February 3, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump said on Monday the United States and China were in close contact regarding the newly identified coronavirus outbreak. “Close contact? Be careful, you might contract something,” said China:

 2. Last week, scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. Scientists made this discovery by showing the movie “Cats” to a bunch of sharks and watching them walk out of the theater. 

3. ‘Rolling Stone’ reported this week that during a listening party for his new record, singer Justin Bieber cried during the album’s playback. Crying because you’re being forced to listen to Justin Bieber music is the most relatable Justin Bieber has ever been. 

4. London’s first cheese-themed hotel opened last week. There are only rooms for one, because if your lifestyle makes you want to sleep in a cheese hotel, you’re probably provolone. 

5. NASA recently announced that it wants to put a female astronaut on the moon by 2024. While Mike Pence wants to put all women there by 2025.

6. Author Mary Higgins Clark, known as the ‘Queen of Suspense,’ died on Friday at the age of 92. Or did she? 

7. Doctors have issued a warning telling young men not to masturbate using banana peels, which has become a trend circulating on social media. Otherwise you may find out just how curious George really is.

8. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has announced that his forthcoming tell-all book will be called “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir.” It will be the first book told entirely from the Presidential bathroom. 

9. Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has already spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on campaign ads. It’s all part of Bloomberg’s plan to be more omni-present and annoying than Flo from Progressive. 

10. Border agents arrested a 36-year-old US citizen this week after finding 222 pounds of liquid meth in his truck. To give you an idea, this is what 222 pounds of meth looks like:

11. A man in China recently ate several live eels in an attempt to cure his constipation. “No matter how this ends, it’s gonna be my problem” said the aquarium’s janitor.

12. Last week, it was announced on Twitter that Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has died. Although the timing of his death is suspicious since it came so quickly after the release of this photo:

13. An ad appearing in the Waze navigation app is misdirecting motorists trying to get to Atlantic City’s Borgata Casino into the wilderness of New Jersey instead. The ad is actually from the Borgata, specifically the casino’s collections department:

14. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’ wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer. “So it was the swimsuit edition,” said lesbians.

15. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. During the first episode Gunther calls the cops on the six black people for loitering in the coffee shop. 

16. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. Great news, we already have our Rachel:

17. Tinder is adding new safety features, including a panic button that alerts safety authorities if something goes wrong during a date. That’s crazy because it implies that something could go right on a Tinder date.

18. “Doctor Who” made history with its first ever black Doctor, who was revealed during Sunday night’s episode. Unfortunately it was Dr. Conrad Murray:

19. Twitter said on Monday accounts of several NFL teams, including the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs, were hacked, ahead of the Super Bowl. And apparently the Cleveland Browns:

20. President Trump tweeted in Arabic and Hebrew this week to promote his new Middle East peace deal. Begging the question, how can you even tell in Trump’s tweets are in a different language:

21. According to reports, Queen Elizabeth initially wanted to demote Prince Harry to an Earl upon hearing his decision to leave the Royal Family. “Vicious burn!” said the whitest people you know. 

22. A woman was arrested last week after attempting to sneak into the U.S. from Canada by running through a library that straddles the border between Quebec and Vermont. Police suspected she wasn’t American because she was in a library.

September 11, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to new research, gay-dar, the ability to sense if a person is gay, does not exist. Scientists reached this conclusion by examining the love choices of Liza Minnelli and Star Jones.

2. According to new research, gay-dar, the ability to sense if a person is gay, does not exist. And, in unrelated news, John Travolta and Tom Cruise just let out a huge sigh of relief.

3. Software pioneer John McAfee filed the requisite paperwork on Wednesday to run for president in 2016 under his new Cyber Party. And, it’s the rare case where the fringe candidate who is wanted in Belize for murder and has a tendency to take selfies with guns pointed at his head is not the craziest option.

4. In a recent “Rolling Stone” article, Donald Trump mocked the physical appearance of fellow Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina by saying “Look at that face. Would anyone vote for that?” But, in Trump’s defense, he doesn’t own a mirror.

5. On Wednesday, retired-tennis player James Blake was slammed to the ground, handcuffed and detained in New York City before police released him citing a case of mistaken identity. But, on the plus-side, James finally got a Grand Slam.

6. According to a report, boxer Floyd Mayweather received an intravenous injection of saline and vitamins, that was banned under World Anti-Doping Agency guidelines, on the eve of his May 2nd fight against Manny Pacquiao. But, in Mayweather’s defense, I needed my own intravenous injection of Red Bull and coffee to stay awake during that fight.

7. Twenty-four years after it was buried, the head of a giant statue of Soviet leader Vladimir Lenin was dug up from the woods on the outskirts of Berlin on Thursday. When it was erected it stood as a symbol for Communism and while the head was buried underground it stood as a symbol for the way Roger Goodell runs the NFL.

8. On Thursday, Sahara, a four-year-old baboon with light-colored fur, gave birth in an Israeli zoo to a baby girl with dark fur. You can hear more about this story on next week’s “Maury.”

9. During Tuesday’s rally supporting opposition to same-sex marriage, embattled county clerk Kim Davis and her husband posed for photos with prominent Republicans. Davis made sure to position her husband on the outside so, if she decides to get divorced and re-married for a fifth time, he is easy to crop out.

10. A new study shows, people with type 2 diabetes who smoke have significantly higher risks of heart disease, stroke and death than diabetic non-smokers. That story again, smoking is still bad for you.

11. A new study found, about one in 30 women who get vaginal surgery to address urinary incontinence will need repeat procedures within 10 years to replace mesh slings inserted to prevent leaking urine. You can read more about the study in the current edition of “I Dare You To Open This Monthly.”

12. A 6-week-old girl is expected to make a full recovery after mistakenly being given baby formula mixed with vodka that resulted in a blood-alcohol level of 0.294. But, on the plus-side, she’s already been accepted to Arizona State University.

13. A 6-week-old girl is expected to make a full recovery after mistakenly being given baby formula mixed with vodka that resulted in a blood-alcohol level of 0.294. But, on the plus-side, she took a really good nap that day.

14. A 6-week-old girl is expected to make a full recovery after mistakenly being given baby formula mixed with vodka. To find a drink with similar ingredients you’d have to be breastfeed by Dina Lohan.

15. There is a malicious porn-watching app called “Adult Player” that secretly takes control of your phone, snaps your picture, locks you out of the device and demands a $5000 extortion payment. Or, for $200, you can just buy a new phone.

16. During a 16-hour procedure on Tuesday, a hospital in Ohio successfully separated 11-month-old conjoined twins from Uganda. “That’s great,” said Donald Trump, “I’ll be sure to book two plane seats when I deport them.”

17. Over the weekend, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee compared Kim Davis’ refusal to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples to conscientious objections to slavery. So now people outside of Arkansas hate him because he’s against gay marriage and people inside of Arkansas hate him because he’s against slavery.

18. The Wall Street Journal reported that online retailer Amazon plans to sell a $50 tablet in time for this holiday season. It’s perfect if you want an iPad but your parents don’t love you.

July 16, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Three armed men broke into the Los Angeles home of singer Chris Brown on Wednesday, ordering a woman staying at the residence into a closet and taking cash and electronics. Luckily, since the woman was friends with Brown, she was used to that kind of treatment.

2. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said on Wednesday his net worth has risen to more than $10 billion. “Duly noted,” said Melania’s lawyers.

3. Under a new bill, cheerleaders for pro sports in California will be classified as employees and eligible for benefits such as sick pay. Which is good, because if you’re forced to watch every Oakland Raiders game, you’re gonna need some sick days to recover.

4. Yesterday, Walt Disney announced that it will open its first ever theme park in China come spring 2016. Much like in the U.S., the souvenir shop filled with Disney merchandise will remind Chinese visitors of their childhood, but for vastly different reasons.

5. Research suggests smartphone apps that track how much a person drinks could curb binge drinking and reduce alcoholism rates. Said one such user, “I lost my phone again? HAS ANYONE IN THIS BAR SEEN MY PHONE?”

6. Photos have surfaced showing recently-escaped Mexican drug lord El Chapo drinking a beer and flying a plane. “You’re hired,” said Malaysian Airlines.

7. President Obama said on Wednesday that there is no precedent for revoking the U.S. Medal of Freedom given to comedian Bill Cosby. Which comes as great news to other Medal recipients who were on the fence about raping people.

8. Over the past few weeks, hundreds of dildos have been discovered dangling from telephone lines throughout the city of Portland. Said one very horny woman, “If you have a better way to dry them I’d love to hear it.”

9. Over the past few weeks, hundreds of dildos have been discovered dangling from telephone lines throughout the city of Portland. So at least they’ll be prepared when those 15 dildos show up for the Oregon Republican primaries.

10. In a recent interview with “Rolling Stone,” singer Tom Petty apologized for using the Confederate flag as a backdrop for his Southern Accent tour in 1985. While Limp Bizkit apologized for touring.

April 7, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The first defense witness in the murder trial of former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez was a doctor who testified Monday that PCP can cause people to suddenly become violent. Apparently his lawyers are going with the rarely seen, it could have been worse defense.

2. Starbucks said on Monday it will offer employees full tuition at Arizona State University’s online program for free. Whereupon graduation, the only job they’ll be qualified for is working at a Starbucks.

3. It was reported yesterday that WalMart is refusing to display female UFC champion Ronda Rousey’s new memoir. So if you like the UFC and you shop at Walmart, let’s be honest, you’re not reading books.

4. On Monday, the New York Times reported that likely Republican presidential contender Jeb Bush marked himself as “Hispanic” on a 2009 voter registration application. Although I wouldn’t be surprised if the Bushes were Hispanic, they have a large family, consisting of many family members who were evicted from their home after four or eight years, can’t pronounce simple English words like ‘nuclear’ and enjoy clearing brush.

5. Facebook has complied with a Turkish court order demanding it restrict access to certain content or face its service being blocked. And, if that content is pictures of people’s kids or what they ate for lunch, I’m moving to Turkey.

6. FIFA presidential candidate Prince Ali Bin Al Hussein of Jordan demanded immediate change in the organization of soccer’s governing body in a manifesto he issued on Monday. Word of advice, if your last name is Hussein, maybe call it a memo.

7. A group of anonymous artists erected a 4-foot-tall bronze statue of NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden in Fort Greene Park in Brooklyn overnight. But, if I know anything about New York City parks after dark, that statue wasn’t the only thing erected.

8. The University of Virginia fraternity at the center of Rolling Stone’s retracted article “A Rape on Campus” said on Monday it planned to sue the magazine. Adding, “Do you know who my father is!?!”

9. Dubai has unveiled plans for a Hunger Games-themed amusement park. Or, for free, you can just go to Detroit.

10. Obese people are better at detecting the scent of chocolate. This according to, what I assume was, a hilarious study.

January 9, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Jeb Bush’s official website references his father’s presidency, but makes no mention of his brother, George W. Bush. But, in all fairness, how much did Michael talk about Fredo?

2. Bill Gates is advocating a machine that turns human feces into drinkable water. Said the makers of Mountain Dew, “Ewww, water.”

3. In an interview with “Rolling Stone,” rocker Marilyn Manson says he always has sex with the lights off. That way he can pretend there’s another person in the room with him.

4. Veteran “60 Minutes” correspondent Steve Kroft has admitted to a three year extra-marital affair. Said Kroft’s mistress, “He was kinky. Right before sex he always pointed to his penis and said ‘All this and Andy Rooney, tonight.’”

5. Yesterday, President Obama proposed a plan under which the first two years of any four year community college would be tuition free. Said community college students, “So we just have to pay for the remaining three?”

6. House of Representatives Speaker John Boehner said on Thursday that he doesn’t like being called “spineless” by critics. Said critics, “Yeah, that’s kinda the point.”

7. Kirby Delauter, a Maryland politician who said he would sue a newspaper if it printed his name, has apologized after his irrational demand became a national news story. Delauter said he is embarrassed that his threat to sue garnered national attention, or, as it is more commonly known, pulling a Trump.

8. The owners of the Atlanta Hawks said Thursday they have unanimously approved a plan to sell the franchise. “Can I buy it and move it out of Atlanta?” said Donald Sterling.

9. On Thursday, actress Angelina Jolie met Pope Francis after a screening at the Vatican of her film “Unbroken.” Setting the record for the most times in one day the words “Jesus Christ!” were heard around the Vatican.

10. A boa constrictor caused panic at a downtown San Diego office when it crawled out of a toilet after apparently slithering down a pipe from an upstairs apartment. Living in an office building with your pet snake, sounds like life’s going pretty well for that guy.

11. The New York City prosecutor at the heart of the controversy over a grand jury’s decision not to indict a white policeman in the chokehold death of a black man said last week that he may run for the congressional seat being vacated by Michael Grimm. So congratulations in advance to whoever runs against him.

12. McDonald’s Japan has apologized to customers and vowed to ensure product safety after objects including a tooth and plastic were found in its food. McDonalds promised that customers would never again be able to find anything identifiable in their food.

13. Over the weekend, Sylvester Stallone announced that he will star in one more Rambo movie entitled “Rambo: Last Blood.” He chose the title once he realized “Age of Extinction” was already taken.

14. Those who attended a sold-out midnight screening of “the Interview” at a theater in Los Angeles were treated to a special appearance by the film’s star Seth Rogen. Said the audience, “We’re happy to see you, but can you stand farther over there?”

15. Iran is set to expand what it calls ‘smart filtering’ of the internet, a policy of censoring undesirable content on websites without banning them completely, as it used to. And, because prejectedjokes is always looking to increase its readership, let me say that I believe Iran is the best country in the world. Also, have you lost weight, Iran? You look great.

16. According to a new study, regardless of IQ, people who work at complex jobs have a slightly higher chance of being better thinkers as they age. “Look, I just painted a picture of my foot,” said George W. Bush.

17. According to a new study, women’s self-exams and physical exams by doctors both detect breast cancer tumors at about the same rate. Said doctors, “No, please, take all the fun out of our job.”

18. The white 1986 Ferrari Testarossa driven by TV cops “Sonny” Crockett and Riccardo “Rico” Tubbs in the hit 1980s series “Miami Vice” is being sold on eBay for $1.75 million. Or, for just $37.50, you can buy everything Philip Michael Thomas owns.

19. According to a new study, American preschoolers who drink three or more cups of milk a day may get a small height boost, but are also more likely to be obese. While American preschoolers who drink less milk tend to be shorter and also obese.

20. On New Year’s Eve, seventy-six bottles of wine worth $300,000 were stolen from the highly acclaimed French Laundry restaurant in Napa Valley. Authorities are calling it the whitest of white collar crimes.

21. On Tuesday, the Census Bureau reported that Florida has now overtaken New York as the third most populous state in the country. A friendly reminder that your grandparents are still alive and would love to hear from you.

22. An olive oil bar has opened in Brooklyn which offers more than 40 different kinds of olive oil. So far, its best customer has been Popeye.

23. A spokesman for the Vatican said on Friday that the papal city state may sue a man who scaled St. Peter’s Basilica to protest against laws that he says lost him his business in Italy. So I guess that forgiveness stuff is just a sometimes thing.

24. A San Francisco web designer has developed an app that tracks homeless people, to determine where help is most needed, by mapping where people defecate on the streets of the city. New York City has a similar thing, it’s called the NYC Subway map.

May 9, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Lawmakers expressed concerns about the merger of the top two cable operators, Comcast and Time Warner, at a congressional hearing on Thursday. But, in the cable providers’ defense, how could their service get any worse?

2. A man who appeared on a Turkish dating show in search of a new partner shocked the audience by revealing he had murdered his former wife and a former lover. Begging the question, what was O.J. Simpson doing in Turkey?

3. A man who appeared on a Turkish dating show in search of a new partner shocked the audience by revealing he had murdered his former wife and a former lover. Despite that, I still give this couple better odds of making it than anyone who met on “the Bachelor.”

4. The cover of the current issue of “Rolling Stone” features actor Neil Patrick Harris wearing nothing but a bowtie and a well-placed top hot. Or, as it is known on Fire Island, formal wear.

5. On Thursday, the FCC announced a $2.4 million fine against Dialing Services, a New Mexico-based firm that the FCC says continued to place robocalls over the past year despite having been warned against doing so in March 2013. When contacted about the story, the firm replied, “If you’d like to hear our side of the story, press one. If you’d like to be added to our mailing list, press two. If you’re the FCC, please fuck off and press three. To hear those options again, press nine.”

6. According to the Financial Times, Apple is close to buying headphone maker Beats Electronics for $3.2 billion. But, as is usually the case, Apple will probably lose them and be forced to buy a whole new headphone company next week.

7. This week, window cleaners in Pittsburgh dressed up like superheroes in order to cheer up patients at a children’s hospital. Unfortunately, the kids learned the hard way that this Superman couldn’t fly.

8. According to a survey by the Durex condom company, people in Mexico have the most exciting sex. “I’m not sure I’d call it ‘exciting,’” said the donkey.

9. According to an online report, Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling claimed in a new recording he is not a bigot. Look, I don’t know if he’s a bigot, but I can say with certainty that he’s an idiot if he’s still recording himself.

10. A 27-year-old Japanese man was arrested on Thursday for illegally possessing handguns made by a 3-D printer. I miss the old days when Japanese men were arrested for possessing handguns made from origami.

11. The New York Public Library announced it is abandoning a controversial renovation plan that would have replaced floors of research material with a circulating library. “Understood, but how will this affect my ability to shit here?” said homeless people.

12. Yesterday, Burger King announced that it will be adding hamburgers, cheeseburgers and french fries to its breakfast menu. Although, if you’re the type of person who thinks it’s a good idea to eat a cheeseburger right when you wake up, I’m guessing it wasn’t that much of a fast to break to begin with.

13. Florida Democrat Charlie Crist is exploring a possible trip to Cuba this summer as part of his campaign to win the state’s governorship. But, will most likely reconsider once he figures out how voting works.

14. According to a new survey, buying a dog can be a key to fixing a failing relationship. Because then you can start blaming shit on the dog.

15. On Wednesday, the new head of a congressional panel investigating the 2012 attack on U.S. diplomatic facilities in Benghazi criticized some Republicans’ use of the deadly incident to raise campaign funds. Said Rudy Giuliani, “9-11, 9-11, 9-11.”

16. According to a recent study, people can instinctively tell the difference between real and fake laughter. “The gig is up,” said the executive producer of “Two and a Half Men.”

17. The first person on the scene after Oscar Pistorius shot and killed his girlfriend testified this week that he was praying, crying and pleading with her not to die. The witness said when she first arrived Pistorius was down on his knees praying, then he was down on his knees talking to the police, later he was down on his knees making a sandwich.

18. The Florida State Legislature voted on Friday to let a Mexican-born, non-U.S. citizen practice law in the state. Next on the docket for the Florida Legislature, coming up with laws.

Monologue Jokes – July 18, 2013

1. The latest edition of Rolling Stone magazine features Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on the cover. The selection of Tsarnaev has angered some people, causing many to protest by continuing their previous practice of never buying a copy of Rolling Stone.

2. The latest edition of Rolling Stone magazine features Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on the cover. “That’s bullshit, where’s our cover? We’ve been bombing in public for years,” said Nickelback.

3. The latest edition of Rolling Stone magazine features Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on the cover. Many are upset about the selection, but don’t forget about the good things Dzhokhar has done, like killing Tamerlan Tsarnaev.

4. The latest edition of Rolling Stone magazine features Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on the cover. Not since Rolling Stone picked Flavor Flav has someone graced the cover who has done less for an entire race.

5. According to reports, actor Robert Downey Jr. is in negotiations to play both Pinocchio and Geppetto in an upcoming movie version of the classic fairy tale. “Really? Pinocchio too?” said a disappointed Jerry Sandusky.

6. Scientists have created an “intelligent” surgical knife that can detect in seconds whether tissue being cut out is cancerous. Although that seems like something the doctors may want to look into before they start cutting.

7. Italian state television has decided to drop the Miss Italia beauty contest, which gave actress Sophia Loren her start, after 25 years on its airwaves. So now, if an Italian woman wants to know how she looks, she’ll have to walk past any Italian man.

8. On Wednesday in England, Queen Elizabeth gave her approval to a same-sex marriage bill. Said the Queen, “Now Prince Charles and that Camilla chap can finally marry.”

9. On Wednesday, the headquarters of the Environmental Protection Agency was re-named after former President Bill Clinton. Speaking about the honor, Clinton said, “I’m a big believer in a healthy bush, and I like nature, too.”

10. Yesterday, the Pope promised people a shorter stay in purgatory if they followed him on Twitter. Meanwhile, also on Twitter, Satan promised people a shorter stay in purgatory if they voted for his daughter in the upcoming Wyoming U.S. Senate race.

January 30, 2013 – Monologue jokes

1. Iran recently launched a monkey into space. Which explains Tuesday’s weather forecast in Iran: partly cloudy with a chance of monkey feces.

2. Iran recently launched a monkey into space. The monkey landed safely, but looked very disappointed once he realized he was still in Iran.

3. Former democratic presidential nominee John Kerry will take over for Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State during President Obama’s second term. This marks the second time someone had to take over for Hillary because she no longer wanted to do the job. Right Monica?

4. Former democratic presidential nominee John Kerry will take over for Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State during President Obama’s second term, which seems like an odd fit since Kerry isn’t a stone cold bitch.

5. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said she looks forward to more adventures down the road as her term as Secretary of State comes to a close. When reached for comment, former President Bill Clinton said, “Wait, she’s coming home? Everyone wake up, you don’t gotta go home but you gotta get the hell out of here.”

6. In a recent interview with Rolling Stone, Rihana said of her reconciliation with singer Chris Brown, “It’s different now. We don’t have those types of arguments anymore.” Adding, “It’s mainly body blows, he stays away from the face, just works the body.”

7. Lamborghini just unveiled a new car that costs $445,000. In a related story, for just $250,000 I will personally tell people you have a small penis.

8. Lamborghini just unveiled a new car that costs $445,000. No word on how small your penis will have to be to buy it.

9. Research in Motion, the company that makes Blackberry, is changing its name to Blackberry so as to better identify the company with the phone. Other names considered Dead Technology Corp., Dad’s Phone Co. and Not An I-Phone LLC.

10. Toyota is recalling over one million cars from the U.S., which is of some concern because Toyota is the world’s largest automaker. When asked for comment, President Obama said, “Can we bail them out too?”