February 3, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump said on Monday the United States and China were in close contact regarding the newly identified coronavirus outbreak. “Close contact? Be careful, you might contract something,” said China:

 2. Last week, scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. Scientists made this discovery by showing the movie “Cats” to a bunch of sharks and watching them walk out of the theater. 

3. ‘Rolling Stone’ reported this week that during a listening party for his new record, singer Justin Bieber cried during the album’s playback. Crying because you’re being forced to listen to Justin Bieber music is the most relatable Justin Bieber has ever been. 

4. London’s first cheese-themed hotel opened last week. There are only rooms for one, because if your lifestyle makes you want to sleep in a cheese hotel, you’re probably provolone. 

5. NASA recently announced that it wants to put a female astronaut on the moon by 2024. While Mike Pence wants to put all women there by 2025.

6. Author Mary Higgins Clark, known as the ‘Queen of Suspense,’ died on Friday at the age of 92. Or did she? 

7. Doctors have issued a warning telling young men not to masturbate using banana peels, which has become a trend circulating on social media. Otherwise you may find out just how curious George really is.

8. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has announced that his forthcoming tell-all book will be called “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir.” It will be the first book told entirely from the Presidential bathroom. 

9. Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has already spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on campaign ads. It’s all part of Bloomberg’s plan to be more omni-present and annoying than Flo from Progressive. 

10. Border agents arrested a 36-year-old US citizen this week after finding 222 pounds of liquid meth in his truck. To give you an idea, this is what 222 pounds of meth looks like:

11. A man in China recently ate several live eels in an attempt to cure his constipation. “No matter how this ends, it’s gonna be my problem” said the aquarium’s janitor.

12. Last week, it was announced on Twitter that Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has died. Although the timing of his death is suspicious since it came so quickly after the release of this photo:

13. An ad appearing in the Waze navigation app is misdirecting motorists trying to get to Atlantic City’s Borgata Casino into the wilderness of New Jersey instead. The ad is actually from the Borgata, specifically the casino’s collections department:

14. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’ wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer. “So it was the swimsuit edition,” said lesbians.

15. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. During the first episode Gunther calls the cops on the six black people for loitering in the coffee shop. 

16. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. Great news, we already have our Rachel:

17. Tinder is adding new safety features, including a panic button that alerts safety authorities if something goes wrong during a date. That’s crazy because it implies that something could go right on a Tinder date.

18. “Doctor Who” made history with its first ever black Doctor, who was revealed during Sunday night’s episode. Unfortunately it was Dr. Conrad Murray:

19. Twitter said on Monday accounts of several NFL teams, including the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs, were hacked, ahead of the Super Bowl. And apparently the Cleveland Browns:

20. President Trump tweeted in Arabic and Hebrew this week to promote his new Middle East peace deal. Begging the question, how can you even tell in Trump’s tweets are in a different language:

21. According to reports, Queen Elizabeth initially wanted to demote Prince Harry to an Earl upon hearing his decision to leave the Royal Family. “Vicious burn!” said the whitest people you know. 

22. A woman was arrested last week after attempting to sneak into the U.S. from Canada by running through a library that straddles the border between Quebec and Vermont. Police suspected she wasn’t American because she was in a library.

July 6, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Sunday, NBA All-Star and future Hall-of-Famer LeBron James signed a 4-year deal with the Los Angeles Lakers. That story again, John Travolta no longer has the worst hairline in Hollywood:

2. On Sunday, NBA All-Star and future Hall-of-Famer LeBron James signed a 4-year deal to become a Los Angeles Laker. “When did LeBron leave?” asked J.R. Smith seven months from now.

3. Bad news for the city of Cleveland, on Sunday NBA All Star LeBron James announced that he is leaving Cleveland for Los Angeles. And, in even worse news for Cleveland, the Browns announced they are staying.

4. The Moscow zoo has named a new-born eagle after Igor Akinfeev, the star goalkeeper who helped Russia beat Spain and advance to the World Cup quarter-finals. Which means there’s a fifty percent chance that next week’s headline, after Russia’s inevitable loss, of “Igor Akinfeev fed to the lions” will be referring to the bird.

5. On Friday, Comcast, which owns NBC, suffered a massive outage, leaving many customers nationwide without television. The last time NBC caused that many TVs to be shut off, they were airing ‘Marlon’:

6. A draft of a bill from the Trump administration proposed having the U.S. abandon key World Trade Organization principles. And, just to make sure Trump continues to ignore the WTO, they have renamed it Eric.

7. The adult website Pornhub is rolling out a new feature that adds subtitles to videos for viewers who are deaf or hard-of-hearing. “I’m so excited to finally be able to write cleaner, more wholesome subtitles,” said the guy who used to write subtitles for Access Hollywood:

8. The adult website Pornhub is rolling out a new feature that adds subtitles to videos for viewers who are deaf or hard-of-hearing. Yeah, deaf or heard-of-hearing:

9. Weeks after ABC fired her for racist tweets, Roseanne Barr said she’s been fielding “many” TV offers. For instance, Time Warner offered to give her the first two months of cable for free.

10. U.S. Customs and Border Protection agents seized 108 counterfeit Super Bowl rings that were shipped into the country in June. Authorities became suspicious when they saw Mark Sanchez sporting a Super Bowl ring:

11. In a recent interview, actor Guy Pearce called fellow actor Kevin Spacey “handsy.” Which is like calling Bill Cosby a “mixologist.”

12. Walmart faced an outcry from Trump supporters on Tuesday for selling shirts bearing the slogan “Impeach 45.” No word on whether the supporters were upset with the slogan or the fact that the shirt had sleeves:

13. The captain of the Nigerian men’s national soccer team played a key World Cup match last week just hours after learning that his father had been kidnapped. “You think that’s bad, I play every game knowing that my dad is in the stands,” said Lonzo Ball:

14. This week, Michael Avenatti, the lawyer representing adult film actress Stormy Daniels, floated the possibility that he might run for president in 2020. You’d think a guy who represents porn stars would be more familiar with the idea of being over-exposed.

15. On Wednesday, Michael Cohen deleted “personal attorney to President Donald J. Trump” from his Twitter profile. Said President Trump, “You can delete things from Twitter!?!?!”:

16. The Korea Football Association has decided not to pursue charges against people who threw eggs at the national team after they arrived home from the World Cup. The South Korean soccer team said the incident was “disgraceful,” while the North Korean soccer team said “FREE EGGS!!!!”.

17. While giving a rally speech in Montana on Thursday, President Trump said he looked up into “their beautiful sky.” Which can only mean one thing, there must have been a solar eclipse in Montana on Thursday:

18. EPA chief Scott Pruitt resigned on Thursday under heavy fire for a series of ethics-related controversies. Pruitt knew it was finally time to leave and then stayed another ten months.

19. According to a new study, seeing the same doctor over the years helps people live longer. Counterpoint, Dr. Conrad Murray:

20. Last week, comedian Stuttering John Melendez, known for having a very pronounce speech impediment, prank called the White House and was put through to the President. Begging the question, how did he even understand a single thing that guy was saying, also, it probably wasn’t easy listening to the guy with the stutter either.

October 6, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, presidential hopeful Donald Trump jokingly sent a case of Trump Ice Natural Spring Water to rival Marco Rubio with the note “Since you’re always sweating, we thought you could use some water. Enjoy.” And, as a final insult, they put the water bottles just out of Rubio’s reach.

2. Disneyland has upped the price of its most expensive yearly passes to $1,049 from $779. Disney execs said they increased the price to make up for the expected loses now that their most loyal customer, Jared Fogle, is in jail.

3. According to a new study, Singapore is the country with the smartest high-school-aged kids in the world. Not to be outdone, American high-school students just learned that Singapore is a country.

4. Physician-assisted suicide will become legal in California under a bill signed into law by Governor Jerry Brown on Monday. “I’m back, baby!” said Dr. Conrad Murray.

5. Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton on Monday said removing Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is a top priority. Wait, she wants to be president of that country, too!?!

6. A hunter in Montana claims he fended off a grizzly bear by shoving his arm into its throat to induce a gag reflex that frightened it away. Said the hunter, “But, if you encounter a bear without a gag reflex, marry it.”

7. In a recent interview, Kim Kardashian said pregnancy is the ‘worst experience’ of her life. Which is saying something coming from someone who has to try to carry on a coherent conversation with Kanye West on a daily basis.

8. On Monday, singer Nick Jonas denied ever wearing a diaper onstage while performing. “Don’t knock it till you try it” said the Rolling Stones.

9. In a recent interview, Donald Trump said it was important to be unpredictable. And, true to his word, he then complimented Carly Fiorina.

10. Pope Francis on Sunday reaffirmed the Catholic Church’s opposition to gay marriage. Adding, “But Ryan Gossling is making it really fucking difficult.”

March 26, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Former President George W. Bush will be in Dallas all this week raising money for his brother Jeb’s presidential run. So, if you’re in the Dallas-Ft. Worth area, be sure to stop by George’s lemonade stand.

2. According to research, seventy minutes of math and science homework per night is best for teenage students. As a result, the researchers have been given wedgies and stuffed into their lockers.

3. Yesterday, singer Zayn Malik announced that he is quitting the wildly popular boy-band One Direction. Malik said he made the decision after getting some good advice from Pete Best.

4. Ketchup maker Heinz is acquiring a majority stake in Kraft Foods to create the third-largest North American food company. Fourth, if Chris Christie ever becomes incorporated.

5. On Wednesday, a bill that would make physician-assisted suicide legal for terminally ill patients in California passed through the state Senate. “I guess I was just ahead of my time,” said Dr. Conrad Murray.

6. According to research, typing text messages, scrolling web pages and checking emails on your smartphone may be changing the way your thumbs and brain interact. Which may explain why some movie critics gave “Mortdechai” two thumbs up.

7. Major League Baseball said on Wednesday it was investigating whether Miami Marlins pitcher Jared Cosart discussed sports betting with an alleged gambler on Twitter. If found guilty, Cosart could be sentenced to up to five more years pitching for the Marlins.

8. This upcoming baseball season, the Milwaukee Brewers will be offering fried nachos on a stick, which will consist of a stick of beef, loaded with refried beans, rolled in Doritos, deep fried and then drizzled with sour cream and nacho cheese. This marks the biggest breakthrough in nacho-related technology since the nacho cheese hat.

9. This week, Taco Bell introduced a new breakfast menu item called biscuit tacos. You know, traditional Mexican food.

10. On Wednesday, the NBA announced that the Charlotte Hornets and the Los Angeles Clippers will play two pre-season games in China next year. The exhibition games will give Chinese kids the thrill of watching the basketball shoes they made in action.

October 28, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Former Florida Governor Charlie Crist launched a campaign-style video and website on Friday that threw open the door to a likely run for his old job in 2014. While Crist has the necessary experience to be Florida’s next governor, he is over-qualified for a run at the Presidency in 2016 since his new website actually works.

2. The San Francisco 49ers won a fifth straight game on Sunday, crushing the winless Jacksonville Jaguars 42-10 at London’s Wembley Stadium. The outcome is no surprise considering when the Jaguars were going through customs at Heathrow, when asked if they were in town for “business” or “pleasure,” the players answered “neither.”

3. The San Francisco 49ers won a fifth straight game on Sunday, crushing the winless Jacksonville Jaguars 42-10 at London’s Wembley Stadium. Not since Vanilla Ice embarked on a world tour, has someone traveled such a great distance for the opportunity to suck in front of a whole new crowd.

4. Rapper Chris Brown was arrested and charged with assault in Washington early Sunday morning after getting into a fight with a man outside a hotel. But, on the plus side, at least he’s punching guys now, that’s called progress.

5. Rapper Chris Brown was arrested and charged with assault in Washington early Sunday morning after getting into a fight with a man outside a hotel. “I thought I was special!” said Rihanna.

6. American artist Duke Riley is set to open an exhibit in New York City this week which documents his experience training pigeons to smuggle Cuban cigars out of Havana and into the U.S. So if you thought that cigar tasted like bird shit, you were right.

7. Actor Orlando Bloom and model Miranda Kerr are back on the market after the couple announced the end of their three-year marriage. Which may explain that long, slow once-over your girlfriend gave you this morning.

8. After serving two years in prison for causing the death of Michael Jackson, Dr. Conrad Murray is set to be freed from jail today. Can someone make sure he still has LaToya’s number?

9. Oversleeping due to a turkey dinner and false teeth flying out the car window were just two of the imaginative excuses employees gave bosses when calling in sick last year, according to a study released by job website CareerBuilder. Proving that American workers are willing to put in a hard day of work at the workplace as long as that work involves them not having to show up at their workplace.

10. On Sunday, Miguel Cabrera of the Detroit Tigers and Paul Goldschmidt of the Arizona Diamondbacks were selected as the winners of the Hank Aaron Award, given to the most outstanding offensive players of the year. While, for the fifth year in a row, New York Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez won the Barry Bonds Award, given to the most offensive player of the year.

Monologue Jokes – April 17, 2013

1. According to a new study, patients tend to do better when their doctors pay attention to their individual needs and circumstances. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you guys,” said Dr. Conrad Murray.

2. According to a new study, patients tend to do better when their doctors pay attention to their individual needs and circumstances. This study was published in the American Medical Journal of Duh.

3. Groups supporting the right to abortion filed suit on Tuesday challenging an Arkansas law that bans most abortions after 12 weeks. But then the judge clarified that the ban did not apply to instances of incest and everyone just went home.

4. The World Health Organization is sending an international team of flu experts to China to help with investigations into the deadly H7N9 bird flu virus. Said the experts, “Experts? I don’t know about that. I’m sure there are some other people you could find who are better, right?”

5. The World Health Organization is sending an international team of flu experts to China to help with investigations into the deadly H7N9 bird flu virus. The experts’ first recommendation, “Get us the fuck out of China.”

6. Yesterday, legendary sports announcer Pat Summerall died at the age of 82. It has been reported that on this deathbed Summerall said, “I don’t want to live in a world where Eli Manning is a Pro-Bowler.”

7. Former “Beverly Hills, 90210” star Ian Ziering is slated to perform with the Chippendales all-male revue in Law Vegas this summer. It’s like an eerie glimpse into the not-too-distance future, kid from “Two and a Half Men.”

8. A Chinese businessman now has the most expensive iPhone valued at $15.3 million. That’s a great investment, that will get a lot of use for the next few months until Apple comes out with the iPhone 6, you idiot.

9. Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, who was forced to resign due to his extra-marital affair with an Argentinian woman, has been ordered to appear in court over allegations that he trespassed at his ex-wife’s house. Listen lady, he runs off to Argentine to be with his mistress and you’re angry. He comes back to the house he shared with you and you’re angry. You can’t have it both ways.

10. U.S. health regulators announced on Tuesday that they will not approve any generic versions of the pain medication Oxycontin, which is widely abused because it can be crushed and then snorted or injected to produce a quick high. Said addicts everywhere, “Wait, you can inject it?”

Monologue Jokes – April 2, 2013

1. Michael Jackson’s last concert promoter will defend itself in a wrongful death lawsuit filed by the pop icon’s family by arguing that Jackson was responsible for his own demise. “Whew, dodged a bullet there,” said Joe Jackson.

2. Michael Jackson’s last concert promoter will defend itself in a wrongful death lawsuit filed by the pop icon’s family by arguing that Jackson was responsible for his own demise. “Then what the fuck am I doing here?” said Dr. Conrad Murray.

3. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie signed a bill into law on Monday banning children under the age of 17 from using commercial tanning beds. In a related story, Snooki has given her kid up for adoption.

4. On Monday, actress Lindsay Lohan tweeted, “It’s official. Pregnant…” But don’t worry, I’m willing to bet it’s not the first time. She’s registered at the local Planned Parenthood.

5. On Monday, cable network TBS extended comedian Conan O’Brien’s late-night talk show through November 2015. Meanwhile, George Lopez would like you to know that he still exists.

6. On Monday, cable network TBS extended comedian Conan O’Brien’s late-night talk show through November 2015. Unless NBC called. No? Okay, then we’re gonna stick with TBS.

7. An 80-year-old man, who has had four heart surgeries, is heading to Mount Everest to try to become the oldest person ever to reach the summit. He will undoubtedly be an inspiration for all future Everest climbers who will see his decaying dead body and know they made it further up the mountain than an 80-year-old.

8. An 80-year-old man, who has had four heart surgeries, is heading to Mount Everest to try to become the oldest person ever to reach the summit. I hope you make it, but don’t forget to pack sensible walking shoes, plenty of water and a bodybag.

9. Actress Angelina Jolie is set to use the proceeds from her jewelry line to open schools overseas. Said Jolie, “I’m so sick of adopting dumb babies.”

10. Apple CEO Tim Cook published a letter to Chinese customers apologizing for the problems associated with the company’s warranty policy in their country. Cook published a separate statement to Apple’s long-suffering Chinese employees that read, “Get back to work.”