July 18, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Marvel announced yesterday that African-American comic book character Sam Wilson, previously known as the Falcon, will be taking over as Captain America. “A black Captain America? I’m gonna have to see a long-form birth certificate,” said Donald Trump.

2. This week a man in Australia took out a second mortgage on his house to pay for penis enlargement surgery. Because he damn well wasn’t gonna trade in his Porsche.

3. Yesterday, Democrat Charlie Crist picked Annette Taddeo-Goldstein, a Jewish, Hispanic female, as his running mate for November’s gubernatorial race. She’s one meth addiction away from being the perfect Florida candidate.

4. Facebook is testing a new “buy” button on its website that will let consumers purchase products that are advertised on its social network. Unfortunately users will not be able to buy a life.

5. This week the Ku Klux Klan in South Carolina gave out goodie bags filled with candy as a way to increase membership. So don’t be surprised if you see some Klan members with chocolate stained hoodies.

6. According to newly released rules, pot stores in Washington state can sell marijuana in cookies and brownies but cannot put the drug in candies, lollipops and other food items that might appeal to children. Said children, “Oh, look, cookies!”

7. On Thursday, a Kentucky man already charged with shoplifting beer added to his troubles when he made a prank call from the police station to order five pizzas. Said authorities, “What a coincidence, let me introduce you to your cellmate, around here they call him Papa John.”

8. A new study shows, children who spend time outdoors after school are more likely to be physically fit. Said American kids, “Ahhh, the sun!”

9. UK police announced on Wednesday that they have arrested 660 suspected pedophiles in a six month operation spanning the entire country. In unrelated news, church is cancelled this Sunday.

10. The Texas woman who admitted to sending ricin-laced letters to President Obama and New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg was sentenced to 18 years in jail on Wednesday. She is reportedly looking for a prison pen-pal.

11. According to a new study, men who have more social connections tend to have a lower risk of suicide. Also according to that study, marriage doesn’t count as a ‘social connection.’

12. According to a recent episode of TLC’s “Sex Sent Me to the ER,” a woman has developed an allergy to her husband’s semen. Said the husband, “At first I thought I was having one of my best performances ever, then I realized she was in anaphylactic shock.”

13. In a small study, group music therapy sessions using familiar songs helped people with late-stage Alzheimer’s strike-up communication. Said one patient, “Becky’s right, that is a big butt.”

14. A study published on Monday found that people are apt to pick friends who are genetically similar to themselves. Which is weird because if I were picking friends I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t pick my family.

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