January 20, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Madame Tussauds waxwork museum in London announced last week that it had removed figures of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle from their royal exhibit. The last time a room full of royals cleared out that quickly the Queen ripped a mean one. 

2. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a candle that she claims smells like her vagina. And if you purchase that candle you can expect to hear a lot of questions like ‘Why did you buy this?’ and ‘How did this happen?’ and ‘Are you cooking fish?’ 

3. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. So, yeah, that’s not a spit bucket. 

4. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. Begging the question, who is my thirteen-year-old nephew training to fight? 

5. Five California mountain lions were seen together on home surveillance video this week. It’s the most disturbing grouping of large cats since:

6. A German Shepherd in North Carolina gave birth to a green puppy last week. “I know what you’re thinking,” said the family’s pet turtle. 

7. Chris Beart, the rapper who cut off his own penis before jumping off a two-story building in 2014, recently got married. Said the groomsman who disapproved of the marriage, “This is going to be the second worst decision you’ve ever made.”

8. A new study found no strong evidence linking baby powder to ovarian cancer. Great news for LeBron James’ ovaries:

9. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced last week that they will be “stepping back” from their role as royals, moving to America, and “will work to become financially independent.” That story again, Harry will be answering to a new King:

10. Last week, a Florida man pled guilty to a trafficking scheme in which live water monitor lizards were concealed inside electronic equipment and smuggled from the Philippines into the U.S. Which explains why my fax machine just ate my cat.

11. Police in Florida are seeking help locating a burglar who broke into a house and told the owners he was “there to suck toes.” That story again, Quentin Tarantino is apparently scouting filming locations in Florida.

12. Scientists recently conducted a study in which they put 3D glasses on cuttlefish and showed them film clips. The study found that if you put 3D glasses on cuttlefish for a long enough period you’ll lose your job as a scientist.

13. Last week, Georgia authorities say a man broke into a Taco Bell restaurant, prepared food, and took a nap inside. The man made a meal and took a nap or, as President Trump refers to it, a full workday.

14. According to a new study, older people who frequent art galleries and museums and attend the theater may live longer than those who don’t. “Strongly disagree?” said the ghost of Lincoln.

15. It was revealed this week that the New York Public Library’s most checked-out book of all time is the children’s book “The Snowy Day.” While the Library’s least checked-out book, “The Erotic Tales of Wilford Brimley.”

16. Monday night, the LSU Tigers beat the Clemson Tigers 42-25 to win the college football National Championship. It’s the first time a tiger beat itself since:

17. According to a new study, Mars is losing water quicker than expected. That story again, Mars is still more inhabitable than Flint, Michigan.

18. On Monday, the Cleveland Browns named Kevin Stefanski their new head coach because, I assume, he was the last one to say ‘Not it.’

19. A Florida woman was arrested this week for building a bomb in a Walmart from items she found in the store. So, just one item?:

20. Last week, a man asked a court to grant his motion for trial by combat so he can meet his ex-wife and her attorney “on the field of battle.” “Hey at least I asked the court ahead of time this time,” said O.J.

August 26, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Larry King and his seventh wife, Shawn King, filed for divorce this week after 22 years of marriage. That’s bullshit, they vowed to be together until “death do them part,” she couldn’t honor those vows and wait three weeks? 

2. Last week, Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro suggested that people should “poop every other day” as a way to save the planet. That story again, the president of Brazil is trying to put Chipotle out of business.

3. President Trump said on Tuesday he was convinced that Mitch McConnell wants to move legislation to toughen background checks for gun purchases, expressing optimism that Congress will act on the issue. And, in unrelated news, Charlie Brown is convinced that Lucy is really going to hold that football for him to kick this time.

4. Congressman Steve King of Iowa questioned on Wednesday whether there would be any population left on Earth if not for rape and incest. So maybe someone should check in with King’s wife and sister, specifically to make sure they are two separate people. 

5. After a member of Nairobi’s Parliament, Ken Okoth, died last month, Nairobi Governor Mike Sonko, while speaking at Okoth’s memorial service, publicly detailed an alleged affair between the late MP and a woman who was not Okoth’s wife. That story again, stop inviting Mike Sonko to things.

6. A hiker lost for five days in the Montana wilderness says he survived off berries and bugs. There was a Sonic nearby, but the hiker decided to stick with the bugs and berries.

7. Democratic presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren on Monday apologized again for her claims in the 1980s that she is Native American, speaking to a crowd of tribal leaders in Iowa. Although, I’m not sure smoke signals was the best way to convey that message.

8. A former employee of Robert De Niro’s production company was allegedly fired for binge watching ‘Friends’ while a work. Said the employee, “I was on a break!” 

9. President Trump said on Tuesday he wants a “full investigation” into the circumstances surrounding financier Jeffrey Epstein’s death at a federal detention facility in New York City. Adding, “The investigation should focus on his death and literally nothing else”:

10. During a recent podcast, boxer Mike Tyson revealed that he smokes $40,000 worth of marijuana a month. For Evander’s sake, let’s hope, despite that amount of weed, Mike doesn’t get the munchies:

11. According to reports, a painting of former President Bill Clinton posing in a dress and high heels hung in Jeffrey Epstein’s New York City home. “Yeah…a painting,” said Bill.

12. According to reports, President Trump has asked aides about the possibility of buying Greenland. Said Greenland, “Oh, we have a bunch of Mexicans here, you wouldn’t like it. I’m hearing good things about Norway.”

13. Former President Barack Obama released his summer reading list and I think he’s trying to send everyone a message:

14. Joe Biden aired the first TV ad of his 2020 presidential campaign in Iowa on Tuesday, over five months ahead of the Iowa Caucus. Man, it’s gonna suck to live in Iowa for the next five months … and all the months prior to and after that as well.

15. In the midst of answering a question about the ongoing trade war with China on Wednesday, President Donald Trump turned from reporters, looked to heavens and proclaimed, “I am the chosen one.” Well, not technically:

16. Mexican musician Celso Pina, famed as “the rebel of the accordion, died on Wednesday. He is survived by a wife, two daughters, and a couple of very happy neighbors.

17. On Friday, the World Health Organization said  that eradicating malaria is biologically feasible. “On the other hand,” said Jenny McCarthy.

18. A NASA astronaut is accused of hacking her estranged spouse’s bank account from outer space. How is it possible that she can access the internet from Mars, but I can’t get my wifi to work if I’m more than ten feet away from the router?

19. Two weeks before the beginning of the NFL season, Colts quarterback Andrew Luck abruptly announced his retirement from football. It is the earliest someone’s season has been over since New York Jets’ season every single year.

20. A Florida man who was found to have ecstasy pills shaped like President Trump’s head has been charged with unlawful possession of controlled substance. Say what you will, but thats a pretty good business plan, what better way to convince people to take drugs than subtly reminding them that Trump is still president.

March 18, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, Scotland’s worst serial killer Angus Sinclair died at the age of 73. He is survived by his ‘to-do’ list.

2. It has been announced that there will be a new emoji to represent interracial couples. So, if you thought your grandfather were confused by emojis before…

3. A German yachtsman who was knocked overboard credited his jeans with saving his life after fashioning them into a make-shift life jacket that kept him afloat for over three hours. That story again, at this point, Jay Leno is basically half fish: 

4. A Texas couple has a started a company that sells beer for dogs. Or, as it’s more commonly known, Michelob Lite.

5. A British company has introduced a wearable penis camera. So gone are the days of having to tape a GoPro to your balls.

6. According to a new report, the average city bus in New York City travels just 6.4 miles per hour, which transit researchers have pointed out is nearly 2 miles per hour slower than a rat can sprint. “That’s why we take the subway to work,” said business rats:

7. This week, NASA said that the first person on Mars will most likely be a woman. “Fuck,” said Dr. John Gray:

8. According to newly released emails, Rudy Giuliani reassured Michael Cohen in an April 2018 email that Cohen could “sleep well tonight” because he had “friends in high places.” Which means one of two things, Giuliani was dangling a presidential pardon or he was once again stuck in a tree:

9. Toyota announced plans to send an electric car to the moon by 2029. The way it will work is the driver will enter “Flagstaff, Arizona” into Apple Maps GPS and then follow the directions.

10. “Full House” actress Lori Loughlin appeared in federal court in Los Angeles on Wednesday to face charges of taking part in a scheme in which dozens of wealthy parents are accused of paying for their children to cheat their way into prestigious universities. And yet somehow Dave Coulier still walks around a free man.

11. Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort read a statement during his sentencing hearing this week asking the judge for leniency so he can spend time with his wife. Said the judge, “Don’t worry, where you’re going, you’ll be the wife”:

12. Senator Cory Booker all but guaranteed at a campaign event on Friday that he will pick a woman as his running mate if he wins his party’s nomination. “It sounds good in theory,” said the ghost of John McCain.

13. Actress Rosario Dawson, whose film credits include “Rent” and “Men in Black II,” has confirmed reports she is dating presidential candidate Cory Booker. Not to be confused with President Trump’s actress girlfriend who stared in “Bent” and “II Black Men”:

14. According to a new study women who gain more weight than recommended while pregnant may increase their chances for serious complications at delivery. As do the husbands who point that fact out to their pregnant wives.

March 16, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Pornstar Stormy Daniels said that the recent news surrounding her alleged affair with President Trump has been great for business. In fact, to accommodate the increase in demand, Stormy is looking for new holes on her body.

2. Over the weekend, a woman in her underwear rode a horse into a night club in Miami Beach. Said the other people in the club at the time, “WOW! This is some good cocaine!”

3. This week, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk said that the first spaceship that can potential carry people to Mars is not an escape hatch for rich people. Said rich people, “Okay, then can we send all the poor people to Mars?”

4. This week, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk said that the first spaceship that can potential carry people to Mars is not an escape hatch for rich people. So it looks like Scarsdale, New York will be able to keep its motto:

5. Zayn Malik and Gigi Hadid have reportedly broken up. News that in no way will affect my desire to ever know who either of those people are.

6. According to a new study, the U.S. spends about twice what other high-income nations do on health care but has the lowest life expectancy and the highest infant mortality rates. Or, as it was reported by the Trump administration, America is #1 across the board!

7. On Tuesday, while visiting San Diego to view prototypes of the border wall, President Trump said the wall needed to be very high because the Mexicans they are dealing with are “professional mountain climbers.” Said Melania, “Teach me”:

8. This week, United Airlines wrongly shipped a 10-year-old German shepherd named Irgo to Japan instead of Kansas. But the family that received the dog in Japan wants to let its family back in Kansas know that Irgo, “is safe and delicious.”

9. According to a recently reported story, poor Afghan farming family named their son Donald Trump, hoping for good luck, but the choice has only brought misfortune. “Yeah, I could have told you that,” said Trump:

10. Tennessee officials are searching for a suspect who stole $75,000 worth of medical screws from a doctor’s car. The last time that many screws were missing from a medical professional, Ben Carson was still a brain surgeon.

11. During a speech Saturday night, President Trump called for enacting the death penalty for drug dealers. A position that Trump will undoubtedly change once he learns that Propecia and Viagra are drugs.

12. This week, Former ‘Blossom’ star and 90s heartthrob Joey Lawrence filed for bankruptcy. Begging the question, what took so long?

13. Russian President Vladimir Putin said he “couldn’t care less” if Russian citizens tried to meddle in the 2016 US election. “Oh my God, we have so much in common,” said President Trump.

14. Hillary Clinton told an audience over the weekend that while she thought President Trump played to some of Americans’ worst fears, the U.S. as a whole does “not deserve,” Trump. Even more proof that while campaigning in 2016, Hillary didn’t visit the whole country.

15. Greece indefinitely suspended its Superleague soccer games on Monday after the owner of the club PAOK Salonika was filmed wearing a gun holster as he strode onto the pitch to protest about a disallowed goal. Said President Trump, “Would he be interested in teaching gym class?”

16. During a rally over the weekend, President Trump told the people of Pennsylvania to “vote like crazy.” But assume Trump misspoke and meant to say “vote for crazy”:

17. According to ‘The Washington Post,’ President Trump still sees Ivanka as “his little girl,” And Tiffany as his “Who?”

August 9, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Kylie Jenner recently admitted that she doesn’t know who she is since becoming famous saying, “I think I lost a lot of parts of myself.” “You think you lost parts of yourself,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

2. While President Trump is vacationing in New Jersey, the White House is undergoing a $3.4 million renovation. That story again, replacing soggy mattresses is more expensive than you thought.

3. A man who survived two days stranded in the Arizona desert, made it through by drinking beer and his own urine. When asked why he didn’t drink the six-pack of Mountain Dew he had, the man replied, “I wasn’t that desperate.”

4. The Mars Curiosity Rover celebrated five years in space this week by humming “Happy Birthday” to itself. The story again, the Mars Curiosity Rover is apparently a divorced dad who lost custody.

5. Ten years after her orthodontic braces were removed, a piece of dental wire was found stuck inside an Australian woman’s small intestine. But, on the plus-side, her small intestine has never looked so straight.

6. Nevada’s so-called ‘Clown Motel,’ which contains 600 clown figurines, mannequins and paintings, is up for sale. It’s perfect for anyone who doesn’t want to sleep another night in their life.

7. A man was busted at a Metallica concert in Arizona after allegedly urinating on family of three. Said the owner of the venue, “We don’t tolerate that kind of behavior unless, of course, R Kelly is playing.”

8. Over the weekend, a man and a woman were caught having sex at the Wisconsin State Fair. Even worse, there was a ‘You Must Be This Tall to Ride This Ride’ sign set up in front of her.

9. The town of Hamburg, New York has launched a campaign to rejuvenate an old water tower by painting it to resemble a hamburger. That story again, living in Hamburg, New York is exactly as excited as you think it is.

10. Last week, a 13-year-old boy in Connecticut woke up to find a skunk in his bed. That story again, Pepe Le Pew’s still at it:

April 25, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump is scheduled to have dinner with all the Supreme Court Justices on Thursday. It’ll mark the first time that all of President Trump’s dinner guests wore robes since Steve Bannon’s family came over for game night:

2. While speaking to astronaut Peggy Whitson yesterday, who is currently aboard the International Space Station, President Trump said “Better you than me,” when Whitson said she purifies her own urine to drink. So, I’m guessing the part that Trump objected to was the purifying part.

3. Despite saying “I love Wikileaks” while campaigning, in a new interview, President Trump said he doesn’t support the website. And, in Trump’s defense support and love are two very different things, for instance, he supports Eric and Don Jr.

4. A new study found that 90% of baby changing tables in public restrooms tested positive for cocaine. Which, I’m pretty sure, is the plot of ‘Boss Baby’:

5. Former Fox News host Bill O’Reilly launched a podcast on Monday. And it has already lost a sponsor, Blue Apron has pulled its commercials after O’Reilly tried to look down her apron.

6. Yesterday, President Trump announced his plan to send a man to Mars during his presidency. While, Scott Pruitt, the head of the EPA, announced his plans to send us all to Mars during Trump’s presidency.

7. While en route to Australia last week, Vice President Mike Pence forced everyone onboard Air Force 2 to watch “Hoosiers” which he called “the greatest basketball movie ever made.” “Yet another thing we disagree on,” said the plane’s previous tenant:

8. A new study found that blood from human infants appeared to improve learning and memory in older mice. And you thought these pictures were creepy before:

9. Vice President Mike Pence has cut short the final leg of his Asia trip to return to Washington ahead of a potential government shutdown. But, don’t worry, before Pence as able to end his trip prematurely, he was forced to look at an ultrasound of his remaining stops.

10. A seven-year-old boy in China miraculously survived a ten-storey fall from a building after using an umbrella as a ‘parachute.’ Upon landing, the boy was immediately served with a lawsuit by lawyers for Mary Poppins.

February 24, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Dubai police have summoned a Russian model who posed for a video while dangling from a skyscraper to sign a pledge not to put her life in danger again. That unbelievable story again, someone in Dubai values a woman’s life.

2. The United Arab Emirates announced that it wants to establish a city on Mars by 2117. “You had me at sending Arabs to Mars,” said Trump.

3. More than a million penguins have travelled to Argentina’s Punta Tombo peninsula during this year’s breeding season due to an unusual abundance of small fish. Although, it seems like some might have ulterior motives:
penguins

4. There are workshops popping up around Germany that teach children how to hold a match and light fires safely. Which explains Germany’s version of Smokey the Bear’s new motto, “Only you can prevent forest fires, but come look how cool this shit is!”

5. According to a new poll, a majority of Trump supporters believe the media is their enemy. So, strike two, Univision.

6. During a town hall in Arkansas Wednesday night, a 7-year-old boy asked Senator Tom Cotton not to cancel PBS Kids so that President Trump can build his wall. Which is ironic, because PBS Kids is where Trump first got the idea to build the wall:
dora

7. In a recent interview Mariah Carey said she’s incapable of living in the real world. So true, the real world can be a scary place, for instance, sometimes you turn on the TV and ‘Glitter’ is on.

8. President Donald Trump said on Thursday he wants to ensure the U.S. nuclear arsenal is at the “top of the pack,” saying the United States has fallen behind in its weapons capacity. That story again, we’re all gonna die.

9. A businessman travelled around Scotland to register the births of 26 non-existent babies as part of a benefit fraud scheme. Authorities became suspicious when they realized he wasn’t in the NBA.

10. According to a new study, men who don’t exercise regularly have stronger sexual libidos than men who do. Thus, doing the impossible, making me somehow feel worse for Melania.

11. On Wednesday, a 26-year-old former nursing home employee in Ohio was arrested after she reportedly gave a 100-year-old male resident a lap dance. Her bail hearing will be on Thursday and his funeral will be on Friday.

12. This week, Pope Francis expressed displeasure with the current smartphone culture, proclaiming that texting at the dinner table could lead to war. A comment that seems directed at one, specific person:
trump-tweeting

13. King Salman of Saudi Arabia will visit Indonesia next month, along with his 1,500 person entourage. Finally answering the age-old question, what would it look like if MC Hammer ran a country.

14. According to reports, Fukushima survivors are being urged to return to the nuclear disaster site by the Japanese government despite radiation levels similar to Chernobyl. Although, if they were really affected by the radiation, the government could probably just use a magnet to drawn them back.

15. President Donald Trump said on Monday that Lieutenant General Herbert Raymond McMaster will be his new national security adviser. Begging the question, if Herbert Raymond McMaster and Jeffery Beauregard Sessions III are in D.C., who’ll be tryin’ to catch dem Duke boys?

16. Before introducing her husband at his rally in Florida, First Lady Melania Trump led the crowd in the Lord’s Prayer. And it really was inspiring, to think that the woman who has lived with Donald Trump for the past 12 years still believes in God.

17. On Friday in New York City, Hillary Clinton was spotted eating dinner with Kate McKinnon, the actresses who imitates the former Secretary of State on ‘SNL.’ McKinnon ordered the sea bass, while Hillary ordered a full investigation into Trump’s ties with Russia.

18. 10,000 men dressed in loin-cothes gathered for the Naked Man Festival in Japan to scramble for a pair of lucky sticks blessed by a priest. Said every man at some point during the day, “Hey, hey, hey, that’s not one of the sticks!”

19. Researchers at the University of Toronto have discovered that only a handful of brain cells are linked to bad memories and they are able to delete single, specific memories while leaving other memories intact. Begging the question, can they delete future memories, like, I don’t know, the entirety of the next four years?

20. According to a new study, doctors who feel burned out or overwhelmed by the demands of work are less likely to view their work with patients as a “calling” that has meaning. Does the same hold true if the doctor himself is a burn-out?:trump-doctor

October 12, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump tweeted “It is so nice that the shackles have been taken off me and I can now fight for America the way I want to.” Which is weird, because with those tiny little hands of his, you’d think he would have been able to slip out of those shackles a lot sooner.

2. Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump tweeted “It is so nice that the shackles have been taken off me and I can now fight for America the way I want to.” So attention all women, take extra precaution to protect all grab-able body parts, because he now has a full range of motion.

3. Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump tweeted “It is so nice that the shackles have been taken off me and I can now fight for America the way I want to.” “You might want to hang onto those shackles,” said the people investigating Trump University.

4. Comcast is being forced to pay the largest fine the FCC has ever levied against a cable operator for charging customers for services and equipment they didn’t ask for. Or, as Wells Fargo refers to it, good business.

5. A new study warns that astronauts traveling to Mars could suffer brain damage. Which explains why, after “the Martian,” Matt Damon thought it was a good idea, as a white man, to star in a Chinese epic called “the Great Wall.”

6. On Monday, actor Leonardo DiCaprio revealed that he has signed up to be an astronaut on SpaceX’s highly anticipated trip to Mars. Said DiCaprio, “I’ve already fucked every supermodel on Earth.”

7. On Monday, 1,201 married couples gathered at Western Michigan University to renew their vows, breaking a world record. The last time there were that many married couples in one place Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Newt Gingrich and all their ex-wives got together for a very uncomfortable dinner.

8. There’s a new trend where people dab small amounts of their own urine onto their faces in bid to give themselves clearer, healthier-looking skin. “That’s insane! Why would you want a small amount of your own urine on your face?” said R Kelly.

9. Yesterday, President Obama vowed that America will be the first country to land on Mars. And then Vice President Biden made a joke about Uranus.

10. FoxNews’ Geraldo Rivera said this week he has additional audio tapes of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump saying embarrassing things. For instance, in one tape, Trump refers to Rivera as “a close friend.”

January 23, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, smarter people tend to use iPhones. Although that number dwindles dramatically if the iPhone is attached to a selfie-stick.

2. Potential Republican presidential candidates Jeb Bush and Mitt Romney met privately in Utah on Thursday. Thus, setting a record for the whitest sentence I have ever written.

3. According to a recent poll, three out of five voters in New Jersey do not think Governor Chris Christie would make a good president. Or, as President Obama now calls those kind of numbers, a ringing endorsement.

4. The British government plans to introduce a law before May forcing tobacco companies to sell cigarettes in plain packages without any branding. Thus, leaving kids on their own to decide which ones are the coolest.

5. On Thursday, the Los Angeles Lakers confirmed that five-time NBA champion Kobe Bryant has torn his right rotator cuff. Said Kobe, “Don’t worry, I can always use my left hand to not pass the ball to my teammates.”

6. Four-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion Jeff Gordon said on Thursday the upcoming 2015 season will be his last. Gordon said he looks forward to spending more time with his family and making righthand turns.

7. The World Games, an event held every four years that showcases more than 35 sports not on the Olympic program, will be hosted in 2021 by Birmingham, Alabama. So if that’s not motivation to get your sport into the Olympics by 2021, then I don’t know what is.

8. Earlier this week, a baby was born on a transatlantic flight bound for New York. Said the baby, “I had more legroom before.”

9. Russia hit back on Wednesday at President Obama’s State of the Union speech, saying it showed the U.S. believes it is “number one.” Said American, “Yeah, have you seen ‘Rocky?’”

10. Microsoft surprised the tech world on Wednesday with a prototype hologram visor that can bring the Minecraft video game, Skype calls and even the landscape of Mars to three-dimensional life. And by Minecraft, Skype and Mars I mean porn.

11. Nearly 130,000 pages of declassified Air Force files on UFO investigations and sightings are now available online. So finally you’ll be able to read crazy, outlandish theories on the internet.

12. Gunmaker PARA USA has called for an industry-wide boycott of movies starring Liam Neeson after the actor criticized U.S. gun policy during a recent press tour. And I don’t know who to side with because I think the U.S. does need to reform its gun laws, but I also don’t want to see “Taken 3.”

13. CBS Sports basketball analyst Greg Anthony has been suspended by the network after he was arrested over the weekend on a charge of soliciting prostitution. “Wow, things have really changed since I left CBS,” said Charlie Sheen.

14. Amazon said on Monday it was aiming to produce close to twelve movies a year for theatrical release which would then be available on its Prime video service within two months. Unless, of course, North Korea has a problem with it.

December 17, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Norman Bridwell, the creator of the “Clifford the Big Red Dog” children’s books, died at the age of 86. Or, as it was reported to kids, he went to go live on a farm upstate.

2. Mama June and Sugar Bear, from TLC’s “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” have reportedly been offered $1 million to make a sex tape. If the couple accepts the offer, the resulting film will have to be shown in IMAX theaters.

3. A technology company has released new vending machines that use facial recognition software to decide whether it will sell different foods to specific customers. And, the machine is programmed that if it recognizes Chris Christie’s face to play dead and just wait for the whole thing to be over.

4. Yesterday, the group taking credit for the recent Sony Pictures hack threatened to unleash attacks at American theaters showing the upcoming Seth Rogen film “the Interview.” Said moviegoers, “Still can’t be a worse experience than when I went to see Rogen in ‘the Green Hornet.’”

5. The ruble plunged more than 11 percent against the dollar on Tuesday in its steepest fall since the Russian financial crisis in 1998. Things have gotten so bad that Russia is now begging Ukraine to invade Russia.

6. NASA’s Mars Curiosity rover found methane in the Martian atmosphere and organic chemicals in the planet’s soil, the latest hint that Mars was once suitable for life, much like Detroit.

7. On Tuesday, police in Alabama arrested a man after finding 14 grams of heroin hidden in his 2-year-old daughter’s diaper. Said the man, “Arrest her!”

8. Researchers say that older women often suffer from treatable urinary incontinence in silence. Adding, “And thank God for that.”

9. A White House task force on Tuesday issued proposals to tighten the grip on the illegal global seafood trade, which causes billions in losses to the legal fishing industry annually. Said a representative for the task force, “Something smells fishy.”

10. Yesterday, Vladimir Putin was named Russia’s Man of the Year for the fifteenth year in a row. Or, as Kim Jong Un calls it, a good start.