October 7, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Authorities say that temporary water filters installed in homes in Newark are at least 97 percent effective in reducing lead in drinking water. “Newark? You know what, I think we’re good right here,” said residents of Flint. 

2. Mayor Bill de Blasio on Monday joined a groundswell of support for permanently banning serial transit pervs from riding the city’s subways. “TAXI!!!!” yelled Anthony Weiner.

3. Last week, Mattel, the 75-year-old toymaker behind Barbie, launched it’s first ever gender-fluid doll. “First ever?” said Ken, looking down. 

4. The Kremlin said on Monday that Washington would need Russian consent to publish transcripts of phone calls between President Trump and his Russian counterpart Vladimir Putin. And if there’s one thing Trump is good at, it’s getting consent: 

5. After being cut by the New England Patriots, receiver Antonio Brown enrolled at Central Michigan University to finish his college degree. Which is weird, if he wanted to play amateur football, he could have just stayed on the Raiders.

6. According to a new study, living near a coastline improves mental health.“Told ya so Wilson” said one such beachside resident: 

7. President Trump called for an end to religious persecution on Monday at the United Nations. Adding, “Mexican isn’t a religion, right?”

8. French researchers are developing what they say is the most powerful MRI scanner in the world which will use a supermagnet the weight of a blue whale. It’s the first machine that will diagnosis and give you cancer at the exact same time.

9. During his Congressional testimony last Thursday, the Acting Director of National Intelligence said he did not know the identity of the anonymous White House whistleblower who filed a complaint against President Trump. Although, he has a guess:

10. According to “The New York Post,” Casey Anthony is considering having another child. Sounds like someone’s got a new car with extra trunk space. 

11. Jerry Seinfeld has defeated a lawsuit claiming he stole the idea for the Netflix hit “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee” from a former colleague. And, in related news, still no one wants to take credit for “The Marriage Ref”:

12. According to “The New York Times,” President Trump suggested shooting migrants in the legs in order to slow them down after crossing the southern border. Or they could do what Melania does when she wants to slow Donald down:

13. According to reports, when President Trump was denied his request for a Southern border moat and told he can’t shot migrants in the legs, he allegedly yelled, “I ran on this issue. You’re making me look like an idiot.” To which his advisors replied, “I think you’re giving us way too much credit for that, Sir.”

14. Last week, teenager in New Mexico was arrested for impersonating a police officer. Officials became suspicious that he wasn’t a real cop when he pulled over an African American and did not shoot him.

15. This week, President Trump incorrectly attacked “The Washington Post” for an article that ran in “The New York Times.” Said Trump, “That’s ridiculous, I’m great with names, just ask Not Ivanka #1 an Not Ivanka #2.”:

16. This week, Disney revealed its first openly gay couple, Orka and Flix from the tv series “Star Wars Resistence.” That story again, Chip continues to deny his feelings for Dale:

17. The University of Kansas has apologized for a performance by rapper Snoop Dogg that featured drug references and dancers on stripper poles. Said the school, “We apologize, how could we have known that Snoop Dogg would behave exactly the same as he has for the past thirty years.”

18. Ahead of this year’s holiday season, a California company is selling kale-flavored candy canes. “I can see I’m no longer needed here,” said lumps of coal.

May 6, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, there was a spike in herpes diagnosis following the recent Coachella music festival in California. So I’m guessing John Mayer headlined Coachella this year.

2. Tiger Woods will celebrate his Masters victory and receive the nation’s highest honor for a civilian when he visits the White House and President Donald Trump on Monday. Said Mike Pence upon seeing Woods at the White House, “Oh no, Barack’s back!” 

3. A group of gynecologists is claiming that despite reports online, there is no benefit to eating human placentas. “No benefit? Really?” said a New York City man eating placenta in a subway car he had completely to himself.

4. Researchers in England have discovered trace levels of cocaine in several samples of freshwater shrimp. And, in related news, Charlie Sheen is sporting a new look:

5. This week, Thailand’s King Maha Vajiralongkorn Bodindradebayavarangkun revealed he has wed his royal consort General Suthida Vajiralongkorn Na Aydhaya and declared her queen. She attempted to take his name, but the person working the DMV died of exhaustion. 

6. According to a new survey, the Bostonian accent is the 28th sexiest accent in the world. That story again, there are apparently only 28 accents in the entire world.

7. President Trump and Democratic leaders agreed on Tuesday to spend $2 trillion on U.S. infrastructure, leaving the details of how to pay for it to another meeting. Said Trump, “I have a great idea, hear me out, Mexico.” 

8. This week. President Trump called for his administration to restrict the asylum process, issuing a presidential memorandum that proposed charging asylum-seekers a fee. Which explain why they’ve also changed the inscription on the Statue of Liberty to “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, who also happen to have a buck fifty on them.” 

9. According to a source, Special counsel Robert Mueller expressed concerns in a letter to Attorney General William Barr that Barr’s four-page letter to Congress summarizing the “principal conclusions” of Mueller’s findings didn’t fully capture his 448-page report. But according to Barr’s summary of Mueller’s letter, Barr did a great job and is very handsome. 

10. For the first time in five years, ISIS has released what it says is a new video message from its leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. Say what you want about ISIS, but hearing from your leader only once in five years does sound nice: 

11. According to a new report, the number of dead people on Facebook may outnumber the living within fifty years. That story again. Mark Zuckerberg’s quest for blood knows no bounds.

12. A man in Mexico had to be rescued after he accidentally trapped himself in a hole that he dug so he could spy on his ex-girlfriend. “Wait, Mexicans can dig?!?!?” asked a very worried Trump.

13. A man in Mexico had to be rescued after he accidentally trapped himself in a hole that he dug so he could spy on his ex-girlfriend. He knows that Facebook accounts are free, right?

14. A Georgia stepmother is set to become the state’s only female death row inmate after she was convicted this week. Another glass ceiling broken ladies, congrats.

15. On Wednesday, Senator Lindsey Graham admitted that he didn’t read the entire Mueller Report. Yeah, no one did:

16. On Thursday, Senator Michael Bennet of Colorado declared his candidacy for the Democratic party’s 2020 presidential nomination. And you may remember Michael Bennet from such places as the beginning of this joke and literally nowhere else.

17. Oprah Winfrey said in a recent interview that she calls Democratic presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg “Buttabeep, Buttaboop.” She also revealed that she calls Stedman rarely.

18. A European study of nearly 1,000 gay males who had sex without condoms, where one man had HIV and was taking antiretroviral drugs to suppress it, has found the treatment can prevent sexual transmission of the virus. Said the guy who didn’t have HIV, “Wait what study?”

June 22, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Attorney General Jeff Sessions cited a Bible verse to justify his policy of separating immigrant families. I have an idea, let’s tell Sessions that Church and State are from Mexico and maybe he’ll be in favor of their separation, too.

2. The New York State Assembly is considering a bill that will legalize alcoholic ice cream. That story again, apparently someone dumped the New York State Assembly.

3. A Turkish court accepted an indictment charging the father of New York Knicks center Enes Kanter with “membership in a terror group.” It’s terrible that he’s being so publicly lumped in with such a bad crowd, also that bad news about Kanter’s father too.

4. On Tuesday, President Trump tweeted out “If you don’t have Borders, you don’t have a Country.” Because if there’s one thing this guy knows about it, it’s setting boundaries:

5. After delivering a speech to a group of business owners on Tuesday, President Donald Trump hugged an American flag as he walked off stage. That story again, Michael Avenatti has a new client:

6. According to a new study, cases of syphilis reported in England have reached the highest level since 1949. “You’re welcomed,” said Collin Farrell.

7. The U.S Golf Association has issued an apology after last weekend’s broadcast of the U.S. Open picked up audio from two guys graphically describing a sexual encounter. But, that’ll happen when you make Billy Bush your caddy:

8. A Scottish man has created a donut, chicken nugget hybrid that he is calling the donug. Which means Trump’s second hand will finally be freed up to go back to tweeting:

9. Chicago Cubs pitcher Brandon Morrow was scratched from Tuesday’s game against the Dodgers because he injured his back while taking off his pants. “I know you’re excited, but the key is take them off one leg at a time,” said Morrow’s new life coach:

10. On Tuesday, President Trump accused Canada of smuggling American sneakers across the border. Which explains Jeff Session’s new immigration policy of dressing Mexican immigrants up like Nikes and busing them to Albany:

11. A hat said to been worn by Napoleon Bonaparte at Waterloo 203 years ago was sold at auction for over $400,000. “That’s a great deal, my hat cost much more than that and it’s damaged,” said the guy who bought Lincoln’s hat:

12. A Russian soccer commentator said he will no longer do World Cup matches for Russia’s biggest state-run broadcaster, four days after naming President Vladimir Putin’s biggest critic live on air. The announcer said he is retiring to spend more time with his family, once he finds out where Putin has hidden them.

13. Burger King Russia has apologized for offering a lifetime supply of Whoppers to any Russian woman who could get pregnant with the child of a World Cup player. Wow, that really is a poorly conceived promotion, if you’re asking a woman to get pregnant you definitely give away Whopper Jrs.

14. According to reports, during a tense meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel at the G7, President Trump reached into his pocket, pulled out two Starbursts, tossed them at Merkel and said, “Don’t say I never give you anything.” Which can only mean one thing, Trump definitely had more than two Starbursts in his pocket.

15. First Lady Melania Trump’s visit on Thursday to the Mexican border was overshadowed by a jacket she wore with the words “I really don’t care, do u?” scrawled on the back. Not to be outdone, Trump has writing on the back of all his jackets too:

16. A 3-year-old girl is safe after spending the night in a rural Missouri cornfield, with her faithful dog by her side. Said the girl, “I wouldn’t have made it without Rover, he was delicious.”

17. Phil Mickelson hit a moving ball on the 13th green during the third round of golf’s U.S. Open on Saturday. “He hit a moving ball? That’s impossible.” said every single Miami Marlin.

18. In a new interview former White House aid Steve Bannon claims that president Trump has “never told a lie.” Adding, “In fact, just the other day he told me I was very handsome and a sharp dresser”:

19. It was announced this week that Robert Patterson, the acting administrator of the Drug Enforcement Administration, will retire at the end of the month. Patterson said he wants to spend more time at home narcing on his family.

20. According to a new study, people who are married may be less likely to die from a heart attack or stroke than individuals who aren’t. “That’s a real chicken or the egg type problem for me,” said Melania.

December 29, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Dutch ambassador Peter Hoekstra lied to a news reporter about comments he perviously made, and then, when confronted with those comments, lied about lying. Said Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, “The lying gets worse, I just checked a map and there’s no such place as Dutch”

2. The man who dropped off a gift-wrapped box of horse manure to Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin’s Los Angeles home said he did so in response to Congress’s newly passed tax bill. But that’s not a good comparison because at least the man gift-wrapped his package of shit.

3. A man in Mexico who claims to have a 19-inch penis says his member makes it impossible for him to hold down a job because he can’t kneel or wear a uniform. In other news, A-Rod hit 696 home runs with a career batting average of .295:

4. According to the numbers, Donald Trump visited a Trump-owned property over 100 times in his first year as president. And the number goes up dramatically if you consider Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan Trump-owned properties.

5. Callista Gingrich, wife of former speaker of the House of Representatives Newt Gingrich, on Friday became U.S. ambassador to the Vatican. That crazy story again, the woman who is married to Newt Gingrich and has presumably seen him naked still believes in God.

6. Michelin-starred chef Massimo Bottura plans to open two new restaurants in Paris and Naples next year, where the food will be free, made from supermarket scraps and served only to the poor. Or, as it’s more commonly known. Arby’s.

7. On Sunday, President Trump lashed out at the media tweeting, “The Fake News refuses to talk about how Big and how Strong our Base is.” I don’t know about strong, but they’ve definitely reported about how big your base is:

8. A topless protester was detained by Vatican police on Monday for attempting to steal the doll of baby Jesus from the Vatican’s nativity scene. Said the Pope, “What can I say? Bitches be cray”

9. According to a report, government officials are imploring Prince Harry not to invite former President Obama to his upcoming wedding for fear of enraging President Trump. You think Trump will be mad, wait until Jeff Sessions finds out Harry’s fiancee is half-black.

10. While eating diner at a local Applebee’s after losing to the Carolina Panthers on Christmas Eve, Tampa Bay Buccaneers defensive tackle Sealver Siliga left a $1,000 tip. “I just felt bad that anyone had to work such a crummy job on Christmas Eve,” said the Applebee’s empployees of Siliga.

11. New research suggests, for older people, getting out of the house regularly may contribute to a longer life. That story again, Grandma was a freeloader and I did her a favor by kicking her out of the house.

12. New research suggests, for older people, getting out of the house regularly may contribute to a longer life. So, at this rate, Donald Trump is going to live forever:

13. On Wednesday, the Israeli Minister of Transportation announced that a new train station near the Western Wall will be named after President Trump. In honor of Trump, the train will have an gigantic caboose:

14. A Connecticut woman allegedly snorted cocaine in a police station while waiting to be booked on unrelated charges. Which, to her credit, is a pretty smart way to not have to wait anymore.

15. Alabama officials on Thursday certified Doug Jones the winner of the state’s Senate race, after a judge denied a legal challenge by Roy Moore. Moore will handle this rejection like he usually does, by signing the judge’s high school yearbook and stalking him at the mall.

16. Smartphone maker Apple and Japanese printer company Epson are facing legal complaints in France over allegedly speeding up the aging process of their products to stimulate demand. “I’m not so sure speeding up the aging process increases demand” said Mickey Rourke’s face:

17. China has closed more than 13,000 websites since the beginning of 2015 for breaking the law or other rules with the vast majority of people supporting government efforts to clean up cyberspace. I’ve made fun of your president and implied that Chinese people pee-pee in our coke, I guess what I’m saying is, what the fuck does a website gotta do to get banned in China?

18. A Tibetan film-maker jailed in China for making a film about the Olympics and Tibet has arrived in the United States after escaping from China. “You can be jailed in China for making unpopular movies?” asked a very concerned Adam Sandler.

August 4, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, White House aide Stephen Miller argued that the inscription on the Statue of Liberty does not matter because it was added at a later date. You know, like Tiffany.

2. According to a recently released transcript of a phone call with Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbill, President Trump used the phrase “local milk people.” And, I’m not 100% sure Trump wasn’t trying to say “cows.”

3. Yesterday, the Kennedy Center Honors announced their 2017 inductees, which included TV producer Norman Lear. And, as a tribute to Lear’s most iconic character, Archie Bucker, President Trump will appear on stage as himself.

4. According to a recently released transcript of a phone call with Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto, President Trump referred to himself as, “the world’s greatest person who does not want to let people into the country.” Which isn’t that impressive when you think about his competition for that title:

5. New Jersey police are searching for a man who was allegedly pleasuring himself during a recent screening of ‘The Emoji Movie.’ Here is a police sketch of the suspect:

6. A viral video shows employees in China being forced to drink toilet water due to lackluster performances at work. Or maybe they work at the Mountain Dew factory and they’re just trying to come up with new flavors.

7. Today, President Trump will begin an extended 17-day vacation at his golf club in New Jersey. Because nothing makes you want to get back to work more than spending 17 days in New Jersey.

8. A day into her role as New Zealand’s opposition leader, Jacinda Ardern was twice asked about her plans for having babies. But that’s gonna happen when you give your Jewish mother press credentials:

9. Singer Gwen Stefani is reportedly working on a Christmas album with her boyfriend Blake Shelton. Yet another example of someone trying to put the coal industry out of business.

10. The TV show ‘Extra’ is replacing co-host Tracey Edmonds with Renee Bargh. Begging the question, are those real people or did I just make up those names? There’s really no way of knowing.

11. A teen in Louisiana got a hammer stuck in her mouth on a dare. Or, at least, that’s what MC Hammer told his wife when she walked in on them.

12. According to reports, ousted communications director Anthony Scaramucci is listed as dead in the Harvard Law School Alumni Directory. Say what you will about Trump, but when he handles a problem, he handles a problem.

13. Representative John Delaney became the first Democrat to formally enter the 2020 presidential campaign, challenging President Trump more than 1,100 days ahead of the election. That might seem like a very early announcement, but, if I know one thing about John Delaney, I would be shocked that I knew one thing about John Delaney.

14. Jacksonville Jaguars quarterback Blake Bortles turned in one of the worst practices of his career by throwing five interceptions. “I know they were to the opposing team,” said Jets quarterbacks, “but what’s it like to throw a completion?”

15. An image has gone viral showing an employee of Europe’s budget airline EasyJet punching a passenger in the face while he was holding a baby. Said a United employee, “Dude, you completely missed the baby.”

16. A Connecticut man has been sentenced to 120 days in jail after police say he cut his pet fish in half. Also, now I’m suspicious about his claim that he also has siamese cats.

17. Due to an unforeseen increase in demand, the University of California had to rescind acceptance letters for nearly 500 students. “But, you kept their tuition checks, right?” said Trump University.

18. A 59-year old woman from central China transformed her appearance through plastic surgery in order to avoid $3.71 million of personal debts. Begging the question, exactly how much money does Renee Zellwegger owe?:

July 5, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Since taking office, President Trump has yet to visit the Democratic stronghold of California. But, in his defense, that’s where Tiffany lives.

2. Last week, ‘Sesame Street’ aired a segment on immigrants right before President Trump’s travel ban went into effect. In response, Trump threatened to use ‘The National Enquirer’ to out Bert and Ernie.

3. According to a new study, women find men with scruff attractive as short-term partners, but gravitate to men with full beards for long-term relationships. It’s like I always say, you fuck Michael J. Fox, but you marry Teen Wolf:

4. Police in Detroit are looking for a bald man who allegedly stole seven boxes of Rogaine from a local Walgreens. The week before a man with a full head of hair stole nine boxes, but no one said anything because he looked so confident and sure of himself.

5. According to a new study, longterm breastfeeding can lead to cavities. Although I think cavities are the least of your concerns if you’re still breastfeeding even though your kid has teeth.

6. An Oklahoma man is facing a felony charge after allegedly phoning in a bomb threat to a police department from a pay phone in the station’s lobby. Said the man upon arrest, “I get one phone call, right?”

7. The Pittsburgh house where fictional serial killer Buffalo Bill lived in the movie “Silence of the Lambs” is up for sale. The listing is scaring many people away because even if you manage to crawl out of the hole in the basement, you’re still in Pittsburgh.

8. Last week, a die-hard soccer fan from Mexico, told his wife that he was stepping out to buy cigarettes, then boarded a plane to Germany and drove to Russia to watch his national soccer team play in the Confederations Cup. Ironically, ever since his wife found out that he skipped out on her to watch a soccer game, he’s be forced to use his hand.

9. Authorities in Queens are trying to stop sections of Rockaway Beach from eroding and literally getting washed away. Although, I’m of the opinion, the less there is of Queens, the better.

10. Licensed prostitutes in Nevada, working in legal brothels, are organizing against the Republican-led American Health Care Act they say will devastate them. Which makes sense, because if Republican lawmakers are busy writing the bill, they won’t have time to hire them.

May 3, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Ryan Seacrest has been named Kelly Ripa’s permanent co-host on ‘Live with Kelly.’ Not to be outdone, Brian Dunkleman was just named the weekend assistant manager at a Best Buy in La Jolla.

2. According to a White House official, Ivanka Trump will review some executive orders before her father signs them. And maybe she’ll even sign a few, it wouldn’t be the first time Ivanka has signed her father’s name on his behalf:

3. On Monday, President Trump questioned why America fought in the Civil War. But, considering Trump’s penchant to sue, berate and name call anyone who disagrees with him, I’m guessing he’s questioning the ‘civil’ part.

4. Taco Bell announced that it will start offering beer on some menus in restaurants in Canada. Because why should you stop drinking once you get to Taco Bell.

5. Scientists have developed a new robotic drill that can conduct brain surgery in two and half minutes. Now, if they can invent a machine that comes up with crazy theories about the pyramids, we’ll have absolutely no use for Ben Carson.

6. White House budget director Mick Mulvaney accused Democrats on Tuesday of trying to make President Trump look bad during the recent budget negotiations. Also making Trump look bad, reporters who ask him questions and then record his answers word-for-word.

7. A new study found the prices for generic topical steroids to treat skin conditions like eczema and psoriasis are on the rise. You don’t say:

8. Bitcoin surged to an all-time high of $1,400 on Tuesday, And, I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Yay?”

9. Rock band the Eagles have filed a lawsuit accusing the owners of a Mexico hotel of using the name ‘Hotel California.’ While the members of Smash Mouth are suing the Days Inn because they weren’t paid overtime on their last shift.

10. President Trump and his Russian counterpart, Vladimir Putin, agreed on a phone call on Tuesday to try to meet sometime in July. But, until then, sexting will just have to do.

April 11, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a recent poll, Bill Cosby’s “Little Bill” children’s book series is on the list of books Americans most often asked librarians to pull from shelves last year. Ironically, requesting people to “pull Little Bill” is what got Cosby into this mess to begin with.

2. In a recent interview, actor and noted Republican Stephen Baldwin said he hasn’t spoken with his brother Alec Baldwin, who impersonates President Trump on SNL, since the election. But it’s not because of differing politics but because Alec has caller ID.

3. According to a ‘New York Times’ report, White House chief strategist Steve Bannon’s world view can be traced back to a book called ‘The Fourth Turning.’ While President Trump’s world view can be traced back to whatever Steve Doocy said that morning on ‘Fox & Friends.’

4. On Monday, Tim Berners-Lee, the inventor of the World Wide Web, said the internet needs a complete rethink to prevent spying and the spread of “nasty, mean ideas” on social media. Berners-Lee said we need to get back to the original purpose of the web, connecting people to other people and then connecting those people to pornography.

5. The United States, Mexico and Canada are considering a joint bid to host the 2026 World Cup soccer tournament. That story again, Canada has agreed to be the third wheel on a date with a couple that hates each other.

6. Sunday night, United forcibly removed a passenger from an overbooked flight while fellow-passengers video taped the incident on their phones but didn’t intervene. So I guess the people in the exit row who promised to help in the event of an emergency were all fucking liars.

7. Over the weekend, President Trump accepted his Chinese counterpart Xi Jinping’s invitation to visit China. So now Trump can finally get a firsthand look at the factories that make his ties.

8. Ford has developed a prototype crib that simulates a car ride for babies that only fall asleep while in motion. “I’m pretty sure I invented that?” said Casey Anthony.

9. Airbnb has permanently banned a host who cancelled a woman’s reservation because the guest was Asian. That story again, your Vietnam vet grandfather’s unfamiliarity with technology is now only the second best reason he can’t rent out his home on Airbnb.

10. According to a new study, talking to your dog is a sign of intelligence. “Does yelling ‘Finish him!’ count?” asked Michael Vick.

March 21, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to ‘Forbes,’ Microsoft founder Bill Gates is once again the richest man in the world. He regained the title the old fashioned way, by murdering Warren Buffett.

2. New England quarterback Tom Brady’s stolen, game-worn Superbowl jersey was recovered yesterday in Mexico found in the possession of a member of the international media. A story where Tom Brady is the hero and the bad guy is a Mexican journalist, or, as Trump refers to it, a wet dream.

3. Today is world puppetry day. Although some people have been celebrating for a while:

4. According to ‘Forbes,’ Donald Trump is worth $3.5 billion, which is a third of what he claimed he was worth during his presidential campaign. Which means somewhere in Trump Tower Melania is frantically typing 3.5 billion divided by 2 into a calculator.

5. Adidas has been testing a store where shoppers can design a sweater, have a body scan to determine fit and get it knitted by a state-of-the-art machine within hours. “You had me at sweater and full body scan,” said Cosby.

6. Yesterday, Eric Trump, the 33-year-old son of President Trump announced that he and his wife Lara are expecting their first child. Lara will obviously carry and deliver the baby because Eric is allergic to any type of labor.

7. According to a new interview, actor Tom Cruise has been training for over a year for a stunt in the upcoming ‘Mission Impossible’ film. That stunt, kissing a real, live woman.

8. The Cincinnati Zoo recently brought in a dog to take care of three tiger cubs abandoned by their mother. Or, I missed the best episode of ‘Maury’ ever:

9. On Friday, the Secret Service said a man who jumped over the White House fence last week was on the grounds for 16 minutes before he was apprehended. Which is still 15 minutes longer than Melania.

10. In a recent interview, comedian and actor Tim Allen said all the hatred for President Trump in Hollywood makes the town feel “like 1930s Germany.” “That’s not true,” said George Clooney and Mel Gibson for very different reasons.

March 20, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A new study found that dogs are capable of lying. “Although, they rarely do it when you really need them to,” said Michael Vick:

2. President Trump recently suggested that chief of staff Reince Priebus might someday run a car company. Makes sense, he can go from selling an orange to selling a lemon.

3. President Trump’s new proposed budget cuts federal funding for public broadcasting programs like ‘Sesame Street.’ Because nothing gives Trump more joy than evicting minorities:

4. On Friday, the Secret Service said a man who jumped over the White House fence last week was on the grounds for 16 minutes before he was apprehended. And, if you think that’s bad, a crazy person has been on the premises for the past 59 days:

5. According to a new study, men who routinely do intense or long workouts may have a lower than average libido. “You may want to reexamine those numbers,” said Arnold Schwarzenegger’s exhausted maid.

6. In a recent interview, Rodrigo Alves, the man known as “The Human Ken Doll,” said after 50 plastic surgeries he can’t breathe properly. Although, to be fair, I doubt there was a time when enough oxygen was ever getting to his brain.

7. According to research, the Tsimane people who live in the forests of Bolivia have the healthiest hearts in the world. In response, former President Bill Clinton asked, “What’s they’re secret?” while current President Donald Trump asked, “What’s a heart?”

8. Hillary Clinton said Friday she’s “ready to come out of the woods” and help Americans find common ground. I wonder what made her want to leave the woods now:

9. The Department of Homeland Security has requested proposals for the Mexican border, saying ideally it should be 30 feet high and the wall facing the U.S. side should be “aesthetically pleasing in color.” And, considering it’s the Trump administration that’s making the request, I’m guessing “aesthetically pleasing in color” means white.

10. Over the weekend, the NSA called allegations from the White House that President Obama directed a British spy agency to wiretap Donald Trump during the presidential campaign “arrant nonsense.” Although it is weird that the NSA misspelled “Aryan.”