April 27, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Street artist Banksy revealed his latest work, a picture that he painted on the wall of his bathroom while under coronavirus quarantine. While my roommate revealed more of a Jackson Pollack in our shared bathroom.

2. An Iowa woman is sewing masks and hanging them on a ‘giving tree’ for anyone to take. In response, President Trump issued an executive order calling for us to plant more mask trees. 

3. Nicaragua’s president hasn’t been seen in public in over a month. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t a good idea to elect Shelly Miscavige as president of Nicaragua.

4. Convicted felon and preacher Jim Bakker recently said that his ministry will be “totally financially broke” within weeks if they don’t receive an influx of donations. Ironically, Bakker being in financial ruins is proof to me that there is a God.

5. Due to the coronavirus, many brides-to-be are now having virtual bachelorette parties. Which oddly means that the stripper is the only person wearing pants at the beginning of the Zoom call. 

6. Newly drafted New England Patriots rookie kicker Justin Rohrwasser has a tattoo on his left arm that resembles the logo of “The Three Percenters,” a right-wing militia group. Luckily drafting a player with troublesome tattoos has never burnt the Patriots before:

7. Peyton Manning, the number one overall pick by Indianapolis in the 1998 NFL Draft, said Sunday that he gave some advice to this year’s number one pick, quarterback Joe Burrow. That advice, be careful of the friends you surround yourself with:

8. Hall of Fame basketball player Michael Jordan will reportedly donate all proceeds he earns from his ‘Last Dance’ documentary to charity. That charity, the Las Vegas Wynn Resort and Casino.

9. According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is brain dead after slipping into a coma during heart surgery. But, on the plus side, he’s still doing better than the doctor who operated on him:

10. President Trump said Tuesday he doesn’t know whether North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un is ill but nevertheless wished him luck. That story again, man with unknown illness wishes Kim Jong Un well.

11. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And also partially due to the fact that Gorsuch stopped showering months ago:

12. A village in Indonesia is using volunteers dressed as ghosts to scare people into social distancing. “Yeah … that’s why I’m dressed like this,“ said Stephen Miller:

13. New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said he had a “productive” meeting with President Trump Tuesday at the White House. Adding, “Trump almost solved all of Blue’s clues.”

14. Deaf Americans are urging the White House to use sign language interpreters at coronavirus briefings. Said non-deaf Americans, “Trust me, you don’t want that.”

15. Workers in the port of Antwerp will begin testing wristbands developed that may help guarantee the social distancing required during the COVID-19 pandemic. Although there are much cheaper fashion assessors that will ensure people stay at least six feet away from you:

16. Isolation at home inspired one California family to build an elaborate two-story Rube Goldberg machine. The last time something completely useless took up two stories was everyday for the past three years:

17. The engineers at NASA have developed a ventilator prototype tailored to help coronavirus patients. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, thanks, but we’re drinking bleach now, so we’re all good. 

18. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Wednesday called the decision for President Donald Trump’s name to appear on stimulus checks amid the coronavirus pandemic “shameful.” She thinks that’s bad, wait til she finds out where he put his name:

19. The Supreme Court said on Monday that for the first time it will hear cases argued by teleconference rather than in the courtroom due to the coronavirus. And Kavanaugh already has his Zoom background picked out:

20. President Trump recently said his decision to reopen the country will be the “toughest decision that he will ever make. Replacing his previous touches decision, original recipe or extra crispy:

21. Last week, actor Tom Hanks sent a letter and a typewriter to an Australian boy who wrote to him about being bullied over his name, Corona. Said the boy, “Thanks Mr. Hanks, it worked. They no longer tease me about my name, now they make fun of me for owning a fucking typewriter in 2020.”

22. It is being reported that actor Tom Hanks is donating his plasma in an effort to find a cure to the coronavirus. Not to be outdone, Hank’s ‘Bosom Buddies’ co-star Peter Scolari is donating his plasma for about twenty bucks.

23. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Which means he’s just one poorly-tailored suit away from being President: 

24. A man in Ohio was seen protesting stay-at-home orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Although if you can’t trust your bowels to make it through one protest, maybe you should be staying at home.

25. English soccer player Kyle Walker recently apologized for having a prostitute sex party amid the coronavirus lockdown. “Ew, that’s gross,” said Charlie Sheen of soccer. 

June 1, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, a in bar Portland, Oregon held a “Reparations Happy Hour,” in which people of color had drinks and white people picked up the tab. That crazy story again, there are black people in Portland, Oregon.

2. According to reports, a Russian oligarch with links to the Kremlin met Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen at Trump Tower in New York City less than two weeks before Trump’s inauguration as president. Which means we are a few weeks away from Trump saying he’s never even heard of Trump Tower.

3. Republican Representative Diane Black of Tennessee recently cited pornography as a contributing factor to gun violence in schools. Begging the question, what kind of porn is Republican Representative Diane Back of Tennessee watching?

4. AT&T and Verizon announced this week they will start selling a holographic smartphone that will feature a ‘holographic’ display, that projects 3D images. And you thought the eggplant emoji made you uncomfortable before.

5. In a recent interview, President Trump said that NFL players who kneel during the anthem shouldn’t be playing. Also, some that stand:

6. On Tuesday, Utah Senate candidate Mitt Romney said he would not point to President Trump as a role model for his grandchildren. Said Romney, “There’s not much they can learn from Trump, they already throw tantrums and have tiny little hands.”

7. Netflix announced that Jennifer Aniston will portray the first female, and first gay, U.S. president in a comedy film for the streaming service. “Now that’s a woman president I can get behind!” said Bill Clinton.

8. President Trump and his press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders insisted on Wednesday that they were owed an apology from ABC for airing derogatory comments about the administration. “Get in line,” said everyone who saw an episode of “Cavemen”:

9. On Tuesday night, Roseanne Barr blamed the sleep drug Ambien for her recent racist tweets. Said President Trump, “I get blaming a drug when you make a mistake, I wrote a very stern letter to Viagra after the birth of Eric.”

10. On Tuesday night, Roseanne Barr blamed the sleep drug Ambien for her recent racist tweets. It’s easy to confuse racist for tired, look at all these sleepy people in their pajamas ready for bed:

11. On Wednesday, Trump publicly touted the importance of physical fitness during a Sports and Fitness Day event on the White House South Lawn. Unfortunately Trump only got threw two minutes of his prepared remarks before he became too winded by standing and talking at the same time to finish.

12. According to ‘Bloomberg,’ Billionaire Warren Buffett had proposed to invest $3 billion in Uber earlier this year, but the talks failed. Uber kept telling Buffett they were three minutes away from a deal, but they kept saying they were only three minutes away for over an hour.

13. On Wednesday, Kim Kardashian went to the White House and met with senior advisor to the president, Jared Kushner. “What’s it like to have a job where you don’t do anything?” said both of them to each other.

14. Delaware will begin offering Las Vegas-style sports betting at its three casinos on Tuesday, becoming the first state to open for business since the recent Supreme Court ruling. And I bet a lot of degenerate gamblers live in Delaware because they’re notoriously bad at making decisions.

August 4, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, White House aide Stephen Miller argued that the inscription on the Statue of Liberty does not matter because it was added at a later date. You know, like Tiffany.

2. According to a recently released transcript of a phone call with Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbill, President Trump used the phrase “local milk people.” And, I’m not 100% sure Trump wasn’t trying to say “cows.”

3. Yesterday, the Kennedy Center Honors announced their 2017 inductees, which included TV producer Norman Lear. And, as a tribute to Lear’s most iconic character, Archie Bucker, President Trump will appear on stage as himself.

4. According to a recently released transcript of a phone call with Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto, President Trump referred to himself as, “the world’s greatest person who does not want to let people into the country.” Which isn’t that impressive when you think about his competition for that title:

5. New Jersey police are searching for a man who was allegedly pleasuring himself during a recent screening of ‘The Emoji Movie.’ Here is a police sketch of the suspect:

6. A viral video shows employees in China being forced to drink toilet water due to lackluster performances at work. Or maybe they work at the Mountain Dew factory and they’re just trying to come up with new flavors.

7. Today, President Trump will begin an extended 17-day vacation at his golf club in New Jersey. Because nothing makes you want to get back to work more than spending 17 days in New Jersey.

8. A day into her role as New Zealand’s opposition leader, Jacinda Ardern was twice asked about her plans for having babies. But that’s gonna happen when you give your Jewish mother press credentials:

9. Singer Gwen Stefani is reportedly working on a Christmas album with her boyfriend Blake Shelton. Yet another example of someone trying to put the coal industry out of business.

10. The TV show ‘Extra’ is replacing co-host Tracey Edmonds with Renee Bargh. Begging the question, are those real people or did I just make up those names? There’s really no way of knowing.

11. A teen in Louisiana got a hammer stuck in her mouth on a dare. Or, at least, that’s what MC Hammer told his wife when she walked in on them.

12. According to reports, ousted communications director Anthony Scaramucci is listed as dead in the Harvard Law School Alumni Directory. Say what you will about Trump, but when he handles a problem, he handles a problem.

13. Representative John Delaney became the first Democrat to formally enter the 2020 presidential campaign, challenging President Trump more than 1,100 days ahead of the election. That might seem like a very early announcement, but, if I know one thing about John Delaney, I would be shocked that I knew one thing about John Delaney.

14. Jacksonville Jaguars quarterback Blake Bortles turned in one of the worst practices of his career by throwing five interceptions. “I know they were to the opposing team,” said Jets quarterbacks, “but what’s it like to throw a completion?”

15. An image has gone viral showing an employee of Europe’s budget airline EasyJet punching a passenger in the face while he was holding a baby. Said a United employee, “Dude, you completely missed the baby.”

16. A Connecticut man has been sentenced to 120 days in jail after police say he cut his pet fish in half. Also, now I’m suspicious about his claim that he also has siamese cats.

17. Due to an unforeseen increase in demand, the University of California had to rescind acceptance letters for nearly 500 students. “But, you kept their tuition checks, right?” said Trump University.

18. A 59-year old woman from central China transformed her appearance through plastic surgery in order to avoid $3.71 million of personal debts. Begging the question, exactly how much money does Renee Zellwegger owe?:

April 25, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump is scheduled to have dinner with all the Supreme Court Justices on Thursday. It’ll mark the first time that all of President Trump’s dinner guests wore robes since Steve Bannon’s family came over for game night:

2. While speaking to astronaut Peggy Whitson yesterday, who is currently aboard the International Space Station, President Trump said “Better you than me,” when Whitson said she purifies her own urine to drink. So, I’m guessing the part that Trump objected to was the purifying part.

3. Despite saying “I love Wikileaks” while campaigning, in a new interview, President Trump said he doesn’t support the website. And, in Trump’s defense support and love are two very different things, for instance, he supports Eric and Don Jr.

4. A new study found that 90% of baby changing tables in public restrooms tested positive for cocaine. Which, I’m pretty sure, is the plot of ‘Boss Baby’:

5. Former Fox News host Bill O’Reilly launched a podcast on Monday. And it has already lost a sponsor, Blue Apron has pulled its commercials after O’Reilly tried to look down her apron.

6. Yesterday, President Trump announced his plan to send a man to Mars during his presidency. While, Scott Pruitt, the head of the EPA, announced his plans to send us all to Mars during Trump’s presidency.

7. While en route to Australia last week, Vice President Mike Pence forced everyone onboard Air Force 2 to watch “Hoosiers” which he called “the greatest basketball movie ever made.” “Yet another thing we disagree on,” said the plane’s previous tenant:

8. A new study found that blood from human infants appeared to improve learning and memory in older mice. And you thought these pictures were creepy before:

9. Vice President Mike Pence has cut short the final leg of his Asia trip to return to Washington ahead of a potential government shutdown. But, don’t worry, before Pence as able to end his trip prematurely, he was forced to look at an ultrasound of his remaining stops.

10. A seven-year-old boy in China miraculously survived a ten-storey fall from a building after using an umbrella as a ‘parachute.’ Upon landing, the boy was immediately served with a lawsuit by lawyers for Mary Poppins.

February 14, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, Playboy said its 2015 decision to stop publishing photos of naked women “was a mistake” and will reintroduce nudity in its next issue. Said the Playboy CEO, “Turns out you assholes were all lying about reading the articles.”

2. A refugee team that competed at the 2016 Rio Olympics was named on Monday as winner of a Laureus Award for sporting inspiration. Although, if you’re inspired by a team of athletes who are no longer welcomed to return home, may I suggest the Atlanta Falcons.

3. Scientists have observed dolphins in Australia using blowfish to get high. Although, technically, that’s Hootie:

hootie

4. Yesterday, Nick Cannon announced that he is leaving NBC’s “America’s Got Talent.” Thus marking the last time you’ll ever hear the words ‘Nick Cannon’ and ‘talent’ in the same sentence.

5. The Islamabad High Court in Pakistan’s capital issued an order Monday that banned Valentine’s Day across the country. Now comes the hard part for the panel of three males judges, figuring out when Valentine’s Day is.

6. Just in time for Valentine’s Day, a new app allows you to hear your significant other’s heartbeat under your pillow. That story again, just buy her some flowers instead, you fucking weirdo.

7. In a recent interview, President Trump said he’s pretty sure Barack Obama likes him. Since Trump is so obsessed with voter fraud, he may want to get a recount of that vote too.

8. Frank Ancona, the imperial wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, was found dead on Saturday. These type of things tend to happen in threes, so watch out Jeff Sessions and Steven Bannon.

9. Illinois lawmakers are encouraging the state to be undead-ready by passing a resolution declaring October to be “Zombie Preparedness Month.” And it’s no coincident that November will be “Find New Lawmakers Month.”

10. The oldest living person in America, Adele Dunlap of New Jersey, died on Sunday at the age of 114. She’s in a much better place now, mainly not New Jersey.

February 6, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last night the New England Patriots took on the Atlanta Falcons in Superbowl 51. And, somehow, the winner was still ‘La La Land.’

2. Sunday night, the Atlanta Falcons blew a 25-point lead to lose Superbowl 51. It was such a big collapse that experts are sure that James Comey was somehow involved.

3. Nissan is recalling more than 341,000 Altimas because the doors might open if a rear window is lowered. Although, if you think about it, do you really need a reason to recall Altimas?

4. A man who went on a Tinder date ended up alone nude and robbed at an Oregon motel after the woman took his clothing, wallet and cellphone. Even worse, she didn’t look anything like her pictures.

5. According to a new survey, Americans are increasingly less open to the possibility of their children marrying someone from the opposite political party. But I defy even the stanchest liberal woman to try to turn down the pure sex appeal that is Mitch McConnell:
mcconnell

6. After a two week Caribbean vacation, Barack Obama is back in Washington D.C. Or, as Trump sees it, the Muslim travel ban is not working.

7. The Mexican government reported on Friday that homicides in its country had risen by 22% in 2016. So, I guess they aren’t sending ALL of their murderers here.

8. Saturday night, LeBron James became the youngest player in NBA history to score 28,000 points in a career. Although, not according to his hairline.

9. In recent days, a rash of Ku Klux Klan fliers have been showing up on lawns in Maine. Which is weird because I always figured KKK members looked at Maine and thought, “Mission accomplished.”

10. “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” star Sugar Bear confirmed last week that he wed girlfriend Jennifer Lamb in a secret Georgia backyard ceremony. So congratulations to the happy couple on their marriage and, I assume, their pregnancy.

January 11, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Leading women from politics, the arts and other fields urged President-elect Donald Trump on Monday to support a new national women’s museum in Washington. Said Trump, “I don’t understand, D.C. already has a Hooters.”

2. DNA traces found on plastic bands used to tie the wrists of Kim Kardashian helped French police arrest 17 suspects in connection with the October gunpoint robbery of the reality tv star in Paris. It’s not the first, nor will it be the last, time that Kim was wiped down for someone else’s DNA.

3. A man is claiming that his struggle with sleep apnea caused him to grope a woman’s breasts on a flight. “You got it all wrong, they’re the ones supposed to be asleep,” said Cosby.

4. A librarian in Orlando is in trouble after he created a library card for a fake person named ‘Chuck Finley’ who checked out 2,361 books over the span of nine months to keep those titles in circulation and on the shelves. Authorities became suspicious when some in Florida checked out a book.

5. A woman at a hospital in Detroit last week wore an electronic Chewbacca mask while giving birth. Said the gynecologist, “Even worse, the carpet matched the curtains.”

6. During his farewell speech last night, President Obama said, “the Constitution is just a piece of parchment, it has no power on its own.” “Good to know,” said Donald Trump while looking for a pair of scissors.

7. According to a new, unverified report, Russia has been blackmailing Donald Trump with embarrassing personal information for years, including a claim that during a trip to Russia, Trump hired prostitutes to urinate on him. But at least conservatives now know that he is a fan of ‘trickle-down economics.’

8. Federal wildlife officials called climate change the biggest threat to polar bears, warning that without decisive action, they will almost certainly disappear. And, if not that, they will succumb to their second biggest threat, diabetes:
polar-bears

9. During his confirmation hearing on Tuesday, Donald Trump’s nominee for Attorney General, Jeff Sessions, condemned the Ku Klux Klan. Although it was unnerving that he referred to them as “the fellas.”

10. An L.A.-based artist has spent the last nine years using Fedex to ship glass boxes so that they break and he can display them as shattered sculpture art. As a result, Delta has renamed all its baggage handler, baggage artists.

December 9, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, actor Leonardo DiCaprio met with President-elect Trump to talk about climate issues. That story again, the Great Gatsby met with the Overweight Gatsby

2. According to reports, President-elect Donald Trump is considering formally turning over the operational responsibility for his businesses to his two adult sons, Don Jr. and Eric, but he intends to keep a stake in the business. Although, it’s probably best not to use the word ‘stake’ around Eric:

3. A 1,100 pound Egyptian woman, who was homebound for decades, is set to fly to Mumbai for weight-loss surgery. That story again, a 1,100 pound Egyptian woman is set to fly to Mumbai in an attempt to get free peanuts.

4. A 1,100 pound woman is set to fly from Egypt to Mumbai for weight-loss surgery. Although, ‘fly from Egypt to Mumbai’ seems ambitious, how about ‘struggle to get off the ground from Egypt to Mumbai.’

5. An Indian doctor is set to perform a weight loss surgery on a 1,100 pound Egyptian woman. Because it’s never too early to get ready for bikini season.

6. This week, recent Penn graduate Tiffany Trump was seen touring Harvard Law School. Tiffany is considering becoming a lawyer because she wasn’t hated enough just being a Trump.

7. This week, Pope Francis said, “media that focus on scandals and spread fake news to smear politicians risk becoming like people who have a morbid fascination with excrement,” Begging the question, who has the Pope been hanging out with?
 
8. Yesterday, astronaut, former-Senator and national hero John Glenn died at the age of 95. I take solace in the fact that he’s in a better place now, specifically, not the US.

9. Pope Francis prayed for the unemployed on Thursday at a statue of the Madonna in Rome. Specifically praying that his son will get a job so he can finally move out of the Vatican’s basement.

10. On Wednesday, a 42-year-old South African began his quest to be the first person to cross the Atlantic Ocean via stand-up paddleboard. Which I assume will eventually become a sit-down paddleboard, a lie-down paddleboard and “hey look, there’s a free empty paddle board.”

11. A sexually frustrated Indian man chopped off his penis after his wife refused to have sex with him for ten years. Man, that guy’s gonna be pretty pissed off when he finds out about divorce.

12. A Doctor in the U.K. is accused of swallowing a patient’s semen during an examination and telling him to “take it as a sign of appreciation.” Yet another reason why my wife will never be a doctor.

13. In an interview on Wednesday, President-elect Donald Trump said he has done nothing to divide the country. Then added, “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to continue my victory tour where I only visit the states that voted for me.”

14. After President-elect Donald Trump specifically attacked him on Twitter Wednesday night, local Steelworkers Union leader Chuck Jones said he received death threats, but added, “I can deal with people that make stupid statements and move on.” A sentiment which means he’s too mature to be President.

15. Two Ku Klux Klan leaders were charged in the stabbing of a third Klan member before a parade in North Carolina celebrating Donald Trump’s victory. Said Klan members, “How do you celebrate?”

November 4, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, U2 rocker Bono was the first man ever to be included in ‘Glamour’ magazine’s Women of the Year list. A distinction that still somehow would have made more sense if it went to Chastity Bono.
 
2. On Wednesday, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump encouraged all early voters in Wisconsin who cast their ballot for Hillary Clinton but now have ‘buyer’s remorse’ to change their vote for him. Because if anyone understands buyer’s remorse, it’s Donald Trump:
trump-weddings

3. During a campaign speech yesterday in Pennsylvania, Melania Trump said that, “given the opportunity, women will advance and achieve.” Except, of course, for one very specific woman:
hill

4. The Fox Business Network reported on Thursday that Donald Trump wants his campaign finance chairman, Steven Mnuchin, to be his Treasury secretary if he wins next week’s presidential election. He also wants his personal chauffer to be Secretary of Transportation and his gardener to be Secretary of Agriculture.
 
5. The Harvard men’s soccer team will be suspended for the rest of their season after a review found the team continued to produce vulgar and explicit documents that rated women on their perceived sexual appeal and physical appearance. They may not be able to play soccer, but it’s good to know they can still run for president.

6. It was announced this week that Miss Piggy will collaborate with designer Kate Spade on a line of handbags. So far the reviews have not been great:
statler

7. A man clad in a Cookie Monster costume was stabbed Saturday night in New York City’s Times Square when he intervened in a fight between two men. So, apparently, ‘C’ is for ‘cut a bitch.’

8. A Wyoming man who arranged to pay a prostitute with a McDonald’s quarter pounder and french fries was arrested when he showed up for the illicit encounter, food in hand, only to discover it was a police sting. But, in the man’s defense, no one expects to make a late-night trip to McDonalds and then have their night somehow get worse.
 
9. It was recently revealed that Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump authored a 2012 novel entitled ‘Trump Tower,’ which details the scandalous sex lives of the residents of the building. And, if you think that’s bad, you should see the cover:
trump-tower

10. This week, the world’s oldest woman, who is 117 years old, revealed that she eats two raw eggs every day. Of course she’s doing that to get in shape to fight Ivan Drago.
 
11. Yesterday, the Ku Klux Klan officially endorsed Donald Trump for president. Although, it seems like they could have done it in a better way:
burning

12. A British Airlines pilot has been suspended after pictures emerged that appear to be of him pleasuring himself while wearing women’s stockings at the controls of a plane. So, needless to say, the sequel to ‘Sully’ is gonna be really weird.

13. A Wyoming man who arranged to pay a prostitute with a McDonald’s Quarter Pounder and French fries was arrested when he showed up for the illicit encounter, food in hand, only to discover it was a police sting. Said the man, “Okay, how man Chicken McNuggets to get out of this one?”
 
14. During an interview last week, Donald Trump criticized his opponent Hillary Clinton for taking time off from campaigning to go to an Adele concert. Which is very hypocritical because, as everyone knows, Donald is part of Taylor Swift’s squad:
squad

15. During an interview on Friday, Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence said “sometimes I have to turn the TV on with a stick.” So, add ‘home electronics’ to the list of things about Mike Pence that are behind the times:
paper

16. During an interview on Friday, Republican vice presidential candidate Mike Pence referred to his running mate Donald Trump’s energy as “unique.” And God I hope that’s true, because it’s chilling to think there’s another person out there like him.

17. There are currently 75 pending lawsuits against Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. And there would be more, but you can’t sue on the basis of genetics:

18. Last week, a North Carolina woman, who bought a scratch-off ticket to teach her husband that buying lottery tickets is a waste of money, won $1 million. Said the husband, “I can’t wait to see how you’re gonna teach me that constantly asking for a threesome is a waste of my time.”

19. This week, a copy of the book “The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich” was returned to a New York library thirty-two years after it was checked out. Just in time for the rise of the Fourth Reich:
trump-salute

20. According to a new study, making sure kids have good muscle fitness might also benefit their school performance. Unless, of course, that school is Penn State.

November 2, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, the Ku Klux Klan officially endorsed Donald Trump for president. Presumably because they already have a Grand Wizard.

2. Yesterday, the Ku Klux Klan officially endorsed Donald Trump for president. Of course, they made the announcement with their hoods on because even they know to be ashamed of voting for Trump.

3. On Monday, Ohio Governor John Kasich said he wrote in the name John McCain instead of voting for the Republican nominee Donald Trump. He added that he would have voted for himself but he didn’t want to waste his vote.
 
4. Libertarian presidential nominee Gary Johnson says he thinks Hillary Clinton could face impeachment over the continued FBI investigation into her private email server if she is elected president. Although, it should be noted, that if Gary Johnson is elected president he could face impeachment over definite voter fraud.
 
5. According to a new study, the smell of pumpkin can cause sexual arousal in men. As a result, pumpkin patches have been forced to erect scare-mother-in-laws.

6. A new study has found that native English speakers are the world’s worst communicators. Apparently the study was conducted by talking to my wife and our therapist.

7. According to ‘the Hollywood Reporter,’ Disney is making a live-action version of ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.’ Which is weird, because I thought they already made that:
debates

8. According to a new study, smoking marijuana may improve the user’s ability to see at night. Which will come in handy once you forget where the light switch is.

9. A Ukrainian man has officially changed his name to iPhone 7. Not to be outdone, this guy changed his name to Samsung Galaxy Note 7:
fire

10. According to reports, no one has seen North Korea’s leader Kim Jong Un’s wife in over seven months. In response, President Obama called Jong Un “a ruthless dictator,” Secretary of State John Kerry called him “a man capable of anything,” and former president Bill Clinton called him “lucky.”