other passengers and smoking cigarettes. Or, as Shia Labeouf calls it, a career.

September 21, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 09/21/2018 by prejectedjokes

1. DC comics has put out a new issue of “Batman” that contains a glimpse of Batman’s penis. I saw it and all I’ll say is he’s no Stretch Armstrong.

2. DC comics has put out a new issue of “Batman” that contains a glimpse of Batman’s penis. “I remember it being much bigger,” said Robin.

3. Polish President Andrzej Duda urged President Donald Trump on Tuesday during a joint news conference to deploy more US troops and military equipment to Poland, even suggesting the US establish a permanent military base and name it “Fort Trump.” “Name’s already taken,” said Eric:

4. Actor Tom Arnold is accusing reality producer Mark Burnett of attacking him at a pre-Emmys party Sunday night. That is a crazy story, who is inviting Tom Arnold to an Emmys party?

5. SpaceX revealed Monday that Japanese billionaire Yusaku Maezawa will be its first space tourist. So congratulations to Mr. Maezawa and an even bigger congratulations to his immediate heirs.

6. JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon on Sunday said he regretted comments that he was “smarter” than President Trump. In response, President Trump said JP Morgan is a loser who was never funny on “30 Rock.”

7. China has arrested a 17-year-old junior high school dropout who pretended to be a billionaire, gave himself fake titles and posted Photoshopped pictures of himself with world leaders. Authorities knew something was amiss when they saw this picture:

8. This week, Soon-Yi broke her silence giving an interview where she accused her adopted mother Mia Farrow of abusing her emotionally and physically as a child. “That’s no way to treat a child,” said a judge to Woody Allen.

9. Soon-Yi has broken her silence to defend husband Woody Allen and accuse her adopted mother Mia Farrow of abusing her emotionally and physically as a child. Said Woody, “It’s unthinkable that Mia could abuse her when she was child, especially because she was such a hot little child.”

10. Tuesday was National Be Late for Something day. So, if you didn’t celebrate, you still got time.

11. Julie Chen, the wife of former CBS CEO Leslie Moonves, is stepping down from role as host of CBS’s “The Talk.” In response, Moonves said he regrets that these allegations have forced his wife to leave her job and also that he won’t be around to sexually harass whatever hot chick they find to replace her.

12. In Stormy Daniel’s soon-to-be-released memoir, she described President Trump’s penis saying, “He knows he has an unusual penis.” Begging the question, do you know how weird that penis has to be to stand out as weird on that body?

13. President Donald Trump on Monday praised Judge Brett Kavanaugh as “one of the finest people that I’ve ever known” in his first public comments since the Supreme Court nominee was publicly accused of sexual assault. And when you think about the people that he knows, he’s probably right:

14. On Thursday, Hawaiian Airlines announced the launch of “the longest regularly scheduled domestic route in US history,” an 11-hour flight between Boston and Honolulu. But, since the inflight movie is ‘The Emoji Movie’, it will feel a lot longer.

15. A student pilot is in custody after he allegedly hopped a security fence early Thursday at Florida’s Orlando International Airport, boarded a passenger jet that was undergoing maintenance, and attempted to take-off. But can you really fault anyone who’s just trying to get the hell out of Orlando?

16. Spanish Foreign Minister Josep Borrell claims that President Trump suggested Spain should build a wall across the Sahara desert to deal with the issue of migration from Africa. But I’m calling bullshit because there’s no way Trump knows the Sahara Desert is in Africa.

17. A New York prisoner known for drawings golf courses was set free Wednesday after nearly three decades behind bars. A convicted felon who loves golf, is it possible to be over-qualified to be a part of the Trump White House?

18. A woman in Kentucky was arrested this weekend and charged with assault of an officer after she reportedly “released her bowels” on her arrested officer. Said the woman, “Oh sure, when I do it, I get arrested, but when Al Roker does it, he gets invited to the White House”:

19. A federal judge will not force Georgia to use paper ballots for the November election, citing the potential for last-minute confusion. “That is confusing,” said most Georgia residents looking at a pencil and paper.

20. This week, while speaking about Hurricane Florence, President Trump said, “it’s one of the wettest we have ever seen from the standpoint of water.” Later in that a day, Trump had one of the wettest lunches we have ever seen from the standpoint of gravy.

July 24, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 07/24/2017 by prejectedjokes

1. The U.S. will reportedly ban Americans from traveling to North Korea. That story again, Dennis Rodman will have to find a new way to desperately seek attention.

2. Over the weekend, actor Ben Affleck confirmed that he will continue to portray Batman in upcoming films. Which explains this recent photo:

3. The legal Bunny Ranch brothel in Nevada has offered O.J. Simpson a job as a greeter. Of course, if he accepts, it won’t be the first time he’s in a room covered in other people’s DNA, allegedly.

4. On Friday, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer resigned. Spicer said he is hoping that his previous, more dignified job is still available:

5. On Friday, newly hired White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci quietly deleted old tweets that were critical of President Trump and his policies. “Wait, you can delete old tweets!?!” asked Trump:

6. While promoting his upcoming movie at Comic Con, actor Will Smith said seeing ‘Star Wars’ for the first time was better than having sex. Said fans in attendance dressed up as their favorite Star Wars character, “I guess we’ll just have to take your word for it.”

7. An angry pregnant wife in Vietnam attacked her cheating husband’s mistress by allegedly forcing red-hot chili peppers into her vagina. “Wow, the acoustics in here are great!” said the Red Hot Chili Peppers:

8. Police in San Francisco said a man was mugged and the two assailants made off with his ventriloquist dummy. Police are hoping to track down the muggers to thank them.

9. A 22-year-old named Fellony Hudson is accused of felony kidnapping, felony eluding and felony possession of a stolen car. And don’t even ask what his brother Sodomy Hudson is being charged with.

10. Kellyanne Conway said Sunday that CNN made a “business decision” to be “unfair” to President Trump. Just like Conway made a business decision to give that apple to Snow White.

July 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 07/17/2017 by prejectedjokes

1. Last Friday, a truck hauling eels over-tuned on an Oregon highway. But that’s still not the slimiest thing that’s happened on a road recently:

2. Hillary Clinton’s unused election night confetti has been repurposed and put into snow globes. There was a lot of confetti to begin with and, then, after the results came in, Hillary made some of her own:

3. According to a new study, Indonesia is the laziest country in the world. Asked what they thought of the study, the people of Indonesia said, “We’ll read it later.”

4. Last week, President Trump said his long-promised border wall will have “openings” to see through. Said Trump, “It’ll be just like the walls I built backstage for the Miss Teen USA Pageant.”

5. Russian President Vladimir Putin said on Friday that he hoped for further dialogue with President Trump after their meeting in Germany earlier this month. That story again, Putin waited the customary four days before asking for a second date.

6. According to a new study, men named Wayne are most likely to cheat on their partners. “I wish you had told me that before he broke my heart,” said Robin:

7. Pope Francis has a ‘No Whining’ sign on the door to his residence in the Vatican. Even worse, during confessional, he frequently tells church-goers to “grow a pair.”

8. Shaquille O’Neal wants to own 100 Krispy Kreme donut shops. And, apparently, he’s been letting his buddy Charles Barkley do the research:

9. United Airlines is considering a new system to resell your seat for a higher price in exchange for a reward. But, if you think about it, isn’t not having to fly United reward enough?

10. Due to low passing rates, the state of California said it will make its bar exam easier to pass. Which is good news, because at the rate in which the Trump White House is hiring attorneys, we’re gonna running out real soon.

April 12, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 04/12/2017 by prejectedjokes

1. The customer in Florida who bought a salad at a local Walmart that contained a decomposed bat actually ate some of the salad before discovering the bat. So now he’s scared of bats and salads which sounds like the origin story for Fat Batman.

2. In a new interview, Eric Trump said his father’s decision to bomb Syria was influenced by his sister Ivanka being “heartbroken and outraged” over the recent chemical attacks. So, heads-up, Nordstrom.

3. On Tuesday, Caitlyn Jenner announced that she underwent genital surgery in January. The weird thing is she had surgery to make it bigger.

4. A group of Japanese scientists said they plan to be the first group to successfully drill into the Earth’s mantle which lies just beneath the outer crust. Although, if they want to be first they better hurry up because Sean Spicer has been digging himself a pretty big hole everyday.

5. This week E! announced that Kylie Jenner is getting her own spin-off reality TV show. That story again, the popular MTV show “Teen Mom” is getting a prequel.

6. Hundreds of condoms that clogged a city sewer pipe led police to raid a massage parlor in Texas and arrest two people for prostitution. So let that be a lesson to all you kids out there, never use a condom when you’re with a prostitute.

7. A 5-year-old North Carolina girl asked for and received a Costco-themed birthday party. And because her parents shopped for supplies for the party at Costco, that’ll be the theme for her next twenty birthday parties too.

8. A cash-strapped Brazilian soccer team is now using its players’ jersey numbers to advertise the prices of certain items at local supermarket. So maybe this guy was just advertising a really good deal:

9. Rapper 50 Cent punched a female fan in the chest after she pulled him off the stage while performing in Baltimore Monday night. But, in 50’s defense, before he punched her, he offered her a $400 and a $800 voucher.

10. The IRS is warning people of a new widespread scam in which hackers file and your taxes and then steal your tax return. But, on the plus side, your taxes are done.

March 13, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 03/13/2017 by prejectedjokes

1. Late Friday night, the Secret Service arrested an intruder who breached the White House fence and came within several hundred yards of the President. The man was unable to get face-to-face with President Trump, which can only mean one thing, he’s not Russian.

2. According to a new study, Alaska is the state with the highest incidents of sexually transmitted diseases. Alaska is already hard at work making sure they don’t top the list next year by nominating Lindsay Lohan for statehood.

3. Over the weekend, President Trump invited House Republicans skeptical of the Obamacare replacement plan to the White House for a bowling party. Paul Ryan was happy to hear the White House would supply the balls since he apparently lost his a few months ago.

4. A Colorado woman was arrested and charged with trespassing after apparently stalking Tim Tebow at the New York Mets’ spring training facility in Florida. Not much is known about the woman except she’s definitely not an NFL scout.

5. According to reports, Arnold Schwarzenegger may be eyeing a Senate bid in 2018. And, I have to admit, ‘Senate bid’ is an odd name for a maid.

6. Attendees at the Vietnamese premier of ‘Kong: Skull Island’ were sent running in a panic when a 16-foot statue of King Kong burst into flames over the weekend. Although it still went better than the premiere of ‘Batman v. Superman,’ where the people in attendance had to watch the movie.

7. Rumors are swirling that actress Pamela Anderson and Wikileaks founder Julian Assange are dating. He’s dating Pamela Anderson and trying to reignite the Col War? Man, this guy really misses the 80s.

8. A 74-year-old man was arrested after police say he destroyed several Kim Kardashian books at a Barnes & Noble in Connecticut. Which is unfair, because ‘destroyed’ implies that beforehand those books weren’t already a mess.

9. Jimmy Fallon is reportedly under pressure to take ‘The Tonight Show’ in a “more political” direction in an effort to regain the late-night ratings crown from Stephen Colbert. So get ready for Pictionary with Robert Mugabe.

10. On Sunday, Tom Price, the head of Health and Human Services and a leading advocate for the new healthcare bill, said no one will be worse off financially under the Republican’s plan. Because technically, dead people are no longer have debts.

March 1, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 03/01/2017 by prejectedjokes

1. On Monday, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk announced that his company will send two space tourists to the moon sometime late next year. “How are the schools there?” asked Melania.

2. President Trump recently said he believes that former-President Barack Obama is behind the leaks in his administration. Trump came to that conclusion when he realized he couldn’t blame everything on immigrants and Hillary.

3. Spain has appointed a ‘sex tsar’ to help boost the country’s low birthrate. We have a person in the U.S. that overseas massive increases in the nation’s birthrates too, we call him the commissioner of the NBA.

4. In a new interview that aired Tuesday morning, President Trump said he couldn’t think of a single time when he received deserved criticism. But, in Trump’s defense, maybe he means he can’t think of just one, SINGLE time.

5. Golfer Rory McIlroy said that his outing last week with President Donald Trump was not a political endorsement but rather “simply a round of golf.” Heavy stress on the ‘round’ part:

6. According to new research, if done correctly, sex uses all 657 muscles in the human body. Begging the question, why isn’t Tara Reid in better shape?

7. According to a new study, the chicken offered at Subway restaurants contain just 50% chicken DNA. Even worse, some sandwiches contain as much as 70% of Shawn’s DNA:

8. President Donald Trump’s nominee to be the director of national intelligence pledged on Tuesday to support a thorough investigation of any Russian efforts to influence the 2016 presidential election. That story again, President Trump is looking for a new director of national intelligence.

9. On Tuesday, swimmer Michael Phelps testified before Congress about doping reform. No word if the dope he was talking about were PEDs or Ryan Lochte:

10. Actress Jennifer Garner said she is ready to work with President Trump and wants to “have a steak and a good chat” with him. She’s not worried about whether Trump will ruin America because she has experience with men ruining once great institutions:

November 30, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 11/30/2016 by prejectedjokes

1. Despite settled Supreme Court precedent, President-elect Donald Trump proposed on Tuesday a penalty, including possible jail time or loss of citizenship, for burning the American flag. Which is ludicrous because some flags need to be burned:

2. Emma Morano, thought to be the world’s oldest person and the last to be born in the 1800s, celebrated her 117th birthday on Tuesday. She celebrated by blinking.

3. On Tuesday, an 8-month-old baby was found unscathed in the middle of a highway in Arkansas, after being ejected from a car during a crash. Authorities called the baby a miracle while Casey Anthony called the baby a challenge.

4. Yesterday, a woman opened the emergency exit door and jumped out of a plane as it was taxiing down a runway in Houston. Said a representative for Delta, “In the future we won’t announce that ‘Batman v. Superman’ is our inflight movie until we’re actually in the air.”

5. An Ohio woman arrested in a prostitution sting told an undercover cop that her price for oral sex was $50 and a plate of nachos. Of course, it costs extra if you want to touch her taco.

6. One of Michelle Obama’s go-to fashion designers has announced she will refuse to dress incoming First Lady Melania Trump. Said Melania, “Any word from her speech writers?”

7. The provocative author who wrote a book alleging corruption between the Clintons and their philanthropy now says he sees similar conflicts of interest between Donald Trump and his business now that he’s President-elect. “Oh, now you do!” screamed Hillary Clinton into her rage pillow.

8. Last week, Juergen Klinsmann was fired as head coach of the U.S. men’s national soccer team. Although, it seems like they could have done it in a more sympathic way:

9. Last week, President-elect Donald Trump told ‘The New York Times’ that he “really likes” President Obama. Trump went on to say he finds Rosie O’Donnell “quite attractive.”

10. Sutter Home Winery sued Shmaltz Brewing Company on Monday, accusing the brewery of infringing its “Menage a Trois” trademark by selling a 12-pack of its beers with the “MANNAge a Trois” name. Oh come on, why don’t you two just kiss and make-up. Yeah, that’s nice, now smell her hair a little bit…

October 20, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

Posted on 10/20/2016 by prejectedjokes

1. Last night Donald Trump refused to give his word that he will accept the results of the upcoming presidential election. “Yeah, he’s not great at taking ‘no’ for an answer,” said eight separate women and a ‘People’ magazine reporter.

2. During last night’s presidential debate, Donald Trump said he was pro-life and against “ripping babies from the womb.” Well, there goes at least one excuse Trump could have given as to why he’s been grabbing women by the genitals.

3. During last night’s presidential debate, Hillary Clinton called Donald Trump a puppet of the Russian government. I don’t know if that’s true, but if it is, I’d guess he’s this puppet:

4. According to reports, Donald Trump and campaign advisor Roger Ailes are no longer on speaking terms, but the reason why remains unclear. Although, if I had to guess, I would say they couldn’t agree on who gets first dibs on groping female staffers.

5. Yesterday, a jury in Los Angeles found New York Knicks point guard Derrick Rose not guilty on accusations of rape. Proving right all those sports experts who said, coming out of college, Rose would be the next Kobe.

6. For the first time in decades, kids’ superhero costumes are outselling kids’ princess costumes for Halloween. “Superman, Batman, Spiderman. I can’t wait to collect them all,” said Jerry Sandusky.

7. According to a growing body of evidence, exercise could improve erectile dysfunction. And, if that’s the case, please wipe off your machine.

8. During Wednesday night’s presidential debate, Donald Trump proclaimed that Vladimir Putin is not his best friend. “Really, then who has the other half of this?” asked a heartbroken Putin:

9. According to a recently released WikiLeak email, Hillary Clinton included Starbucks CEO Howard Shultz on a short-list of potential vice president nominees. But who needs that boost of caffeine when you have the naturally high-energy dynamo that is Tim Kaine.

10. According to a recently released WikiLeak email, Hillary Clinton included Apple CEO Tim Cook and Microsoft founder Bill Gates on a short-list of potential vice president nominees. I guess she settled on the position of VP for the tech giants because the role of email deleter was already filled.

prejectedjokes

Monologue jokes, delightful pictures, and funny musings, but more likely just crap

Tag Archives: Batman