April 27, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Street artist Banksy revealed his latest work, a picture that he painted on the wall of his bathroom while under coronavirus quarantine. While my roommate revealed more of a Jackson Pollack in our shared bathroom.

2. An Iowa woman is sewing masks and hanging them on a ‘giving tree’ for anyone to take. In response, President Trump issued an executive order calling for us to plant more mask trees. 

3. Nicaragua’s president hasn’t been seen in public in over a month. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t a good idea to elect Shelly Miscavige as president of Nicaragua.

4. Convicted felon and preacher Jim Bakker recently said that his ministry will be “totally financially broke” within weeks if they don’t receive an influx of donations. Ironically, Bakker being in financial ruins is proof to me that there is a God.

5. Due to the coronavirus, many brides-to-be are now having virtual bachelorette parties. Which oddly means that the stripper is the only person wearing pants at the beginning of the Zoom call. 

6. Newly drafted New England Patriots rookie kicker Justin Rohrwasser has a tattoo on his left arm that resembles the logo of “The Three Percenters,” a right-wing militia group. Luckily drafting a player with troublesome tattoos has never burnt the Patriots before:

7. Peyton Manning, the number one overall pick by Indianapolis in the 1998 NFL Draft, said Sunday that he gave some advice to this year’s number one pick, quarterback Joe Burrow. That advice, be careful of the friends you surround yourself with:

8. Hall of Fame basketball player Michael Jordan will reportedly donate all proceeds he earns from his ‘Last Dance’ documentary to charity. That charity, the Las Vegas Wynn Resort and Casino.

9. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is brain dead after slipping into a coma during heart surgery. But, on the plus side, he’s still doing better than the doctor who operated on him:

10. President Trump said Tuesday he doesn’t know whether North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un is ill but nevertheless wished him luck. That story again, man with unknown illness wishes Kim Jong Un well.

11. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And also partially due to the fact that Gorsuch stopped showering months ago:

12. A village in Indonesia is using volunteers dressed as ghosts to scare people into social distancing. “Yeah … that’s why I’m dressed like this,“ said Stephen Miller:

13. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said he had a “productive” meeting with President Trump Tuesday at the White House. Adding, “Trump almost solved all of Blue’s clues.”

14. Deaf Americans are urging the White House to use sign language interpreters at coronavirus briefings. Said non-deaf Americans, “Trust me, you don’t want that.”

15. Workers in the port of Antwerp will begin testing wristbands developed that may help guarantee the social distancing required during the COVID-19 pandemic. Although there are much cheaper fashion assessors that will ensure people stay at least six feet away from you:

16. Isolation at home inspired one California family to build an elaborate two-story Rube Goldberg machine. The last time something completely useless took up two stories was everyday for the past three years:

17. The engineers at NASA have developed a ventilator prototype tailored to help coronavirus patients. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, thanks, but we’re drinking bleach now, so we’re all good. 

18. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Wednesday called the decision for President Donald Trump’s name to appear on stimulus checks amid the coronavirus pandemic “shameful.” She thinks that’s bad, wait til she finds out where he put his name:

19. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And Kavanaugh already has his Zoom background picked out:

20. President Trump recently said his decision to reopen the country will be the “toughest decision that he will ever make. Replacing his previous touches decision, original recipe or extra crispy:

21. Last week, actor Tom Hanks sent a letter and a typewriter to an Australian boy who wrote to him about being bullied over his name, Corona. Said the boy, “Thanks Mr. Hanks, it worked. They no longer tease me about my name, now they make fun of me for owning a fucking typewriter in 2020.”

22. It is being reported that actor Tom Hanks is donating his plasma in an effort to find a cure to the coronavirus. Not to be outdone, Hank’s ‘Bosom Buddies’ co-star Peter Scolari is donating his plasma for about twenty bucks.

23. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Which means he’s just one poorly-tailored suit away from being President: 

24. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Although if you can’t trust your bowels to make it through one protest, maybe you should be staying at home.

25. English soccer player Kyle Walker recently apologized for having a prostitute sex party amid the coronavirus lockdown. “Ew, that’s gross,” said Charlie Sheen of soccer. 

April 8, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new report, volunteers cleaning up trash from a New Jersey beach picked up 565 condoms last year. That’s crazy, how can you figure out what’s trash and what’s just a part of New Jersey? 

2. The owners of Krispy Kreme recently admitted to a family history that includes ties to the Nazi party in Germany.“Well I’m definitely gonna eat there more often now,” said Steve Bannon every day for the pasty twenty years. 

3. On Tuesday Connecticut Huskies women’s basketball head coach Geno Auriemma said, “The majority of coaches in America are afraid of their players.” “No shit,” said Bill Belichick:

4. On Monday, Pope Francis repeatedly withdrew his right hand as a long line of people bowed and tried to kiss the ring on it. Said the Pope, “Lower.”

5. According to a new study, combining sex and drugs is common among all genders and sexual orientations, with people in Britain most likely to engage in the practice. That story again, the Queen gets turnt: 

6. Brooklyn Councilman Robert Cornegy, who measures 6-foot-10-inches, was named world’s tallest politician. A record that will stand until Donald Trump’s next physical.

7. A University of Hartford student has been charged with attempted murder after he stabbed two of his classmates while re-enacting a movie scene for a drama class. But, on the plus-side, it sounds like he’s a shoe-in for the part of Officer Nordburg in the university’s production of ‘The Naked Gun’:

8. A lawyer for former New York Knick and current Dallas Maverick Kristaps Porzingis said Monday that a woman accusing him of rape is lying in an attempt to extort the Latvian basketball star by running his name through the mud. Said Porzingis, “I’ll pay whatever it takes, I just don’t want this to get out, people can’t know I was once a Knick.”

9. A hotel in England has launched so-called “lemoga” class which allows guests to do yoga in a room filled with lemur monkeys. It’s perfect for anyone who doesn’t want to do hot yoga, but still wants the smell.

10. Justin Bieber has apologized for joking about his wife being pregnant on April Fools’ Day after drawing criticism from some who felt it was insensitive to those dealing with fertility issues. It was also insensitive to those people who are very scared of there being more Biebers in the world. 

11. A court in Michigan this week ruled that giving a police officer the middle finger is an act of free speech. Said one officer upon seeing a black guy flick him off, “HE’S GOT A GUN!”

12. The Kremlin said on Monday, Russia is ready to improve ties with the United States but it is up to Washington to make the first move. Luckily, ’making the first move’ is one of Trump’s specialities:

13. A South Carolina man was arrested after driving around a college campus not wearing pants. So heads up Oregon Duck:

14. In a recent op-ed, George Conway, husband of White House advisor Kellyanne Conway, says that, despite the findings of the Mueller Report, President Trump is unfit for the office. Other thing Trump is unfit for: marriage, fatherhood, an size extra-large shirts:

15. This week, comedian Volodymyr Zelensky took the lead in Ukraine’s presidential elections. “What’s it like to have a president who people laugh at on purpose?” said every Americans.

16. Former Speaker Paul Ryan said Tuesday that he doesn’t believe freshman Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez listened much to the advice he gave her about being a member of the House. So I guess she’ll have to figure out how to retire in disgrace by her mid-forties all on her own.

17. Congressional Democrats raised questions on Wednesday about security at President Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida after a Chinese woman carrying electronic devices bluffed her way through security checks last weekend. Said Trump, “Even worse, they let Eric in.”

18. White House economic adviser Larry Kudlow on Wednesday said the United States has plans to rapidly revitalize the Venezuelan economy, including financial and food planning as well as getting cash to people in the country. “Cool,” said the people of Puerto Rico.

19. On Friday, President Trump said he has the right to read the Mueller Report, but has not done so as of yet. He hasn’t gotten around to it yet because he’s already in the middle of another book:

20. According to a new poll, nearly half of all Americans still believe President Trump worked with Russia to interfere in the 2016 presidential election. That surprising statistic again, a majority of people believe Donald Trump actually worked.

July 27, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Energy Secretary Rick Perry reportedly took part in a 22-minute phone call with a Russian prankster who he thought was the Prime Minister of Ukraine. Said Perry, “Dammit, I knew ‘Ukraine’ sounded like a made-up country.”

2. Energy Secretary Rick Perry reportedly took part in a 22-minute phone call with a Russian prankster who he thought was the Prime Minister of Ukraine. That story again, a prank caller in Russia definitely has the nuclear codes now.

3. While giving a speech in Ohio Tuesday night, President Trump said, “with the exception of the late great Abraham Lincoln, I could be more presidential than any president who has ever held this office.” Adding, “And I should know, I’m a student of history, just ask my good friend Frederick Douglass.”

4. On Tuesday, an alleged bank robber stripped down and ran naked along a Florida roadway in a failed bid to evade the cops. Florida, where stripping down naked and running on a highway is seen as an attempt to blend in.

5. Former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez’s Connecticut home is on the market for $1.3 million. Man, if those walls could talk, Hernandez probably would have murdered them too.

6. Longevity expert Dr. Shigeaki Hinohara died this week at the age of 105. He is survived by some pretty smug 106-year-olds.

7. According to a new study, the average number of guests at a lesbian wedding is 87. And, unsurprisingly, they all order the fish.

8. A bride-to-be is holding an auction for potential bridesmaids to bid for a place in her wedding. “Going, going, gone,” said someone narrating how the groom reacted to hearing that.

9. A temporary O.J. Simpson museum is set to open in Los Angeles next month. And, if you need someone who has experience collecting O.J. memorabilia, I know a guy:

10. At a rally in Ohio Tuesday night, President Trump said, if he had not been elected, the Second Amendment would have been “gonezo.” Which is the second time he’s mentioned a Muppet:

May 16, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A Florida woman recently filed a lawsuit in Mississippi against a Confederate group claiming that a camel named Sir Camelot bit her at the site of the Jefferson Davis Home and Presidential Library in Biloxi. And, still, the most surprising part of that story is that there’s a library in Mississippi.

2. According to a new report, President Trump doesn’t exercise because he believes it drains the body’s ‘finite’ energy resources. Man, that guy really doesn’t like gyms/Jims:
jim gym

3. President Trump is set to nominate Newt Gingrich’s wife Callista as U.S. ambassador to the Vatican. Callista and the Pope have a lot in common, for instance, they are both celibate.

4. Several dozen torch-wielding protesters gathered in Virginia’s Lee Park Saturday night to protest the removal of a Confederate statue. When reached for comment, Eric Trump said, “Fire bad!”:

5. During a television interview on Monday, former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez’s fiancee said he gave no indication that he planned to commit suicide in his prison cell during their last phone call. She said he did say he as “gonna kill a guy” but that was normal talk for him.

6. Yesterday, Goodyear Tire and the Cleveland Cavaliers reached an agreement for the team to wear the tire company’s logo on their jerseys next season. But Goodyear didn’t stop there, they also struck a deal for their biggest competitor Michellin’s logo to appear on the Knicks’ jerseys.

7. Wildlife officials in Florida are warning residents not to approach a family of monkeys that appears to have moved into the neighborhood. Which made for a very sad housewarming party:

8. On Friday, while hinting that fired FBI Director James Comey should keep his mouth shut, President Trump implied that he may have a secret listening device recording all conversations that occur in the Oval Office. “You have a secret listening device in the Oval Office? Yet another thing we have in common,” said Putin.

9. Day-time talk show host Ellen Degeneres said that President Trump is not welcome on her show because “he’s against everything I stand for.” Which is pretty bad considering she’s had Kim Jong Un on:

10. On Thursday, Twitter signed a multi-year deal with the NFL to live-stream pre-game coverage. And, then, viewers can switch over to TV when the games start or, if you’re a Browns fan, just stay on Twitter.

May 4, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Authorities say a drunk driving suspect, who was chased by police from Maryland to Pennsylvania, identified herself as Hillary Clinton. But authorities knew it wasn’t the real Hillary because she actually entered the state of Pennsylvania.

2. Yesterday, former Fox News host Bill O’Reilly lashed out at the “morons on cable news” for mocking President Trump’s Civil War claims. Although, they can’t be that moronic since they figured out how to stay on cable news.

3. Actor Johnny Depp’s former manager says his former client suffers from “compulsive spending disorder.” And, to prove the actor is reckless with money, the manager produced a receipt showing that Depp bought a ticket to see ‘Mordecai.’

4. On Wednesday, a woman was found guilty and could be sentenced to a year in jail for laughing during Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ confirmation hearing. But, to be fair, if she didn’t want to go to jail, she should have done something more acceptable in that room, like perjure herself.

5. In a new interview, actor Brad Pitt opened up about his recent divorce, admitting that he drank heavily. And if you thought Pitt had a lot of kids before, imagine seeing double.

6. An Egyptian artist has spent the last three years creating what he hopes is the world’s largest Koran. Not to be outdone, President Trump has created the world’s largest Bible, or, at least, it looks that way in his tiny, little hands.

7. Tuesday night, Melania Trump’s official Twitter account liked a tweet joking about how much she hates her husband. That’s hard to believe that, particularly the part where her hatred of Donald could be properly expressed in 140 characters.

8. A Queens man is memorializing his lifelong friend, a plumber, by flushing his cremated remains into the pipes of baseball stadiums across the country. You don’t want to know what he’s doing with the ashes of his friend who was a proctologist.

9. Aaron Hernandez’s silver 2006 Toyota 4Runner, which prosecutors said was the “murder car” used in a drive-by double killing, is now up for sale on eBay. Here’s a look at the ad:

10. A Florida deputy is under investigation after it was discovered he referred to a female deputy as “Captain Boobs.” “Hey, that’s not how you talk to a lady cop, they prefer to be called ‘Sugartits,’” said Mel Gibson.

December 5, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Merriam-Webster dictionary said, as of right now, the word of the year for 2016, which is based on number of lookups, is ‘fascism.’ Presumably because ‘WHATTHEFUCKISGOINGON!?!’ isn’t a real word.

2. Over the weekend, Walt Disney World announced that it’s Spaceship Earth ride will be converted into a model of the Death Star from ‘Star Wars.’ But that’s still not the scariest update to a Disney attraction:

3. The oldest-known survivor of the attack on Pearl Harbor returned to Hawaii over the weekend to commemorate the event’s 75th anniversary. Although, in retrospect, it was probably a bad idea to make the anniversary party a surprise party.

4. A Muslim-American comedian who encountered Eric Trump on a plane, said Trump’s son assured him that his father, the President-elect, would not push for a Muslim registry. Eric said he would be happy to provide his assurance in writing, like in a letter, if the comedian would just give him his name, address, date of birth, and social security number.

5. An energy company in England determined that the Death Star in ‘Star Wars’ would cost $7.7 octillion per day to operate. Which explains the original line: “Luke, I am your father, can I borrow a couple of bucks?”

6. According to reports, comedian Amy Schumer is in talks to star in a live-action Barbie movie. As a result, Mattel has released a new Dreamhouse that is just an exact replica of the University of Wisconsin Sigma Chi fraternity house.

7. The New England Patriots placed tight end Rob Gronkowski on injured reserve on Saturday, ending his season one day after he underwent surgery to repair a herniated disk. But, on the plus side, at least the reasons that Patriot tight ends are missing the rest of the season are getting better:

8. The price of the Make America Great Again Christmas tree ornament being sold on Donald Trump’s website has been lowered from $149 to $99. Because if Trump is good at anything, it’s lowering things like standards and expectations.

9. A coffee shop that uses sex robots to give customers oral sex is set to open in London this week. Wait, it hasn’t opened yet? Looks like I have some apologies to make to some employees at a British Starbucks.

10. A new app has launched that helps people identify which businesses are owned by Donald Trump so they can boycott them. Although, not knowing which businesses are owned by Trump never seemed like a huge problem:

September 6, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Sunday, Pope Francis elevated Mother Teresa to sainthood. Where she takes her place along other notable religious dignitaries like Saint Peter, John the Baptist, and Bishop Don ‘Magic’ Juan.

2. On Friday, Russian President Vladimir Putin said he did not know who was behind the hacking of the U.S. Democratic Party. Saying, “It could have been anyone, including Democratic Vice Chairman Raymond Buckley’s third grade teacher Miss Worthy or DNC Treasurer Andrew Tobias’s middle child Henry who’s social security number is 342-65-5723.”

3. Last week, El Salvador’s annual church festival in which young men throw fiery, gasoline-soaked rags at one another took place in the streets. Although, to be fair, it is still one of the less dangerous things you’ll be exposed to as a young man in the Catholic Church.

4. According to India’s National Conservation Authority, the country has lost track of 83 tigers over the last eight months. And, no one is more nervous about 83 tigers just roaming around than Seigfred.

5. Last week, Princess Kate made waves by wearing a pair of pants from the Gap that only cost $30. Giving new meaning to the phrase, ‘Mind the Gap’:
kate middleton

6. A dedicated gamer in New York City brought a monitor and his Xbox onto a subway so he could continue playing. Which has got to be the best case scenario if someone on the subway asks if you want to play Black Hole Assault.

7. On Saturday, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump visited an African-American church in Detroit, telling the audience, “I’m here today to learn.” So if Trump only goes to places where learning is happening, I guess that explains why he never visited Trump University.

8. After their starting quarterback got injured during a game on Saturday, Navy pulled a freshman from the stands to play the position for the rest of the game. Going from a spectator in the stands to a starting quarterback, or, as it’s more commonly known, a reverse Tebow.

9. To celebrate their 100th anniversary, Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs set a Guinness Record on Friday by preparing 1,916 hotdogs, wrapping them in tin foil and assembling them in a continuous line at their store in Manhattan’s Grand Central Terminal. And, of course, I was the guy behind that order in line.

10. When speaking of his teammate Tom Brady’s suspension, New England wide receiver Julian Edelman said, “It’s like one of your buddies going to jail.” “Actually, you know what’s more like that…” said Aaron Hernandez.

June 10, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, in the upcoming general election, Donald Trump plans on painting Hillary Clinton as a money-grubbing, unethical candidate. As opposed to Donald Trump who is a money-grubbing, unethical candidate who wears a hat.

2. Former NFL tight-end and convicted murderer Aaron Hernandez has hired Jose Baez, the lawyer who got Casey Anthony acquitted of murder, to head his appeal team. Baez made the announcement because, if history is any guide, it’s always good to let as many people as possible know that you’re gonna be hanging out with Aaron Hernandez.

3. Former NFL tight-end and convicted murderer Aaron Hernandez has hired Jose Baez, the lawyer who got Casey Anthony acquitted of murder, to head his appeal team. Hernandez said he decided to switch legal teams for the appeal after the lawyers who represented him when he was found guilty of murder mysteriously disappeared.

4. In a recent interview, presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump made the audacious claim that he broke the glass ceiling for women. I’m just surprised that he knew there was a ceiling considering how little he seems to be aware of things going on above his head:
trump hair

5. The rock band Queen is exploring legal options to prevent Donald Trump from using their song “We Are the Champions” at his campaign rallies. But, to be fair, the song was never a good fit because the “we” implies that Trump was giving credit to someone besides himself for winning.

6. A Cleveland Cavaliers fan was fired from her job after sending out a series of insensitive tweets directed at Golden State Warrior Stephen Curry’s family. While Donald Trump is attempting to get a job through a series of insensitive tweets.

7. According to a new study, smoking both marijuana and tobacco during pregnancy may create greater health risks than cigarettes alone. So, you hear that pregnant ladies, just stick to cigarettes.

8. Furniture giant IKEA will open a museum at the end of this month about the history of the company and its products. The museum was set to open last month, but was delayed after the workers finished building the museum and realized they had five extra pieces remaining.

9. A man in China took his hyper-realistic sex doll with him as a date to the “World of Warcraft” movie. So, for once, the movie theater floor wasn’t the stickiest thing in the room.

10. More than 500 people have signed up for TrumpDating.com, a website for single people who support Donald Trump. Which is super-convenient, because before that, if you wanted to meet like-minded individuals, you had to go all the way down to the Klan rally.

11. This week, General Mills announced that it is introducing its first new cereal in over 15 years and it’s called Tiny Toast. Which, coincidentally, I believe was Donald Trump’s nickname for Marco Rubio.

12. On Wednesday, Forbes named soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo the world’s highest paid athlete, earning $88 million last year. Even more amazing, somehow the Mets are on the hook for half of that.

13. A California high school student brought his favorite video game to prom as his date. Which explain why his favorite sex move is UP, UP, DOWN, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, B, A, START.

14. On Monday, for her 18th birthday, a popular Youtube personality came out as gay. Although, if you’re entire life is devoted to posting videos on Youtube, I’m not sure it gets better.

15. On Tuesday, “Today Show” anchor Savannah Guthrie announced that she is pregnant and, as a result, won’t travel to Rio for NBC’s coverage of the Olympics due to the Zika virus. “I’ll do it!” said Michael Strahan, unprovoked.

16. During Monday night’s episode of “So You Think You Can Dance,” a contestant vomited on judge Paula Abdul. Although, it was a nice change of pace for Abdul who is used to being covered in her own vomit.

17. A father in Florida, fed up with his son’s smoking weed and “acting like a thug,” sold the teen’s SUV on Craigslist. Although, if he smokes enough weed, the dad should be able to convince his son he never even had a car in the first place.

18. According to a new study, children born in the 41st week of pregnancy, which is considered “late-term,” have better test scores and are more likely to be classified as “gifted” compared with children born “full-term” at 39 or 40 weeks. Although, at some point, having your mother carry you around becomes a detriment:
jeb & barbara

19. Donald Trump sought to tout his support among African-Americans on Friday by pointing out a black man in the crowd and calling him “my African-American.” People were offended, but in Trump’s defense, this was the guy:
black guy

20. In a new interview, director Judd Apatow said that people complaining about the upcoming, all-female, reboot of “Ghostbusters” are probably the same people who are voting for Donald Trump. ‘Not true,” said Ernie Hudson.

21. In an effort to increase the population that pays into the federally funded national retirement program in Denmark, officials have started a campaign urging young married couples to have more babies with the tag line “Do it for Mom.” “Way ahead of you,” said Oedipus.

22. Last week, a moose gave birth in a Lowe’s parking lot in Alaska. And, in related news, Bristol Palin has finally found her spirit animal.

23. There is a new trend in which women pay up to $300 to have their vaginas massaged by a professional. Or, for free, you can just go to the Port Authority.

24. Tony Fisher, the British man who created the world’s largest Rubix cube, measuring 220-pound and 5-foot-tall, took two full days to solve the puzzle. Yet the puzzle that is getting a girlfriend still remains a mystery.

25. An elephant in Zimbabwe, that was wounded by poachers, was treated and saved when it approached and pleaded with humans at a lodge for help. That story again, an elephant in Zimbabwe has better medical insurance than I do.

26. A Mexican “adult hospitality” firm has chartered a Royal Caribbean ship for the world’s first sex cruise, an eight day orgy, setting sail in 2017. So, for once, I’ll be rooting for the iceberg.

27. A Mexican “adult hospitality” firm has chartered a Royal Caribbean ship for the world’s first sex cruise, an eight day orgy, setting sail in 2017. You’re guaranteed to get nauseous before you even set sail.

28. Over the weekend, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich called Donald Trump’s ethnicity based attacks on the judge in charge of his Trump University case “one of the worst mistake’s Trump has made.” Which can only mean one thing, Gingrich hasn’t met Eric or Donald Trump Jr.

29. Oklahoma City Thunder All-Star Kevin Durant will be honored with the Everyday Hero medal after helping local paramedics get to the scene of an accident quicker. Unfortunately, the paramedics weren’t around to help Durant and his teammates from choking.

30. McDonald’s Japan is giving away a chicken McNugget made of 18-karat gold. Now, that’s the face of a winner:

May 17, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, former presidential candidate Ben Carson said that Sarah Palin, Ted Cruz, John Kasich and Marco Rubio are on Donald Trump’s shortlist for Vice Presidential running-mates. Although, it should be noted that it’s only a shortlist because Trump’s tiny little hands got tired after writing four names.

2. According to the new jobs report, America has a near record 5.8 million current job openings. “I’ll do them,” said Steve Harvey.

3. Yesterday, the Philadelphia 76ers, who finished last season with a NBA-worst record of 10-72, became the first team in the four major U.S. sports to sell an ad that will be placed on their team’s jerseys. Experts say the ad will be seen by literally tens of people.

4. Police in a Chicago suburb called off their search Monday for singer Sinead O’Connor after she was found safe. For those not familiar with the situation, O’Connor had been missing since 1989.

5. Worried about the outbreak of the Zika virus, the Australian Olympic team will be given “Zika-proof” condoms ahead of this summer’s games in Brazil. “I’ve never heard of that,” said Charlie Sheen, “is it pronounced con-dom?”

6. Thomas Manning, a 64-year-old man who had his penis amputated after a penile cancer diagnosis in 2012, became the first patient in the United States to undergo a successful penis transplant. “Do you have to have cancer to undergo the procedure?” said Porsche owners.

7. A man is tackling homelessness in Australia by building a Sleepbus, a bus converted into 22 sleeping pods to provide homeless people with a safe sleeping space. “Too late,” said Greyhound.

8. Someone is selling a series of serial killer trading cards on the crafting website Etsy. So now, when you say you have an Aaron Hernandez trading card, you’re gonna have to be more specific.

9. According to a new study, people, on average, watch Netflix per day for a longer period of time than they look after their children. Which explains the new saying “Netflix and oh dear God where’s Jill?”

10. Unable to find a date, a high school senior in Washington D.C. took his pet cat to prom. Even sadder, it was only after the family dog turned him down.

March 28, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Friday, before a spring training game in Arizona, two live bear cubs visited the Chicago Cubs’ clubhouse. Not to be outdone, Queen Elizabeth went 3 for 4 with a RBI for the Royals:

2. The home of former New England Patriots star tight end and convicted murderer Aaron Hernandez is on the market for $1.5 million. Man, if those walls could talk, they’d be taken out back and shot.

3. A Georgia teacher has resigned after surveillance video appears to show her knocking a special needs student to the floor in a school hallway. But, in the teacher’s defense, it’s gotta be pretty hard to tell the difference between the special needs and regular students in Georgia.

4. According to a new report, kids have brought more than 185 guns into American schools since the start of this academic year. But, to be fair, most of them were brought in for Show and Don’t You Fucking Tell Anybody.

5. A Texas house that is decorated with thousands of beer cans its owner consumed over the past twenty years is for sale. It’s a two bedroom, two bath, but, when you drink that much beer, every room becomes a bathroom.

6. A group of swingers in England will hold a mass orgy at a local resort to help raise cash for a cancer charity. Although most of the money raised will go towards hosing down the resort afterwards.

7. More than 23,000 people have signed a petition to allow firearms inside the Republican National Convention being held in Cleveland in July. What could go right?

8. On Friday, the Rolling Stones became the first major international rock band to play in Cuba, drawing hundreds of thousands of people to a free concert at a decrepit sports complex. Although, compared to the band, the sports complex looked brand new.

9. A former-single mother in Australia has married the sperm donor that contributed to the conception of her child. Which should make for a very confusing ‘birds and bees’ talk when that kid gets older.

10. Authorities in China’s capital will extend leave from work for new mothers and fathers, state media reported on Friday, to encourage families to have more children. Of course, once the six month leave is up the mother, father and child must go back to work.