Tag Archives: Comcast

July 6, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Sunday, NBA All-Star and future Hall-of-Famer LeBron James signed a 4-year deal with the Los Angeles Lakers. That story again, John Travolta no longer has the worst hairline in Hollywood:

2. On Sunday, NBA All-Star and future Hall-of-Famer LeBron James signed a 4-year deal to become a Los Angeles Laker. “When did LeBron leave?” asked J.R. Smith seven months from now.

3. Bad news for the city of Cleveland, on Sunday NBA All Star LeBron James announced that he is leaving Cleveland for Los Angeles. And, in even worse news for Cleveland, the Browns announced they are staying.

4. The Moscow zoo has named a new-born eagle after Igor Akinfeev, the star goalkeeper who helped Russia beat Spain and advance to the World Cup quarter-finals. Which means there’s a fifty percent chance that next week’s headline, after Russia’s inevitable loss, of “Igor Akinfeev fed to the lions” will be referring to the bird.

5. On Friday, Comcast, which owns NBC, suffered a massive outage, leaving many customers nationwide without television. The last time NBC caused that many TVs to be shut off, they were airing ‘Marlon’:

6. A draft of a bill from the Trump administration proposed having the U.S. abandon key World Trade Organization principles. And, just to make sure Trump continues to ignore the WTO, they have renamed it Eric.

7. The adult website Pornhub is rolling out a new feature that adds subtitles to videos for viewers who are deaf or hard-of-hearing. “I’m so excited to finally be able to write cleaner, more wholesome subtitles,” said the guy who used to write subtitles for Access Hollywood:

8. The adult website Pornhub is rolling out a new feature that adds subtitles to videos for viewers who are deaf or hard-of-hearing. Yeah, deaf or heard-of-hearing:

9. Weeks after ABC fired her for racist tweets, Roseanne Barr said she’s been fielding “many” TV offers. For instance, Time Warner offered to give her the first two months of cable for free.

10. U.S. Customs and Border Protection agents seized 108 counterfeit Super Bowl rings that were shipped into the country in June. Authorities became suspicious when they saw Mark Sanchez sporting a Super Bowl ring:

11. In a recent interview, actor Guy Pearce called fellow actor Kevin Spacey “handsy.” Which is like calling Bill Cosby a “mixologist.”

12. Walmart faced an outcry from Trump supporters on Tuesday for selling shirts bearing the slogan “Impeach 45.” No word on whether the supporters were upset with the slogan or the fact that the shirt had sleeves:

13. The captain of the Nigerian men’s national soccer team played a key World Cup match last week just hours after learning that his father had been kidnapped. “You think that’s bad, I play every game knowing that my dad is in the stands,” said Lonzo Ball:

14. This week, Michael Avenatti, the lawyer representing adult film actress Stormy Daniels, floated the possibility that he might run for president in 2020. You’d think a guy who represents porn stars would be more familiar with the idea of being over-exposed.

15. On Wednesday, Michael Cohen deleted “personal attorney to President Donald J. Trump” from his Twitter profile. Said President Trump, “You can delete things from Twitter!?!?!”:

16. The Korea Football Association has decided not to pursue charges against people who threw eggs at the national team after they arrived home from the World Cup. The South Korean soccer team said the incident was “disgraceful,” while the North Korean soccer team said “FREE EGGS!!!!”.

17. While giving a rally speech in Montana on Thursday, President Trump said he looked up into “their beautiful sky.” Which can only mean one thing, there must have been a solar eclipse in Montana on Thursday:

18. EPA chief Scott Pruitt resigned on Thursday under heavy fire for a series of ethics-related controversies. Pruitt knew it was finally time to leave and then stayed another ten months.

19. According to a new study, seeing the same doctor over the years helps people live longer. Counterpoint, Dr. Conrad Murray:

20. Last week, comedian Stuttering John Melendez, known for having a very pronounce speech impediment, prank called the White House and was put through to the President. Begging the question, how did he even understand a single thing that guy was saying, also, it probably wasn’t easy listening to the guy with the stutter either.

October 12, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump tweeted “It is so nice that the shackles have been taken off me and I can now fight for America the way I want to.” Which is weird, because with those tiny little hands of his, you’d think he would have been able to slip out of those shackles a lot sooner.

2. Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump tweeted “It is so nice that the shackles have been taken off me and I can now fight for America the way I want to.” So attention all women, take extra precaution to protect all grab-able body parts, because he now has a full range of motion.

3. Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump tweeted “It is so nice that the shackles have been taken off me and I can now fight for America the way I want to.” “You might want to hang onto those shackles,” said the people investigating Trump University.

4. Comcast is being forced to pay the largest fine the FCC has ever levied against a cable operator for charging customers for services and equipment they didn’t ask for. Or, as Wells Fargo refers to it, good business.

5. A new study warns that astronauts traveling to Mars could suffer brain damage. Which explains why, after “the Martian,” Matt Damon thought it was a good idea, as a white man, to star in a Chinese epic called “the Great Wall.”

6. On Monday, actor Leonardo DiCaprio revealed that he has signed up to be an astronaut on SpaceX’s highly anticipated trip to Mars. Said DiCaprio, “I’ve already fucked every supermodel on Earth.”

7. On Monday, 1,201 married couples gathered at Western Michigan University to renew their vows, breaking a world record. The last time there were that many married couples in one place Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Newt Gingrich and all their ex-wives got together for a very uncomfortable dinner.

8. There’s a new trend where people dab small amounts of their own urine onto their faces in bid to give themselves clearer, healthier-looking skin. “That’s insane! Why would you want a small amount of your own urine on your face?” said R Kelly.

9. Yesterday, President Obama vowed that America will be the first country to land on Mars. And then Vice President Biden made a joke about Uranus.

10. FoxNews’ Geraldo Rivera said this week he has additional audio tapes of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump saying embarrassing things. For instance, in one tape, Trump refers to Rivera as “a close friend.”

February 19, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Wednesday, Malachi Love-Robinson, an 18-year-old Florida teen, was arrested after opening a medical office in West Palm Beach and presenting himself as a doctor. Luckily, according to the Malachi, he is also a lawyer so he will be able to represent himself.

2. Pope Francis said Thursday that GOP front-runner Donald Trump “is not Christian.”. Which, I assume, means he’s Jewish because he’s definitely not Muslim.

3. Bernie Sanders, in an interview with BET, accused Hillary Clinton of cozying up to President Obama in order to pander to African-Americans. Although, he probably could have made his point without using the words ‘dawg’ and ‘yo’ so much.

4. During Thursday night’s Republican town hall, presidential candidate Jeb Bush said recreational drug use is bad because it can prevent people from reaching their goals. For instance, I have a brother who used drugs recreationally and, now, as a result, I can’t reach my goal of being president.

5. During Thursday night’s Republican town hall, Jeb Bush said he was reading a book on his father, former president George H.W. Bush, and learned how hard it was for his dad to lose the 1992 presidential election. A lesson that he soon won’t need to learn from a book.

6. According to a new study, more than one out of three American adults do not get enough sleep. The study was conducted somewhere other than a Ben Carson rally.

7. In a recent interview, the lawyer for the recently recaptured drug kingpin El Chapo said his client feels that he’s a victim of “physical and mental torture” because guards wake him up every two hours. Oh, is he not enjoying jail. They’re not waking him up to be mean, they’re just checking that he’s still there, that happens when you keep escaping.

8. Former NFL wide receiver Reggie Rucker was charged in federal court with illegally siphoning off more than $100,000 from his anti-violence charities to pay off gambling debts and personal expenses. Authorities became suspicious when an NFL player spoke up against violence.

9. An Army lab has created a ready-to-eat pizza that lasts up to three years. Afterwhich, it can be used as a cyanide capsule.

10. On Thursday, the Senate voted 75 to 20 to approve a bill closing a loophole that allowed goods made by slaves to enter the U.S. market. “Define ‘slaves’,” said Apple.

11. Rapper Kanye West, who says he is $53 million in debt, has asked Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg to invest $1 billion into his “ideas.” So far, Kanye’s best idea is to steal $1 billion from Mark Zuckerberg.

12. Over the weekend, Sports Illustrated announced that, for the first time in the 52 year history of its swimsuit issue, three models, Ronda Rousey, Hailey Clauson and Ashley Graham, will grace the cover. Which is ridiculous, because how is Derek Jeter supposed to find time to sleep with all three of them?

13. Customers of TV and internet service provider Comcast were irate on Monday after widespread outages. “But outages imply that you had tv and internet service at one point,” said impressed Time Warner customers.

14. Police in California are asking for the public’s help after blow darts hit two people who were walking on the Golden Gate Bridge. So far here are their top suspects:
lineup

15. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump promised to stop using vulgarities on the campaign trail. Which means Trump now only has eight words in his vocabulary, and five once he realizes ‘tremendous’ is only one word.

16. During Thursday night’s Republican town hall, presidential candidate Donald Trump said he frequently eats fast food. Adding he eats a Big Mac at McDonalds, fried chicken at KFC and a chalupa covered in spit at Taco Bell.

December 16, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A woman in India last week named her newborn son “Uber” after delivering the child while using the ride sharing app. Which is ironic, because, after the rating that driver gave her, she’ll never be able to use the app ever again.

2. A company on Amazon has started selling Star Wars-themed condoms. The condoms are called, “Luke, I’m not you’re father.”

3. Three men were arrested on Monday for engaging in a wide-ranging hacking and spamming scheme that targeted the personal information of 60 million Comcast customers. Customers became suspicious that they weren’t talking to an actual Comcast representative when the person on the other end of the line was actually helpful.

4. According to a new study, many parents don’t realize when their children are overweight. “Don’t worry, we’ll tell them,” said bullies.

5. According to a new study, smoking and exposure to secondhand smoke is tied to infertility in women. Begging the question, how can we get Kim Kardashian to start smoking?

6. A group of Detroit-area teachers got sick last week after unwittingly eating a batch of marijuana-laced brownies left in the teachers lounge. The affected teachers learned not to eat random food and the art teacher learned to leave his brownies lying around.

7. Brazilian international soccer star Shakhtar Donetsk has received a one-year suspension for doping. Which is bad news for Brazil’s Olympic hopes, but great news for any soccer announcer who would have had to try to pronounce that atrocity of a name.

8. Miami Heat rookie and Duke alumni Justice Winslow said Wikipedia helped him get through school. That’s outrageous, at a prestigious school like Duke they should have other, smarter students doing the basketball players’ work for them.

9. Handbags, clothes and jewelry owned by the late British prime minister Margaret Thatcher went on sale yesterday. “Where can I bid on those?” said presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Carly Fiorina, and Lindsey Graham.

10. In a study of elected presidents and prime ministers from 17 countries, the winners typically lived 2.7 fewer years and had a 23 percent greater risk of premature death than runners-up who never served in their nation’s highest office. But the study found there are some simple things that can improve the winners’ health, like running at least three times a week, cutting down on eating red meat and not riding in a convertible through Dallas, Texas.

January 30, 2015 -Monologue Jokes

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1. According to controversial new regulations, female athletes with as much testosterone in their blood as some men are not allowed to compete in women’s sporting events. Said one WNBA fan, “Those were women!?!”

2. After a series of flops, Johnny Depp is looking for new management. So I guess you can fire a dartboard.

3. Rapper Vanilla Ice is set to play Mark Twain in Adam Sandler’s next movie. Said Sandler, “Fuck Mark Twain.”

4. Rapper Vanilla Ice is set to play Mark Twain in Adam Sandler’s next movie. “Do you spell ‘Vanilla’ with one L or two?” said the guy who engraves the Razzie Awards.

5. On Wednesday, singer Justin Bieber posted a heartfelt video on social media apologizing for acting arrogant or conceited. And by “acting arrogant or conceited” I assume he meant “making music.”

6. On Thursday, attorneys for Aaron Hernandez argued that the former New England Patriot had no reason to kill the semiprofessional football player he is charged with murdering, but was targeting by law enforcement because of his fame. And, with arguments like that, it won’t be too long until the attorneys become the next target.

7. On Thursday, SuperBowl halftime entertainment Katy Perry hinted that her performance may contain live sharks. Perry said the plan to use the animals has been in the works for a long time since she was sure the sharks’ arch rivals, the Jets, would never make the SuperBowl.

8. The Vatican announced that it will offer homeless people in Rome free showers, haircuts and shaves when new facilities open next month. Not to be outdone, to tackle their own homeless problem, New York City announced a program to buy all its homeless residents one-way tickets to Rome.

9. Cable company Comcast changed the name of a customer on its bill from Ricardo Brown to Asshole Brown. Which is either an insult to Brown or a clean bill of health from his proctologist.

10. Many New Yorkers are angry at meteorologists for promising more inches of snow than actually fell during this week’s blizzard. “Imagine how we feel,” said the meteorologists’ wives.

11. GoDaddy has pulled its upcoming SuperBowl commercial after PETA complained the ad was cruel to animals. Proving once again that no one, not even PETA, cares about Danica Patrick.

12. Attorney General nominee Loretta Lynch was questioned by Republicans on immigration, marijuana and even polygamy on Wednesday during a Senate Judiciary Committee confirmation hearing. Said Mitch McConnell, “What is your stance on you, me, 1/8 of weed, Mexico and a couple of chicks?”

13. According to reports, Americans will spend $700 million on their pets this Valentine’s Day. “Nibbles is worth every penny,” said Richard Gere.

14. Former Texas Governor Rick Perry said a criminal prosecution against him for abuse of power had not affected his decision on whether to run for the presidency in 2016. It’s good to see, even in times of turmoil, Perry’s decision-making ability is still terrible.

15. Billionaire investor Carl Ichan said on Wednesday that he sold Netflix shares too soon, admitting that his son Brett was correct to believe the stock was undervalued. Which may explain why Ichan has bought all the remaining tickets to Coachella.

16. Police are looking for a 12-year-old girl who was allegedly involved in a $46-million diamond heist at a jewelry store in Hong Kong. Authorities said they haven’t seen a girl that young with a diamond that big since wedding season in Arkansas.

17. Alec Baldwin has signed a deal to pen a memoir due out in 2016. Alec said he plans on including pictures and pop-up features to make the book more appealing to kids and Stephen Baldwin.

May 9, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Lawmakers expressed concerns about the merger of the top two cable operators, Comcast and Time Warner, at a congressional hearing on Thursday. But, in the cable providers’ defense, how could their service get any worse?

2. A man who appeared on a Turkish dating show in search of a new partner shocked the audience by revealing he had murdered his former wife and a former lover. Begging the question, what was O.J. Simpson doing in Turkey?

3. A man who appeared on a Turkish dating show in search of a new partner shocked the audience by revealing he had murdered his former wife and a former lover. Despite that, I still give this couple better odds of making it than anyone who met on “the Bachelor.”

4. The cover of the current issue of “Rolling Stone” features actor Neil Patrick Harris wearing nothing but a bowtie and a well-placed top hot. Or, as it is known on Fire Island, formal wear.

5. On Thursday, the FCC announced a $2.4 million fine against Dialing Services, a New Mexico-based firm that the FCC says continued to place robocalls over the past year despite having been warned against doing so in March 2013. When contacted about the story, the firm replied, “If you’d like to hear our side of the story, press one. If you’d like to be added to our mailing list, press two. If you’re the FCC, please fuck off and press three. To hear those options again, press nine.”

6. According to the Financial Times, Apple is close to buying headphone maker Beats Electronics for $3.2 billion. But, as is usually the case, Apple will probably lose them and be forced to buy a whole new headphone company next week.

7. This week, window cleaners in Pittsburgh dressed up like superheroes in order to cheer up patients at a children’s hospital. Unfortunately, the kids learned the hard way that this Superman couldn’t fly.

8. According to a survey by the Durex condom company, people in Mexico have the most exciting sex. “I’m not sure I’d call it ‘exciting,’” said the donkey.

9. According to an online report, Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling claimed in a new recording he is not a bigot. Look, I don’t know if he’s a bigot, but I can say with certainty that he’s an idiot if he’s still recording himself.

10. A 27-year-old Japanese man was arrested on Thursday for illegally possessing handguns made by a 3-D printer. I miss the old days when Japanese men were arrested for possessing handguns made from origami.

11. The New York Public Library announced it is abandoning a controversial renovation plan that would have replaced floors of research material with a circulating library. “Understood, but how will this affect my ability to shit here?” said homeless people.

12. Yesterday, Burger King announced that it will be adding hamburgers, cheeseburgers and french fries to its breakfast menu. Although, if you’re the type of person who thinks it’s a good idea to eat a cheeseburger right when you wake up, I’m guessing it wasn’t that much of a fast to break to begin with.

13. Florida Democrat Charlie Crist is exploring a possible trip to Cuba this summer as part of his campaign to win the state’s governorship. But, will most likely reconsider once he figures out how voting works.

14. According to a new survey, buying a dog can be a key to fixing a failing relationship. Because then you can start blaming shit on the dog.

15. On Wednesday, the new head of a congressional panel investigating the 2012 attack on U.S. diplomatic facilities in Benghazi criticized some Republicans’ use of the deadly incident to raise campaign funds. Said Rudy Giuliani, “9-11, 9-11, 9-11.”

16. According to a recent study, people can instinctively tell the difference between real and fake laughter. “The gig is up,” said the executive producer of “Two and a Half Men.”

17. The first person on the scene after Oscar Pistorius shot and killed his girlfriend testified this week that he was praying, crying and pleading with her not to die. The witness said when she first arrived Pistorius was down on his knees praying, then he was down on his knees talking to the police, later he was down on his knees making a sandwich.

18. The Florida State Legislature voted on Friday to let a Mexican-born, non-U.S. citizen practice law in the state. Next on the docket for the Florida Legislature, coming up with laws.

November 15, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Convicted Boston gangster James “Whitey” Bulger was sentenced on Thursday to two life terms plus five years as the architect of a criminal enterprise that, in the words of the judge, committed “unfathomable” acts that terrorized the city. Well, if that’s the illegal, shouldn’t the Buffalo Bills be behind bars by now?

2. A Canadian woman accused of leaving numerous unanswered emails and voicemails and stalking actor Alec Baldwin was sentenced to 210 days in jail yesterday. “I feel for her. We have a lot in common, Alec doesn’t answer my calls either,” said Stephen Baldwin.

3. According to reports, Comcast plans to start selling movies for download and streaming through set-top cable boxes. Said a Comcast representative, “We wanted to expand our services into fucking up movies as well.”

4. According to a new report, when a husband or wife dies, the surviving spouse faces a higher risk of dying over the next few months. “Really? I fell great,” said O.J. Simpson.

5. On Wednesday, Universal Pictures announced that the film adaptation of best-selling erotic novel “Fifty Shades of Grey” has been pushed back to 2015. Said fans of the novel, “This delay is torture, sweet, sweet torture.”

6. The Supreme Court on Thursday said an Arkansas prison inmate should be allowed to maintain a beards while he contests the prison’s grooming policy. Begging the question, how disgusting of a human being do you have to be to fail the Arkansas prison grooming policy?

7. Fossils of two dinosaurs found in Montana and locked in an eternal battle could fetch a potential record $9 million when they are sold in New York next week. So if we can get Abe Vigoda to fight Larry King, in 10,000 years we all be filthy rich.

8. More bad news for embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, he has now been uninvited from the city’s Christmas parade. So good luck to the parents of Toronto in explaining why Santa is so skinny this year.

9. A team of University of South Carolina researchers has discovered a new breed of hammerhead shark they named the Carolina hammerhead. It’s just like the regular hammerhead, only it’s completely inbred.

10. Research has shown, college-age drinkers who mix caffeine and alcohol are more likely to make risky decisions. This study was published in “The Journal of Shit We Already Knew About Teenagers.”

October 29, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Over the weekend, Malaysian authorities pulled the plug on a Ke$ha concert scheduled for Saturday, threatening the singer with jail time if she took the stage. Begging the question, why don’t we all live in Malaysia?

2. On Sunday, four inmates escaped from an Oklahoma jail by prying open a maintenance hatch in the shower room. Prior to the escape, “prying open a maintenance hatch in a prison shower room” had a completely different meaning.

3. A teacher’s assistant at the University of Iowa accidentally attached nude photos of herself to email that was sent out to her entire class. And, in a related story, the wait-list for that class just got a whole lot longer.

4. A “networking-component” in the Obamacare system failed Sunday and the attempted fix crashed the system, leaving users unable to apply for health coverage. This may be the best example ever of the blind leading the actual blind.

5. Scientists have found what they’re describing as a “lost world” on the northern tip of Queensland, Australia, hosting at least three previously undocumented species, including a frog that makes love in the rain. Which may explain why the married versions of these frogs are indigenous to the Death Valley, California area.

6. A British man has been arrested in England and charged by the U.S. with hacking into U.S. government computers to steal confidential data and disrupt operations. If convicted, the man could face a sentence of up to 10 years as the head of the NSA.

7. A new study suggests, children who grow up in poor families may have smaller brains than their more well-off peers. This according to the Hamptons Journal of Haughty Snobbery.

8. On Monday, rapper 50 Cent struck a deal with Los Angeles prosecutors for three years’ probation and 30 days of community service after allegedly kicking the mother of his child during a June altercation. “That sounds good, I’ll take that, too,” said Chris Brown.

9. On Monday, James Comey, the new head of the FBI, ordered all new agents to visit the national monument to late civil rights leader Martin Luther King, Jr. as a reminder not to repeat the abuses of the bureau’s past. Although Comey doesn’t not appear to be heeding his own words considering he gave this new directive while wearing a dress.

10. As a result of consumer demand, Comcast will soon provide a pared-down basic cable package that includes about 10 channels, HBO, internet access and the option to purchase premium movies, all for approximately $50 a month. This new customer-based approach is a sharp departure from Comcast’s previous company policy, “Fuck the customer.”

October 10, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Cell phones users will soon be able to log onto a mobile app, indicate a desired amount of money and receive it within seconds from an ATM, without the use of a debit card. “Finally,” said muggers.

2. Yesterday, MMA fighter Claudinei Angelo, upset that he was denied a timeout by the referee during a bout, jumped out of the cage and quit the fight mid-match. By the way Angelo handles problems, I think it’s safe to assume he’s a Republican.

3. Representative Bill Young of Florida, the longest serving Republican in the House, will retire when his term ends in 2014. “Don’t worry, you’ll have a lot of company,” said voters.

4. Country singer Taylor Swift will be honored as this year’s songwriter and artist of the year by the Nashville Songwriters Association International, making her the only artist to win the award six times and also marking the longest relationship she’s ever had.

5. It was announced on Wednesday that actress Hayden Panettiere and boxer Vladimir Klitschko are engaged. Reportedly Klitschko got down on one to knee to pop the question, not out of tradition, but so he could look Panettiere in the eye.

6. British actor Benedict Cumberbatch, feisty Australian comic Rebel Wilson and country music newcomer Kasey Musgraves are among nine rising stars on People magazine’s “Ones to Watch” list. People usually names an even ten “rising stars,” but Wilson took up two pages.

7. Comcast announced on Wednesday that it has declared a new remote control feature in partnership with Twitter that allows users to turn the channel through a tweet. This falls in line with Comcast’s motto “Making Things More Difficult Than They Need To Be Since 1983.”

8. On Wednesday, the judge in the murder trial of former NFL player Aaron Hernandez declined to issue a gag order prohibiting the lawyers from speaking about the case publicly. Said Hernandez, “From my experience, gag orders don’t work, if you want to prevent people from talking you really have to go that extra mile.”

9. Monday night, actor Tom Hanks revealed that he has recently been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. So watch your back Wilford Brimley.

10. A costumed Elmo, who worked in New York’s Times Square, was sent to jail yesterday for trying to extort $2 million from the Girl Scouts. The case hinged on the testimony of an unidentified accomplice-turned-informant who later said, “C is for criminal.”