Monologue Jokes – March 3, 2020

1. This week McDonald’s announced that it will sell a limited edition six-pack of candles that smell like Quarter Pounder ingredients including ketchup, pickles, cheese, onion and beef. So, your move, Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina. 

2. A man in Wisconsin was arrested last week for allegedly stealing chicken wings and condoms from a Walmart. He was either planning one hell of a night or I’ve been eating chicken wings wrong. 

3. Officials at a library in California are upset after recently discovering that an adult film was shot in the building. And if they’re upset by that, maybe they shouldn’t check the library computer’s search history. 

4. Last week, a U.K. patient underwent brain surgery while playing a violin. Look, if I want to listen to a musician with a brain injury play an instrument, I’d go to a Ted Nugent concert.

5. This week, Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg revealed, that even though his mother passed away several years ago at the age of 102, he still pays for her home’s phone line so he can call and hear her voice on the answering machine. Because nothing’s more relatable with today’s electorate than needless expenses and landlines. 

6. This week, Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg revealed, that even though his mother passed away several years ago at the age of 102, he still pays for her home’s phone line so he can call and hear her voice on the answering machine. He’s also opened up a quaint bed and breakfast with her as well:

7. According to reports, former Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein was in good spirits on Tuesday, as he accepted visitors at a Manhattan hospital, despite having been convicted a day earlier of sexual assault and rape. Said an elated Weinstein, “All I have to do is press this button and legally the nurse has to give me a sponge bath.” 

8. A soccer player in France has been suspended for five years after biting the penis of an opponent during an altercation after a match. He was also given a red card for using his hands to cup the balls.

9. It was reported this week that Steven Spielberg’s daughter Mikaela is making pornographic movies. “Oh God, that’s awful. Why would anyone put that on film?” said people after watching ‘Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull.’ 

10. According to a new study, erectile dysfunction pills can permanently distort one’s vision. “His or mine?” said a very hopeful Melania.

11. Three dolphins have been shot or stabbed in Florida since May. Police have named their top suspect, a Ray Finkle: 

12. During a rally, President Donald Trump ridiculed South Korean film “Parasite” winning the Best Picture Oscar, telling a campaign rally he wished for the return of Hollywood classics like “Gone with the Wind.” And you know Trump really hated that movie if he’s taking the side of wind:

13. On Wednesday, the Broadway play “To Kill a Mockingbird” was performed at Madison Square Garden for 18,000 public school students. “Oh, thank God!” said the students once they realized they were watching a three-hour long play based on a book written in the 1950s about race relations and not the Knicks.

14. Disney has announced a new partnership with the plant-based meat company Impossible Foods to offer the Impossible Burger at their resorts and parks. “Just in time,” said Eeyore:

15. A man in Florida was recently arrested at an IHOP restaurant for allegedly asking customers if they wanted to see his genitals. “But I asked this time?!?!?!” said a very confused Louis CK.

16. Despite potentially facing more than two decades in prison, Harvey Weinstein is “not giving up on life,” according to his spokesman. “Man, this guy really is bad at taking ‘No’ for an answer,” said Life.

17. Doctors are warning that putting potatoes up your butt won’t cure hemorrhoids. So I guess it was something else that cured my hemorrhoids.

18. This week, President Trump appointed Vice President Mike Pence to lead the federal task force to get to the bottom of the coronavirus. And, in future news, the coronavirus is caused by gays.

19. According to a spokesman, after his conviction, Harvey Weinstein is going “stir crazy” sitting in his hospital room. But, in Weinstein defense, you’d be pretty stir crazy too if you were trapped in a room with just Harvey Weinstein.

February 3, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump said on Monday the United States and China were in close contact regarding the newly identified coronavirus outbreak. “Close contact? Be careful, you might contract something,” said China:

 2. Last week, scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. Scientists made this discovery by showing the movie “Cats” to a bunch of sharks and watching them walk out of the theater. 

3. ‘Rolling Stone’ reported this week that during a listening party for his new record, singer Justin Bieber cried during the album’s playback. Crying because you’re being forced to listen to Justin Bieber music is the most relatable Justin Bieber has ever been. 

4. London’s first cheese-themed hotel opened last week. There are only rooms for one, because if your lifestyle makes you want to sleep in a cheese hotel, you’re probably provolone. 

5. NASA recently announced that it wants to put a female astronaut on the moon by 2024. While Mike Pence wants to put all women there by 2025.

6. Author Mary Higgins Clark, known as the ‘Queen of Suspense,’ died on Friday at the age of 92. Or did she? 

7. Doctors have issued a warning telling young men not to masturbate using banana peels, which has become a trend circulating on social media. Otherwise you may find out just how curious George really is.

8. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has announced that his forthcoming tell-all book will be called “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir.” It will be the first book told entirely from the Presidential bathroom. 

9. Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has already spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on campaign ads. It’s all part of Bloomberg’s plan to be more omni-present and annoying than Flo from Progressive. 

10. Border agents arrested a 36-year-old US citizen this week after finding 222 pounds of liquid meth in his truck. To give you an idea, this is what 222 pounds of meth looks like:

11. A man in China recently ate several live eels in an attempt to cure his constipation. “No matter how this ends, it’s gonna be my problem” said the aquarium’s janitor.

12. Last week, it was announced on Twitter that Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has died. Although the timing of his death is suspicious since it came so quickly after the release of this photo:

13. An ad appearing in the Waze navigation app is misdirecting motorists trying to get to Atlantic City’s Borgata Casino into the wilderness of New Jersey instead. The ad is actually from the Borgata, specifically the casino’s collections department:

14. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’ wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer. “So it was the swimsuit edition,” said lesbians.

15. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. During the first episode Gunther calls the cops on the six black people for loitering in the coffee shop. 

16. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. Great news, we already have our Rachel:

17. Tinder is adding new safety features, including a panic button that alerts safety authorities if something goes wrong during a date. That’s crazy because it implies that something could go right on a Tinder date.

18. “Doctor Who” made history with its first ever black Doctor, who was revealed during Sunday night’s episode. Unfortunately it was Dr. Conrad Murray:

19. Twitter said on Monday accounts of several NFL teams, including the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs, were hacked, ahead of the Super Bowl. And apparently the Cleveland Browns:

20. President Trump tweeted in Arabic and Hebrew this week to promote his new Middle East peace deal. Begging the question, how can you even tell in Trump’s tweets are in a different language:

21. According to reports, Queen Elizabeth initially wanted to demote Prince Harry to an Earl upon hearing his decision to leave the Royal Family. “Vicious burn!” said the whitest people you know. 

22. A woman was arrested last week after attempting to sneak into the U.S. from Canada by running through a library that straddles the border between Quebec and Vermont. Police suspected she wasn’t American because she was in a library.

January 6, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, a Kentucky woman gave her probation officer a dog urine sample during a drug screening. Officials became suspicious when her tests came back positive for snausages.

2. During a rally on Friday, President Trump warned his supporters that his Democratic opponents would tear down crosses. Although I’m not sure uppercase T’s count as crosses: 

3. Presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg on Tuesday said his campaign had unknowingly used prison workers to make telephone calls on his behalf. Although, I think they would have been more effective if they had been knocking on doors instead:

4. Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein underwent back surgery last week. Here’s hoping for a quick recovery … for the doctors who had to see him naked. 

5. President Trump on Friday blasted the magazine founded by the late Reverend Billy Graham after the publication called for him to be removed from office. Said Trump, “That magazine isn’t even worthy of being rolled up by a stripper to be spanked with.”

6. Russian President Vladimir Putin again invited President Trump to visit Moscow in the coming year. The prostitutes are already preparing for Donald’s arrival:

7. President Trump said on Tuesday he would be happy to have a trial in the Senate following his impeachment in the House, but that he did not really care. Trump has such little interest in the matter that he has nicknamed it ‘Tiffany.’

8. On Monday, doctors to Bernie Sanders said the presidential hopeful passed a stress test. That story again, apparently there are no visual components to stress tests:

9. A recent study found that a Google artificial intelligence system proved as good as expert radiologists at detecting which women had breast cancer. “Great, now all women can share my experience of what it’s liked to get felt up by a robot,” said Ann Romney.

10. Disney World employees who portray costumed characters have filed incident reports with police, claiming tourists inappropriately touched them. “When you’re a star, they just let you do it,” said one Donald to another.

11. According to reports, actress Lori Loughlin is reportedly practicing martial arts so she’ll be ready for prison. Or, more likely:

12. A Chinese court sentenced the scientist who created the world’s first “gene-edited” babies to three years in prison. Apparently now you can get sent to jail for making babies that shouldn’t exist, so better lawyer up Mr. and Mrs. Bieber.

13. A Chinese court sentenced the scientist who created the world’s first “gene-edited” babies to three years in prison on Monday for illegally practicing medicine. “Wait, you can legally practice medicine?” said this guy:

14. According to a new study, almost 1 in 18 women have experienced sexual harassment in the workplace. This study was conducted anywhere other than “The Today Show”:

15. Newsweek has published a new article profiling an experimental study conducted 20 years ago that observed eight couples having sex in an MRI scanner. So now you have something other than that tumor to worry about, next person in that scanner. 

16. Newsweek has published a new article profiling an experimental study conducted 20 years ago that observed eight couples having sex in an MRI scanner. The study concluded that you should never let give the night janitor keys to the MRI room.

November 25, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a recent article, Mayor Pete Buttigieg only packed four shirts for his bus tour around Iowa. And when he says he only packed four shirts, he means it:

2. President Trump reportedly screened ‘The Joker’ last weekend at the White House for family and friends. “Wow, that was scary,” said Trump after seeing the Joker take on that many steps:

3. A 39-year-old Texas man living with his mom allegedly killed his mom’s dog because he couldn’t have sex in her house. Said the man, “If I can’t fuck that dog, no one can.”

4. Actress Emma Watson recently said she prefers to call herself “self-partnered” rather than single. Although has she considered that maybe she’s single because she insists on referring to herself as self-partnered?

5. Actress Emma Watson recently said she prefers to call herself “self-partnered” rather than single. I once got kicked out of an Applebees in Sheboygan for self-partnering myself.

6. In a statement released last week, White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham claimed that the recently released testimony shows there is “even less evidence for the impeachment inquiry.” Then she added, “Oh wait, I was holding it upside-down…oh, dear lord!”

7. Last week singer Justin Bieber released an all-natural, vegan deodorant called “Here & Now.” Because apparently after sucking in the medium of sound for so long, Bieber is now wants to destroy our sense of smell as well.

8. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is reportedly interested in purchasing a professional football team. “Professional? Well, that rules us out,” said the Dolphins.

9. Apple announced this week that it is aiming to launch its augmented-reality headset in 2022. “Sooner!” said people looking around at reality in 2019.

10. President Trump was not boo’d when he was shown on the Jumbotron during a University of Alabama football game last weekend. But that’s only because it’s early in the semester and the Bama students haven’t gotten to the letter ‘B’ yet:

11. According to President Trump, one of the first things world leaders do when meeting him is congratulate him on the U.S. economy. As opposed to the first thing President Trump does, which is ask them to investigate Hunter Biden.

12. According to a new poll, 56% of people use the internet to diagnosis themselves. Said Eric Trump, “Turns out I have a pretty severe case of ‘error 404 not found.’”

13. The start of the second half of Saturday’s Harvard-Yale football game was delayed by nearly an hour after a number of spectators came out of the stands and rushed the field to protest climate change. Officials became suspicious when they noticed there were spectators in the stands. 

14. On Sunday, actor Tom Hanks found out that he’s related to Mister Rogers. That story again, Mister Rogers fucked.

15. Billionaire former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg put his name on Democratic primary ballots in Texas on Wednesday. They say everything is bigger in Texas, which is great news for Bloomberg: 

16. Coldplay will not tour to promote their new album due concerns over the pollution caused by tour buses and private jets. So maybe global warming isn’t so bad.

17. A drunk man allegedly groped a woman on a flight while his young son was sitting next to him. But, on the plus side, at least Trump is hanging out with Barron now.

18. According to a new report, scientists have found a place in Ethiopia where life cannot exist due to its extreme environment. That story again, Africa has its own Detroit.

19. According to a new study, teens have a higher likelihood of using marijuana if their parents use the drug. When asked if he wanted his kids to smoke marijuana, singer Willie Nelson said, “I have kids?”

20. According to a recent story, a Hollywood movie studio executive once suggested that Julia Roberts play the role of Harriet Tubman. But in the exec’s defense, I assume Helen Mirren was busy.

March 17, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, four out of five elementary schools students in Oklahoma can’t red a clock. While four out of five elementary school students in China made those clocks.

2. Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said on Thursday that President Trump is playing a constructive role in new heath care legislation. And, he’s being such a good boy that he’s gonna get another gold star:

3. President Trump said a decision by a federal judge in Hawaii to issue an emergency halt on Wednesday to his revived travel ban was an example of “unprecedented judicial overreach.” There hasn’t been that bad of a case of overreach since Trump was backstage at the Miss Teen USA pageant.

4. This week, a pastor in Sierra Leone discovered a 706-carat uncut diamond. “So, he’s single?” asked Melania.

5. NBC announced on Tuesday that, beginning next month, “Saturday Night Live” will broadcast live across the country for the first time in the show’s 42-year history. Because why should people on the east coast be the only ones allowed to watch Donald Trump breakdown in real time on Twitter?

6. Grindr, the gay meet-up app, is offering users a new set of patented emojis. Although, I don’t think the eggplant is new.

7. According to ‘The New York Post,’ First Lady Melania couldn’t be convinced to leave her apartment in New York for a photo op at the White House. Said Melania, “I don’t understand why I have to go all the way to D.C. for a photo, we have microwaves here.”

8. A Texas goldfish with a disorder preventing it from controlling its own buoyancy is swimming upright thanks to a “wheelchair” designed by its owner. But just be sure, when he dies, to flush him down the handicapped toilet.

9. After robbing a bank, a Virginia man went to a Taco Bell and told a police officer he “did something stupid.” But, to be fair, no one ends up at a Taco Bell because they did something smart.

10. A blind woman from Maine says she and her service dog were kicked off an American Airlines flight after she requested a different seat. But, in American Airlines’ defense, she was requesting the pilot’s seat.

11. A Brazilian soccer team has signed goalkeeper Bruno Fernandes de Souza following his release from prison for the murder of his girlfriend and the subsequent feeding of her body to his dogs. Begging the question, can O.J. play soccer?

12. In a recent interview, Brazilian President Michel Temer said ghosts drove him out of the country’s presidential residence. Which is why officials have told Steve Bannon not to wear his hood around the White House:

13. In a recent interview, Eric Trump said the Trump brand “is the hottest it’s ever been.” Coincidentally, a phrase that, thanks to Scott Pruitt, has deleted from all EPA materials.

14. A series of tweets by White House spokesman Sean Spicer on Friday commenting on strong February job creation figures may have run afoul of federal guidance barring most officials from commenting on key economic data within an hour of its release. When reached for comment Spicer yelled, “NO YOU RAN AFOUL OF FEDERAL GUIDELINES!!”

15. U.S. officials said on Friday, ahead of their upcoming meeting, that President Donald Trump will ask German Chancellor Angela Merkel for advice on how to deal with Russian President Vladimir Putin. Said Trump, “And don’t say ‘mind the balls’ because I’m already doing that.”

16. A brown bear broke out of its cage at a zoo in northern Germany on Saturday and was shot dead by a zoo keeper after shocked visitors were led to safety. Or, as Betsy DeVos thinks of it, education.

17. A man carrying a backpack with mace and a letter for President Donald Trump was arrested Friday night after he breached security at the White House. Although, if he really wanted Trump to listen to his message he should have breached security at ‘Fox & Friends.’

18. According to a nuclear weapons expert, North Korea will likely have a reliable intercontinental ballistic missile capable of striking and destroying the U.S. within the next five years. “I can do it in four,” said Trump.

19. Nathan Daniel Larson is running for Virginia’s state House of Delegates after spending 16 months in jail for threatening to kill President Obama in 2009. Which explains his campaign poster:

20. According to a new study, Americans drank more bottle water than soda in 2016. So that sound you hear is Michael Bloomberg climaxing.

August 24, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to wildlife experts, orangutans face complete extinction within the next ten years. And, even sooner if Eric and Don Jr. improve their aim:
trump hunting

2. Experts are predicting, in the not-too-distant future, robots will become criminals and cops will be powerless to stop them. Unless, of course, they paint the robots black.

3. According to a new study, being the male breadwinner of a household may be detrimental to that man’s psychological well-being and overall physical health. And, in a related story, Stedman feels great.

4. The state of Oregon has collected $25.5 million in marijuana taxes since the beginning of the year. Now, if they could just remember where they put it.

5. Former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani has repeatedly suggested that Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton is hiding a mental illness. Although, the point seems less credible coming from a red-faced lunatic screaming at the top of his lungs:
giuliani

6. Los Angeles police are investigating a break-in at the famous Brady Bunch house. The last time that house saw such an unwelcomed visitor, cousin Oliver was moving in.

7. During a Little League World Series game, ESPN cameras caught a coach stopping by the pitcher’s mound to tell his son he loves him. Although, I bet he’d be singing a different tune if his kid were a catcher.

8. Donald Trump’s new campaign manager Kellyanne Conway told interviewers that she does not believe that Trump hurls personal insults. Said Conway, “He nicknamed both Marco Rubio and Michael Bloomberg ‘little’, he called two people by the same name, that’s not personal.”

9. Actor Jonah Hill snorted so much fake cocaine during the filming of “The Wolf of Wall Street” he ended up in the hospital. Although, if you told me there was an actor who OD’d on powder sugar, he would have been my first guess.

10. Scientists are developing an edible form of packaging which they hope will preserve food more effectively than plastic film. “Wait, those Twinkie wrappers weren’t edible before?” said Chris Christie.

June 8, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Burger King is testing out a new menu item that combines a Whopper with a burrito, it’s called the Whopperrito. Here’s how it’s made:
whopperrito

2. A federal appeals court on Tuesday revived a lawsuit in which a West Virginia inmate accused state prison officials of invading his privacy by surgically removing marbles he had implanted in his penis. Even more concerning, he’s taken up chess in prison.

3. A woman in England has taken time off from her job to breastfeed her boyfriend. “I’ve been there,” said Cher.

4. According to new research, fish can recognize human faces. “Uh-oh!” said SeaWorld trainers.

5. The National Football League’s Twitter account was hacked on Tuesday and a false tweet claiming that Commissioner Roger Goodell had died was sent out. Authorities are not sure who the hacker but have a person of interest:
brady

6. On Tuesday. Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper signed a bill allowing parents to send medical marijuana with their kids to school. Said one kid to another, “I’ll trade you my Capri Sun and string cheese for your eighth of that sticky-ikcy.”

7. According to a new study, babies who drink from large bottles early in life may experience more weight gain by six months than infants who drank from smaller bottles. As a result, Michael Bloomberg has proposed a ban on all baby bottles larger than 16 ounces

8. At a theater gala in New York Monday night, Oscar Award-winning actress Meryl Streep dressed up as presidential candidate Donald Trump. Turns out, the devil wears Trump-brand suits.

9. A 90-year-old letter to Santa was found this week in a house’s chimney. It was put there by a stupid kid who apparently doesn’t understand how the mail works.

10. According to experts, presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump’s recent derogatory comments about Latinos directed at the judge overseeing his court case could cost him the state of Florida in the general election. Said Trump, “Desperate times, call for desperate measures. Get me two taco bowls.”

January 25, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Over the weekend, winter storm Jonas dropped over two feet of snow on New York City. After the blizzard, the city was so white it was nominated for an Oscar.

2. On Friday, Donald Trump retweeted a neo-Nazi Twitter account. “My mistake, I don’t want to be associated with that kind of hatred,” said the neo-Nazi Twitter account.

3. According to a new poll, nearly 10% of college graduates believe Judith Sheindlin, also known as Judge Judy, serves on the Supreme Court. But, on the plus-side, 10% of college graduates have heard of the Supreme Court.

4. ISIS is reportedly going through some financial troubles and, as a result, are cutting salaries of its members by 50%. So now it’s only 36 virgins.

5. Saudi’s grand mufti, the kingdom’s top cleric, said chess and similar games are “forbidden” in Islam because they’re a form of gambling. Which means Saudi Arabia is the only place in the world where the chess team is comprised solely of bad-boys and outlaws.

6. On Saturday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he “could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot someone and not lose any votes.” Or, as it’s more commonly known, pulling a Cheney.

7. On Saturday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he “could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot someone and not lose any votes.” And, in related news, Jeb Bush is now avoiding Fifth Avenue.

8. Sunday was National Compliment Day. That story again, yesterday was National Compliment Day, you fat sack of shit.

9. Music icon Cher said recently, “Donald Trump can’t come up with a hairstyle that looks human, how can he come up with a plan to defeat ISIS?” Which is weird, because with logic skills like that, you’d think that Trump would be the perfect candidate for her.

10. According to reports, former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg is seriously considering a third-party run for the presidency. Political experts are calling it the most expensive way to hear what Donald Trump really thinks about you.

November 5, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. FIFA has apologized to Ukraine for an error during last week’s presentation of the 2018 World Cup logo in Moscow which showed the Crimean Peninsula as part of the Russian Federation. Although, to be fair, by 2018 it will probably be accurate.

2. Police in San Francisco are seeking clues as to how a bag of meth turned up in the Halloween candy of a 8-year-old girl. Said the girl, “I don’t know what happened, I was the one who knocked.”

3. Actor Michael Fassbender is in talks to play Steve Jobs in an upcoming bio pic. So, no, that’s not an iPhone 6 Plus in his pocket.

4. This week, a couple got married on board a Southwest flight from Nashville to Dallas. Or, as same-sex couples are referring to it, a loophole.

5. Yesterday, a Florida judge denied a motion to extend voting hours in Broward County after problems were reported at polling locations. Said Broward County residents, “It’s really a moot point since none of us can drive at night anyway.”

6. Yesterday, rapper Lil Jon flew all the way from Los Angeles to Atlanta just to cast his vote in the mid-term elections. Which can only mean one thing, an initiative to legalize marijuana must have been on the ballot.

7. On Tuesday, a federal judge in Kansas ruled that the state’s ban on same sex marriage violates the U.S. Constitution. Which means, in the near future, Dorothy may not be able to tell the difference between Kansas and Oz. “I think we may still be in Kansas, Toto.”

8. Yesterday, Republican Mitch McConnell of Kentucky won re-election to a sixth term in the U.S. Senate. You’d think after six races the hare would have picked up at least a few pointers.

9. A 28-year-old Toronto man is offering free plane tickets to anyone with the name Elizabeth Gallagher, which is the name on the tickets because he purchased them for an ex-girlfriend named Elizabeth Gallagher. In a related story, I also have plane tickets intended for my ex-girlfriend, so let me know if you’d like to accompany me on a trip around the world and you’re name happens to be Angelina Jolie.

10. Former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has used his ample fortune purchased over 400 domain names that were derogatory towards him. Which makes the fact that I chose http://www.prejectedjokes.com over my second choice, http://www.MichaelBloombergIsAMidget.com, all the more painful.

October 20, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A man in New Brunswick claims to have found a dead mouse at the bottom of his McDonald’s cup of coffee. Said the employee who served him, “Oh, you said ‘ice coffee.’”

2. On Saturday, Bloomberg reported that President Obama is preparing to ask Congress for additional funds to fight the Ebola virus. Although, I think it might be more effective if Congress reported that President Obama plans to ask Bloomberg for additional funds to fight the Ebola virus.

3. Over the weekend, the Pentagon announced that it is forming a 30-person military “quick strike team” that will treat Ebola patients in the U.S. Or, as it will soon be known, a 20-person military quick strike team.

4. Actor Charlie Sheen and adult film star Brett Rossi have called off their engagement after dating for almost a year. Sheen said the honeymoon phase wore off, and I’m guessing the “honeymoon phase” is a type of cocaine.

5. Actor Charlie Sheen said he called of his engagement to adult film star Brett Rossi so he can focus more on his children. Said his children, “Alright, what are our names?”

6. Serena Williams slammed Russian tennis chief Shamil Tarpischev for his “insensitive, sexist and racist” remarks in describing her and sister Venus as the “Williams brothers” on a late night TV talk show. Although, if you ask me, the real victim of this story is the talk show that is so starved for guests that it will interview the Russian tennis chief.

7. Speaking to workers at the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau in Washington on Friday, President Obama revealed that his credit card was declined while dining out in New York City last month. “I told you he didn’t have a working Visa,” said Donald Trump.

8. According to its website, Giantmicrobes Inc., a company that makes a line of plush toys based on viruses, has sold out of its entire Ebola doll stock. As a result, Fisher-Price is working on its newest toy, Stay the Fuck Away from Me Elmo.

9. Scientists studying fossils have discovered that the intimate act of sexual intercourse used by humans was pioneered by ancient armored fish, called placoderms, about 385 million years ago. Scientists also discovered that, just like humans, placoderms married for life, which also explains why they stopped having intercourse and eventually went extinct.

10. A Washington state high school teacher has been warned not to have students spin a disciplinary “Wheel of Misfortune” to assign punishment for misbehaving in class. Even more disturbing, it was run by the shop teacher Mr. Armstrong and he insisted on dressing like Vanna.