April 27, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Street artist Banksy revealed his latest work, a picture that he painted on the wall of his bathroom while under coronavirus quarantine. While my roommate revealed more of a Jackson Pollack in our shared bathroom.

2. An Iowa woman is sewing masks and hanging them on a ‘giving tree’ for anyone to take. In response, President Trump issued an executive order calling for us to plant more mask trees. 

3. Nicaragua’s president hasn’t been seen in public in over a month. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t a good idea to elect Shelly Miscavige as president of Nicaragua.

4. Convicted felon and preacher Jim Bakker recently said that his ministry will be “totally financially broke” within weeks if they don’t receive an influx of donations. Ironically, Bakker being in financial ruins is proof to me that there is a God.

5. Due to the coronavirus, many brides-to-be are now having virtual bachelorette parties. Which oddly means that the stripper is the only person wearing pants at the beginning of the Zoom call. 

6. Newly drafted New England Patriots rookie kicker Justin Rohrwasser has a tattoo on his left arm that resembles the logo of “The Three Percenters,” a right-wing militia group. Luckily drafting a player with troublesome tattoos has never burnt the Patriots before:

7. Peyton Manning, the number one overall pick by Indianapolis in the 1998 NFL Draft, said Sunday that he gave some advice to this year’s number one pick, quarterback Joe Burrow. That advice, be careful of the friends you surround yourself with:

8. Hall of Fame basketball player Michael Jordan will reportedly donate all proceeds he earns from his ‘Last Dance’ documentary to charity. That charity, the Las Vegas Wynn Resort and Casino.

9. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is brain dead after slipping into a coma during heart surgery. But, on the plus side, he’s still doing better than the doctor who operated on him:

10. President Trump said Tuesday he doesn’t know whether North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un is ill but nevertheless wished him luck. That story again, man with unknown illness wishes Kim Jong Un well.

11. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And also partially due to the fact that Gorsuch stopped showering months ago:

12. A village in Indonesia is using volunteers dressed as ghosts to scare people into social distancing. “Yeah … that’s why I’m dressed like this,“ said Stephen Miller:

13. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said he had a “productive” meeting with President Trump Tuesday at the White House. Adding, “Trump almost solved all of Blue’s clues.”

14. Deaf Americans are urging the White House to use sign language interpreters at coronavirus briefings. Said non-deaf Americans, “Trust me, you don’t want that.”

15. Workers in the port of Antwerp will begin testing wristbands developed that may help guarantee the social distancing required during the COVID-19 pandemic. Although there are much cheaper fashion assessors that will ensure people stay at least six feet away from you:

16. Isolation at home inspired one California family to build an elaborate two-story Rube Goldberg machine. The last time something completely useless took up two stories was everyday for the past three years:

17. The engineers at NASA have developed a ventilator prototype tailored to help coronavirus patients. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, thanks, but we’re drinking bleach now, so we’re all good. 

18. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Wednesday called the decision for President Donald Trump’s name to appear on stimulus checks amid the coronavirus pandemic “shameful.” She thinks that’s bad, wait til she finds out where he put his name:

19. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And Kavanaugh already has his Zoom background picked out:

20. President Trump recently said his decision to reopen the country will be the “toughest decision that he will ever make. Replacing his previous touches decision, original recipe or extra crispy:

21. Last week, actor Tom Hanks sent a letter and a typewriter to an Australian boy who wrote to him about being bullied over his name, Corona. Said the boy, “Thanks Mr. Hanks, it worked. They no longer tease me about my name, now they make fun of me for owning a fucking typewriter in 2020.”

22. It is being reported that actor Tom Hanks is donating his plasma in an effort to find a cure to the coronavirus. Not to be outdone, Hank’s ‘Bosom Buddies’ co-star Peter Scolari is donating his plasma for about twenty bucks.

23. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Which means he’s just one poorly-tailored suit away from being President: 

24. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Although if you can’t trust your bowels to make it through one protest, maybe you should be staying at home.

25. English soccer player Kyle Walker recently apologized for having a prostitute sex party amid the coronavirus lockdown. “Ew, that’s gross,” said Charlie Sheen of soccer. 

March 16, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Doctors who transplanted a complete penis onto a wounded soldier reported Wednesday that the man has regained near-normal erections and the ability to achieve orgasm more than one year after the surgery was completed. Said the soldier, “Please, just say normal erections.” 

2. A man was sentenced to thirty days in jail for posting a video of himself removing an ice cream container from a Texas market, licking the contents, and returning it to the freezer. “So I hear you like licking things,” said his cellmate.

3. Footwear company Crocs has announced a new collaboration with candy-maker Peeps to release brightly-colored clogs featuring chicks and bunnies for Easter. Hey, just because Jesus died for our sins doesn’t mean you should just walk around sinning.

4. This week, PGA Commissioner Jay Monahan said that Disneyland closing tis doors s prompted PGA Tour to do the same. And it’s not the first time golf has followed trends set by Disney:

5. Last week, Senator Ted Cruz announced that he will self-quarantine himself after interacting with an individual who tested positive for the novel coronavirus at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference. “Oh, man, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy,” said people after hearing that someone interacted with Ted Cruz.

6. Earlier this month, singer Justin Bieber turned 26. Which is apparently that weird age where you look like both the victim and the pedophile:

7. It was announced last week that Hachette Book Group was considering publishing director Woody Allen’s memoir. Here’s a first look at the cover:

8. Last weekend, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders held a rally featuring the rap group Public Enemy and actor Dick van Dyke. The crowd was a little taken aback by all the swearing and then Pubic Enemy took the stage.

9. Last week, Harvey Weinstein’s lawyers said that he’ll die behind bars if sentenced to more than five years. Said the judge, “You promise?”

10. A New Mexico woman faces charges after police say she stole a car and later tried to claim she was Beyonce. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed that ‘Beyonce’ was driving a Kia Sorento.

11. The Cleveland Browns are increasing their efforts to help stop the spread of coronavirus by announcing a work-from-home policy. Which seems pointless, the Browns never show up on game day anyway.

12. Oscar-winning actor Tom Hanks announced on Twitter that he’s tested positive for the coronavirus. Good lord, not beloved character actor Tom Hanks, someone send the National Guard to Betty White’s house.

13. The Trump campaign has reportedly canceled a Women for Trump bus tour due to concerns over the coronavirus. Or, more likely, they realized that it probably wasn’t a great idea to remind women of Trump’ behavior on buses:

14. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. Said Joe, “I love painting!”

15. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. And, if history is any guide, you can do that by just giving him an opened umbrella:

16. According to research, a new type of therapy using feces and fake rubber hands may be able to help patients with obsessive compulsive disorder overcome their fears of touching contaminated surfaces. Which doesn’t seem like something we should be trying to cure right now.

17. Last week, students at Penn State held a candle-light vigil for a campus Taco Bell that’s closing. Marking the first time anyone has ever lit a candle before eating Taco Bell:

18. A new dating app has launched in the UK for men with penises that are smaller than the global average. It’s just like Tinder except you’re disappointed before you even meet the guy.

19. In response to price-gauging, New York state said they will be producing their own hand sanitizer. Word of caution, if you run into this man on the Q train, he does not work for the state and that’s not hand sanitizer he’s producing:

20. Donald Trump Jr. wants to debate Hunter Biden on who’s benefited more from their dads. It will be there first debate where legally every answer has to start with “Actually.”

November 25, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a recent article, Mayor Pete Buttigieg only packed four shirts for his bus tour around Iowa. And when he says he only packed four shirts, he means it:

2. President Trump reportedly screened ‘The Joker’ last weekend at the White House for family and friends. “Wow, that was scary,” said Trump after seeing the Joker take on that many steps:

3. A 39-year-old Texas man living with his mom allegedly killed his mom’s dog because he couldn’t have sex in her house. Said the man, “If I can’t fuck that dog, no one can.”

4. Actress Emma Watson recently said she prefers to call herself “self-partnered” rather than single. Although has she considered that maybe she’s single because she insists on referring to herself as self-partnered?

5. Actress Emma Watson recently said she prefers to call herself “self-partnered” rather than single. I once got kicked out of an Applebees in Sheboygan for self-partnering myself.

6. In a statement released last week, White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham claimed that the recently released testimony shows there is “even less evidence for the impeachment inquiry.” Then she added, “Oh wait, I was holding it upside-down…oh, dear lord!”

7. Last week singer Justin Bieber released an all-natural, vegan deodorant called “Here & Now.” Because apparently after sucking in the medium of sound for so long, Bieber is now wants to destroy our sense of smell as well.

8. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is reportedly interested in purchasing a professional football team. “Professional? Well, that rules us out,” said the Dolphins.

9. Apple announced this week that it is aiming to launch its augmented-reality headset in 2022. “Sooner!” said people looking around at reality in 2019.

10. President Trump was not boo’d when he was shown on the Jumbotron during a University of Alabama football game last weekend. But that’s only because it’s early in the semester and the Bama students haven’t gotten to the letter ‘B’ yet:

11. According to President Trump, one of the first things world leaders do when meeting him is congratulate him on the U.S. economy. As opposed to the first thing President Trump does, which is ask them to investigate Hunter Biden.

12. According to a new poll, 56% of people use the internet to diagnosis themselves. Said Eric Trump, “Turns out I have a pretty severe case of ‘error 404 not found.’”

13. The start of the second half of Saturday’s Harvard-Yale football game was delayed by nearly an hour after a number of spectators came out of the stands and rushed the field to protest climate change. Officials became suspicious when they noticed there were spectators in the stands. 

14. On Sunday, actor Tom Hanks found out that he’s related to Mister Rogers. That story again, Mister Rogers fucked.

15. Billionaire former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg put his name on Democratic primary ballots in Texas on Wednesday. They say everything is bigger in Texas, which is great news for Bloomberg: 

16. Coldplay will not tour to promote their new album due concerns over the pollution caused by tour buses and private jets. So maybe global warming isn’t so bad.

17. A drunk man allegedly groped a woman on a flight while his young son was sitting next to him. But, on the plus side, at least Trump is hanging out with Barron now.

18. According to a new report, scientists have found a place in Ethiopia where life cannot exist due to its extreme environment. That story again, Africa has its own Detroit.

19. According to a new study, teens have a higher likelihood of using marijuana if their parents use the drug. When asked if he wanted his kids to smoke marijuana, singer Willie Nelson said, “I have kids?”

20. According to a recent story, a Hollywood movie studio executive once suggested that Julia Roberts play the role of Harriet Tubman. But in the exec’s defense, I assume Helen Mirren was busy.

October 7, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Authorities say that temporary water filters installed in homes in Newark are at least 97 percent effective in reducing lead in drinking water. “Newark? You know what, I think we’re good right here,” said residents of Flint. 

2. Mayor Bill de Blasio on Monday joined a groundswell of support for permanently banning serial transit pervs from riding the city’s subways. “TAXI!!!!” yelled Anthony Weiner.

3. Last week, Mattel, the 75-year-old toymaker behind Barbie, launched it’s first ever gender-fluid doll. “First ever?” said Ken, looking down. 

4. The Kremlin said on Monday that Washington would need Russian consent to publish transcripts of phone calls between President Trump and his Russian counterpart Vladimir Putin. And if there’s one thing Trump is good at, it’s getting consent: 

5. After being cut by the New England Patriots, receiver Antonio Brown enrolled at Central Michigan University to finish his college degree. Which is weird, if he wanted to play amateur football, he could have just stayed on the Raiders.

6. According to a new study, living near a coastline improves mental health.“Told ya so Wilson” said one such beachside resident: 

7. President Trump called for an end to religious persecution on Monday at the United Nations. Adding, “Mexican isn’t a religion, right?”

8. French researchers are developing what they say is the most powerful MRI scanner in the world which will use a supermagnet the weight of a blue whale. It’s the first machine that will diagnosis and give you cancer at the exact same time.

9. During his Congressional testimony last Thursday, the Acting Director of National Intelligence said he did not know the identity of the anonymous White House whistleblower who filed a complaint against President Trump. Although, he has a guess:

10. According to “The New York Post,” Casey Anthony is considering having another child. Sounds like someone’s got a new car with extra trunk space. 

11. Jerry Seinfeld has defeated a lawsuit claiming he stole the idea for the Netflix hit “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee” from a former colleague. And, in related news, still no one wants to take credit for “The Marriage Ref”:

12. According to “The New York Times,” President Trump suggested shooting migrants in the legs in order to slow them down after crossing the southern border. Or they could do what Melania does when she wants to slow Donald down:

13. According to reports, when President Trump was denied his request for a Southern border moat and told he can’t shot migrants in the legs, he allegedly yelled, “I ran on this issue. You’re making me look like an idiot.” To which his advisors replied, “I think you’re giving us way too much credit for that, Sir.”

14. Last week, teenager in New Mexico was arrested for impersonating a police officer. Officials became suspicious that he wasn’t a real cop when he pulled over an African American and did not shoot him.

15. This week, President Trump incorrectly attacked “The Washington Post” for an article that ran in “The New York Times.” Said Trump, “That’s ridiculous, I’m great with names, just ask Not Ivanka #1 an Not Ivanka #2.”:

16. This week, Disney revealed its first openly gay couple, Orka and Flix from the tv series “Star Wars Resistence.” That story again, Chip continues to deny his feelings for Dale:

17. The University of Kansas has apologized for a performance by rapper Snoop Dogg that featured drug references and dancers on stripper poles. Said the school, “We apologize, how could we have known that Snoop Dogg would behave exactly the same as he has for the past thirty years.”

18. Ahead of this year’s holiday season, a California company is selling kale-flavored candy canes. “I can see I’m no longer needed here,” said lumps of coal.

April 21, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. New England Patriot defensive end Alan Branch said he decided to skip going to the White House to meet President Trump on Wednesday because he “couldn’t shake his hand and look my daughters in the eye.” Said Trump, “Who looks their daughter in the eye?”:

2. A professional tennis match being played at the Sarasota Open in Florida Tuesday night was temporarily interrupted by the sounds of loud sex coming from a building nearby. That story again, the couple that lives in the apartment above mine is apparently on vacation in Florida.

3. This week, Sarah Palin ate dinner with President Trump at the White House and brought along Ted Nugent and Kid Rock. That story again, the White House relaxed its “no shoes, no shirt, no service” policy.

4. On Wednesday, Fox News fired Bill O’Reilly amid sexual harassment allegations from twelve women over the past fifteen years. So, if you’re ever wondered exactly how behind the times Fox New is, the answer is fifteen years.

5. The same day he was fired from Fox News, Bill O’Reilly was spotted in Vatican City shaking the Pope’s hand. And the two have a lot in common, they’re both celibate, although not from a lack of trying by one of them.

6. British tech entrepreneur Patrick Bergel became the first man to drive a car across the Antartic, completing the feat 100 years after his great-grandfather, explorer Ernest Shackleton, failed to cross the same continent on foot. Said Bergel, “I like to think, if my great-grandfather were alive to see this, he’d call me an incredible pussy for using a car.”

7. According to a new study, having frequent sex improves your memory. Which makes it even weirder that Anthony Weiner kept forgetting to delete his browser history.

8. Colorado is set to open the country’s first drive-thru marijuana store. Although, technically, not on purpose:

9. An Oregon man’s obituary claims he died peacefully after falsely being told by his family members that Donald Trump had been impeached. His last words were reportedly “Oh no, Mike Pence!”

10. Barack and Michelle Obama have been spotted vacationing on a yacht in Tahiti with Oprah, Tom Hanks and Bruce Springsteen. “That’s ridiculous, who waits until after their presidency to vacation?” said Trump from Mar-a-Lago.

11. A high school senior in Tennessee went skydiving in a tuxedo to ask his girlfriend to prom. And, considering his first two parachutes failed and he was able to pull the chord to the last one just in time, he may want to get those tuxedo pants laundered before prom.

12. Renata Rojas of New York is paying $105,000 to visit the wreckage of the Titanic. Although, if she’s interested in seeing a sinking ship, she could save a lot of money by getting a job in the Trump White House.

13. A stage parody of the hit show “Friends” is debuting off-Broadway this year. While a parody of the hit show “The West Wing” has been running for months in D.C.

14. The International Church of Cannabis is set to open its doors for the first time next week in Denver. And I have a hunch that won’t be the only international house of worship those patrons visit that day:

15. According to a new study, having a baby can wreck your marriage. ”It’s adorable that you think those things happen in that order,” said the South.

16. According to reports, President Trump has requested a gold-plated carriage ride with Queen Elizabeth when he makes his first official visit to Great Britain. Presumably because the Access Hollywood bus was already booked.

April 19, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A suspected pickpocket faced charges Monday for allegedly stealing more than 100 cell phones at this weekend’s Coachella music festival. Begging the question, if no one can Instagram Coachella, did it really happen?

2. It is being reported that while flying to Wisconsin yesterday, White House chief of staff Reince Priebus got excited when he spotted his house from the window of Air Force One. Said Trump, “Where’s the rest of it and why isn’t it made out of gold?”

3. Researchers have begun testing the possibility of using sperm to deliver life-saving drugs to specific parts of the female body. Which means, sometime in the not-too-distant future, semen could cause and cure blindness.

4. According to a new study, people who live near sources of heavy traffic exhaust may be at higher risk for heart disease. That story again, Chris Christie’s heart is screwed:

5. Google says searches for ‘World War 3’ have spiked over the past few weeks. And I have to admit, that’s partially my fault, because I’ve fallen into the habit of typing ‘WW3’ into Google and then hitting refresh over and over again to see if it’s happened yet.

6. Last week an eight-year-old boy in Ohio stole his parents car to take a joyride with his little sister to McDonalds after learning how to drive on YouTube. Once there, he only ordered one drink because he also learned on YouTube how two people can share one cup.

7. An Oregon man’s obituary claims he died peacefully after falsely being told by family members that Donald Trump had been impeached. So he truly is in a better place now.

8. Today, the American Lung Association will issue it’s annual state of the air address, ranking air quality across the country. Which is not to be confused with the annual State of the Hair Address:

9. A new study found that every hour spent running adds an extra seven hours to your life. Of course, if you factor in the hours they waste telling other people about the marathons they ran, it kinda evens out.

10. Barack and Michelle Obama have been spotted vacationing on a yacht in Tahiti with Oprah, Tom Hanks and Bruce Springsteen. So this is Barack’s plan, make post-presidency life look so good that Trump doesn’t want to run for reelection.

April 11, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Someone is trying to sell an amphibious Lamborghini on eBay for over $26,000. Because you’re penis doesn’t stop being small just because you’re no longer on land.

2. On Friday, a 27-year-old California man was rescued by a helicopter after he climbed a cliff to propose to his girlfriend. He wasn’t in danger of falling, the helicopter pilot just knew the man’s girlfriend and decided to save him.

3. A Miami father was given five months probation for allowing his 16-year-old daughter to repeatedly dance at a local strip club. But how good of a stripper could she really be if her father is still in her life?

4. Police in New York are searching for a teenage girl who stabbed a 13-year-old boy on the subway after a friend of his called her ugly. So, you’ve been warned, police sketch artist.

5. A bride-to-be has started an online campaign that has gone viral to get actor Tom Hanks to give her away on her wedding day. And, even though she didn’t request it, Peter Scolari will be parking cars.

6. Musician Vince Neil and actor Nic Cage got into a fight in Las Vegas Thursday. First the “National Treasure” movies, now Neil, what’s it with Cage taking on ancient relics?

7. A North Carolina bakery has introduced a blunt-shaped doughnut in honor of rapper Snoop Dogg’s performance at a local music festival. This on the heels of the special donut the bakery made for rapper Rick Ross, which was just a bunch of donuts put together to make a larger donut.

8. In an interview with TMZ Sports on Friday, free-agent quarterback Johnny Manziel said he hasn’t been drinking while in Los Angeles. Which makes sense because he gave the interview in Kansas City.

9. On Friday, a key Donald Trump campaign strategist said “winning isn’t enough, it’s about how you win and how much you win.” “0 for 3,” said Jeb.

10. Bernie Sanders’ campaign announced Friday that the Democratic presidential candidate will visit Vatican City this week. And hopefully the 74-year-old Jew and the Pope will walk into a bar so we can finally hear how that joke ends.

June 5, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to sources, Jeb Bush will announce his bid for the Republican presidential nomination on June 15 in Miami. So now, once again, John Travolta’s sexuality is the world’s worst kept secret.

2. After the first round of the LPGA’s Manulife Classic on Thursday, Cheyenne Woods, Tiger’s niece, was atop the leaderboard. Of course, this isn’t the first time a pro-golfer named Woods was on top of a bunch of ladies.

3. Miss Piggy was recognized for her contributions to society with a feminist award at the Brooklyn Museum in New York yesterday. “Well, I guess I’ll take that award off my mantle,” said all the previous winners of the award.

4. Delta Airlines is experimenting with pre-loading carry-on bagage to speed up the boarding process. It’s all part of Delta’s plan to find a way to lose your carry-on bags too.

5. According to a new study, men who skip breakfast see a drop in athletic performance hours later. Which, according to my calculation, means the Jets haven’t eaten breakfast in over 12 years.

6. An online petition is being circulated calling for Caitlyn Jenner to forfeit the Olympic gold medal she won in 1976. So good luck to the idiots who think it’s a good idea to try to take away a gold necklace from a woman.

7. A 90-year-old man in Illinois backed his car through his garage door on purpose because it was the last thing on his bucket list. Hopefully “attend wife’s funeral” was also on that list or he’s never gonna hear the end of the garage door thing.

8. Former Texas Governor Rick Perry announced on Thursday that he will pursue the Republican presidential nomination again in 2016. Because if his failed presidential run just four years ago, his college GPA and his general way of speaking prove anything, it’s that Rick Perry is not a quick learner.

9. Former Representative Mel Watt acknowledged this week that “someone” told him about former House Speaker Dennis Hastert’s alleged abuse more than 15 years ago while the two were both members of Congress. Thanks for the heads-up Mel, you know when it would have been a better time to bring this up, 15 years ago!!!

10. Yesterday it was reported that New England Patriots tight-end Rob Gronkowski, as well as his father and four brothers, will appear on an upcoming episode of Family Feud. Marking the first time a story about an NFL player that contains the words ‘family’ and ‘feud’ didn’t end with domestic violence charges.

11. Yesterday it was reported that New England Patriots tight-end Rob Gronkowski, as well as his father and four brothers, will appear on an upcoming episode of Family Feud. Not to be outdone, the Duggar family will appear on an upcoming episode of I’ve Got a Secret.

12. In a recent speech, Jeb Bush said that he has learned from his brother’s successes. By which I assume he means, get dad to buy Florida in the election.

13. A new brand of whiskey is for sale called Whiskey by X, which features flavors inspired by porn stars. So far the top selling flavor is none. Yeah, turns out, no one wants to buy porn liquor.

14. A Florida man walked 1,142 miles from Tampa to New York City to attend a Yankees game. Said the man, “There’s nothing like booing A-Rod in person.”

15. Spanish restaurant El Celler de Con Roca regained its titled as the world’s best restaurant on Monday. While the title for the world’s worst restaurant went to Guy Fierr’s (fill in the blank).

16. 92-year-old Harriette Thompson became the oldest person to ever finish a marathon. “Ah, fuck,” said the guy who finished after her.

17. Chester Hanks, a.k.a. rapper Chet Haze, son of Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, is under fire for a series of Instagram posts in which he defends his use of the n-word. Proving it doesn’t take 19 kids to have one dud.

November 4, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Lena Dunham canceled several appearances to promote her new book after allegations emerged that passages in that book amount to an admission that she molested her younger sister as a child. “And this book is sold where?” said Woody Allen.

2. On Monday, it was announced that actor Tom Hanks will publish a book of stories linked to his collection of typewriters. So, if you have insomnia, hang in there, help is on the way.

3. On Monday, it was announced that actor Tom Hanks will publish a book of stories linked to his collection of typewriters. It’s all part of Hanks’ attempt to make something shittier than “Cloud Atlas.”

4. Yesterday McDonalds released a video showing how the McRib is made. I’m no expert in copyright infringement, but I think the makers of “2 Girls, 1 Cup” may have a case.

5. Blackberry has introduced a new function that allows users to retract text messages they have already sent. Next step, teaching your father how to send a text message.

6. A fully operational Apple computer that company co-founder Steve Jobs sold out of his parent’s garage in 1976 for $600 will hit the auction block in December, where it is expected to fetch more than half a million dollars. Which seems like a lot, but you have to remember that it does’t come preloaded with any U2 songs.

7. A memorial to Apple founder Steve jobs has been dismantled in the Russian city of St. Petersburg after the current CEO, Tim Cook, came out as gay last week. Which doesn’t bode well for the Russian statue built for the guy who played Danny Zuko in “Grease 2.”

8. A suspect in an armed robbery of a Subway restaurant in Alabama told investigators he acted out of anger because of his failed “Subway diet.” So, watch your back, Jared.

9. Sprint announced on Monday that it will fire 2,000 employees after a disappointing quarter. Said employees, “No, I’m sorry, I can’t hear you now.”

10. According to a new study, living with a smoker can be like breathing the air in the world’s more polluted cities. Said one 76-year-old, lifetime smoker to his longtime wife, “Don’t say I never take you anywhere. Look around, we’re in New York City.”

October 10, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Cell phones users will soon be able to log onto a mobile app, indicate a desired amount of money and receive it within seconds from an ATM, without the use of a debit card. “Finally,” said muggers.

2. Yesterday, MMA fighter Claudinei Angelo, upset that he was denied a timeout by the referee during a bout, jumped out of the cage and quit the fight mid-match. By the way Angelo handles problems, I think it’s safe to assume he’s a Republican.

3. Representative Bill Young of Florida, the longest serving Republican in the House, will retire when his term ends in 2014. “Don’t worry, you’ll have a lot of company,” said voters.

4. Country singer Taylor Swift will be honored as this year’s songwriter and artist of the year by the Nashville Songwriters Association International, making her the only artist to win the award six times and also marking the longest relationship she’s ever had.

5. It was announced on Wednesday that actress Hayden Panettiere and boxer Vladimir Klitschko are engaged. Reportedly Klitschko got down on one to knee to pop the question, not out of tradition, but so he could look Panettiere in the eye.

6. British actor Benedict Cumberbatch, feisty Australian comic Rebel Wilson and country music newcomer Kasey Musgraves are among nine rising stars on People magazine’s “Ones to Watch” list. People usually names an even ten “rising stars,” but Wilson took up two pages.

7. Comcast announced on Wednesday that it has declared a new remote control feature in partnership with Twitter that allows users to turn the channel through a tweet. This falls in line with Comcast’s motto “Making Things More Difficult Than They Need To Be Since 1983.”

8. On Wednesday, the judge in the murder trial of former NFL player Aaron Hernandez declined to issue a gag order prohibiting the lawyers from speaking about the case publicly. Said Hernandez, “From my experience, gag orders don’t work, if you want to prevent people from talking you really have to go that extra mile.”

9. Monday night, actor Tom Hanks revealed that he has recently been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. So watch your back Wilford Brimley.

10. A costumed Elmo, who worked in New York’s Times Square, was sent to jail yesterday for trying to extort $2 million from the Girl Scouts. The case hinged on the testimony of an unidentified accomplice-turned-informant who later said, “C is for criminal.”