March 16, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Doctors who transplanted a complete penis onto a wounded soldier reported Wednesday that the man has regained near-normal erections and the ability to achieve orgasm more than one year after the surgery was completed. Said the soldier, “Please, just say normal erections.” 

2. A man was sentenced to thirty days in jail for posting a video of himself removing an ice cream container from a Texas market, licking the contents, and returning it to the freezer. “So I hear you like licking things,” said his cellmate.

3. Footwear company Crocs has announced a new collaboration with candy-maker Peeps to release brightly-colored clogs featuring chicks and bunnies for Easter. Hey, just because Jesus died for our sins doesn’t mean you should just walk around sinning.

4. This week, PGA Commissioner Jay Monahan said that Disneyland closing tis doors s prompted PGA Tour to do the same. And it’s not the first time golf has followed trends set by Disney:

5. Last week, Senator Ted Cruz announced that he will self-quarantine himself after interacting with an individual who tested positive for the novel coronavirus at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference. “Oh, man, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy,” said people after hearing that someone interacted with Ted Cruz.

6. Earlier this month, singer Justin Bieber turned 26. Which is apparently that weird age where you look like both the victim and the pedophile:

7. It was announced last week that Hachette Book Group was considering publishing director Woody Allen’s memoir. Here’s a first look at the cover:

8. Last weekend, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders held a rally featuring the rap group Public Enemy and actor Dick van Dyke. The crowd was a little taken aback by all the swearing and then Pubic Enemy took the stage.

9. Last week, Harvey Weinstein’s lawyers said that he’ll die behind bars if sentenced to more than five years. Said the judge, “You promise?”

10. A New Mexico woman faces charges after police say she stole a car and later tried to claim she was Beyonce. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed that ‘Beyonce’ was driving a Kia Sorento.

11. The Cleveland Browns are increasing their efforts to help stop the spread of coronavirus by announcing a work-from-home policy. Which seems pointless, the Browns never show up on game day anyway.

12. Oscar-winning actor Tom Hanks announced on Twitter that he’s tested positive for the coronavirus. Good lord, not beloved character actor Tom Hanks, someone send the National Guard to Betty White’s house.

13. The Trump campaign has reportedly canceled a Women for Trump bus tour due to concerns over the coronavirus. Or, more likely, they realized that it probably wasn’t a great idea to remind women of Trump’ behavior on buses:

14. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. Said Joe, “I love painting!”

15. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. And, if history is any guide, you can do that by just giving him an opened umbrella:

16. According to research, a new type of therapy using feces and fake rubber hands may be able to help patients with obsessive compulsive disorder overcome their fears of touching contaminated surfaces. Which doesn’t seem like something we should be trying to cure right now.

17. Last week, students at Penn State held a candle-light vigil for a campus Taco Bell that’s closing. Marking the first time anyone has ever lit a candle before eating Taco Bell:

18. A new dating app has launched in the UK for men with penises that are smaller than the global average. It’s just like Tinder except you’re disappointed before you even meet the guy.

19. In response to price-gauging, New York state said they will be producing their own hand sanitizer. Word of caution, if you run into this man on the Q train, he does not work for the state and that’s not hand sanitizer he’s producing:

20. Donald Trump Jr. wants to debate Hunter Biden on who’s benefited more from their dads. It will be there first debate where legally every answer has to start with “Actually.”

August 3, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. At a rally this week, President Trump falsely claimed that photo ID is required to buy groceries in the U.S. Which means cashiers and Nancy O’Dell frequently tell Trump the same thing, “Sir, please put that away, I don’t need to see that.”

2. Jeremy Hunt the new British foreign secretary, made a diplomatic gaffe on Monday, calling his Chinese-born wife Japanese during talks with his counterpart in Beijing. Said Hunt, “Look, all I know is that she can’t drive worth a shit.”

3. According to ‘People’ magazine, Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra are engaged. So now you won’t know if a tabloid is calling Nick and Priyanka by their celebrity couple name or running a story about Jeremy Piven when they say there was a ‘Prick” sighting.

4. The former head of human resources at the FEMA, Corey Coleman, has been accused of trading sex for jobs at the agency. “So, that job is open now?” asked Harvey Weinstein.

5. Staff at the Eiffel Tower walked out on strike on Wednesday. Begging the question, how do you know an Eiffel Tower employee is ignoring your request for help because he is on strike or just bring French?

6. Bowing to pressure from China, American Airlines, Delta Air Lines and United Airlines removed references to Taiwan from maps on their websites. Not to be outdone, Malaysian Airlines did away with using maps altogether years ago.

7. Tomasz Stanko, a Polish trumpeter and prominent figure in avant-garde jazz for decades, died on Sunday at the age of 76. Thus bringing about the most welcomed moment of silence in history.

8. President Trump said on Monday he would be willing to meet Iran’s leader without preconditions, saying, “If they want to meet, we’ll meet.” “That gives me an idea,” said Robert Mueller putting on a hijab:

9. According to multiple sources, during discussions about renewable energy, President Trump more than once declared “I hate the wind.” While Eric is not a big fan of fire:

10. In a recent interview, long-time ‘Jeopardy’ host Alex Trebek hinted that he may soon retire and suggested Dan Coates as a possible replacement. Begging he question, Who is Dan Coates.

11. Scientists recently observed a mourning orca mom carrying her dead baby for days through the ocean. “She didn’t have a car trunk?” asked Casey Anthony.

12. In an upcoming episode of “Finding Your Roots,” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan learns that he is “slightly Jewish.” And, speaking as a Jew, my feelings when I found Ryan was also Jewish can be summed up in one meme:

13. President Donald Trump on Friday denied knowing about the 2016 meeting his son Donald Trump Jr. held at Trump Tower with a group of Russians. Look, I know Trump lies a lot, but him not giving a single fuck about what Don Jr. is up to seems very believable.

14. According to a new study, women are more sexually adventurous when they are trying to conceive a child. For instance, when Baron was conceived Melania agreed to have sex with Donald.

15. A mens clothing startup is set to launch an app the recommends clothing based on a guy’s Spotify playlist. Here’s what it recommends for the Coldplay listener:

16. Yane Petkov reclaimed on Tuesday the Guinness world record for swimming with his hands and feet tied while fully wrapped inside a sack. It’s cool that he set a record, but next time maybe he should just pay his bookie.

17. Over the weekend, President Donald Trump’s re-election campaign addressed rumors that it is paying Chinese manufacturers to produce campaign flags. Said the campaign staff, “Yes were are using Chinese manufacturers but, as is the Trump way, we don’t plan on paying them.”

18. According to sources, Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump are planning on staying in Washington D.C. for as long as President Trump does. So, Monday thru Thursday?:

July 6, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Sunday, NBA All-Star and future Hall-of-Famer LeBron James signed a 4-year deal with the Los Angeles Lakers. That story again, John Travolta no longer has the worst hairline in Hollywood:

2. On Sunday, NBA All-Star and future Hall-of-Famer LeBron James signed a 4-year deal to become a Los Angeles Laker. “When did LeBron leave?” asked J.R. Smith seven months from now.

3. Bad news for the city of Cleveland, on Sunday NBA All Star LeBron James announced that he is leaving Cleveland for Los Angeles. And, in even worse news for Cleveland, the Browns announced they are staying.

4. The Moscow zoo has named a new-born eagle after Igor Akinfeev, the star goalkeeper who helped Russia beat Spain and advance to the World Cup quarter-finals. Which means there’s a fifty percent chance that next week’s headline, after Russia’s inevitable loss, of “Igor Akinfeev fed to the lions” will be referring to the bird.

5. On Friday, Comcast, which owns NBC, suffered a massive outage, leaving many customers nationwide without television. The last time NBC caused that many TVs to be shut off, they were airing ‘Marlon’:

6. A draft of a bill from the Trump administration proposed having the U.S. abandon key World Trade Organization principles. And, just to make sure Trump continues to ignore the WTO, they have renamed it Eric.

7. The adult website Pornhub is rolling out a new feature that adds subtitles to videos for viewers who are deaf or hard-of-hearing. “I’m so excited to finally be able to write cleaner, more wholesome subtitles,” said the guy who used to write subtitles for Access Hollywood:

8. The adult website Pornhub is rolling out a new feature that adds subtitles to videos for viewers who are deaf or hard-of-hearing. Yeah, deaf or heard-of-hearing:

9. Weeks after ABC fired her for racist tweets, Roseanne Barr said she’s been fielding “many” TV offers. For instance, Time Warner offered to give her the first two months of cable for free.

10. U.S. Customs and Border Protection agents seized 108 counterfeit Super Bowl rings that were shipped into the country in June. Authorities became suspicious when they saw Mark Sanchez sporting a Super Bowl ring:

11. In a recent interview, actor Guy Pearce called fellow actor Kevin Spacey “handsy.” Which is like calling Bill Cosby a “mixologist.”

12. Walmart faced an outcry from Trump supporters on Tuesday for selling shirts bearing the slogan “Impeach 45.” No word on whether the supporters were upset with the slogan or the fact that the shirt had sleeves:

13. The captain of the Nigerian men’s national soccer team played a key World Cup match last week just hours after learning that his father had been kidnapped. “You think that’s bad, I play every game knowing that my dad is in the stands,” said Lonzo Ball:

14. This week, Michael Avenatti, the lawyer representing adult film actress Stormy Daniels, floated the possibility that he might run for president in 2020. You’d think a guy who represents porn stars would be more familiar with the idea of being over-exposed.

15. On Wednesday, Michael Cohen deleted “personal attorney to President Donald J. Trump” from his Twitter profile. Said President Trump, “You can delete things from Twitter!?!?!”:

16. The Korea Football Association has decided not to pursue charges against people who threw eggs at the national team after they arrived home from the World Cup. The South Korean soccer team said the incident was “disgraceful,” while the North Korean soccer team said “FREE EGGS!!!!”.

17. While giving a rally speech in Montana on Thursday, President Trump said he looked up into “their beautiful sky.” Which can only mean one thing, there must have been a solar eclipse in Montana on Thursday:

18. EPA chief Scott Pruitt resigned on Thursday under heavy fire for a series of ethics-related controversies. Pruitt knew it was finally time to leave and then stayed another ten months.

19. According to a new study, seeing the same doctor over the years helps people live longer. Counterpoint, Dr. Conrad Murray:

20. Last week, comedian Stuttering John Melendez, known for having a very pronounce speech impediment, prank called the White House and was put through to the President. Begging the question, how did he even understand a single thing that guy was saying, also, it probably wasn’t easy listening to the guy with the stutter either.

November 10, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week in Germany, movie-goers were forced to evacuate a theater after a man tried to open a beer with pepper spray. When asked if he was crying because he was exposed to the pepper spray, one man said, “No, I’m crying because I spent $15 to see Johnny Depp in ‘Murder on the Orient Express.’”

2. According to reports Osama bin Laden spent the last years of his life arguing with people in the comments section of YouTube who claimed 9/11 was an inside job. Ah, the comments section of YouTube, a place where Osama bin Laden is only the fourth or fifth worst person.

3. China’s drug control agency disputed President Trump’s claim that most of the synthetic drug fentanyl at the heart of the U.S. opioid crisis is produced in China. Said Trump, “Okay, but I’m not letting you off the hook for the pee-pee in the Coke thing.”

4. President Trump’s attempt to make an unannounced visit to the border separating North and South Korea was aborted on Wednesday after dense fog prevented his helicopter from landing. In unrelated news, Melania was seen on the White House’s North Lawn setting up multiple fog machines.

5. Last week, Actress Lindsay Lohan tweeted at President Trump saying they should meet while he’s in Asia. And, if Trump has any sense of humor, he’ll make Pence attend that meeting all alone.

6. A man was arrested near the White House on Monday. But, on the plus-side, that’s less than last week:

7. When asked in a recent interview about all the open positions in the State Department, President Trump said, “I’m the only one that matters.” Which is also how he signs his kid’s birthday cards:

8. While speaking in Japan last week, Ivanka Trump called for the end to harassment of women in the workplace. “What about on buses?” asked her father.

9. According to a new poll, 59% disapprove of Trump’s handling of the presidency, the worst of any president at nine months in office since modern polling began. It’s the worst rating a Trump has received after just nine months since Eric was born.

10. Shalane Flanagan became the first American woman to win the New York City Marathon in 40 years on Sunday. Flanagan was able to maintain a blistering pace because right behind her was the eventual second place finisher, Harvey Weinstein.

11. Actor Alec Baldwin claims that he was told that Melanie Trump likes his impression of her husband on ‘Saturday Night Live.’ Specifically the part where she can mute him.

12. According to reports, President Trump urged his CIA Director Mike Pompeo to meet with former NSA-employee William Binney who circulated the debunked theory that the leak of Democratic Party emails last year was an inside job rather than a Russian cyberattack. That story again, Mike Pompeo met with a paranoid, conspiracy theorist and also William Binney.

13. The country of Indonesia plans to launch a new automated system to help block websites displaying content such as pornography or extremist ideology. That story again, Indonesia will no longer have the internet.

14. A noted Filipino artist is creating an action figure of President Donald Trump. And bad news ladies, it’s gonna have king-fu grip:

15. While speaking in China this week, President Trump said, “Don’t blame China. Who can blame a country for being able to take advantage of another country for the benefit of their citizens.” Adding, “Especially when Hillary Clinton is still around to blame.”

16. A substitute teacher at a Virginia school was charged with being drunk in public this week after students found him passed out at his desk. That story again, a substitute teacher was arrested for doing his job.

17. During a round of golf, Japan’s Prime Minister Shinzo Abe fell into a sand bunker but his playing partner, President Trump, didn’t seem to notice. Which isn’t surprising since Trump doesn’t seem to be aware that Eric’s head has been stuck in a staircase at Trump Tower for the past three years:

18. On Wednesday, police in Pennsylvania arrested a man who showed up to a local school intoxicated wanting to vote the day after the election. And it must have been one hell of a hangover because he showed up wanting to vote for Jimmy Carter.

19. President Trump’s long-time confidant Keith Schiller privately testified that he rejected a Russian offer to send five women to Trump’s hotel room during a 2013 trip to Moscow. Said Trump, “What am I going to do with five women? I only have two grabbing hands.”

20. The producers of the completed but unreleased Hollywood film “All the Money in the World” have chosen to remove Kevin Spacey from the movie, recast his role and reshoot his scenes following sexual misconduct allegations against the actor. And, in a sign of just how unpopular Spacey is now, they are replacing him with Jar Jar Binks.

October 13, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. The student Academy Awards were held on Thursday in Beverly Hills. They are just like the regular Academy Awards except to get nominated you don’t have to watch Harvey Weinstein masturbate into a potted plant.

2. This week, President Trump gave his first one-on-one interview in three months to Mike Huckabee. And, given all that, no one was under more pressure than the chairs:

3. Madison Square Garden has created a ticket package for $400,000 that includes front-row seats for 180 events, including all Knicks and Rangers games and concerts from the likes of Billy Joel and Shakira. Or, you can pay $500,000 for a package that doesn’t include Knicks games.

4. According to a new ‘Vanity Fair’ article, an increasingly frustrated President Trump has been heard saying, “I hate everyone in the White House.” Said Eric, “This is the first time I’m happy daddy makes me sleep in a tent out back”:

5. It is being reported that during the meeting that led to Secretary of State Rex Tillerson calling President Trump a ‘moron,’ Trump said he wanted to increase the U.S.’s nuclear arsenal tenfold. Which is five more folds than normal for him:

6. According to a new survey, 52% of men say they haven’t personally benefited from women having access to affordable birth control. A result that only makes sense if they somehow, accidentally polled Kevin Federline 52 times.

7. The world’s heaviest woman died this week. Luckily, it was an easy death because she had ample experience going towards the light:

8. According to a new study, half of Americans think, in the future, having sex with a robot will be normal. That story again, Ann Romney was way ahead of her time:

9. This week ‘The Times of London’ reported that ousted movie exec Harvey Weinstein once invited a British noblewoman to “jump in the bath” with him. Begging the question, just how big was that bathtub that it could fit Harvey Weinstein and another human being?

10. According to a study in the American Journal of Emergency Medicine, more than 1 million Americans injure themselves on stairs each year. Not to be outdone, 60 million Americans were fucked over by an escalator last year:

11. Vice President Mike Pence left a football game between the Indianapolis Colts and the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday after some players knelt during the National Anthem. There was also a mass exodus following the National Anthem at the Jets game, but that’s because it was announced they were playing the Browns.

12. This week, President Trump responded to reports that his Secretary of State Rex Tillerson called him “a fucking moron” by challenging him to an IQ test. IQ tests are based on verbal intelligence, mathematical ability, spatial reasoning, and, uh-oh, ability to open doors:

13. Microsoft said on Monday it was looking into whether Russians bought U.S. election ads on its Bing search engine. Oh man, if that’s true, those ads could have been seen by literally tens of people.

14. This week, Russian President Vladimir Putin received a puppy as a belated-birthday gift from the president of Turkmenistan. Said Putin, “Great, just what we need in this country, another foreigner who pees wherever he wants.”:

15. Some East African countries no longer want foreign secondhand clothing because they’re trying to manufacture their own clothing. But what those Africans really want is to meet the back-to-back-to-back-to-back Superbowl-winning Buffalo Bills teams of the early 90s.

16. A company has begun selling condoms in 60-custom-fit sizes in response to men who say they don’t like wearing prophylactics because they don’t fit properly. Said those same men to their girlfriends, “Did I also mention I’m allergic to latex?”

17. Forbes magazine, which annually ranks the world’s richest people, said they have a ‘Trump rule’ where they take whatever Trump says he’s worth and divide it by three. Completely disregarding two-thirds is an idea the magazine said they got from Trump himself:

18. Authorities say man in Minnesota lived in a house with the decomposing bodies of his mother and twin brother for over a year. But, on the plus-side ladies he’s a homeowner now.

19. White House officials believe Chief of Staff John Kelly’s personal cellphone was hacked. Even crazier, Trump’s wasn’t:

20. Grammy-winning rapper Nelly was arrested near Seattle early on Saturday after a woman accused him of sexually assaulting her on a tour bus. But we shouldn’t rush to judgment, maybe it was just locker room talk:

September 22, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Before addressing the United Nations on Monday, President Trump was caught asking the man seated next to him whether the red light in front of him meant the microphone was on or off. So, at least, he’s learning from his mistakes:

2. Last Friday, an 11-year-old named Frank from Virginia mowed the White House lawn after sending a letter asking to do so. “Are there any little kids requesting to make purses?” asked Ivanka.

3. Last Friday, an 11-year-old named Frank from Virginia mowed the White House lawn after sending a letter asking to do so. And Trump helped out:

4. Last week, one-star reviews of Hillary Clinton’s new book “What Happened” mysteriously disappeared from Amazon. “Good luck finding them,” said the family of Vince Foster.

5. According to a new study, getting your tonsils removed increases your fertility. Although, if your tonsils are getting in the way of you getting pregnant, I think you might be doing it wrong.

6. A pop-up restaurant has opened in Tokyo where the 17 waiters and waitresses all suffer from dementia. Or, as it is known here in the States, Starbucks:

7. Ex-Trump aide Michael Caputo says he spent his children’s college fund on a lawyer to defend him in the ongoing Russian probe. But cheer up Mike, there’s history of people successfully suing Trump to get their tuition money back:

8. Jedediah Bila announced on Monday that she is leaving ‘The View.’ Jedediah is leaving, I assume, to spend more time churning butter.

9. A New York startup is developing a wristband that lets the wearer send text messages solely using their thoughts. The technology is still in the early stages, but here’s a sneak peak at what a technology that allows for stream-of-consciousness will look like:

10. An Ohio father who tried to discipline his 6-year-old daughter by chasing her around in a scary clown mask has been charged with inducing panic. “Is it sill illegal if it’s not a mask?” asked Kellyanne Conway’s kids.

11. Prosecutors on Wednesday sought a prison sentence of 27 months for Anthony Weiner, who admitted to sending sexually explicit messages to a teenage girl in a scandal that played a role in last year’s presidential election. After which, he may want to consider entering the witness protection program:

12. A San Diego children’s hospital unveiled a collection of remote controlled mini cars that allow its young patients to ‘drive’ themselves to the operating room. Unfortunately, the doctors aren’t very good, so the kid operating the mini tow-truck has been very busy.

13. This week, North Korea’s foreign minster compared President Trump’s threats to destroy the country to “a dog barking.” A sound in North Korea which also means dinner isn’t quite ready yet.

14. According to Roald Dahl’s widow, the author initially wanted to make the main character in “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” black. In fact, originally, the Oomp-Loompas followed Charlie around the factory making sure he didn’t steal anything.

15. According to reports, former White House strategist Steve Bannon is in talks with Hollywood to make a western. I assume because he’s dead-ringer for the bloated corpse of John Wayne.

16. A few days after being accused of liking a pornographic tweet, Texas Senator Ted Cruz dismissed the claim saying, “the left is obsessed with sex.” Adding, “while my right hand is only mildly interested in it.”

17. A Florida woman punched her husband in the face after he burst into her bedroom while she was pleasuring herself because he thought she was having sex with another man. Or, as Chris Brown calls it, foreplay.

18. Last week, playwright Lin-Manuel Miranda went to Washington D.C. to advocate for the arts and sang Broadway songs on the congressional train the runs under the Capital building. Little known fact, if you sing show-tunes on the congressional train Lindsey Graham appears out of nowhere.

July 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last Friday, a truck hauling eels over-tuned on an Oregon highway. But that’s still not the slimiest thing that’s happened on a road recently:

2. Hillary Clinton’s unused election night confetti has been repurposed and put into snow globes. There was a lot of confetti to begin with and, then, after the results came in, Hillary made some of her own:

3. According to a new study, Indonesia is the laziest country in the world. Asked what they thought of the study, the people of Indonesia said, “We’ll read it later.”

4. Last week, President Trump said his long-promised border wall will have “openings” to see through. Said Trump, “It’ll be just like the walls I built backstage for the Miss Teen USA Pageant.”

5. Russian President Vladimir Putin said on Friday that he hoped for further dialogue with President Trump after their meeting in Germany earlier this month. That story again, Putin waited the customary four days before asking for a second date.

6. According to a new study, men named Wayne are most likely to cheat on their partners. “I wish you had told me that before he broke my heart,” said Robin:

7. Pope Francis has a ‘No Whining’ sign on the door to his residence in the Vatican. Even worse, during confessional, he frequently tells church-goers to “grow a pair.”

8. Shaquille O’Neal wants to own 100 Krispy Kreme donut shops. And, apparently, he’s been letting his buddy Charles Barkley do the research:

9. United Airlines is considering a new system to resell your seat for a higher price in exchange for a reward. But, if you think about it, isn’t not having to fly United reward enough?

10. Due to low passing rates, the state of California said it will make its bar exam easier to pass. Which is good news, because at the rate in which the Trump White House is hiring attorneys, we’re gonna running out real soon.

May 22, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new report, former FBI Director James Comey once tried to blend into the curtains in the Oval Office to avoid being seen by President Trump. “Find you own hiding spot,” said Melania, who was already in those curtains.

2. Fox News on Friday announced that it had fired “The Five” co-host Bob Beckel for an untoward remark he made to an employee of color. Fox News said they cannot support that type of inflammatory language directed at an African-American unless that person is the president.

3. A GPS company is offering customers the option of choosing Donald Trump’s voice as their navigation voice. There is also a Hillary Clinton option, but, even if you ask, it refuses to give you directions to Michigan or Wisconsin.

4. According to ‘The New York Times,’ President Donald Trump bragged to two Russian officials last week that firing “nut job” FBI Director James Comey eased “great pressure” on him. The last time Trump was able to ease such pressure was the previous night when he took off his spanx.

5. A kung fu master in China used his genitals to pull a 13 ton bus. And yet, that is only the second most disturbing story involving genitals and a bus:

6. As a result of pleading guilty to sexting a fifteen-year-old girl, former Congressman Anthony Weiner will have to register as a sex offender. Thus tarnishing the otherwise good name of Anthony Weiner.

7. Huma Abedin has filed for divorce from husband and former Congressman Anthony Weiner. “You couldn’t have done this a year ago!” screamed Hillary.

8. Over the weekend, ‘Saturday Night Live’ cast member Vanessa Bayer announced that, after seven seasons, last Saturday’s episode was her last. Bayer played many beloved characters on the show, but you probably know her best from this announcement right now.

9. On Sunday, Pope Francis told a crowd of children that, when he was younger, he didn’t play soccer very well, which is how he earned the nickname “stiff leg.” Unfortunately, this was not the first time a Catholic priest told kids about a stiff body part.

10. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has demanded his government ministers attend the arrival ceremony of President Trump this morning after several of them said they were going to skip it. But, I wouldn’t get too bent out of shape about it, Trump is used to small crowds:

April 21, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. New England Patriot defensive end Alan Branch said he decided to skip going to the White House to meet President Trump on Wednesday because he “couldn’t shake his hand and look my daughters in the eye.” Said Trump, “Who looks their daughter in the eye?”:

2. A professional tennis match being played at the Sarasota Open in Florida Tuesday night was temporarily interrupted by the sounds of loud sex coming from a building nearby. That story again, the couple that lives in the apartment above mine is apparently on vacation in Florida.

3. This week, Sarah Palin ate dinner with President Trump at the White House and brought along Ted Nugent and Kid Rock. That story again, the White House relaxed its “no shoes, no shirt, no service” policy.

4. On Wednesday, Fox News fired Bill O’Reilly amid sexual harassment allegations from twelve women over the past fifteen years. So, if you’re ever wondered exactly how behind the times Fox New is, the answer is fifteen years.

5. The same day he was fired from Fox News, Bill O’Reilly was spotted in Vatican City shaking the Pope’s hand. And the two have a lot in common, they’re both celibate, although not from a lack of trying by one of them.

6. British tech entrepreneur Patrick Bergel became the first man to drive a car across the Antartic, completing the feat 100 years after his great-grandfather, explorer Ernest Shackleton, failed to cross the same continent on foot. Said Bergel, “I like to think, if my great-grandfather were alive to see this, he’d call me an incredible pussy for using a car.”

7. According to a new study, having frequent sex improves your memory. Which makes it even weirder that Anthony Weiner kept forgetting to delete his browser history.

8. Colorado is set to open the country’s first drive-thru marijuana store. Although, technically, not on purpose:

9. An Oregon man’s obituary claims he died peacefully after falsely being told by his family members that Donald Trump had been impeached. His last words were reportedly “Oh no, Mike Pence!”

10. Barack and Michelle Obama have been spotted vacationing on a yacht in Tahiti with Oprah, Tom Hanks and Bruce Springsteen. “That’s ridiculous, who waits until after their presidency to vacation?” said Trump from Mar-a-Lago.

11. A high school senior in Tennessee went skydiving in a tuxedo to ask his girlfriend to prom. And, considering his first two parachutes failed and he was able to pull the chord to the last one just in time, he may want to get those tuxedo pants laundered before prom.

12. Renata Rojas of New York is paying $105,000 to visit the wreckage of the Titanic. Although, if she’s interested in seeing a sinking ship, she could save a lot of money by getting a job in the Trump White House.

13. A stage parody of the hit show “Friends” is debuting off-Broadway this year. While a parody of the hit show “The West Wing” has been running for months in D.C.

14. The International Church of Cannabis is set to open its doors for the first time next week in Denver. And I have a hunch that won’t be the only international house of worship those patrons visit that day:

15. According to a new study, having a baby can wreck your marriage. ”It’s adorable that you think those things happen in that order,” said the South.

16. According to reports, President Trump has requested a gold-plated carriage ride with Queen Elizabeth when he makes his first official visit to Great Britain. Presumably because the Access Hollywood bus was already booked.

March 9. 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman was named the United State’s ambassador to Russia. Said a confused Trump, “Wait, then what’s my job?”

2. On Wednesday, China granted the Trump organization trademark approval to open Trump branded massage parlors and escort services. Or, if you’re an American citizen, you can just stay here and get fucked by Trump for free.

3. Over 10% of the Republican’s new healthcare bill focuses on denying Medicaid to lottery winners. And, under the new plan, ‘lottery winner’ includes anyone who makes it to age 65 under this new healthcare law.

4. On Tuesday, President Trump popped out from behind a screen and surprised schoolchildren on the first public White House tour. “Yeah, he’ll do that,” said Miss Teen USA pageant contestants.

5. According to experts, the Republican’s new healthcare bill will cover 20 million less Americans than Obamacare. And maybe Trump’s not concerned about it because he doesn’t know what one million, let alone, 20 million, people looks like:

6. On Tuesday, President Trump met with Harvey Levin, who founded the celebrity gossip website TMZ, in the White House Oval Office. Which can only mean one thing, the Access Hollywood bus already booked.

7. The official name of the Republican’s new healthcare bill is “The World’s Greatest Healthcare Plan of 2017.” Republicans named it that in hopes that Democrats will read the title and just stop there.

8. Fan are upset that “Iron Fist,” a Netflix martial arts series, stars a white actor instead of an Asian-American. Said Netflix, “If you’re upset about this show, you may also hate “The Last Samurai.”

9. Last night, President Trump had dinner with Ted Cruz. Man, how could he possible eat anything with that face peering at him from across the table, you could say of either of them.

10. A YMCA in Pennsylvania has banned its members from watching cable news while working out to prevent fights in the gym. Which stinks, because if you’re forced to work out at a YMCA I’m guessing that’s the only place you have access to cable TV.