February 3, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump said on Monday the United States and China were in close contact regarding the newly identified coronavirus outbreak. “Close contact? Be careful, you might contract something,” said China:

 2. Last week, scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. Scientists made this discovery by showing the movie “Cats” to a bunch of sharks and watching them walk out of the theater. 

3. ‘Rolling Stone’ reported this week that during a listening party for his new record, singer Justin Bieber cried during the album’s playback. Crying because you’re being forced to listen to Justin Bieber music is the most relatable Justin Bieber has ever been. 

4. London’s first cheese-themed hotel opened last week. There are only rooms for one, because if your lifestyle makes you want to sleep in a cheese hotel, you’re probably provolone. 

5. NASA recently announced that it wants to put a female astronaut on the moon by 2024. While Mike Pence wants to put all women there by 2025.

6. Author Mary Higgins Clark, known as the ‘Queen of Suspense,’ died on Friday at the age of 92. Or did she? 

7. Doctors have issued a warning telling young men not to masturbate using banana peels, which has become a trend circulating on social media. Otherwise you may find out just how curious George really is.

8. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has announced that his forthcoming tell-all book will be called “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir.” It will be the first book told entirely from the Presidential bathroom. 

9. Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has already spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on campaign ads. It’s all part of Bloomberg’s plan to be more omni-present and annoying than Flo from Progressive. 

10. Border agents arrested a 36-year-old US citizen this week after finding 222 pounds of liquid meth in his truck. To give you an idea, this is what 222 pounds of meth looks like:

11. A man in China recently ate several live eels in an attempt to cure his constipation. “No matter how this ends, it’s gonna be my problem” said the aquarium’s janitor.

12. Last week, it was announced on Twitter that Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has died. Although the timing of his death is suspicious since it came so quickly after the release of this photo:

13. An ad appearing in the Waze navigation app is misdirecting motorists trying to get to Atlantic City’s Borgata Casino into the wilderness of New Jersey instead. The ad is actually from the Borgata, specifically the casino’s collections department:

14. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’ wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer. “So it was the swimsuit edition,” said lesbians.

15. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. During the first episode Gunther calls the cops on the six black people for loitering in the coffee shop. 

16. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. Great news, we already have our Rachel:

17. Tinder is adding new safety features, including a panic button that alerts safety authorities if something goes wrong during a date. That’s crazy because it implies that something could go right on a Tinder date.

18. “Doctor Who” made history with its first ever black Doctor, who was revealed during Sunday night’s episode. Unfortunately it was Dr. Conrad Murray:

19. Twitter said on Monday accounts of several NFL teams, including the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs, were hacked, ahead of the Super Bowl. And apparently the Cleveland Browns:

20. President Trump tweeted in Arabic and Hebrew this week to promote his new Middle East peace deal. Begging the question, how can you even tell in Trump’s tweets are in a different language:

21. According to reports, Queen Elizabeth initially wanted to demote Prince Harry to an Earl upon hearing his decision to leave the Royal Family. “Vicious burn!” said the whitest people you know. 

22. A woman was arrested last week after attempting to sneak into the U.S. from Canada by running through a library that straddles the border between Quebec and Vermont. Police suspected she wasn’t American because she was in a library.

March 4, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, the IOC announced that a team comprised solely of refugees will compete in this year’s Summer Olympics. Donald Trump said he will use the refugees’ results in the pole vault to determine how tall to build the wall.

2. A wearable robotic limb that allows drummers to play their kit with three arms has been invented by researchers. The inventors got the idea for a third arm by watching a video of Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee, one specific video.

3. The Syrian government reported a nationwide power outage Thursday. Speaking as a Time Warner Cable customer, maybe those Syrian refugees and us aren’t that different after all.

4. Five New York women have filed suit against New York’s so-called “tampon tax,” which will levy a 4% “luxury tax” on feminine hygiene products. No word on whether New York citizen Donald Trump would also have to pay the tax since he is a huge douchebag.

5. An Ohio man who killed his roommate and ate part of his brain almost 40 years ago was denied parole for the sixth time. And no one was more disappointed by the decision than his current cellmate.

6. North Korean leader Kim Jong Un ordered his country to be ready to use its nuclear weapons at any time in the face of growing threats from its enemies. Which is bad news for South Korea and even worst news for Jong Un’s barber.

7. Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio won his first ever primary on Super Tuesday in Minnesota. And you never forget your first, which is why it sucks when your first is Minnesota.

8. Yesterday, after a year in space, astronaut Scott Kelly touched down in Houston to discover he is now a full inch taller than his identical twin brother Mark Kelly. “Put me down for five years in space,” said Kevin Hart.

9. On Tuesday, Donald Trump Jr., the son of Donald Trump, appeared on a white supremacist radio talk show. Afterwhich, an apology was immediately issued reading, “Sorry we couldn’t book a better guest.”

10. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump recently said no one has done more for equality than he has. Which is true, because Trump called both Mexicans and Puerto Ricans “garbage people.”

11. On Tuesday, a spokesman for the Ivy League said the league’s football programs are considering banning tackling in practices due to health concerns. “Shit, why end there, we got rid of tackling during games,” said a spokesperson for the Cleveland Browns.

12. MSNBC’s Melissa Harris-Perry is refusing to host her show this Saturday after consecutive weeks in which her show was replaced by general news programming. So if you were one of the loyal viewers of Harris-Perry’s program, hi people who fell asleep with their TV on.

13. In a recent interview, model Cheryl Tiegs said that she thinks fashion’s increasing acceptance of full-figured women sends a bad message, referencing a plus-size model’s appearance on the 2016 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover. If that’s the case, don’t let Tiegs see the cover of any O Magazine, ever.

14. On Friday, Gianni Infantino was elected the new president of FIFA, replacing previous president Sepp Blatter after a tumultuous year. It’s funny, because even though I know that, I keep writing ‘Sepp’ on all my bribery checks.

15. After being elected the new president of FIFA, Gianni Infantino said, “I want to look in the eyes of kids who are smiling because they have a ball to play with.” “Careful what you wish for,” said Jerry Sandusky.

16. On Saturday, “Fifty Shades of Grey” won the Razzie for worst film of the year. Which means, not even the Razzie judges watched “Pixels.”

17. Police in Amsterdam arrested a gang of drug dealers who used two fully-grown crocodiles to guard their money. An idea, that I’m sure when first was suggested, began and ended with the phrase, “Now, please pass the cocaine.”

18. According to a report, Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning is expected to announce his retirement from football this week. “Wait, I thought other people announced that for you,” said Tim Tebow.

19. The Supreme Court had a power outage during one of its cases on Tuesday. Said Chief Justice Roberts, “The lights are turned down, I’m wearing a robe, now let me see those briefs.”

20. Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz is trying to tie fellow-candidate Donald Trump to a prominent mobster. While Donald Trump is trying to tie Ted Cruz to a pair of cement shoes.

February 19, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, Malachi Love-Robinson, an 18-year-old Florida teen, was arrested after opening a medical office in West Palm Beach and presenting himself as a doctor. Luckily, according to the Malachi, he is also a lawyer so he will be able to represent himself.

2. Pope Francis said Thursday that GOP front-runner Donald Trump “is not Christian.”. Which, I assume, means he’s Jewish because he’s definitely not Muslim.

3. Bernie Sanders, in an interview with BET, accused Hillary Clinton of cozying up to President Obama in order to pander to African-Americans. Although, he probably could have made his point without using the words ‘dawg’ and ‘yo’ so much.

4. During Thursday night’s Republican town hall, presidential candidate Jeb Bush said recreational drug use is bad because it can prevent people from reaching their goals. For instance, I have a brother who used drugs recreationally and, now, as a result, I can’t reach my goal of being president.

5. During Thursday night’s Republican town hall, Jeb Bush said he was reading a book on his father, former president George H.W. Bush, and learned how hard it was for his dad to lose the 1992 presidential election. A lesson that he soon won’t need to learn from a book.

6. According to a new study, more than one out of three American adults do not get enough sleep. The study was conducted somewhere other than a Ben Carson rally.

7. In a recent interview, the lawyer for the recently recaptured drug kingpin El Chapo said his client feels that he’s a victim of “physical and mental torture” because guards wake him up every two hours. Oh, is he not enjoying jail. They’re not waking him up to be mean, they’re just checking that he’s still there, that happens when you keep escaping.

8. Former NFL wide receiver Reggie Rucker was charged in federal court with illegally siphoning off more than $100,000 from his anti-violence charities to pay off gambling debts and personal expenses. Authorities became suspicious when an NFL player spoke up against violence.

9. An Army lab has created a ready-to-eat pizza that lasts up to three years. Afterwhich, it can be used as a cyanide capsule.

10. On Thursday, the Senate voted 75 to 20 to approve a bill closing a loophole that allowed goods made by slaves to enter the U.S. market. “Define ‘slaves’,” said Apple.

11. Rapper Kanye West, who says he is $53 million in debt, has asked Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg to invest $1 billion into his “ideas.” So far, Kanye’s best idea is to steal $1 billion from Mark Zuckerberg.

12. Over the weekend, Sports Illustrated announced that, for the first time in the 52 year history of its swimsuit issue, three models, Ronda Rousey, Hailey Clauson and Ashley Graham, will grace the cover. Which is ridiculous, because how is Derek Jeter supposed to find time to sleep with all three of them?

13. Customers of TV and internet service provider Comcast were irate on Monday after widespread outages. “But outages imply that you had tv and internet service at one point,” said impressed Time Warner customers.

14. Police in California are asking for the public’s help after blow darts hit two people who were walking on the Golden Gate Bridge. So far here are their top suspects:

15. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump promised to stop using vulgarities on the campaign trail. Which means Trump now only has eight words in his vocabulary, and five once he realizes ‘tremendous’ is only one word.

16. During Thursday night’s Republican town hall, presidential candidate Donald Trump said he frequently eats fast food. Adding he eats a Big Mac at McDonalds, fried chicken at KFC and a chalupa covered in spit at Taco Bell.

January 21, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Professional golfer Dustin Johnson, who reportedly had been suspended from the PGA Tour for a positive drug test last summer, told Sports Illustrated that he does not have a cocaine problem. Adding, “Have you ever seen how boring golf is? Problem? No, I have a cocaine solution.”

2. According to a new study, people who live near trees are richer, smarter and healthier. So stop telling me to take the Christmas tree to the curb, Shelia.

3. Facebook said on Tuesday that it has taken steps to clamp down on “hoaxes” and fake news stories by allowing users to flag stories as “purposefully fake or deceitful news.” Facebook settled on the wording for the new flag since its first choice of “Fair and Balanced” was already taken.

4. According to a new report, with 1.35 billion users, Facebook would rank as the world’s second-most populous nation if it were a country. And if Facebook was really a nation, it would mean that North Korea would not be the only country in the would with a diminutive dictator hell-bent on world domination.

5. According to a new study of married couples, people are more likely to start working out and lose weight if their domestic partner also makes a healthy change. Which makes me think Mary Pat Christie may have a second, secret family.

6. British newspaper The Sun has ended a 45-year tradition of picturing topless models on page three. And started a new tradition of featuring topless models on the front page.

7. One of the guests at last night’s State of the Union address was an undocumented immigrant. Said the immigrant, “Everyone been’s so nice. For instance, every single Republican has offered me a ride home after the speech.”

8. Comedy Central announced yesterday that it will roast Justin Bieber on March 7th. But don’t get too excited, that just means they’re gonna tell some jokes about him.

9. Officials in Ohio are considering putting birth control in bird feed to cut down the pigeon population. “That’s not a bad idea,” said the people who live next-door to the “19 Kids and Counting” family.

10. On Tuesday, the Russian Anti-Doping Agency banned five Olympic walk champions for doping. So I guess it is possible for that “sport” to get even less exciting.

Monologue Jokes – July 8, 2013

1. A 72-year-old man was killed by three tigers in a closed-down zoo in northern Italy after he entered the animals’ cage to feed them. Mission accomplished.

2. According to the Cleveland Plain Dealer, Browns owner Jimmy Haslam is also the chairman and CEO of Pilot Flying J, a company that is $4 billion in debt. Proving that it is possible to own a company less successful than the Browns.

3. Texas Governor Rick Perry asked close friends and supporters last week to join him today for an announcement via a “save the date” email. Many expect him to announce his plans to run for governor for a fourth time, but I’m hoping the “save the date” is for his gay wedding.

4. A swine flu virus deadly to piglets has been discovered on two hog farms in North Carolina. “I don’t know, he tasted fine to me,” said Christopher Robbins.

5. Last week, Yoko Ono released her second conceptual art book entitled “Acorn.” If only Mark David Chapman had better aim.

6. According to Sports Illustrated, Dennis Rodman believes he should be considered for a Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts to broker talks between the United States and North Korea. Upon hearing the news, Nelson Mandela took a turn for the worse.

7. Last week, on July 4th, the Statue of Liberty reopened after being closed since sustaining damage in Superstorm Sandy. But don’t get the wrong idea immigrants, we still don’t want you.

8. A few weeks after being arrested for first degree murder, former Patriots tight-end Aaron Hernandez has been linked to several previous unsolved murders. Upon hearing this, former Hall of Fame running-back O.J. Simpson said, “Yeah, that’s the guy.”

9. On Saturday, Pope Francis said it pained him to see priests driving flashy cars, and told them to pick something more “humble.” Adding, it’s cheaper and easier to pick up young boys in plain, unmarked vans anyway.

10. Over the weekend, tennis star Andy Murray defeated Novak Djokovic to win his first Wimbledon title. With his win, Murray became the first Brit to take down a Grand Slam title since last week when Adele shut-down a Phoenix-area Denny’s.

Monologue Jokes – May 16, 2013

1. The adoptive parents of a child born with both male and female organs say South Carolina mutilated their child by choosing a gender and having his male genitalia surgically removed. Witnesses say it was the worst bris ever.

2. After being arrested for the third time in 16 months, Baltimore Ravens linebacker Rolando McClain is retiring from the NFL at the age of 23. So yes, that was former Ravens linebacker Rolando McClain stabbing you.

3. According to Census Bureau projections released Wednesday, white, non-Hispanic kids will no longer make up the majority of America’s youth in five years. Although, according to my Grandpa, that happened twenty years ago.

4. At a recent appearance, Governor Chris Christie elaborated on his decision to undergo lap-band surgery, saying he grew angry when his clothes no longer fit. And you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.

5. At a recent appearance, Governor Chris Christie elaborated on his decision to undergo lap-band surgery, saying he grew angry when his clothes no longer fit. You know you’ve hit rock-bottom when you can’t find a tracksuit that fits you in New Jersey.

6. Bereaved parents who don’t want to see their dead babies go through a conventional autopsy could in the future be offered a less invasive option which uses MRI machines to establish the cause of death. See, there’s always a silver lining.

7. Residents of a New Jersey senior citizen facility have been accused of prostitution and drug-related crimes. So now maybe you’ll visit your Nana a little more often.

8. After decades of using one-size-fits-all cancer therapies, doctors are using new tools to help decide when patients should skip chemotherapy. Those new tools used by doctors, seeing if your insurance clears.

9. According to Sports Illustrated, the highest paid individual in sports is boxer Floyd Mayweather Jr. The second highest, Elin Nordegren.

10. Puerto Rico’s sole non-voting representative in Congress proposed a bill on Wednesday that would offer statehood to the island-nation. If they become a state, can we throw a really obnoxious American Day Parade there?