Tag Archives: Charlie Crist

July 18, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Marvel announced yesterday that African-American comic book character Sam Wilson, previously known as the Falcon, will be taking over as Captain America. “A black Captain America? I’m gonna have to see a long-form birth certificate,” said Donald Trump.

2. This week a man in Australia took out a second mortgage on his house to pay for penis enlargement surgery. Because he damn well wasn’t gonna trade in his Porsche.

3. Yesterday, Democrat Charlie Crist picked Annette Taddeo-Goldstein, a Jewish, Hispanic female, as his running mate for November’s gubernatorial race. She’s one meth addiction away from being the perfect Florida candidate.

4. Facebook is testing a new “buy” button on its website that will let consumers purchase products that are advertised on its social network. Unfortunately users will not be able to buy a life.

5. This week the Ku Klux Klan in South Carolina gave out goodie bags filled with candy as a way to increase membership. So don’t be surprised if you see some Klan members with chocolate stained hoodies.

6. According to newly released rules, pot stores in Washington state can sell marijuana in cookies and brownies but cannot put the drug in candies, lollipops and other food items that might appeal to children. Said children, “Oh, look, cookies!”

7. On Thursday, a Kentucky man already charged with shoplifting beer added to his troubles when he made a prank call from the police station to order five pizzas. Said authorities, “What a coincidence, let me introduce you to your cellmate, around here they call him Papa John.”

8. A new study shows, children who spend time outdoors after school are more likely to be physically fit. Said American kids, “Ahhh, the sun!”

9. UK police announced on Wednesday that they have arrested 660 suspected pedophiles in a six month operation spanning the entire country. In unrelated news, church is cancelled this Sunday.

10. The Texas woman who admitted to sending ricin-laced letters to President Obama and New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg was sentenced to 18 years in jail on Wednesday. She is reportedly looking for a prison pen-pal.

11. According to a new study, men who have more social connections tend to have a lower risk of suicide. Also according to that study, marriage doesn’t count as a ‘social connection.’

12. According to a recent episode of TLC’s “Sex Sent Me to the ER,” a woman has developed an allergy to her husband’s semen. Said the husband, “At first I thought I was having one of my best performances ever, then I realized she was in anaphylactic shock.”

13. In a small study, group music therapy sessions using familiar songs helped people with late-stage Alzheimer’s strike-up communication. Said one patient, “Becky’s right, that is a big butt.”

14. A study published on Monday found that people are apt to pick friends who are genetically similar to themselves. Which is weird because if I were picking friends I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t pick my family.

May 9, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Lawmakers expressed concerns about the merger of the top two cable operators, Comcast and Time Warner, at a congressional hearing on Thursday. But, in the cable providers’ defense, how could their service get any worse?

2. A man who appeared on a Turkish dating show in search of a new partner shocked the audience by revealing he had murdered his former wife and a former lover. Begging the question, what was O.J. Simpson doing in Turkey?

3. A man who appeared on a Turkish dating show in search of a new partner shocked the audience by revealing he had murdered his former wife and a former lover. Despite that, I still give this couple better odds of making it than anyone who met on “the Bachelor.”

4. The cover of the current issue of “Rolling Stone” features actor Neil Patrick Harris wearing nothing but a bowtie and a well-placed top hot. Or, as it is known on Fire Island, formal wear.

5. On Thursday, the FCC announced a $2.4 million fine against Dialing Services, a New Mexico-based firm that the FCC says continued to place robocalls over the past year despite having been warned against doing so in March 2013. When contacted about the story, the firm replied, “If you’d like to hear our side of the story, press one. If you’d like to be added to our mailing list, press two. If you’re the FCC, please fuck off and press three. To hear those options again, press nine.”

6. According to the Financial Times, Apple is close to buying headphone maker Beats Electronics for $3.2 billion. But, as is usually the case, Apple will probably lose them and be forced to buy a whole new headphone company next week.

7. This week, window cleaners in Pittsburgh dressed up like superheroes in order to cheer up patients at a children’s hospital. Unfortunately, the kids learned the hard way that this Superman couldn’t fly.

8. According to a survey by the Durex condom company, people in Mexico have the most exciting sex. “I’m not sure I’d call it ‘exciting,’” said the donkey.

9. According to an online report, Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling claimed in a new recording he is not a bigot. Look, I don’t know if he’s a bigot, but I can say with certainty that he’s an idiot if he’s still recording himself.

10. A 27-year-old Japanese man was arrested on Thursday for illegally possessing handguns made by a 3-D printer. I miss the old days when Japanese men were arrested for possessing handguns made from origami.

11. The New York Public Library announced it is abandoning a controversial renovation plan that would have replaced floors of research material with a circulating library. “Understood, but how will this affect my ability to shit here?” said homeless people.

12. Yesterday, Burger King announced that it will be adding hamburgers, cheeseburgers and french fries to its breakfast menu. Although, if you’re the type of person who thinks it’s a good idea to eat a cheeseburger right when you wake up, I’m guessing it wasn’t that much of a fast to break to begin with.

13. Florida Democrat Charlie Crist is exploring a possible trip to Cuba this summer as part of his campaign to win the state’s governorship. But, will most likely reconsider once he figures out how voting works.

14. According to a new survey, buying a dog can be a key to fixing a failing relationship. Because then you can start blaming shit on the dog.

15. On Wednesday, the new head of a congressional panel investigating the 2012 attack on U.S. diplomatic facilities in Benghazi criticized some Republicans’ use of the deadly incident to raise campaign funds. Said Rudy Giuliani, “9-11, 9-11, 9-11.”

16. According to a recent study, people can instinctively tell the difference between real and fake laughter. “The gig is up,” said the executive producer of “Two and a Half Men.”

17. The first person on the scene after Oscar Pistorius shot and killed his girlfriend testified this week that he was praying, crying and pleading with her not to die. The witness said when she first arrived Pistorius was down on his knees praying, then he was down on his knees talking to the police, later he was down on his knees making a sandwich.

18. The Florida State Legislature voted on Friday to let a Mexican-born, non-U.S. citizen practice law in the state. Next on the docket for the Florida Legislature, coming up with laws.

October 28, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Former Florida Governor Charlie Crist launched a campaign-style video and website on Friday that threw open the door to a likely run for his old job in 2014. While Crist has the necessary experience to be Florida’s next governor, he is over-qualified for a run at the Presidency in 2016 since his new website actually works.

2. The San Francisco 49ers won a fifth straight game on Sunday, crushing the winless Jacksonville Jaguars 42-10 at London’s Wembley Stadium. The outcome is no surprise considering when the Jaguars were going through customs at Heathrow, when asked if they were in town for “business” or “pleasure,” the players answered “neither.”

3. The San Francisco 49ers won a fifth straight game on Sunday, crushing the winless Jacksonville Jaguars 42-10 at London’s Wembley Stadium. Not since Vanilla Ice embarked on a world tour, has someone traveled such a great distance for the opportunity to suck in front of a whole new crowd.

4. Rapper Chris Brown was arrested and charged with assault in Washington early Sunday morning after getting into a fight with a man outside a hotel. But, on the plus side, at least he’s punching guys now, that’s called progress.

5. Rapper Chris Brown was arrested and charged with assault in Washington early Sunday morning after getting into a fight with a man outside a hotel. “I thought I was special!” said Rihanna.

6. American artist Duke Riley is set to open an exhibit in New York City this week which documents his experience training pigeons to smuggle Cuban cigars out of Havana and into the U.S. So if you thought that cigar tasted like bird shit, you were right.

7. Actor Orlando Bloom and model Miranda Kerr are back on the market after the couple announced the end of their three-year marriage. Which may explain that long, slow once-over your girlfriend gave you this morning.

8. After serving two years in prison for causing the death of Michael Jackson, Dr. Conrad Murray is set to be freed from jail today. Can someone make sure he still has LaToya’s number?

9. Oversleeping due to a turkey dinner and false teeth flying out the car window were just two of the imaginative excuses employees gave bosses when calling in sick last year, according to a study released by job website CareerBuilder. Proving that American workers are willing to put in a hard day of work at the workplace as long as that work involves them not having to show up at their workplace.

10. On Sunday, Miguel Cabrera of the Detroit Tigers and Paul Goldschmidt of the Arizona Diamondbacks were selected as the winners of the Hank Aaron Award, given to the most outstanding offensive players of the year. While, for the fifth year in a row, New York Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez won the Barry Bonds Award, given to the most offensive player of the year.