October 12, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump tweeted “It is so nice that the shackles have been taken off me and I can now fight for America the way I want to.” Which is weird, because with those tiny little hands of his, you’d think he would have been able to slip out of those shackles a lot sooner.

2. Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump tweeted “It is so nice that the shackles have been taken off me and I can now fight for America the way I want to.” So attention all women, take extra precaution to protect all grab-able body parts, because he now has a full range of motion.

3. Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump tweeted “It is so nice that the shackles have been taken off me and I can now fight for America the way I want to.” “You might want to hang onto those shackles,” said the people investigating Trump University.

4. Comcast is being forced to pay the largest fine the FCC has ever levied against a cable operator for charging customers for services and equipment they didn’t ask for. Or, as Wells Fargo refers to it, good business.

5. A new study warns that astronauts traveling to Mars could suffer brain damage. Which explains why, after “the Martian,” Matt Damon thought it was a good idea, as a white man, to star in a Chinese epic called “the Great Wall.”

6. On Monday, actor Leonardo DiCaprio revealed that he has signed up to be an astronaut on SpaceX’s highly anticipated trip to Mars. Said DiCaprio, “I’ve already fucked every supermodel on Earth.”

7. On Monday, 1,201 married couples gathered at Western Michigan University to renew their vows, breaking a world record. The last time there were that many married couples in one place Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Newt Gingrich and all their ex-wives got together for a very uncomfortable dinner.

8. There’s a new trend where people dab small amounts of their own urine onto their faces in bid to give themselves clearer, healthier-looking skin. “That’s insane! Why would you want a small amount of your own urine on your face?” said R Kelly.

9. Yesterday, President Obama vowed that America will be the first country to land on Mars. And then Vice President Biden made a joke about Uranus.

10. FoxNews’ Geraldo Rivera said this week he has additional audio tapes of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump saying embarrassing things. For instance, in one tape, Trump refers to Rivera as “a close friend.”

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