Tag Archives: Bill Young

October 11, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

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1. An Ohio man who disappeared in 1986, was declared legally dead in 1994 and resurfaced in 2005, failed to convince a judge to overturn his death filing, resulting in the man remaining dead in the state of Ohio. “Welcome to the club,” said LeBron James.

2. Former Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick on Thursday was sentenced to 28 years in prison after being convicted on two dozen federal charges. But, if you ask me, being sent to prison in Detroit seems a little redundant.

3. An investigation into the prison suicide of convicted kidnapper Ariel Castro found that he may have died by accident last month due to “auto-erotic asphyxiation.” This is one of those rare occurrence where dying from auto-erotic asphyxiation isn’t the thing your family is most ashamed of.

4. According to representatives, the Jonas Brothers have canceled their planned concert tour because of “a deep rift within the band” over its musical direction. Not to say I told you so, but I knew it was a bad idea for Joe to start dating Yoko.

5. Earlier this week, TMZ reported that openly gay basketball player Jason Collins was spotted playing in a gay kickball league in California. Begging the question, are there other types of kickball leagues?

6. On Wednesday, a British airport said that a passenger with almost no flying experience landed a light aircraft after being coached down by an instructor on the ground when the pilot fell ill at the controls mid-flight. Making the ordeal even more tedious, the passenger’s name was Shirley.

7. WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange penned an open letter to British actor Benedict Cumberbatch, who portrays Assange in an upcoming film, praising the actor’s talents but slamming his involvement with the film. Said Cumberbatch, “So I pissed off Julian Assange, what’s the worst that could happen?”

8. Doctors are hopeful that a new, internet-based system will be a useful tool in screening adults for mental health disorders and giving diagnoses. The system involves streaming the Adam Sandler movie “Jack and Jill” and, if the patient laughs at any point, diagnosing him as an idiot.

9. Paul McCartney performed a surprise concert in New York’s Times Square on Thursday to the delight of throngs of tourists and fans. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen to a Beatle surrounded by adoring fans in New York City?

10. On Thursday, Canadian author Alice Munro won the 2013 Nobel Prize for literature. Better luck next year Snooki.

11. Representative Bill Young of Florida, the longest serving Republican in the House, will retire when his terms ends in 2014. Young said he wants to spend more time with his family fucking up his own house.

12. According to a new study, dogs feel real love towards their owners. But sometimes I can’t tell if my dog loves me for me, or just for my leg.

October 10, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Cell phones users will soon be able to log onto a mobile app, indicate a desired amount of money and receive it within seconds from an ATM, without the use of a debit card. “Finally,” said muggers.

2. Yesterday, MMA fighter Claudinei Angelo, upset that he was denied a timeout by the referee during a bout, jumped out of the cage and quit the fight mid-match. By the way Angelo handles problems, I think it’s safe to assume he’s a Republican.

3. Representative Bill Young of Florida, the longest serving Republican in the House, will retire when his term ends in 2014. “Don’t worry, you’ll have a lot of company,” said voters.

4. Country singer Taylor Swift will be honored as this year’s songwriter and artist of the year by the Nashville Songwriters Association International, making her the only artist to win the award six times and also marking the longest relationship she’s ever had.

5. It was announced on Wednesday that actress Hayden Panettiere and boxer Vladimir Klitschko are engaged. Reportedly Klitschko got down on one to knee to pop the question, not out of tradition, but so he could look Panettiere in the eye.

6. British actor Benedict Cumberbatch, feisty Australian comic Rebel Wilson and country music newcomer Kasey Musgraves are among nine rising stars on People magazine’s “Ones to Watch” list. People usually names an even ten “rising stars,” but Wilson took up two pages.

7. Comcast announced on Wednesday that it has declared a new remote control feature in partnership with Twitter that allows users to turn the channel through a tweet. This falls in line with Comcast’s motto “Making Things More Difficult Than They Need To Be Since 1983.”

8. On Wednesday, the judge in the murder trial of former NFL player Aaron Hernandez declined to issue a gag order prohibiting the lawyers from speaking about the case publicly. Said Hernandez, “From my experience, gag orders don’t work, if you want to prevent people from talking you really have to go that extra mile.”

9. Monday night, actor Tom Hanks revealed that he has recently been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. So watch your back Wilford Brimley.

10. A costumed Elmo, who worked in New York’s Times Square, was sent to jail yesterday for trying to extort $2 million from the Girl Scouts. The case hinged on the testimony of an unidentified accomplice-turned-informant who later said, “C is for criminal.”