February 3, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump said on Monday the United States and China were in close contact regarding the newly identified coronavirus outbreak. “Close contact? Be careful, you might contract something,” said China:

 2. Last week, scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. Scientists made this discovery by showing the movie “Cats” to a bunch of sharks and watching them walk out of the theater. 

3. ‘Rolling Stone’ reported this week that during a listening party for his new record, singer Justin Bieber cried during the album’s playback. Crying because you’re being forced to listen to Justin Bieber music is the most relatable Justin Bieber has ever been. 

4. London’s first cheese-themed hotel opened last week. There are only rooms for one, because if your lifestyle makes you want to sleep in a cheese hotel, you’re probably provolone. 

5. NASA recently announced that it wants to put a female astronaut on the moon by 2024. While Mike Pence wants to put all women there by 2025.

6. Author Mary Higgins Clark, known as the ‘Queen of Suspense,’ died on Friday at the age of 92. Or did she? 

7. Doctors have issued a warning telling young men not to masturbate using banana peels, which has become a trend circulating on social media. Otherwise you may find out just how curious George really is.

8. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has announced that his forthcoming tell-all book will be called “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir.” It will be the first book told entirely from the Presidential bathroom. 

9. Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has already spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on campaign ads. It’s all part of Bloomberg’s plan to be more omni-present and annoying than Flo from Progressive. 

10. Border agents arrested a 36-year-old US citizen this week after finding 222 pounds of liquid meth in his truck. To give you an idea, this is what 222 pounds of meth looks like:

11. A man in China recently ate several live eels in an attempt to cure his constipation. “No matter how this ends, it’s gonna be my problem” said the aquarium’s janitor.

12. Last week, it was announced on Twitter that Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has died. Although the timing of his death is suspicious since it came so quickly after the release of this photo:

13. An ad appearing in the Waze navigation app is misdirecting motorists trying to get to Atlantic City’s Borgata Casino into the wilderness of New Jersey instead. The ad is actually from the Borgata, specifically the casino’s collections department:

14. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’ wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer. “So it was the swimsuit edition,” said lesbians.

15. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. During the first episode Gunther calls the cops on the six black people for loitering in the coffee shop. 

16. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. Great news, we already have our Rachel:

17. Tinder is adding new safety features, including a panic button that alerts safety authorities if something goes wrong during a date. That’s crazy because it implies that something could go right on a Tinder date.

18. “Doctor Who” made history with its first ever black Doctor, who was revealed during Sunday night’s episode. Unfortunately it was Dr. Conrad Murray:

19. Twitter said on Monday accounts of several NFL teams, including the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs, were hacked, ahead of the Super Bowl. And apparently the Cleveland Browns:

20. President Trump tweeted in Arabic and Hebrew this week to promote his new Middle East peace deal. Begging the question, how can you even tell in Trump’s tweets are in a different language:

21. According to reports, Queen Elizabeth initially wanted to demote Prince Harry to an Earl upon hearing his decision to leave the Royal Family. “Vicious burn!” said the whitest people you know. 

22. A woman was arrested last week after attempting to sneak into the U.S. from Canada by running through a library that straddles the border between Quebec and Vermont. Police suspected she wasn’t American because she was in a library.

October 13, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. The student Academy Awards were held on Thursday in Beverly Hills. They are just like the regular Academy Awards except to get nominated you don’t have to watch Harvey Weinstein masturbate into a potted plant.

2. This week, President Trump gave his first one-on-one interview in three months to Mike Huckabee. And, given all that, no one was under more pressure than the chairs:

3. Madison Square Garden has created a ticket package for $400,000 that includes front-row seats for 180 events, including all Knicks and Rangers games and concerts from the likes of Billy Joel and Shakira. Or, you can pay $500,000 for a package that doesn’t include Knicks games.

4. According to a new ‘Vanity Fair’ article, an increasingly frustrated President Trump has been heard saying, “I hate everyone in the White House.” Said Eric, “This is the first time I’m happy daddy makes me sleep in a tent out back”:

5. It is being reported that during the meeting that led to Secretary of State Rex Tillerson calling President Trump a ‘moron,’ Trump said he wanted to increase the U.S.’s nuclear arsenal tenfold. Which is five more folds than normal for him:

6. According to a new survey, 52% of men say they haven’t personally benefited from women having access to affordable birth control. A result that only makes sense if they somehow, accidentally polled Kevin Federline 52 times.

7. The world’s heaviest woman died this week. Luckily, it was an easy death because she had ample experience going towards the light:

8. According to a new study, half of Americans think, in the future, having sex with a robot will be normal. That story again, Ann Romney was way ahead of her time:

9. This week ‘The Times of London’ reported that ousted movie exec Harvey Weinstein once invited a British noblewoman to “jump in the bath” with him. Begging the question, just how big was that bathtub that it could fit Harvey Weinstein and another human being?

10. According to a study in the American Journal of Emergency Medicine, more than 1 million Americans injure themselves on stairs each year. Not to be outdone, 60 million Americans were fucked over by an escalator last year:

11. Vice President Mike Pence left a football game between the Indianapolis Colts and the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday after some players knelt during the National Anthem. There was also a mass exodus following the National Anthem at the Jets game, but that’s because it was announced they were playing the Browns.

12. This week, President Trump responded to reports that his Secretary of State Rex Tillerson called him “a fucking moron” by challenging him to an IQ test. IQ tests are based on verbal intelligence, mathematical ability, spatial reasoning, and, uh-oh, ability to open doors:

13. Microsoft said on Monday it was looking into whether Russians bought U.S. election ads on its Bing search engine. Oh man, if that’s true, those ads could have been seen by literally tens of people.

14. This week, Russian President Vladimir Putin received a puppy as a belated-birthday gift from the president of Turkmenistan. Said Putin, “Great, just what we need in this country, another foreigner who pees wherever he wants.”:

15. Some East African countries no longer want foreign secondhand clothing because they’re trying to manufacture their own clothing. But what those Africans really want is to meet the back-to-back-to-back-to-back Superbowl-winning Buffalo Bills teams of the early 90s.

16. A company has begun selling condoms in 60-custom-fit sizes in response to men who say they don’t like wearing prophylactics because they don’t fit properly. Said those same men to their girlfriends, “Did I also mention I’m allergic to latex?”

17. Forbes magazine, which annually ranks the world’s richest people, said they have a ‘Trump rule’ where they take whatever Trump says he’s worth and divide it by three. Completely disregarding two-thirds is an idea the magazine said they got from Trump himself:

18. Authorities say man in Minnesota lived in a house with the decomposing bodies of his mother and twin brother for over a year. But, on the plus-side ladies he’s a homeowner now.

19. White House officials believe Chief of Staff John Kelly’s personal cellphone was hacked. Even crazier, Trump’s wasn’t:

20. Grammy-winning rapper Nelly was arrested near Seattle early on Saturday after a woman accused him of sexually assaulting her on a tour bus. But we shouldn’t rush to judgment, maybe it was just locker room talk:

January 5, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A new program at a prison in Italy is attempting to turn inmates into sommeliers by teaching them the finer points of wine tasting. Said one such prisoner, “I’m getting hints of chocolate and oak, I’m guessing this one was brewed in Snake’s toilet?”

2. A surgeon in Japan is being accused of licking the left breast of his patient following a procedure on her right breast. The doctor said he felt compelled to do so after someone accused him of being an HMO.

3. A picture from the U.K. has gone viral that appears to show a horse trying to get on one of London’s iconic red double-decker buses. “We’ve seen something like before,” said unimpressed New Yorkers:
bus

4. A Catholic priest in Italy is under investigation for allegedly organizing orgies in his church’s rectory and acting as a pimp for up to 15 women. Authorities became suspicious when the priest’s typical response to “Forgive me Father for I have sinned” was “That ain’t nothing.”

5. Former “Dancing with the Stars” cast members Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Peta Murgatroyd welcomed a baby boy early Wednesday morning named Shai Aleksander Chmerkovskiy. Although it wasn’t all happy news, unfortunately the guy tasked with filling out the birth certificate died of exhaustion.

6. A new study found that people who live near busy roads with heavy traffic face a higher risk of developing dementia than those living further away. Thus confirming my suspicion that Gary Busey has been living under a bridge for years.

7. Comedian Rob Schneider is putting together a plan to buy the San Francisco 49ers. Although I don’t know if calling Adam Sandler can be considered ‘a plan.’

8. German trauma surgeons advised the public on Wednesday to walk like penguins to avoid slipping on pavements with freezing temperatures forecast nationwide over the next few days. Hopefully it will end better than when German citizens were asked to goose step.

9. A mother in the U.K. was charged $39.35 by a hospital to hold her newborn baby. “So, can anyone get in on that deal?” asked Jerry Sandusky.

10. A French man named Robert Marchand made cycling history on Wednesday by covering 14 miles in one hour at the age of 105. Shattering all preconceived notions of just how boring bike racing can be.

December 14, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to the Committee to Protect Journalist, 257 journalist have been jailed around the world over the past year. Or, as we will refer to that number once Trump takes office, the good ole days.

2. According to the Committee to Protect Journalist, 257 journalist have been jailed around the world over the past year. And, yet, somehow, Geraldo still roams free.

3. A charity website is auctioning off a coffee date with Ivanka Trump. “You had me at date and lost me at charity,” said Donald.

4. The NFL announced on Tuesday that the 0-13 Cleveland Browns will play a home game in London next year. Which I assume is punishment for them sending Piers Morgan over here.

5. Yesterday, rapper Kanye West, who was recently released from a hospital after undergoing a psychiatric evaluation, met with President-elect Donald Trump. That story again, a man who may have serious mental problems met with Kanye West yesterday.

6. On Tuesday, President-elect Donald Trump had a fifteen minute meeting with rapper Kanye West in New York. Unfortunately, it took Trump twenty minutes to realize Kanye wasn’t Ben Carson.

7. A new restaurant has opened in the Kurdistan region of Iraq called “Trump’s Fish” that uses an unauthorized logo of the new President-elect. Which means, twenty years from now, the correct answer to a junior high school history exam question of “Why did the U.S. declare war on Kurdistan?” will be “a fish restaurant.”

8. Yesterday, Microsoft founder Bill Gates met with President-elect Donald Trump in his midtown Manhattan office. Trump said he was happy Gates found the time to meet with him, unlike Apple founder Steve Jobs who keeps no showing all their scheduled meetings.

9. Police in India have arrested 12 moviegoers accused of failing to stand during the playing of the national anthem, which is now required in all of the country’s theaters. That’s harsh, in America, if you pull a stunt like that we just force you to play quarterback for the 49ers.

10. Major League Baseball has banned the practice of ballplayers hazing rookies by making them dress up as women. So now, if a player says he’s a “switch-hitter” there won’t be any confusion.

October 18, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump pledged that the United States and India would be “best friends” if he is elected. “You can’t have two best friends!” shouted a very upset Chris Christie.

2. Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence said on Sunday that evidence implicated Russia in recent email hacks, contradicting his running mate, Donald Trump, who has cast doubt on Russia’s involvement. This was not the first time Pence and Trump have disagreed on an issue, just last week Pence revealed that he prefers to grab his wife by the hand.
 
3. According to reports, Donald Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, informally approached an investment bank about setting up a Trump TV network after the presidential election. Trump TV already has some shows in the works including, “Locker Room Talk with Billy Bush,” “Make America Grate Again with Paula Deen,” and for some reason “Saturday Night Live.”

4. San Francisco 49er Colin Kaepernick was booed by Bills fans on Sunday as he continued his national anthem protest ahead of his game in Buffalo. Although the joke was on Bills fans because, once the game was over, Kaepernick got to leave Buffalo.

5. Over the weekend, scores of cat enthusiasts painted their faces and dressed up in elaborate and colorful feline costumes to celebrate Japan’s annual ghost cat festival. The saddest part of the festival is that participants will now have to wait a full year until they have human interaction again.
 
6. Anti-secrecy group WikiLeaks said on Monday that its founder Julian Assange’s internet was shut down by the government of Ecuador. Or, more likely, Assange has Time Warner.

7. On Monday, the man convicted of shooting at George Zimmerman in a road rage incident was sentenced to 20 years in prison for attempted murder. Although he will be let off on good behavior if he can somehow follow through on that attempt.
 
8. In a recent interview, Melania Trump said her husband was “egged on” in the 2005 tape in which he made lewd comments about his own sexually aggressive behavior toward women. So we should be fine with a President Trump just as long as no foreign leaders are as cunning a manipulator as Billy Bush.

9. Yesterday was the U.N.’s International Day for the Eradication of Poverty. And, granted, I’m no poverty expert, but I feel like it might take more than a day.

10. Russian President Vladimir Putin said on Sunday, Russia does not seek confrontation with the United States and is not trying to influence the upcoming presidential election. Adding, “Especially now that comrade Bernie is no longer running.”

October 11, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Today is the United Nation’s International Day of the Girl Child. Or, as it’s referred to in China, Tuesday.

2. This week marks the 90th anniversary of the first publication of the iconic Winnie the Pooh books. Eeyore celebrated like he always does, by downing fifth of whiskey and a handful of pills.
 
3. In a recent interview, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said San Francisco back-up quarterback Colin Kaepernick’s decision to kneel during the national anthem was one of the dumber things she’s ever seen on a football field. Then she watched the 49ers play the game and said, “I stand corrected.”

4. Verizon may shift marketing away from Samsung’s troubled Galaxy Note 7 mobile phone heading into the holiday selling season. Although, with phones exploding in men’s pockets, the “chestnuts roasting on an open fire” tagline kinda writes itself.
 
5. According to a new study, if the previous occupant of a hospital bed received antibiotics, the next patient who uses that bed may be at higher risk for a severe form of infectious diarrhea. A similar study was conducted at every Days Inn ever.
 
6. British actress Emma Watson condemned child marriage during a visit to Malawi on Monday. Thus ending her chance of ever starring in a Woody Allen movie.

7. The TSA would start securing trains, buses and ferries under a new bill introduced in the Senate this week. Because there’s nothing I want to do more than take my shoes off inside the Port Authority.

8. Holly, one of Queen Elizabeth’s two remaining corgi dogs died on Monday at the age of thirteen. Which can only mean one thing, Holly ate the meat pie Prince Charles prepared for the Queen.

9. According to reports, Iran has blocked access to over 700 dating sites. Forcing residents to get their 99 virgins the old fashioned way.

10. Over the weekend, Paapa Essiedu, the first black actor to play Hamlet for the Royal Shakespeare Company, won best performance at the UK Theatre Awards. The play is exactly like the original except, after Hamlet poses his famous question, a Charlotte police officer answers with “not to be.”

November 11, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The New York state attorney general on Tuesday ordered the fantasy sports sites DraftKings and FanDuel to stop accepting bets in New York, saying that the operations were essentially illegal gambling. So now you’re best bet to lose money on sports in New York is to own the Knicks.

2. It was revealed this week that Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson owns a painting of himself and Jesus that hangs in his home. “Big deal, I got a photograph of me with the devil,” said Dick Cheney.

3. It was revealed this week that Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson owns a painting of himself and Jesus that hangs in his home. Those who have seen the painting call it a conversation piece, a conversation that goes something like “How the hell is this guy leading in the polls?”

4. Seattle’s “gum wall,” on which tourists and locals visiting Pike Place Market have mashed more than 1 million pieces of old chewing gum, began getting a deep clean on Tuesday for the first time in 20 years. Four out of five dentists agreed that it was fucking disgusting.

5. Rapper Snoop Dogg has come out with his own line of marijuana called Leafs by Snoop. The slogan for his product is “Weed so good you’ll forget about Dre.”

6. 1. A top Ben Carson aide says Donald Trump “should be nervous and actually, desperate” over the retired brain surgeon’s rise in the Republican presidential field. I think I speak for everyone when I say we’re all nervous about it.

7. After suffering a possible career-ending injury by slipping on concrete on the sideline of the St. Louis Rams’ stadium last weekend, San Francisco running back Reggie Bush is reportedly suing the City of St. Louis. “Wait, you can sue a city,” said residents of Detroit.

8. A toilet themed cafe has opened in Moscow. Or, as it is known in the U.S., Taco Bell.

9. In a recent interview Pope Francis revealed that as a little boy he wanted to become a butcher. Which is ironic because the Pope’s older, much less popular brother Jeb always wanted to be Pope.

10. According to airline experts, around 25 million passengers are expected to fly home for Thanksgiving. What they don’t tell you is that 35 million people have booked tickets.

January 5, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The U.S.-led coalition in Afghanistan formally ended its combat mission last week, more than 13 years after an international coalition ousted the Taliban government. Said former President George W. Bush, “Now, where’d I put that ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner?”

2. Over the holidays, a couple was forced to move their wedding ceremony from a golf course in Hawaii because President Obama wanted to play a round of golf on their wedding day. It was a same-sex marriage, so Republicans don’t know how to feel about the whole thing.

3. According to a Washington Post report, the number three Republican in the House of Representatives, Steve Scalise of Louisiana, gave a speech at a conference of white nationals in 2002. Said Scalise, “How’d you know it was me? I had my hood on.”

4. Potential Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush has resigned from all of his corporate and non-profit board member positions as the former Florida governor explores a run for the White House. “If the American people are interested in having a president who likes resigning from things …” said Sarah Palin.

5. Last week, Jim Harbaugh became the head coach of the University of Michigan, just days after parting ways with the San Francisco 49ers, declaring that his new position was not a step backwards. Because nothing says promotion like moving from California to Michigan in the middle of January.

6. After a lop-sided 59-20 loss to Oregon, Florida State’s Heisman winning quarterback Jameis Winston said “It hurts badder than anything you can imagine. Losing is not a word in my vocabulary.” And, apparently, neither is the word “worse.”

7. While singing her smash hit “Let It Go” on Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, Idina Menzel stumbled over a line on live television. “See, I told you, TV makes you nervous and it’s easy to make a mistake” said John Travolta.

8. George P. Bush, son of Jeb Bush, was sworn in on Friday as Texas land commissioner. And, as his first act as Texas land commissioner, Bush invaded Iraq.

9. Last week, the inaugural College Football Playoff drew more than 28 million television viewers. The number is actually higher if you count the Florida State football team as spectators as well.

10. After suffering his fifth concussion in the span of 14 months, West Virginia University quarterback Clint Trickett announced his retirement from football. Luckily, after suffering five serious head injuries, Trickett will fit in nicely with the general population of West Virginia.

March 31, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A café where patrons can stroke a cat while sipping their latte has opened on the fringe of London’s financial district. Stressed-out workers see it as a way to unwind after a long day’s work, while single women in their late thirties see it as practice.

2. According to a new study, switching over to daylight saving time, and losing one hour, raised the risk of having a heart attack the following Monday by 25 percent. “What’s 25 percent more than 100 percent?” said Dick Cheney.

3. A man suspected of murder was arrested in Nicaragua one day after moving onto the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted List. “Dammit,” said number eleven.

4. According to a new study, adults hospitalized with mild head injuries have almost double the risk of dying in the following fifteen years compared to similar people with no history of head injury. Counterpoint: Gary Busey.

5. San Francisco 49ers cornerback Chris Culliver was arrested in California on Friday on felony hit-and-run and weapons charges. It may still be the offseason, but it looks like Culliver is already in midseason form.

6. France’s trade minister had to apologize on Friday after she was caught on tape saying that food served at a state dinner for Chinese President Xi Jinping was “disgusting.” But, in her defense, she is French.

7. A 1936 Nobel Peace Prize medal, only the second such medal to be sold at auction, has fetched $1.1 million in a sale to a private Asian collector on Friday. Proving wrong all those who said Kim Jong-Un would never get a Nobel Peace Prize.

8. Secretary of State John Kerry met with Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov on Sunday to discuss the crisis in Ukraine. Or, more accurately, Kerry talked and Lavrov tried his best to stay awake.

9. Residents of southern California were rattled by a 4.1 magnitude earthquake Saturday afternoon, the largest of more than 100 aftershocks following Friday’s 5.1 shaker. I know geologist are saying that these smaller quakes are aftershocks, but I’m not ruling out them being the Devil trying to send Fred Phelps back.

10. Today is Opening Day for Major League Baseball and somehow the Mets are already 32 games back and mathematically eliminated.

October 28, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Former Florida Governor Charlie Crist launched a campaign-style video and website on Friday that threw open the door to a likely run for his old job in 2014. While Crist has the necessary experience to be Florida’s next governor, he is over-qualified for a run at the Presidency in 2016 since his new website actually works.

2. The San Francisco 49ers won a fifth straight game on Sunday, crushing the winless Jacksonville Jaguars 42-10 at London’s Wembley Stadium. The outcome is no surprise considering when the Jaguars were going through customs at Heathrow, when asked if they were in town for “business” or “pleasure,” the players answered “neither.”

3. The San Francisco 49ers won a fifth straight game on Sunday, crushing the winless Jacksonville Jaguars 42-10 at London’s Wembley Stadium. Not since Vanilla Ice embarked on a world tour, has someone traveled such a great distance for the opportunity to suck in front of a whole new crowd.

4. Rapper Chris Brown was arrested and charged with assault in Washington early Sunday morning after getting into a fight with a man outside a hotel. But, on the plus side, at least he’s punching guys now, that’s called progress.

5. Rapper Chris Brown was arrested and charged with assault in Washington early Sunday morning after getting into a fight with a man outside a hotel. “I thought I was special!” said Rihanna.

6. American artist Duke Riley is set to open an exhibit in New York City this week which documents his experience training pigeons to smuggle Cuban cigars out of Havana and into the U.S. So if you thought that cigar tasted like bird shit, you were right.

7. Actor Orlando Bloom and model Miranda Kerr are back on the market after the couple announced the end of their three-year marriage. Which may explain that long, slow once-over your girlfriend gave you this morning.

8. After serving two years in prison for causing the death of Michael Jackson, Dr. Conrad Murray is set to be freed from jail today. Can someone make sure he still has LaToya’s number?

9. Oversleeping due to a turkey dinner and false teeth flying out the car window were just two of the imaginative excuses employees gave bosses when calling in sick last year, according to a study released by job website CareerBuilder. Proving that American workers are willing to put in a hard day of work at the workplace as long as that work involves them not having to show up at their workplace.

10. On Sunday, Miguel Cabrera of the Detroit Tigers and Paul Goldschmidt of the Arizona Diamondbacks were selected as the winners of the Hank Aaron Award, given to the most outstanding offensive players of the year. While, for the fifth year in a row, New York Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez won the Barry Bonds Award, given to the most offensive player of the year.