Tag Archives: 50 Cent

December 17, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. In a recent interview, President Trump called for national voter I.D. laws and accused people of voting illegally, saying, “They go around in circles. Sometimes they go to their car, put on a different hat, put on a different shirt, come in and vote again.” And, just like that, Melania has a new escape plan:

melania hat

2. According to a report, President Trump has two iPhones, one that he uses for calls and one that he uses for Twitter. And also a third phone on which he can call Grover:

trump phone

3. During the recent G20 Summit in Argentina, President Trump was caught on a hot mic saying “Get me out here.” Which I can only assumes means the room he wanted to leave contained either a book, a treadmill or Eric. 

4. Last week, a woman in Arizona celebrated her 106th birthday at a local Taco Bell. And, in related news, the people in that lady’s will have asked Taco Bell to change their slogan from ‘Live Mas’ to “You Had a Good Run.” 

5. Last week, a woman in Arizona celebrated her 106th birthday at a local Taco Bell. She said she wanted to celebrate in a place where she was the healthiest person in the room.

6. In her upcoming memoir “Becoming,” former First Lady Michelle Obama reveals that she stopped even trying to smile during President Trump’s inauguration. “The key is to imagine you’re anywhere else,” said Melania.

7. Nebraska recently revealed it’s new tourism slogan, “Nebraska: Honestly, it’s not for everyone.” “Message received,” said black people.

8. Last month, Ethiopia appointed the country’s first female president. Because you can’t scream “but her emails,” when you don’t even have the internet.

9. A woman in the U.K. claims to have had sex with twenty ghosts. A lady who is attracted to pale figures from a bygone age or, as she is more commonly known, Karen Pence.

10. Last week, a Mandarin duck native to China and Japan was spotted in Central Park. It was spotted blocking the sidewalk as New York City ducks were trying to get to work in the morning.

11. Rapper 50 Cent continued his long-standing feud with fellow-rapper Ja Rule by buying 200 front row tickets to his recent concert so they would all be empty. So I can’t wait to find out what Donald Trump did to piss off 50 Cent:

trump crowd

12. A 69-year-old man in the Netherlands is suing his local government so he can legally lower his age by more than twenty year because he identifies as a 45-year-old in an effort to meet more women on Tinder. That story again, a man in the Netherlands is the only person not lying about his age on Tinder.

13. Last week, President Trump floated the idea of the U.S. charging tariffs on wines imported from France. In response, the fourth hour of the Today Show has succeeded from America.

14. In a recently published study, scientists determined that, in the near future, self-driving cars will be used for sex. That story again, Kit has seen some shit:

kitt

15. A bed slept in by Bill Clinton will be sold at auction this weekend. That story again, they are auctioning off a bed that has never been slept in by Hillary Clinton.

16. According to a new survey, 49 percent of men do not considering kissing someone else cheating. That story again, 49 percent of men took a survey not standing next to their significant other.

17. Starbucks announced that it will start blocking customers from accessing pornography on their in-store wi-fi in 2019. Which explains Dunkin Donuts new slogan “Welcome Creeps!”

18. Last week, while paying his respects to the late George H.W. Bush, former Republican  Bob Dole rose form his wheelchair and saluted the former president. Which has got to be the absolute best outcome from a story that includes the words ‘Bob Dole’ and ‘rose’:

dole

19. A new study has found that there is strong and consistent evidence that James Bond has a chronic alcohol consumption problem that is on the severe end of the spectrum. That story again, scientists have too much time on their hands.

20. This past week, Russia’s state-of-the-art robot was revealed to be a man in a robot costume. Man, Russia is so far behind the times, in the U.S. we already have a robot in a man costume:

romney robot

April 12, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

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1. The customer in Florida who bought a salad at a local Walmart that contained a decomposed bat actually ate some of the salad before discovering the bat. So now he’s scared of bats and salads which sounds like the origin story for Fat Batman.

2. In a new interview, Eric Trump said his father’s decision to bomb Syria was influenced by his sister Ivanka being “heartbroken and outraged” over the recent chemical attacks. So, heads-up, Nordstrom.

3. On Tuesday, Caitlyn Jenner announced that she underwent genital surgery in January. The weird thing is she had surgery to make it bigger.

4. A group of Japanese scientists said they plan to be the first group to successfully drill into the Earth’s mantle which lies just beneath the outer crust. Although, if they want to be first they better hurry up because Sean Spicer has been digging himself a pretty big hole everyday.

5. This week E! announced that Kylie Jenner is getting her own spin-off reality TV show. That story again, the popular MTV show “Teen Mom” is getting a prequel.

6. Hundreds of condoms that clogged a city sewer pipe led police to raid a massage parlor in Texas and arrest two people for prostitution. So let that be a lesson to all you kids out there, never use a condom when you’re with a prostitute.

7. A 5-year-old North Carolina girl asked for and received a Costco-themed birthday party. And because her parents shopped for supplies for the party at Costco, that’ll be the theme for her next twenty birthday parties too.

8. A cash-strapped Brazilian soccer team is now using its players’ jersey numbers to advertise the prices of certain items at local supermarket. So maybe this guy was just advertising a really good deal:

9. Rapper 50 Cent punched a female fan in the chest after she pulled him off the stage while performing in Baltimore Monday night. But, in 50’s defense, before he punched her, he offered her a $400 and a $800 voucher.

10. The IRS is warning people of a new widespread scam in which hackers file and your taxes and then steal your tax return. But, on the plus side, your taxes are done.

August 5, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Eric Trump appeared on CBS This Morning on Tuesday and defended his father’s ongoing feud with the family of veteran, saying, “What I think this country needs is a fighter.” And you’ve need seen anyone fight harder than Donald Trump when Eric goes in for a hug.

2. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said of the New York Times, “they don’t write good.” And, technically he’s correct, because whenever they’re writing about Trump, they’re writing evil.

3. Actor Antonio Sabato Jr. says, after speaking at the Republican National Convention, he has been blacklisted and can’t get a job in liberal Hollywood. And, also, before the speech.

4. According to a new study, millennials would rather go online than have sex. This according to every 20-something-year-old girl who didn’t even look up from her phone to reject me.

5. A London man was arrested on Tuesday after driving a car packed with marijuana the wrong way on a highway for five miles. Said the man, “Did you ever think that maybe they were the ones driving the wrong way?”

6. According to a new study, enjoying bad, trashy films is linked to a higher level of intelligence. “I await my Peabody Award,” said Adam Sandler.

7. Regarding Donald Trump’s controversial rhetoric, one Trump advisor said the problem is that Trump is always watching TV and then gets angry at what he sees and reacts. So, he is just like us:
yelling tv

8. Yesterday, to celebrate President Obama’s 55th birthday, Vice President Joe Biden tweeted out a picture of two friendship bracelets made out of yarn and embroidered with the names ‘Joe’ and ‘Barack.’ Presumably because the White House kitchen ran out of dried macaroni and glitter.

9. Yesterday, the paparazzi snapped photos of actor Orlando Bloom completely naked on a paddleboard with bikini-clad girlfriend Katy Perry while on vacation in Sardinia. Thus disappointing every guy who has a Google alert set up for articles containing the words ‘Katy Perry’ and ‘naked.’

10. President Obama said on Thursday that Donald Trump will get national security briefings as required by law ahead of the election. During which, I’m guessing, Trump’s first question will be, “Who’s this narcissistic billionaire real estate tycoon that’s threatening our national security that’s mentioned in every one of these briefings?”

11. The apartment of the only black firefighter in a small upstate New York town recently burned to the ground in a case of suspected arson. Which is a pretty rough way to find out you’re not very good at your job.

12. Rappers 50 Cent and The Game ended their twelve year beef by going to a strip club together. Or, as Bill Clinton refers to it, diplomacy.

13. Russia’s Foreign Minister said on Monday that U.S. accusations that Moscow was behind a hack of Democratic National Committee computers were insulting. Adding, “Everyone knows we love the Democratic party, especially comrade Bernie.”

14. Race car driver Daniel Ricciardo celebrated his German Gran Prix win over the weekend by drinking champagne out of his sweaty boot. Which, I’m pretty sure is how they make Miller Light.

15. After New York City installed over 300 free Wi-Fi kiosks throughout the city, there has been an uptick in reports of homeless men using the stations to watch porn and pleasure themselves in public. An outcome that was completely unforeseeable unless they asked literally anyone.
 
16. When asked to comment on the Democratic Convention getting higher ratings, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said, “I didn’t produce our show. I just showed up for the final speech.” If he didn’t produce it, I’d hate to be the guy who told him the lineup of speakers before him:
speakers
 
17. Simon Wheatcroft, a blind marathoner, made it across the 150 mile Namibian desert by himself with only the aid of an app on his smartphone. Although, the feat becomes less impressive once you learn that app was Uber.

18. A Cincinnati man has been charged after investigators say he broke into a historic home, took off all of his clothes and was found naked, drinking Pina Colada mix. But, to fair, he took off his clothes because he got caught in the rain.

19. According to a new survey, 67% of U.S. adults say it’s at least sometimes appropriate for doctors to discuss guns with patients during check-ups. While the remaining 33% say, “No, how bout YOU turn YOUR head and cough.”

20. A woman in Alaska drove her dead husband’s casket around in her car for days. Said the woman, “I refuse to stop and ask for directions because that’s the way he would have wanted it.”

21. Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, in jail on corruption charges, has reportedly started a rock band with fellow inmates. And, they’ve already got some groupies:
criminals

22. At a campaign rally in Colorado on Friday, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said, “No more Mr. Nice Guy.” Begging the question, what is Trump planning on doing to Tim Kaine?

July 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Monday night, First Lady Michelle Obama spoke at the Democratic National Convention. But don’t worry if you missed it, you can catch all the highlights during Melania’s next speech.

2. President Obama’s half brother, Malik Obama, says he will vote for Republican nominee Donald Trump in November’s general election. In response, Barack questioned Malik’s ability to even vote in U.S. elections and demanded to see his long-form birth certificate.

3. During his speech to the Democratic Convention last night, Senator Bernie Sanders mentioned ‘Hillary Clinton’ fifteen times, ‘Donald Trump’ ten times and ‘President Obama’ three times. “Did you notice he didn’t mention God once?” said Debbie Wasserman Schultz?

4. A man in England shot himself in the cheek and posted the video online in a bid to launch his rap career. So I guess this one falls in the ‘Die Tryin’ column.

5. A hypnotherapist mother in California is using hypnosis as a parenting tool. And, laugh if you will, but the proof is in the pudding, she has two very well-behaved children and one who thinks she’s a chicken.

6. Norway announced an ambitious plan to install the world’s first floating underwater traffic tunnels. So I guess Ted Kennedy was just ahead of his time.

7. A new study has found that birds, crickets and frogs that live in large cities are increasingly singing off-key due to loud city noise. This holds especially true the nights that Ke$ha is in town.

8. A judge in Wisconsin got a much-needed kidney donation from a fellow judge. “You assholes said that wasn’t allowed!” said the ghost of Antonin Scalia.

9. Rap group Insane Clown Posse and its fans are planning a march on Washington D.C. to protest the FBI. It will be the largest gathering of clowns in D.C. since Congress the previous day.

10. On Monday, Matteo Salving, the leader of Italy’s anti-immigrant Northern League, compared the woman speaker of the lower house of parliament to an inflatable sex doll. But, in Matteo’s defense, with misogynistic comments like that, I bet he’s quite the authority on inflatable sex dolls.

July 17, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Thursday, TLC officially cancelled “19 Kids and Counting,” nearly two months after revelations about acts of child molestation committed by Josh Duggar, one of the kids, when he was a teenager. The Duggars are reportedly already shopping a new show entitled “18 Kids and Counting.”

2. When asked on Thursday her opinion of the Iran nuclear deal, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton said she does not trust the Iranians. Which can only mean on thing, she will marry the Iranians.

3. Movie star Johnny Depp’s wife, Amber Heard, has been charged with illegally bringing the couple’s Yorkshire terriers into Australia. Experts believe Australia is doing this purely for publicity and chose to charge Heard instead of Depp because they wanted people to actually see it.

4. Rick Perry on Thursday slammed Republican presidential rival Donald Trump for “a toxic mix of demagoguery and nonsense” on immigration and said he has a “fundamental misunderstanding” about securing the border. So, once again, Trump has accomplished the unthinkable, making Rick Perry sound smart.

5. After cutting ties with Donald Trump, NBC is reportedly in talks with comedian George Lopez to take over “the Celebrity Apprentice.” Said Trump, “Who’d Lopez have to murder and/or rape to get that job?”

6. In a recent interview, singer Justin Bieber said he graduated high school with a 4.0 GPA. Which can only mean one thing, he didn’t have to take a music appreciation class.

7. “To Kill a Mockingbird” author Harper Lee wrote yet another book that remains unpublished, a close friend said on Tuesday, the day the writer’s second novel “Go Set a Watchman” went on sale. “Alright. Enough. We surrender,” said high school students.

8. Last week a man in Pennsylvania was arrested for allegedly flying across the country to have sex with a horse. Proving that long-distance relationships never work.

9. According to reports, the Pentagon could in the coming months lift the ban on transgender people openly serving in the U.S. military. Said Defense Secretary Ash Carter, “Keep your privates private, Private.”

10. Rapper 50 Cent filed for bankruptcy protection on Monday. Turns out it was not sound financial advice to “sip Bacardi like it’s your birfday.”

11. In a recent interview, Senator Lindsey Graham called fellow Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump a ‘wrecking ball’ that is causing damage to the party. What were the odds, coming into this election, that a Republican candidate would be referred to as a ‘wrecking ball’ and it wouldn’t be Chris Christie?

12. Australia announced that it will give citizenship to rich Americans who are willing to bring their cash and entrepreneurial talent Down Under. Hold on a second, Australia, I think I have Donald Trump’s phone number around here somewhere.

13. President Obama became the first sitting president to tour a federal prison on Thursday. Although, if he got the real prison experience, he wouldn’t be a ‘sitting’ president any time soon.

July 14, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a federal criminal complaint, a Massachusetts man was arrested for providing aid to ISIS after his father, a Boston police captain, alerted authorities. Said the officer, “My son is wicked wicked.”

2. According to reports, the Pentagon could in the coming months lift the ban on transgender people openly serving in the U.S. military. It would be part of the army’s new “Don’t Ask, Can’t Tell” policy.

3. Yesterday, the Boy Scouts of America Executive Committee unanimously approved allowing gay adults to serve as scout leaders. So, I guess, those neckerchiefs aren’t going anywhere anytime soon.

4. On Monday, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker announced his candidacy for president of the United States, bringing the grand total of Republican candidates to 15. At this point, even the Octomom thinks this is getting outta hand.

5. Yesterday, a former bartender from Ohio accused of threatening to kill U.S House of Representatives Speaker John Boehner in October was found guilty by reason on insanity. Which, coincidentally, now makes the bartender qualified to run for Congress.

6. On Monday, NASA’s New Horizons spacecraft found that Pluto is much larger than scientist previously thought. As Kourney said to Kim, “I’m being overshadowed by your anus.”

7. According to a new study, a quarter of the dogs competing in Britain’s Crufts, the world’s largest dog show, are overweight. Which means there will be stiff competition for this year’s Miss Congeniality award.

8. On Sunday, Oklahoma’s Olivia Jordan was crowned the winner of the Donald Trump-owned Miss USA pageant. “Yeah, I figured I didn’t have much of a chance,” said Miss New Mexico.

9. Rapper 50 Cent filed for bankruptcy on Monday. Even more ironic, I went to the movies last night and the guy who ripped my ticket was Usher.

10. Pope Francis defended himself against critics who accused him of preaching class warfare, saying that he’s just applying Catholic teachings to an economic system that is highly polarized between the rich and the poor. Then he got back into the Holy helicopter and returned to his gigantic, city-sized mansion that is full of priceless artifacts.

June 16, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A Long Island strip club held a promotion over the weekend where the first 100 dads to arrive on Fathers’ Day received free admission and a complimentary lap dance. The fathers were encouraged to bring along their daughters as it will be a convenient look into their future. 

2. Brazilian health officials handed out condoms to World Cup soccer fans in São Paulo on Friday. Even more impressive, they demonstrated how to use the condoms without using their hands. 

3. On Friday, Bolivian President Evo Morales presented UN Secretary General Bon Ki-moon with a cake made with coca leaves for his 70th birthday. And, in an unrelated story, those in attendance set a world record for fastest rendition of “Happy Birthday” ever.

4. A New Orleans woman had an unorthodox funeral over the weekend in which her body was seated at a table for a two day service, with a menthol cigarette in hand, disco balls overhead, a can of Busch beer in front of her and a bottle of Jack Daniels within reach. That story again, a New Orleans woman died and no one noticed for two days.

5. Taxi, a 14-year-old Texas girl’s seizure alert dog, received his own picture and entry into her muddle school’s yearbook. Even worse, Taxi was the valedictorian. 

6. Pope Francis told a Spanish newspaper that he prefers not to use a bulletproof Popemobile despite the dangers of an assassination because “at my age I don’t have much to lose.” But, if that’s the case, maybe it wasn’t a great idea to start that “beef” with 50 Cent.

7. Richard Grayson, an openly gay, former college professor who lives in Arizona said on Friday he is running as the Democratic candidate for the lone House of Representatives seat in Wyoming to protest the absence of other Democrats seeking the office in the conservative state. So far, Grayson has been polling well with Wyoming’s gay population, or as that demographic is more commonly known in the state, Richard Grayson.

8. Boston, Los Angeles, San Francisco and Washington comprise the list of candidate cities for a potential U.S. bid to host the 2024 Summer Games, the U.S. Olympic Committee said on Friday. Candidates, on your mark, get set, bribe!

9. The owner of a mine in Canada’s historic Yukon gold belt wants to sell the property for $2 million in the virtual currency bitcoin. That story again, a mine owner is looking to sell a worthless mine.

10. According to scientists, a fossil mastodon skull found by a group attending a bachelor party at a New Mexico lakeshore is more than 10 million years old. Said the bachelor party, “I swear, the stripper was like that too when we got here.”

June 6, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to a report released on Thursday, the number of stay-at-home father in the U.S. has nearly doubled since the late 1980s. And quadruples any time there is an NBA lockout.

2. This summer marks the 75th anniversary of Little League Baseball. Crazy to think that just 75 years ago bad dads spent their Saturdays getting drunk and yelling at their kids at home.

3. California Governor Jerry Brown and New York Governor Andrew Cuomo have made a friendly wager on the NHL Finals where Brown will send Cuomo a book on California history and a box of rice cakes if the Rangers win. Said Cuomo, “Let’s go Kings.”

4. The MCAT, the test college students take to get into medical school, will reportedly become much harder next year. Said prospective medical students, “Oh come on, I just finished memorizing the whole ‘knee bone connected to’ song.”

5. This week Burger King introduced an extra long cheeseburger served on a hoagie roll. It’s perfect for those times you finish your Whopper but still hate yourself.

6. Experts at Harvard said this week that they have confirmed that a 19th-century book housed in one of the university’s libraries is bound in human skin. Even worse, that’s the most human contact most Harvard students have had in years.

7. According to a new study, birth control pills seem to work as well as antibiotics for long-term treatment of acne in women. But, if your acne is so bad that you need to search out nonconventional treatments, I don’t think you’re gonna need birth control anytime soon anyway.

8. 88-year-old Edith Prague, the commissioner of Connecticut’s Department on Aging, reluctantly retired this week at the urging of her doctor. But, don’t worry, the state found her a new role, more commensurate with her age, she’ll be starting at the morgue next week.

9. An Indiana woman is under investigation after her husband’s corpse was left in their home for more than nine months and fed on by birds. Said the woman, “I knew I was forgetting something, thank god someone remembered to feed the birds.”

10. Stores in Washington will begin carrying marijuana-infused coffee starting in July. Said you body’s nervous system, “Make up your mind.”

11. An Oregon school district plans to offer condoms to students starting in sixth grade as part of a policy aimed at decreasing teen pregnancy. It was modeled after a similar program instituted in Alabama, but, to be fair, most Alabama sixth-graders are 24.

12. A British man had to use a pair of bolt-cutters to remove a ring that had gotten stuck on his penis. But, on the plus side, his penis said “Yes.”

13. Actor Jonah Hill is apologizing for saying “suck my dick, you faggot,” to a paparazzo over the weekend. Pretty tough talk from a guy who hasn’t even seen his own dick in years.

14. Sneaker company Skeechers has inked a sponsorship deal with California Chrome, the horse that will be attempting to win the Triple Crown this weekend. And, just in case California Chrome is unsuccessful in its bid, the colt has also inked a deal with Elmers glue.

15. A kitchen employee at a women’s halfway house has been charged with three counts of battery for allegedly licking cheese before serving it to probation and parole officers at the center. But, in the woman’s defense, she is a recovering crack-whore and it was head cheese.

16. California voters received free marijuana from some pot clubs in San Jose for casting ballots in the state primary elections on Thursday. Along with the weed, organizers passed out “I Voted?” stickers.

17. According to multiple sources, gossip website TMZ kept the video of Justin Bieber telling racist jokes quiet for four years as blackmail in exchange for access to and appearances by the pop singer. So congratulations to TMZ on emerging as the bad guy in a story that involved Justin Bieber using the n-word.

18. Rapper 50 Cent is blaming his horrible first pitch at a recent Mets game on excessive masturbation. Looking back on it now, the pitch was pretty impressive considering the ball didn’t stick to his hand.

May 29, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Wednesday, FoxNews announced that actress Stacey Dash, best known for her role in 1995’s “Clueless,” will be joining the network as a contributor. It’s all part of FoxNews’ plan to change the top results when you type “FowNews” and “clueless” into Google.

2. According to White House officials, President Obama will host a conference highlighting the risks of head injuries to young athletes today. It will truly be a day some of them will never forget.

3. According to the New York Times, golfer Rory McIlroy broke up with girlfriend Caroline Wozniacki during a phone call that lasted three minutes. Which has to be the best possible outcome of a news story for Rory that involves him and a break up over something that last only three minutes.

4. Veteran Australian entertainer Rolf Harris told a jury on Tuesday there had been sexual chemistry between him and a woman who has accused him of sexually abusing her as a child. Which is a legal defense that is so crazy that Michael Jackson didn’t even think about using it, and he owned a pet monkey.

5. Fox announced that pop singer Justin Bieber will appear on its show “So You Think You Can Dance,” for a few episodes this upcoming season. Bieber has been brought in as an expert on the dancing, not so much the thinking.

6. Russia claimed its fourth world ice hockey championship in seven years with a 5-2 win over Finland on Sunday. The Russian team celebrated by taking over the Ukrainian team’s locker room.

7. Tuesday night, rapper 50 Cent threw out the first pitch at the Mets game and missed the catcher by more than 25 feet. The pitch was immediately labeled “the worst first pitch ever,” or, as everyone who subsequently ran into 225-pound rapper who was once shot nine times labeled it, “Great job man.”

8. Intel introduced a talking, walking robot on Wednesday made from 3-D printed parts that consumers will be able to buy and assemble later his year for $1,600. No word on how much you’ll have to pay for the Chinese kid who will assemble it for you.

9. Late last week, Tennessee became the first state to make execution by electric chair mandatory if the drugs used for lethal injection are unavailable. Of course, Tennessee will have to wait until the next thunderstorm to perform any electric chair executions to enable the kite to get hit by lightning.

10. A Texas woman claims she was forced to give birth alone in jail during a night in solitary confinement, which ultimately led to a stillborn birth. Just wondering, does that still count as solitary confinement?

October 29, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Over the weekend, Malaysian authorities pulled the plug on a Ke$ha concert scheduled for Saturday, threatening the singer with jail time if she took the stage. Begging the question, why don’t we all live in Malaysia?

2. On Sunday, four inmates escaped from an Oklahoma jail by prying open a maintenance hatch in the shower room. Prior to the escape, “prying open a maintenance hatch in a prison shower room” had a completely different meaning.

3. A teacher’s assistant at the University of Iowa accidentally attached nude photos of herself to email that was sent out to her entire class. And, in a related story, the wait-list for that class just got a whole lot longer.

4. A “networking-component” in the Obamacare system failed Sunday and the attempted fix crashed the system, leaving users unable to apply for health coverage. This may be the best example ever of the blind leading the actual blind.

5. Scientists have found what they’re describing as a “lost world” on the northern tip of Queensland, Australia, hosting at least three previously undocumented species, including a frog that makes love in the rain. Which may explain why the married versions of these frogs are indigenous to the Death Valley, California area.

6. A British man has been arrested in England and charged by the U.S. with hacking into U.S. government computers to steal confidential data and disrupt operations. If convicted, the man could face a sentence of up to 10 years as the head of the NSA.

7. A new study suggests, children who grow up in poor families may have smaller brains than their more well-off peers. This according to the Hamptons Journal of Haughty Snobbery.

8. On Monday, rapper 50 Cent struck a deal with Los Angeles prosecutors for three years’ probation and 30 days of community service after allegedly kicking the mother of his child during a June altercation. “That sounds good, I’ll take that, too,” said Chris Brown.

9. On Monday, James Comey, the new head of the FBI, ordered all new agents to visit the national monument to late civil rights leader Martin Luther King, Jr. as a reminder not to repeat the abuses of the bureau’s past. Although Comey doesn’t not appear to be heeding his own words considering he gave this new directive while wearing a dress.

10. As a result of consumer demand, Comcast will soon provide a pared-down basic cable package that includes about 10 channels, HBO, internet access and the option to purchase premium movies, all for approximately $50 a month. This new customer-based approach is a sharp departure from Comcast’s previous company policy, “Fuck the customer.”