January 30, 2015 -Monologue Jokes

1. According to controversial new regulations, female athletes with as much testosterone in their blood as some men are not allowed to compete in women’s sporting events. Said one WNBA fan, “Those were women!?!”

2. After a series of flops, Johnny Depp is looking for new management. So I guess you can fire a dartboard.

3. Rapper Vanilla Ice is set to play Mark Twain in Adam Sandler’s next movie. Said Sandler, “Fuck Mark Twain.”

4. Rapper Vanilla Ice is set to play Mark Twain in Adam Sandler’s next movie. “Do you spell ‘Vanilla’ with one L or two?” said the guy who engraves the Razzie Awards.

5. On Wednesday, singer Justin Bieber posted a heartfelt video on social media apologizing for acting arrogant or conceited. And by “acting arrogant or conceited” I assume he meant “making music.”

6. On Thursday, attorneys for Aaron Hernandez argued that the former New England Patriot had no reason to kill the semiprofessional football player he is charged with murdering, but was targeting by law enforcement because of his fame. And, with arguments like that, it won’t be too long until the attorneys become the next target.

7. On Thursday, SuperBowl halftime entertainment Katy Perry hinted that her performance may contain live sharks. Perry said the plan to use the animals has been in the works for a long time since she was sure the sharks’ arch rivals, the Jets, would never make the SuperBowl.

8. The Vatican announced that it will offer homeless people in Rome free showers, haircuts and shaves when new facilities open next month. Not to be outdone, to tackle their own homeless problem, New York City announced a program to buy all its homeless residents one-way tickets to Rome.

9. Cable company Comcast changed the name of a customer on its bill from Ricardo Brown to Asshole Brown. Which is either an insult to Brown or a clean bill of health from his proctologist.

10. Many New Yorkers are angry at meteorologists for promising more inches of snow than actually fell during this week’s blizzard. “Imagine how we feel,” said the meteorologists’ wives.

11. GoDaddy has pulled its upcoming SuperBowl commercial after PETA complained the ad was cruel to animals. Proving once again that no one, not even PETA, cares about Danica Patrick.

12. Attorney General nominee Loretta Lynch was questioned by Republicans on immigration, marijuana and even polygamy on Wednesday during a Senate Judiciary Committee confirmation hearing. Said Mitch McConnell, “What is your stance on you, me, 1/8 of weed, Mexico and a couple of chicks?”

13. According to reports, Americans will spend $700 million on their pets this Valentine’s Day. “Nibbles is worth every penny,” said Richard Gere.

14. Former Texas Governor Rick Perry said a criminal prosecution against him for abuse of power had not affected his decision on whether to run for the presidency in 2016. It’s good to see, even in times of turmoil, Perry’s decision-making ability is still terrible.

15. Billionaire investor Carl Ichan said on Wednesday that he sold Netflix shares too soon, admitting that his son Brett was correct to believe the stock was undervalued. Which may explain why Ichan has bought all the remaining tickets to Coachella.

16. Police are looking for a 12-year-old girl who was allegedly involved in a $46-million diamond heist at a jewelry store in Hong Kong. Authorities said they haven’t seen a girl that young with a diamond that big since wedding season in Arkansas.

17. Alec Baldwin has signed a deal to pen a memoir due out in 2016. Alec said he plans on including pictures and pop-up features to make the book more appealing to kids and Stephen Baldwin.

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