January 20, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Madame Tussauds waxwork museum in London announced last week that it had removed figures of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle from their royal exhibit. The last time a room full of royals cleared out that quickly the Queen ripped a mean one. 

2. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a candle that she claims smells like her vagina. And if you purchase that candle you can expect to hear a lot of questions like ‘Why did you buy this?’ and ‘How did this happen?’ and ‘Are you cooking fish?’ 

3. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. So, yeah, that’s not a spit bucket. 

4. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. Begging the question, who is my thirteen-year-old nephew training to fight? 

5. Five California mountain lions were seen together on home surveillance video this week. It’s the most disturbing grouping of large cats since:

6. A German Shepherd in North Carolina gave birth to a green puppy last week. “I know what you’re thinking,” said the family’s pet turtle. 

7. Chris Beart, the rapper who cut off his own penis before jumping off a two-story building in 2014, recently got married. Said the groomsman who disapproved of the marriage, “This is going to be the second worst decision you’ve ever made.”

8. A new study found no strong evidence linking baby powder to ovarian cancer. Great news for LeBron James’ ovaries:

9. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced last week that they will be “stepping back” from their role as royals, moving to America, and “will work to become financially independent.” That story again, Harry will be answering to a new King:

10. Last week, a Florida man pled guilty to a trafficking scheme in which live water monitor lizards were concealed inside electronic equipment and smuggled from the Philippines into the U.S. Which explains why my fax machine just ate my cat.

11. Police in Florida are seeking help locating a burglar who broke into a house and told the owners he was “there to suck toes.” That story again, Quentin Tarantino is apparently scouting filming locations in Florida.

12. Scientists recently conducted a study in which they put 3D glasses on cuttlefish and showed them film clips. The study found that if you put 3D glasses on cuttlefish for a long enough period you’ll lose your job as a scientist.

13. Last week, Georgia authorities say a man broke into a Taco Bell restaurant, prepared food, and took a nap inside. The man made a meal and took a nap or, as President Trump refers to it, a full workday.

14. According to a new study, older people who frequent art galleries and museums and attend the theater may live longer than those who don’t. “Strongly disagree?” said the ghost of Lincoln.

15. It was revealed this week that the New York Public Library’s most checked-out book of all time is the children’s book “The Snowy Day.” While the Library’s least checked-out book, “The Erotic Tales of Wilford Brimley.”

16. Monday night, the LSU Tigers beat the Clemson Tigers 42-25 to win the college football National Championship. It’s the first time a tiger beat itself since:

17. According to a new study, Mars is losing water quicker than expected. That story again, Mars is still more inhabitable than Flint, Michigan.

18. On Monday, the Cleveland Browns named Kevin Stefanski their new head coach because, I assume, he was the last one to say ‘Not it.’

19. A Florida woman was arrested this week for building a bomb in a Walmart from items she found in the store. So, just one item?:

20. Last week, a man asked a court to grant his motion for trial by combat so he can meet his ex-wife and her attorney “on the field of battle.” “Hey at least I asked the court ahead of time this time,” said O.J.

October 10, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Cell phones users will soon be able to log onto a mobile app, indicate a desired amount of money and receive it within seconds from an ATM, without the use of a debit card. “Finally,” said muggers.

2. Yesterday, MMA fighter Claudinei Angelo, upset that he was denied a timeout by the referee during a bout, jumped out of the cage and quit the fight mid-match. By the way Angelo handles problems, I think it’s safe to assume he’s a Republican.

3. Representative Bill Young of Florida, the longest serving Republican in the House, will retire when his term ends in 2014. “Don’t worry, you’ll have a lot of company,” said voters.

4. Country singer Taylor Swift will be honored as this year’s songwriter and artist of the year by the Nashville Songwriters Association International, making her the only artist to win the award six times and also marking the longest relationship she’s ever had.

5. It was announced on Wednesday that actress Hayden Panettiere and boxer Vladimir Klitschko are engaged. Reportedly Klitschko got down on one to knee to pop the question, not out of tradition, but so he could look Panettiere in the eye.

6. British actor Benedict Cumberbatch, feisty Australian comic Rebel Wilson and country music newcomer Kasey Musgraves are among nine rising stars on People magazine’s “Ones to Watch” list. People usually names an even ten “rising stars,” but Wilson took up two pages.

7. Comcast announced on Wednesday that it has declared a new remote control feature in partnership with Twitter that allows users to turn the channel through a tweet. This falls in line with Comcast’s motto “Making Things More Difficult Than They Need To Be Since 1983.”

8. On Wednesday, the judge in the murder trial of former NFL player Aaron Hernandez declined to issue a gag order prohibiting the lawyers from speaking about the case publicly. Said Hernandez, “From my experience, gag orders don’t work, if you want to prevent people from talking you really have to go that extra mile.”

9. Monday night, actor Tom Hanks revealed that he has recently been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. So watch your back Wilford Brimley.

10. A costumed Elmo, who worked in New York’s Times Square, was sent to jail yesterday for trying to extort $2 million from the Girl Scouts. The case hinged on the testimony of an unidentified accomplice-turned-informant who later said, “C is for criminal.”