July 17, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Thursday, TLC officially cancelled “19 Kids and Counting,” nearly two months after revelations about acts of child molestation committed by Josh Duggar, one of the kids, when he was a teenager. The Duggars are reportedly already shopping a new show entitled “18 Kids and Counting.”

2. When asked on Thursday her opinion of the Iran nuclear deal, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton said she does not trust the Iranians. Which can only mean on thing, she will marry the Iranians.

3. Movie star Johnny Depp’s wife, Amber Heard, has been charged with illegally bringing the couple’s Yorkshire terriers into Australia. Experts believe Australia is doing this purely for publicity and chose to charge Heard instead of Depp because they wanted people to actually see it.

4. Rick Perry on Thursday slammed Republican presidential rival Donald Trump for “a toxic mix of demagoguery and nonsense” on immigration and said he has a “fundamental misunderstanding” about securing the border. So, once again, Trump has accomplished the unthinkable, making Rick Perry sound smart.

5. After cutting ties with Donald Trump, NBC is reportedly in talks with comedian George Lopez to take over “the Celebrity Apprentice.” Said Trump, “Who’d Lopez have to murder and/or rape to get that job?”

6. In a recent interview, singer Justin Bieber said he graduated high school with a 4.0 GPA. Which can only mean one thing, he didn’t have to take a music appreciation class.

7. “To Kill a Mockingbird” author Harper Lee wrote yet another book that remains unpublished, a close friend said on Tuesday, the day the writer’s second novel “Go Set a Watchman” went on sale. “Alright. Enough. We surrender,” said high school students.

8. Last week a man in Pennsylvania was arrested for allegedly flying across the country to have sex with a horse. Proving that long-distance relationships never work.

9. According to reports, the Pentagon could in the coming months lift the ban on transgender people openly serving in the U.S. military. Said Defense Secretary Ash Carter, “Keep your privates private, Private.”

10. Rapper 50 Cent filed for bankruptcy protection on Monday. Turns out it was not sound financial advice to “sip Bacardi like it’s your birfday.”

11. In a recent interview, Senator Lindsey Graham called fellow Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump a ‘wrecking ball’ that is causing damage to the party. What were the odds, coming into this election, that a Republican candidate would be referred to as a ‘wrecking ball’ and it wouldn’t be Chris Christie?

12. Australia announced that it will give citizenship to rich Americans who are willing to bring their cash and entrepreneurial talent Down Under. Hold on a second, Australia, I think I have Donald Trump’s phone number around here somewhere.

13. President Obama became the first sitting president to tour a federal prison on Thursday. Although, if he got the real prison experience, he wouldn’t be a ‘sitting’ president any time soon.

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