December 16, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A woman in India last week named her newborn son “Uber” after delivering the child while using the ride sharing app. Which is ironic, because, after the rating that driver gave her, she’ll never be able to use the app ever again.

2. A company on Amazon has started selling Star Wars-themed condoms. The condoms are called, “Luke, I’m not you’re father.”

3. Three men were arrested on Monday for engaging in a wide-ranging hacking and spamming scheme that targeted the personal information of 60 million Comcast customers. Customers became suspicious that they weren’t talking to an actual Comcast representative when the person on the other end of the line was actually helpful.

4. According to a new study, many parents don’t realize when their children are overweight. “Don’t worry, we’ll tell them,” said bullies.

5. According to a new study, smoking and exposure to secondhand smoke is tied to infertility in women. Begging the question, how can we get Kim Kardashian to start smoking?

6. A group of Detroit-area teachers got sick last week after unwittingly eating a batch of marijuana-laced brownies left in the teachers lounge. The affected teachers learned not to eat random food and the art teacher learned to leave his brownies lying around.

7. Brazilian international soccer star Shakhtar Donetsk has received a one-year suspension for doping. Which is bad news for Brazil’s Olympic hopes, but great news for any soccer announcer who would have had to try to pronounce that atrocity of a name.

8. Miami Heat rookie and Duke alumni Justice Winslow said Wikipedia helped him get through school. That’s outrageous, at a prestigious school like Duke they should have other, smarter students doing the basketball players’ work for them.

9. Handbags, clothes and jewelry owned by the late British prime minister Margaret Thatcher went on sale yesterday. “Where can I bid on those?” said presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Carly Fiorina, and Lindsey Graham.

10. In a study of elected presidents and prime ministers from 17 countries, the winners typically lived 2.7 fewer years and had a 23 percent greater risk of premature death than runners-up who never served in their nation’s highest office. But the study found there are some simple things that can improve the winners’ health, like running at least three times a week, cutting down on eating red meat and not riding in a convertible through Dallas, Texas.

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