January 20, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Madame Tussauds waxwork museum in London announced last week that it had removed figures of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle from their royal exhibit. The last time a room full of royals cleared out that quickly the Queen ripped a mean one. 

2. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a candle that she claims smells like her vagina. And if you purchase that candle you can expect to hear a lot of questions like ‘Why did you buy this?’ and ‘How did this happen?’ and ‘Are you cooking fish?’ 

3. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. So, yeah, that’s not a spit bucket. 

4. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. Begging the question, who is my thirteen-year-old nephew training to fight? 

5. Five California mountain lions were seen together on home surveillance video this week. It’s the most disturbing grouping of large cats since:

6. A German Shepherd in North Carolina gave birth to a green puppy last week. “I know what you’re thinking,” said the family’s pet turtle. 

7. Chris Beart, the rapper who cut off his own penis before jumping off a two-story building in 2014, recently got married. Said the groomsman who disapproved of the marriage, “This is going to be the second worst decision you’ve ever made.”

8. A new study found no strong evidence linking baby powder to ovarian cancer. Great news for LeBron James’ ovaries:

9. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced last week that they will be “stepping back” from their role as royals, moving to America, and “will work to become financially independent.” That story again, Harry will be answering to a new King:

10. Last week, a Florida man pled guilty to a trafficking scheme in which live water monitor lizards were concealed inside electronic equipment and smuggled from the Philippines into the U.S. Which explains why my fax machine just ate my cat.

11. Police in Florida are seeking help locating a burglar who broke into a house and told the owners he was “there to suck toes.” That story again, Quentin Tarantino is apparently scouting filming locations in Florida.

12. Scientists recently conducted a study in which they put 3D glasses on cuttlefish and showed them film clips. The study found that if you put 3D glasses on cuttlefish for a long enough period you’ll lose your job as a scientist.

13. Last week, Georgia authorities say a man broke into a Taco Bell restaurant, prepared food, and took a nap inside. The man made a meal and took a nap or, as President Trump refers to it, a full workday.

14. According to a new study, older people who frequent art galleries and museums and attend the theater may live longer than those who don’t. “Strongly disagree?” said the ghost of Lincoln.

15. It was revealed this week that the New York Public Library’s most checked-out book of all time is the children’s book “The Snowy Day.” While the Library’s least checked-out book, “The Erotic Tales of Wilford Brimley.”

16. Monday night, the LSU Tigers beat the Clemson Tigers 42-25 to win the college football National Championship. It’s the first time a tiger beat itself since:

17. According to a new study, Mars is losing water quicker than expected. That story again, Mars is still more inhabitable than Flint, Michigan.

18. On Monday, the Cleveland Browns named Kevin Stefanski their new head coach because, I assume, he was the last one to say ‘Not it.’

19. A Florida woman was arrested this week for building a bomb in a Walmart from items she found in the store. So, just one item?:

20. Last week, a man asked a court to grant his motion for trial by combat so he can meet his ex-wife and her attorney “on the field of battle.” “Hey at least I asked the court ahead of time this time,” said O.J.

January 27, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, Ben Cohen, one half of Ben & Jerry’s, endorsed Bernie Sanders for president by unveiling a new ice cream flavor called “Bernie’s Yearning.” The new flavor will be made with whole milk because Bernie doesn’t like the 1%.

2. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld announced that he will be selling ten percent of his car collection at an upcoming auction. Michael Richards vowed to do the same until he was informed that it’s impossible to sell 1/10th of a 1997 Chevy Malibu.

3. According to a new study, zebras stripes are not used for camouflage. “Shhh, don’t tell them,” said lions.

4. In a recent interview, First Lady Michelle Obama said her husband Barack didn’t become serious about his education until his second year of college. Said former-President George W. Bush, “It’s pronounced ‘collage.’”

5. On Tuesday, Oprah Winfrey posted a message on Twitter saying she has already lost 26 pounds on Weight Watchers and looks forward to losing more unwanted, dead weight. “So, I should pack my bags?” said Stedman.

6. Yesterday, rapper B.o.B took to Twitter to insist that the world is flat. Proving that it’s not that difficult to rhyme words to a beat.

7. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush said he would like to appear in an episode of ‘Homeland.’ Bill Clinton panned the choice saying it proves he doesn’t have the decision-making ability it takes to be president since ‘Girls’ is still on the air.

8. According to the latest poll, Bernie Sanders is beating Hillary Clinton 47% to 46% in Iowa. Although, I’d be suspicious of those numbers since it means Martin O’Malley somehow has 7%.

9. University of Missouri quarterback Maty Mauk was suspended Monday as the school investigates a video of the QB allegedly snorting cocaine. Which explains why Mauk was always able to pull off a two-minute drill in well under a minute.

10. Authorities in California are looking for thieves who stole over 50 pounds of bull semen. And so is the bull, but for a very different reason.

January 7, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, Malaysia Airlines passengers flying to Europe from Kuala Lumpur were told that a temporary ban on checked luggage was in place due “unreasonably strong headwinds” limiting the airlines’ ability to safely carry baggage in cargo. Although, if Malaysia Airlines tells you it’s unsafe for your bags to fly, maybe you should sit this one out too.

2. Any Alabama Crimson Tide or Auburn Tigers fan who watched Tuesday night’s episode of Jeopardy were most likely astonished when a contestant confused the two bitter rivals when answering a question. Even more astonishing, the idea that an Alabama or Auburn fan would be watching Jeopardy.

3. Fifteen couples tied the knot in a mass wedding in the Chinese city of Harbin on Wednesday in freezing temperatures as the city hosted its International Ice and Snow Festival. The couples were able to be their own ‘something blue.’

4. A Spanish company has invented a speaker that is designed to be inserted into the vagina of a pregnant woman to stimulate her unborn baby. For example, if the mother wants her baby to be smart, she’ll play Bach, if she wants it to be relaxed, she’ll play Enya, and if she wants the baby to be born premature, she’ll play Kesha because, if that shit’s playing, that baby is gonna want outta there ASAP.

5. A recent study found that men with erectile dysfunction have a 70% percent increased risk for premature death. Because, apparently, dying from embarrassment is a real thing.

6. A new company is offering customers a chance to cut their hotel bills in half if they are willing to share their room with a stranger. Also being cut in half, those customers … in their sleep … by that stranger.

7. Estrella, a one-and-a-half-year-old mutt who was born without her two front legs, has gained celebrity status in the small Peruvian town of Tinga Maria by hopping around. “Trust me, the novelty wears off,” said Paul McCartney, ex-husband of Heather Mills.

8. Late Tuesday night, North Korea said it successfully tested a powerful nuclear bomb. And, since North Korea had previously blocked Seth Rogen’s film “the Interview,” it truly was the first bomb released in that country this year.

9. On Tuesday, the National Football League’s perennial-losers, the Cleveland Browns, hired Major League Baseball executive Paul DePodesta as their new chief strategy officer. DePodesta’s first strategy, maybe try playing baseball, you couldn’t be much worse.

10. Time Warner Cable said on Wednesday up to 320,000 customers may have had their email passwords stolen. Time Warner assured customers that the data breach will in no way interfere with the cable company’s normal shitty service.

January 8, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. A t-shirt being sold at Florida State’s online Seminole Shop mistakenly had Auburn winning the championship game 34-31, instead of the other way around. “Now you know how we feel,” said the children of Africa.

2. Dennis Rodman and a group of ex-NBA players flew over to North Korea to play an exhibition game against the country’s national team in front of leader Kim Jong Un. Word of advice to all players, no matter how out-of-control the score gets, no one say “uncle.”

3. A man who has two functioning penises recently logged onto his computer to conduct a Q&A session on Reddit. Even more impressive, he typed in all his answers without ever using his hands.

4. According to a new study, black and Hispanic people tend to know less about skin cancer than white people. That’s alright, I don’t know what the fuck sickle cell anemia is.

5. A New Jersey man has sued the NFL for not making enough tickets available to the public for this year’s SuperBowl in his state. The lawsuit seems ridiculous, but after the season the Giants have had, Eli knew it was his only chance of attending the game.

6. Embattled L.A. County sheriff Lee Baca said on Tuesday he will not run for re-election at the end of this month. Baca decided to retire in order to spend more time planting evidence on his family.

7. According to a new study, more and more Florida high school students are trying hookahs, water pipes used for smoking tobacco. Also, that’s not what they’re used for.

8. Former NFL players suffering from health problems will be eligible to receive as much as $5 million each under a settlement reached in a lawsuit brought by retired players. Wow, those are gonna be some fancy, tricked-out wheelchairs.

9. On Tuesday, several French mayors joined together to ban a controversial, anti-semitic French comedian from performing in their cities. Obviously I don’t agree with his views, but a country can only take so much Jerry Lewis.

10. Musicians Ke$ha and Pitbull topped the charts and claimed the first number one single of 2014 with their song “Timber.” So now it’s just a waiting game for the other three horsemen.

December 3, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Denver Broncos head coach John Fox returned to work Monday, rejoining his first-place team almost one month since undergoing open-heart surgery. Said Bill Belichick, head coach of the rival New England Patriots, “What’s a heart?”

2. On Monday, search engine Bing named Beyonce the most-searched person in 2013, edging out 2012’s list-topper reality star Kim Kardashian, who came in second. Kardashian said she didn’t understand her drop-off since she did as little work this year as last.

3. Based on health data for 500 unrelated black men over the age of 20, researchers found those who had lived with one parent rather than two as children had higher blood pressure readings. Or, as the findings will soon be reported, all black people have high blood pressure.

4. A U.S. animal rights group on Monday filed what it said is the first lawsuit seeking to establish the “legal personhood” of chimpanzees. If successful, estate of Michael Jackson better ‘lawyer-up.’

5. A Minnesota man, ticketed for disorderly conduct after he flung $1,000 in small bills over a balcony at the nation’s largest mall during Black Friday, said he wants to give away more money. “You know, we have balconies here, too,” said the mayor of Detroit.

6. Auburn football player Chris Davis, the hero of this weekend’s Iron Bowl victory over rival Alabama, reportedly received a standing ovation from his Geology class on Monday. Davis said it was the weirdest experience he has ever had in a classroom, but, to be fair, it was also the only experience he’s ever had in a classroom.

7. A New Hampshire hospital worker was sentenced to 39 years in prison Monday for causing a multistate outbreak of hepatitis C last year. 39 years is a long time, but, on the plus-side, if he’s a fan of disgusting diseases and widespread outbreaks, he’s gonna really enjoy his time in prison.

8. Yesterday, the Republican National Committee sent out a tweet commemorating the day Rosa Parks was arrested in 1955 and “her role in ending racism.” Racism is over? Really RNC? Have you heard your views on the President?

9. The agency in charge of the troubled HealthCare.gov website said last week it is switching web hosting service providers. Said one representative, “Hopefully this works because we are running out of people to blame.”

10. According to a new study released this week, women prefer big penises. Hopefully, they also prefer disappointment.

December 2, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Russian President Vladimir Putin urged the organizers of the 2014 Winter Olympics on Thursday to work through Russia’s long annual New Year holiday to ensure Sochi is ready on time for the Games. Although, it seems very cold-hearted to ask people not to celebrate the fact that they survived another year in Russia. 

2. China’s campaign against online rumors, which critics say is crushing free speech, has been highly successful in “cleaning” the internet, a top official of the country’s internet regulator said last week. China is a bunch of pussies. I guess it’s not that successful considering I had no trouble putting that on the internet. 

3. U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry will travel to Jerusalem and Ramallah this week to discuss Israeli-Palestinian peace. I give them two days before they start begging for the other type of drone. 

4. Last week, the band Barenaked Ladies announced they had cancelled their plans to play a show at SeaWorld due to allegations of animal abuse at the park. So, apparently beggars can be choosers. 

5. On Saturday, the Auburn Tigers topped the undefeated Alabama Crimson Tide and put an end to Alabama’s quest towards a third national championship in a row. After the game, Alabama head coach Nick Saban said, “We had a deal, devil. WE HAD A DEAL!!!”

6. On Friday, it was reported that President Obama and First Lady Michelle will allow their daughter Sasha to pick where the family will live after the President’s second term ends in 2017. So get ready for some new neighbors, Bieber. 

7. “Us Weekly” reported that retired basketball star Michael Jordan is going to be a father again, this time with his new wife Yvette Prieto. Four children by two different women, I guess you can take the player out of the NBA, but no the NBA out of the player.

8. Elwood, the chihuahua whose unusual appearance won him the 2007 title of World’s Ugliest Dog, died unexpectedly at the age of 8 on Saturday. Said Elwood’s owner, “He’s grossing out people in heaven now.”

9. A German policeman has been arrested after the chopped-up body of a man he met on a cannibalism fetish website was found buried in his garden. Proving the fact that everyone hates leftovers. 

10. On Sunday, the Buffalo Bills made their annual trip to Toronto, losing 34-31 in front of a sold-out crowd which included the city’s crack-smoking mayor, Rob Ford. Ford said he always looks forward to the Bills visit because it means, at least for a day, he’s not the biggest disappointment in Toronto.

October 28, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Former Florida Governor Charlie Crist launched a campaign-style video and website on Friday that threw open the door to a likely run for his old job in 2014. While Crist has the necessary experience to be Florida’s next governor, he is over-qualified for a run at the Presidency in 2016 since his new website actually works.

2. The San Francisco 49ers won a fifth straight game on Sunday, crushing the winless Jacksonville Jaguars 42-10 at London’s Wembley Stadium. The outcome is no surprise considering when the Jaguars were going through customs at Heathrow, when asked if they were in town for “business” or “pleasure,” the players answered “neither.”

3. The San Francisco 49ers won a fifth straight game on Sunday, crushing the winless Jacksonville Jaguars 42-10 at London’s Wembley Stadium. Not since Vanilla Ice embarked on a world tour, has someone traveled such a great distance for the opportunity to suck in front of a whole new crowd.

4. Rapper Chris Brown was arrested and charged with assault in Washington early Sunday morning after getting into a fight with a man outside a hotel. But, on the plus side, at least he’s punching guys now, that’s called progress.

5. Rapper Chris Brown was arrested and charged with assault in Washington early Sunday morning after getting into a fight with a man outside a hotel. “I thought I was special!” said Rihanna.

6. American artist Duke Riley is set to open an exhibit in New York City this week which documents his experience training pigeons to smuggle Cuban cigars out of Havana and into the U.S. So if you thought that cigar tasted like bird shit, you were right.

7. Actor Orlando Bloom and model Miranda Kerr are back on the market after the couple announced the end of their three-year marriage. Which may explain that long, slow once-over your girlfriend gave you this morning.

8. After serving two years in prison for causing the death of Michael Jackson, Dr. Conrad Murray is set to be freed from jail today. Can someone make sure he still has LaToya’s number?

9. Oversleeping due to a turkey dinner and false teeth flying out the car window were just two of the imaginative excuses employees gave bosses when calling in sick last year, according to a study released by job website CareerBuilder. Proving that American workers are willing to put in a hard day of work at the workplace as long as that work involves them not having to show up at their workplace.

10. On Sunday, Miguel Cabrera of the Detroit Tigers and Paul Goldschmidt of the Arizona Diamondbacks were selected as the winners of the Hank Aaron Award, given to the most outstanding offensive players of the year. While, for the fifth year in a row, New York Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez won the Barry Bonds Award, given to the most offensive player of the year.

October 22, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. After the Falcons beat the Buccaneers on Sunday, the Falcons had the visiting locker room cleaned by workers in hazmat suits due to a recent MRSA staph outbreak amongst Buccaneer players. A spokesperson for the Falcons downplayed the whole incident, saying it is standard protocol to disinfect the visiting locker room after a possible staph infection or if the opposing team contains one of Kim Kardashian’s ex-boyfriends.

2. The New Jersey Supreme Court on Friday denied the state’s request to prevent same-sex marriages, clearing the way for same-sex couples to marry in the state starting yesterday. This is great news for New Jersey Governor Chris Christie because it means his state is one step closer to letting a man marry a hoagie.

3. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie dropped his legal fight against same-sex marriage on Monday, making New Jersey the 14th state to legalize same-sex marriage. Like most fights involving Christie, he immediately got winded and gave up.

4. Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Michael Vick is the most disliked player in the NFL according to a poll released Monday on Forbes.com. Said Vick, “It’s times like these that I miss Aaron Hernandez.”

5. 68-year-old Jim Leyland has resigned as manager of the Detroit Tigers after leading the team to three consecutive division titles and two World Series appearances in the last eight years. The announcement came as a surprise for most baseball fans who have always assumed that Leyland was at least 100-years-old.

6. Arkansas Representative Tim Griffin said on Monday he will not seek a third term in Congress, a surprise announcement made just days after the end of the government shutdown. And you know things are bad in D.C. when people are voluntarily leaving to go to Arkansas.

7. Over the weekend, a woman gave birth in a Barnes & Noble store. This will undoubtedly lead to tough questions when the kid grows up like “Where do babies come from?” and “What’s a Barnes & Nobel?”

8. Researchers found kids who were spanked as five-year-olds were slightly more likely to be aggressive and break rules later in elementary school. While kids who were spanked as 25-year-olds were more likely to be really weird.

9. Pop singer Kelly Clarkson, the first contestant to win the FOX singing competition “American Idol,” married talent manager Brandon Blackstone in a ceremony over the weekend. The ceremony took place at Blackberry Farms in Tennessee where, ironically, Justin Guarini parks cars.

10. Over the weekend, a Colombian soccer team was forced to play in knock-off versions of their own jerseys bought from street vendors outside the stadium after forgetting to bring their away uniforms to the game. That’s nothing, the New York Giants have been playing with imitation players all season.