February 19, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, Malachi Love-Robinson, an 18-year-old Florida teen, was arrested after opening a medical office in West Palm Beach and presenting himself as a doctor. Luckily, according to the Malachi, he is also a lawyer so he will be able to represent himself.

2. Pope Francis said Thursday that GOP front-runner Donald Trump “is not Christian.”. Which, I assume, means he’s Jewish because he’s definitely not Muslim.

3. Bernie Sanders, in an interview with BET, accused Hillary Clinton of cozying up to President Obama in order to pander to African-Americans. Although, he probably could have made his point without using the words ‘dawg’ and ‘yo’ so much.

4. During Thursday night’s Republican town hall, presidential candidate Jeb Bush said recreational drug use is bad because it can prevent people from reaching their goals. For instance, I have a brother who used drugs recreationally and, now, as a result, I can’t reach my goal of being president.

5. During Thursday night’s Republican town hall, Jeb Bush said he was reading a book on his father, former president George H.W. Bush, and learned how hard it was for his dad to lose the 1992 presidential election. A lesson that he soon won’t need to learn from a book.

6. According to a new study, more than one out of three American adults do not get enough sleep. The study was conducted somewhere other than a Ben Carson rally.

7. In a recent interview, the lawyer for the recently recaptured drug kingpin El Chapo said his client feels that he’s a victim of “physical and mental torture” because guards wake him up every two hours. Oh, is he not enjoying jail. They’re not waking him up to be mean, they’re just checking that he’s still there, that happens when you keep escaping.

8. Former NFL wide receiver Reggie Rucker was charged in federal court with illegally siphoning off more than $100,000 from his anti-violence charities to pay off gambling debts and personal expenses. Authorities became suspicious when an NFL player spoke up against violence.

9. An Army lab has created a ready-to-eat pizza that lasts up to three years. Afterwhich, it can be used as a cyanide capsule.

10. On Thursday, the Senate voted 75 to 20 to approve a bill closing a loophole that allowed goods made by slaves to enter the U.S. market. “Define ‘slaves’,” said Apple.

11. Rapper Kanye West, who says he is $53 million in debt, has asked Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg to invest $1 billion into his “ideas.” So far, Kanye’s best idea is to steal $1 billion from Mark Zuckerberg.

12. Over the weekend, Sports Illustrated announced that, for the first time in the 52 year history of its swimsuit issue, three models, Ronda Rousey, Hailey Clauson and Ashley Graham, will grace the cover. Which is ridiculous, because how is Derek Jeter supposed to find time to sleep with all three of them?

13. Customers of TV and internet service provider Comcast were irate on Monday after widespread outages. “But outages imply that you had tv and internet service at one point,” said impressed Time Warner customers.

14. Police in California are asking for the public’s help after blow darts hit two people who were walking on the Golden Gate Bridge. So far here are their top suspects:
lineup

15. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump promised to stop using vulgarities on the campaign trail. Which means Trump now only has eight words in his vocabulary, and five once he realizes ‘tremendous’ is only one word.

16. During Thursday night’s Republican town hall, presidential candidate Donald Trump said he frequently eats fast food. Adding he eats a Big Mac at McDonalds, fried chicken at KFC and a chalupa covered in spit at Taco Bell.

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