May 14, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Queen guitarist Brian May was hospitalized last week after tearing hit buttock muscles while gardening. Said May, “Please tell people I have coronavirus.” 

2. The European Space Agency said this week that human urine could one day be used to make concrete to build structures on the Moon. So, from now, please refer to him as astronaut R Kelly:

3. Actor Hafthor Bjornsson, who played The Mountain in ‘Game of Thrones,’ set a deadlift world record by lifting 1,104 pounds. Breaking the old record of 1,054 pounds held by Dame Judi Dench: 

4. According to a new survey, almost 70% of married couples say they learned something new about their partner during quarantine. Said Donald to Melania, “We have a kid?!?!?!”

5. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis referred to his state as ‘God’s waiting room’ during a coronavirus press briefing last week. “Not so fast” said Georgia: 

6. Last week, Jada Pinkett Smith said even though she’s been married to Will Smith for 23 years, being quarantined with him made her realize she doesn’t know him at all. Said Pinkett Smith, “Did you know he doesn’t even have an uncle named Phil?”

7. Approximately 300,000 coronavirus masks sent to pregnant women in Japan as part of a government handout have been found to be faulty. Said the pregnant women, “Faulty protection is how we got into this mess to begin with.” 

8. German doctors are posing naked to protest protective equipment shortages. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, don’t get any ideas Dr. Phil:

9.  Last week, Carnival Cruise Line bookings shot up by 600% when they announced that they would return to the high seas on August 1 after months of coronavirus lockdown.  It’s gonna be weird in fifty years, when people want to compare something to a complete disaster and, instead of saying the Titanic, they reference the Goofy II.

10. Last week, an asparagus reader predicted that President Trump will be re-elected and impeached again. Laugh if you will, but she’s always been 100% accurate when she predicted that my pee was gonna smell.

11. After his personal valet tested positive for coronavirus, President Trump said he will undergo the COVID-19 testing every day. Said the man who administered the test by inserting a long swab into Trump’s nose, “I’ve never felt less resistance.” 

12. Last week, the creator of the dystopian tv series ‘Black Mirror’ said the world is too bleak right now for a sixth season of his show. And yet somehow ‘Fuller House’ is allowed to go on as planned.

13. Last Sunday, President Trump answered questions during a virtual town hall on FoxNews staged in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Trump’s answers were so nonsensical that halfway through the interview Lincoln stood up and walked out.

14. In California, a trio of suspected thieves was arrested trying to steal thirty-one rolls of toilet paper, thirty-two towels, and four sets of bed sheets. And no one was more angry about the arrests than the thieves’ wives who sent them out to pick up a few things:

15. During a segment on ‘Good Morning America’, the CEO of the Dolphins revealed mock ups of new entrances to their stadium that will help people adhere to social distancing guidelines. Here’s what those mock ups look like:

16. Last Thursday night, between 7pm and 7:30pm, JetBlue conducted a flyover of Manhattan, Queens, and the Bronx to salute healthcare reporters. Not to be confused with the flyover that occurred between 7:30pm and 10pm, which was JetBlue circling LaGuardia waiting to land.

17. According to a recent survey, women in New York find the Cuomo brothers more attractive than the Jonas brothers. “Alright, but what if we get rid of Kevin,” said the other two Jonas brothers:

18. According to Variety, actor Nicolas Cage will play Joe Exotic in an upcoming TV series about the eclectic zookeeper. Said Cage showing up on the first day of shooting with a mullet, dressed in a cowboy hat and a leopard print sleeveless shirt, “Okay, so what’s this Joe Exotic guy look like?”

19. French researchers are preparing to launch a human trial to test their hypothesis that nicotine can help the body combat coronavirus. That story again, Keith Richards is going to live forever.

20. Last weekend, Secretariat won a virtually Kentucky Derby race. Unfortunately the horse that finished in last place, Seattle Slew, was made into virtual glue.

November 25, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a recent article, Mayor Pete Buttigieg only packed four shirts for his bus tour around Iowa. And when he says he only packed four shirts, he means it:

2. President Trump reportedly screened ‘The Joker’ last weekend at the White House for family and friends. “Wow, that was scary,” said Trump after seeing the Joker take on that many steps:

3. A 39-year-old Texas man living with his mom allegedly killed his mom’s dog because he couldn’t have sex in her house. Said the man, “If I can’t fuck that dog, no one can.”

4. Actress Emma Watson recently said she prefers to call herself “self-partnered” rather than single. Although has she considered that maybe she’s single because she insists on referring to herself as self-partnered?

5. Actress Emma Watson recently said she prefers to call herself “self-partnered” rather than single. I once got kicked out of an Applebees in Sheboygan for self-partnering myself.

6. In a statement released last week, White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham claimed that the recently released testimony shows there is “even less evidence for the impeachment inquiry.” Then she added, “Oh wait, I was holding it upside-down…oh, dear lord!”

7. Last week singer Justin Bieber released an all-natural, vegan deodorant called “Here & Now.” Because apparently after sucking in the medium of sound for so long, Bieber is now wants to destroy our sense of smell as well.

8. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is reportedly interested in purchasing a professional football team. “Professional? Well, that rules us out,” said the Dolphins.

9. Apple announced this week that it is aiming to launch its augmented-reality headset in 2022. “Sooner!” said people looking around at reality in 2019.

10. President Trump was not boo’d when he was shown on the Jumbotron during a University of Alabama football game last weekend. But that’s only because it’s early in the semester and the Bama students haven’t gotten to the letter ‘B’ yet:

11. According to President Trump, one of the first things world leaders do when meeting him is congratulate him on the U.S. economy. As opposed to the first thing President Trump does, which is ask them to investigate Hunter Biden.

12. According to a new poll, 56% of people use the internet to diagnosis themselves. Said Eric Trump, “Turns out I have a pretty severe case of ‘error 404 not found.’”

13. The start of the second half of Saturday’s Harvard-Yale football game was delayed by nearly an hour after a number of spectators came out of the stands and rushed the field to protest climate change. Officials became suspicious when they noticed there were spectators in the stands. 

14. On Sunday, actor Tom Hanks found out that he’s related to Mister Rogers. That story again, Mister Rogers fucked.

15. Billionaire former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg put his name on Democratic primary ballots in Texas on Wednesday. They say everything is bigger in Texas, which is great news for Bloomberg: 

16. Coldplay will not tour to promote their new album due concerns over the pollution caused by tour buses and private jets. So maybe global warming isn’t so bad.

17. A drunk man allegedly groped a woman on a flight while his young son was sitting next to him. But, on the plus side, at least Trump is hanging out with Barron now.

18. According to a new report, scientists have found a place in Ethiopia where life cannot exist due to its extreme environment. That story again, Africa has its own Detroit.

19. According to a new study, teens have a higher likelihood of using marijuana if their parents use the drug. When asked if he wanted his kids to smoke marijuana, singer Willie Nelson said, “I have kids?”

20. According to a recent story, a Hollywood movie studio executive once suggested that Julia Roberts play the role of Harriet Tubman. But in the exec’s defense, I assume Helen Mirren was busy.

October 21, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, owning a dog is tied to lowering your risk of dying early by 24%. Counterpoint:

2. This week, NASA astronauts Jessica Meir and Christina Koch conducted the first all-female spacewalk. On a congratulatory call, President Trump praised them as “brave, brave women,” while Vice President Pence said “you’re still too close.” 

3. This week, the Paris zoo unveiled an unusual organism, nicknamed ‘the blob,’ which can heal itself and has 720 sexes. “A gross amorphous creature that has a lot of sex, nicknamed ‘the blob’? You’ll be hearing from my lawyers,” said Harvey Weinstein.

4. In a recent interview, Packers legend Brett Favre said he believes he stayed in the NFL too long. He said the warning signs included constant headaches, significant memory loss, and agreeing to be the Jets quarterback:

5. According to a recent report, concussions increased by 44% during this year’s NFL preseason. But, on the plus-side, that means around half of the Miami Dolphins won’t remember this season. 

6. A Florida man was reportedly arrested last week for trying to get an alligator drunk after his pals captured the reptile. Even worse, that gator was their designated driver.

7. Last week, a man walked 351 miles to have sex with a 14-year-old girl who turned out to be an undercover cop. So ladies, he’s single and into fitness.

8. Australia recently refused entry to a Vietnamese woman for failing to declare 22 pounds of raw pork, seafood and poultry upon her arrival in Sydney. “Where were you guys eleven hours ago?” said the guy who sat next to her on the plane ride over. 

9. Temperatures in Colorado plunged 64 degrees on Thursday last week. The last time the temperature dropped that quickly, Ann Coulter walked into the room. 

10.  Native New Yorker Alec Baldwin got scammed by a ticket seller in New York City. Oh no, did he get tricked into attending a live taping of the new “Match Game”?:

11. Actor Jonah Hill reportedly turned down an offer to play the Penguin in the upcoming Batman movie. Apparently Jonah rejected the role because he didn’t want to lose weight. 

12. The Trump White House on Tuesday rejected an impeachment inquiry launched by Democrats in the House of Representatives as “constitutionally invalid.”. But, on the plus-side, that means this administration has at least heard of the Constitution.

13. An Oklahoma woman is recovering after she was shot in the leg when her dog stepped on a loaded handgun. Said Rover, “No. You fetch!”

14. According to a new report, nearly two-thirds of North American birds will go extinct due to global warming. “Good,” said President Trump:

15. President Trump said on Thursday he does not know the two associates of his personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani who were arrested, even if they are in a picture with him. Which is true, just because they are in a picture with him, doesn’t mean Donald knows them, for instance, he has no idea who these people are:

16. According to prosecutors, the two associates of Rudy Giuliani who were arrested last week, had purchased one-way airline tickets out of the U.S. “So there are at least two open seats on that flight?” asked Mike and Karen Pence.

17. According to CNN, Rudy Giuliani is still the President’s attorney but will not be dealing with matters involving Ukraine. So it’s back to the basics for Giuliani, paying off pornstars.

18. Newly revealed court documents allege that actor Cuba Gooding Jr asked a stranger to “sit on [his] face and pee in [his] mouth” after groping her. But, on the plus-side, at least this time he asked first.

June 22, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, Attorney General Jeff Sessions cited a Bible verse to justify his policy of separating immigrant families. I have an idea, let’s tell Sessions that Church and State are from Mexico and maybe he’ll be in favor of their separation, too.

2. The New York State Assembly is considering a bill that will legalize alcoholic ice cream. That story again, apparently someone dumped the New York State Assembly.

3. A Turkish court accepted an indictment charging the father of New York Knicks center Enes Kanter with “membership in a terror group.” It’s terrible that he’s being so publicly lumped in with such a bad crowd, also that bad news about Kanter’s father too.

4. On Tuesday, President Trump tweeted out “If you don’t have Borders, you don’t have a Country.” Because if there’s one thing this guy knows about it, it’s setting boundaries:

5. After delivering a speech to a group of business owners on Tuesday, President Donald Trump hugged an American flag as he walked off stage. That story again, Michael Avenatti has a new client:

6. According to a new study, cases of syphilis reported in England have reached the highest level since 1949. “You’re welcomed,” said Collin Farrell.

7. The U.S Golf Association has issued an apology after last weekend’s broadcast of the U.S. Open picked up audio from two guys graphically describing a sexual encounter. But, that’ll happen when you make Billy Bush your caddy:

8. A Scottish man has created a donut, chicken nugget hybrid that he is calling the donug. Which means Trump’s second hand will finally be freed up to go back to tweeting:

9. Chicago Cubs pitcher Brandon Morrow was scratched from Tuesday’s game against the Dodgers because he injured his back while taking off his pants. “I know you’re excited, but the key is take them off one leg at a time,” said Morrow’s new life coach:

10. On Tuesday, President Trump accused Canada of smuggling American sneakers across the border. Which explains Jeff Session’s new immigration policy of dressing Mexican immigrants up like Nikes and busing them to Albany:

11. A hat said to been worn by Napoleon Bonaparte at Waterloo 203 years ago was sold at auction for over $400,000. “That’s a great deal, my hat cost much more than that and it’s damaged,” said the guy who bought Lincoln’s hat:

12. A Russian soccer commentator said he will no longer do World Cup matches for Russia’s biggest state-run broadcaster, four days after naming President Vladimir Putin’s biggest critic live on air. The announcer said he is retiring to spend more time with his family, once he finds out where Putin has hidden them.

13. Burger King Russia has apologized for offering a lifetime supply of Whoppers to any Russian woman who could get pregnant with the child of a World Cup player. Wow, that really is a poorly conceived promotion, if you’re asking a woman to get pregnant you definitely give away Whopper Jrs.

14. According to reports, during a tense meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel at the G7, President Trump reached into his pocket, pulled out two Starbursts, tossed them at Merkel and said, “Don’t say I never give you anything.” Which can only mean one thing, Trump definitely had more than two Starbursts in his pocket.

15. First Lady Melania Trump’s visit on Thursday to the Mexican border was overshadowed by a jacket she wore with the words “I really don’t care, do u?” scrawled on the back. Not to be outdone, Trump has writing on the back of all his jackets too:

16. A 3-year-old girl is safe after spending the night in a rural Missouri cornfield, with her faithful dog by her side. Said the girl, “I wouldn’t have made it without Rover, he was delicious.”

17. Phil Mickelson hit a moving ball on the 13th green during the third round of golf’s U.S. Open on Saturday. “He hit a moving ball? That’s impossible.” said every single Miami Marlin.

18. In a new interview former White House aid Steve Bannon claims that president Trump has “never told a lie.” Adding, “In fact, just the other day he told me I was very handsome and a sharp dresser”:

19. It was announced this week that Robert Patterson, the acting administrator of the Drug Enforcement Administration, will retire at the end of the month. Patterson said he wants to spend more time at home narcing on his family.

20. According to a new study, people who are married may be less likely to die from a heart attack or stroke than individuals who aren’t. “That’s a real chicken or the egg type problem for me,” said Melania.

April 13, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. The White House announced that for the second year in a row, President Trump will skip the Correspondents Dinner. And, for the 40th year in a row he will skip Don Jr.’s birthday dinner:

2. A man who was stabbed in the back during a bar fight last week, ordered another drink with the knife still in his back. And despite having a fucking knife in his back, it still took him a good twenty minutes to get the bartender’s attention.

3. A sperm bank in Beijing has set strict criteria for would-be donors, including a requirement that they pledge their loyalty to China’s ruling Communist Party. Luckily you only need one hand to take a pledge.

4. On Monday, FBI agents raided President Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen’s offices located at Rockefeller Center in New York City. In response, workers started putting up the tree because it feels like Christmas came early this year:

5. Experts are speculating as to how North Korean leader Kim Jong Un would travel to potential summit with President Trump due to North Korea’s lack of modern aircraft that can reliably fly across oceans. “Here’s a solution, hold the summit in the middle of the Pacific Ocean,” said Malaysian Airlines.

6. Voice actor Chuck McCann, best known as the voice behind the “I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs” bird, died on Monday at the age of 83. And I gotta say, if the best thing I’m known for when I die is voicing a cereal mascot, maybe just say you probably don’t know this guy.

7. Dino Sajudin, a former doorman at a Trump building, confirmed reports that the National Enquirer paid Sajudin $30,000 to prevent him from publicizing a rumor that Donald Trump fathered a child out of wedlock. Said Trump, “Oh, please, let it be Eric”:

8. This week, a turtle that breaths through its genital was added to the endangered species list. Making that two slimy reptiles whose genitals apparently need a lot of air that are now endangered:

9. Uber on Tuesday unveiled a new app for its drivers that includes a real-time earnings tracker. Because the one thing I want from my Uber driver is for them to be on their phone more.

10. This week, a former aspiring model confronted Bill Cosby at his retrial after testified against him saying, “You remember, don’t you Mr. Cosby?” Said Cosby, “I remember, but I’m surprised you do, I gave you a lot of drugs.”

11. Brothers Erik and Lyle Menendez, who were convicted in 1989 of murdering their parents, are together again and housed at the same California state prison. Erik and Lyle said being together again makes them reminiscent of old times and sad that they don’t have any more parents to kill together.

12. On Monday, the FBI raided the offices of President Trump’s longtime personal lawyer Michael Cohen, seizing records relating to payments made to pornographic-film actress Stormy Daniels. “He should have hid that stuff underneath his mattress,” said every 15 year old boy.

13. Vietnam’s culture ministry has issued a directive against “inappropriate” statues after images of godlike sculptures with animal heads and human genitalia stoked controversy. Censoring statues seems crazy, but Vietnam may have a point:

14. On Monday, at Bill Cosby’s new trial, a woman protested topless. Cosby was shocked to see a woman topless woman who was also conscious.

15. Over the weekend, comedian Seth Meyer’s wife gave birth to the couple’s second child in the lobby of their New York City apartment building. Which is still not the worst planned entry someone has made into a NYC lobby in the past few years:

16. Over the weekend, comedian Seth Meyer’s wife gave birth to the couple’s second child in the lobby of their New York City apartment building. And, because it happened in the lobby, the doorman signed for the delivery.

17. On Tuesday, actor T.J. Miller, star of ‘The Emoji Movie,’ was arrested after allegedly calling in a bomb threat from an Amtrak train. Being attached to a bomb is something Miller will always carry with him and also the train thing isn’t good either.

18. Scientists have determined that a dead whale that washed ashore in the Mediterranean Sea died because it consumed 64 pounds of trash. Or, as it’s known at Arby’s, a number 2.

19. According to ‘The New York Post,’ women are lining up to date newly single, former-mayor Rudy Giuliani. That story again, Rudy Giuliani is now writing for ‘The New York Post.’

20. The Miami Marlins, who lost to the New York Mets on Wednesday night, had less fans in attendance than by their Double-A affiliate, the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp. ‘Jumbo Shrimp’ is an oxymoron much like ‘Marlins fan.’

March 16, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Pornstar Stormy Daniels said that the recent news surrounding her alleged affair with President Trump has been great for business. In fact, to accommodate the increase in demand, Stormy is looking for new holes on her body.

2. Over the weekend, a woman in her underwear rode a horse into a night club in Miami Beach. Said the other people in the club at the time, “WOW! This is some good cocaine!”

3. This week, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk said that the first spaceship that can potential carry people to Mars is not an escape hatch for rich people. Said rich people, “Okay, then can we send all the poor people to Mars?”

4. This week, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk said that the first spaceship that can potential carry people to Mars is not an escape hatch for rich people. So it looks like Scarsdale, New York will be able to keep its motto:

5. Zayn Malik and Gigi Hadid have reportedly broken up. News that in no way will affect my desire to ever know who either of those people are.

6. According to a new study, the U.S. spends about twice what other high-income nations do on health care but has the lowest life expectancy and the highest infant mortality rates. Or, as it was reported by the Trump administration, America is #1 across the board!

7. On Tuesday, while visiting San Diego to view prototypes of the border wall, President Trump said the wall needed to be very high because the Mexicans they are dealing with are “professional mountain climbers.” Said Melania, “Teach me”:

8. This week, United Airlines wrongly shipped a 10-year-old German shepherd named Irgo to Japan instead of Kansas. But the family that received the dog in Japan wants to let its family back in Kansas know that Irgo, “is safe and delicious.”

9. According to a recently reported story, poor Afghan farming family named their son Donald Trump, hoping for good luck, but the choice has only brought misfortune. “Yeah, I could have told you that,” said Trump:

10. Tennessee officials are searching for a suspect who stole $75,000 worth of medical screws from a doctor’s car. The last time that many screws were missing from a medical professional, Ben Carson was still a brain surgeon.

11. During a speech Saturday night, President Trump called for enacting the death penalty for drug dealers. A position that Trump will undoubtedly change once he learns that Propecia and Viagra are drugs.

12. This week, Former ‘Blossom’ star and 90s heartthrob Joey Lawrence filed for bankruptcy. Begging the question, what took so long?

13. Russian President Vladimir Putin said he “couldn’t care less” if Russian citizens tried to meddle in the 2016 US election. “Oh my God, we have so much in common,” said President Trump.

14. Hillary Clinton told an audience over the weekend that while she thought President Trump played to some of Americans’ worst fears, the U.S. as a whole does “not deserve,” Trump. Even more proof that while campaigning in 2016, Hillary didn’t visit the whole country.

15. Greece indefinitely suspended its Superleague soccer games on Monday after the owner of the club PAOK Salonika was filmed wearing a gun holster as he strode onto the pitch to protest about a disallowed goal. Said President Trump, “Would he be interested in teaching gym class?”

16. During a rally over the weekend, President Trump told the people of Pennsylvania to “vote like crazy.” But assume Trump misspoke and meant to say “vote for crazy”:

17. According to ‘The Washington Post,’ President Trump still sees Ivanka as “his little girl,” And Tiffany as his “Who?”

January 5, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. A group of Egyptian soccer players have formed a team for one-legged players. That story again, a group of Egyptians invented foosball:

2. According to a soon-to-be released book, President Trump strips the linens off his own bed in the White House. Or, as it is known when he’s in Russia, destroying the evidence.

3. In response to Steve Bannon’s recent critical comments, President Trump said, “When [Bannon] was fired, he not only lost his job, he lost his mind.” And, according to Anthony Scaramucci, he also lost a few ribs:

4. According to excerpts from an upcoming tell-all book, First Lady Melania Trump didn’t want Donald to win the presidency, and cried on election night. But, to be fair, Melania cries most nights.

5. On Tuesday, Utah Senator Orinn Hatch announced that he is retiring after serving over four decades in Congress. Hopefully they’ll be able to find another old white guy somewhere in Utah to replace him.

6. Vin Diesel was the highest grossing actor of 2017. While Kevin Spacey was the gross-est.

7. According to Google, ‘Hurricane Irma’ and ‘Matt Lauer’ were among the top searched terms of 2017. Apparently people were interested in finding out more about a devastating event that ruined many peoples lives and Hurricane Irma.

8. On Monday, 400 fans braved 2-degree temperatures to greet the Bills at Buffalo Niagara International Airport after Buffalo beat Miami Sunday to clinch its first playoff berth in 17 years. Because nothing says celebration like leaving Miami for Buffalo in the middle of December.

9. Tuesday morning, NBC announced that longtime correspondent Hoda Kotb will permanently replace Matt Lauer as co-anchor of the ‘Today Show.’ Said Lauer, “Two women … NICE!”

10. Tuesday morning, NBC announced that longtime correspondent Hoda Kotb will permanently replace Matt Lauer as co-anchor of the ‘Today Show.’ Which means Hoda will leave her current role as co-host of the ‘Today Show’s’ fourth hour and co-host Kathie Lee will question if Hoda ever existed or was just a Chardonnay-fueled hallucination.

11. President Trump rang in the new year the same way he has for more than a decade, holding an opulent gala at his Mar-a-Lago club. While Melania also rang in the new year in her typical fashion, by being as far away from Donald as possible when the clock struck midnight

12. President Trump said on Monday the United States has “foolishly” handed Pakistan more than $33 billion in aid over the last 15 years while getting nothing in return. Which explains Trump’s new nickname for Pakistan, “Don Jr.”

13. After five and half years, Guy Fieri’s American Kitchen & Bar restaurant in Times Square is closing its doors. “Thank God, it was really bringing property values in the area down,” said a guy in an Elmo costume masturbating in an alley.

14. According to new research, people who drink hot tea daily may be less likely to develop glaucoma symptoms. Which means the Queen smokes the ganj because she’s chill as fuck:

15. Boxer Mike Tyson is opening a marijuana resort on 40-acres of land in the remote Mojave Desert. A boxer with a notorious quick temper and an unlimited supply of mood altering drugs all taking place on a piece of land very far away from civilization, what could go wrong?

July 14, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump on Saturday promised $639 million in aid to feed people left starving because of conflict in Somalia, South Sudan, Nigeria and Yemen. Which, I assume he thinks are neighborhoods in Chicago.

2. Last week, an Oklahoma man proposed to his girlfriend as he was being arrested in his driveway on six felony warrants. Said the arresting officer, “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you. I’m not reading you your Miranda rights, I’m just telling you how marriage works.”

3. In a new interview, while speaking about his trip to Germany, President Trump said “It was a great G20. We had 20 countries.” Adding, “And I know that for sure, because I took off my shoes to count.”

4. Kid Rock announced on Wednesday that he is running for Senate in 2018. And though the race is still far away, we already now his opponent will be common sense.

5. A California man was caught driving a stolen vehicle on his way to make a court appearance on a previous auto theft charge. Said his buddy in the passenger who was getting a lift to his murder trial, “Please don’t look in the trunk.”

6. United Airlines destroyed a passenger’s $42,000 custom wheelchair. Said United, “Or, maybe, just maybe, we provided that customer with the necessary motivation to finally walk again.”

7. While in Paris on Thursday, President Trump looked French First Lady Brigitte Macron up-and-down and said, “You’re in such good shape.” In response, Mrs. Macron looked Trump up-and-down and said, “Nice weather we’re having.”

8. This week, New Kids on the Block singer Donnie Wahlberg left a $2,000 tip at a Waffle House in North Carolina. Said the employees of that Waffle House, “I think we’re paying Donnie too much.”

9. New York City cops busted a crazed woman who sprayed lighter fluid all over a Duane Reade in the Port Authority early Tuesday morning. Crazed? Really? I’m calling bullshit if you’ve ever been in the Port Authority and not felt the urge to burn that place to the ground.

10. A new study found that breast implants seem to provide some protection against gunshots, altering the speed and shape of bullets as they hit the body. Although, unfortunately, no protection against hepatitis C:

11. Kentucky Fried Chicken celebrated its 30th anniversary of operations in China by unveiling a limited edition smartphone. Which means the Samsung Galaxy that unexpectedly bursts into flames is now the second worst cellphone for your health.

12. One of two baby peregrine falcons born on the University of California, Berkeley campus died Wednesday after flying into a window. Seems like that bird was more UCLA material if you ask me.

13. Rapper Ice Cube was ninety minutes late for a performance at a marijuana festival because his car broke down and he had to take an Uber to the show. Of course, since it was a weed festival, he was still the first one there.

14. Prisoner O.J. Simpson is worried that his July 20th parole hearing will be a media circus and the officials will deny his release because of the press. And at least a little bit because he killed his wife and a waiter.

15. The Dallas Cowboys are the world’s most valuable sports team, according to the annual list published by Forbes on Wednesday. While the Cleveland Browns somehow owe Forbes money.

16. Over the weekend, White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus said President Trump “was a star in Hamburg and no one can take that away.” Priebus is right, I can’t think of a single time a world leader was a star in Germany and then subsequently had that title taken away from him. Not a single one.

17. Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria is reportedly suing Kenneth Sack, a fan of the team and former season ticket holder. If found guilty, Sack could be sentenced to ten more years as a Marlins fan.

18. The World Health Organization is warning of a gonorrhea superbug that is quickly spreading around the globe. That story again, Russell Brand is back on the dating scene.

19. Last week, Moninda Marube, a professional long distance runner from Kenya, outran two bears while training in the woods of Maine. Actually Marube did’t outrun that bears so much as he outran his former running partner Glenn. RIP Glenn.

20. New York Senator Charles Schumer is asking the FDA to regulate a new snortable chocolate powder. “Back off Schumer, I need this!” said the Nesquick rabbit:

21. Actor Shia LaBeouf was arrested in Georgia early Saturday morning on charges of disorderly conduct and public intoxication. Begging the question, do you know how drunk you have to be to be considered too drunk in Georgia?

22. On Twitter Wednesday, actor Shia LaBeouf said his racist tirade against a Georgia police officer was a “new low.” Although I’d beg to differ because I saw his performance in that ‘Indiana Jones’ movie.

23. President Trump’s first face-to-face meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin, which took place Friday at the G20 Summit and was scheduled for thirty minutes, lasted over two hours. But, that only’s because Trump insists on cuddling afterwards.

24. President Trump’s first face-to-face meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin, which took place Friday at the G20 Summit and was scheduled for thirty minutes, lasted over two hours. But, you know what they say, time flies when you’re inadvertently disclosing classified information to a foreign enemy.

25. According to a new study, unpaid family and friends provide the overwhelming majority of care to the elderly in their last years of life. Although, if they paid better, maybe it wouldn’t be the last years of their lives.

June 5, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last Thursday, a man climbed a 30-foot-tall bulldozer on a crowded Miami freeway, stripped naked and masturbated in plain view during rush hour. Causing a handful of motorists to use their windshield wipers even though it wasn’t raining.

2. In a recent interview, White House aide Kellyanne Conway said that President Trump will never stop tweeting. And it’s kinda hard to argue since, apparently, he even tweeted mid-stroke:

3. The Utah Attorney General’s Office said that a man suing the state has no constitutional right to marry his laptop computer. Because you know, just like Trump, in a couple of years, he’s gonna trade it in for a newer model.

4. Though the number of American teenagers having babies has dropped over the past half century, a new study finds regional clusters with strikingly high teen birth rates. Yeah, those clusters are called the South.

5. The Olympics will reportedly add 3-on-3 basketball to the 2020 Games. And, if you think that’s interesting, LeBron’s been playing 1-on-5 basketball for years.

6. Massachusetts Institute of Technology officials said President Trump badly misunderstood their research when he cited it on Thursday to justify withdrawing the U.S. from the Paris Climate Agreement. But, in Trump’s defense, if they wanted him to understand it better, they should have included more pictures, preferably ones that pop-up.

7. A group of investors that includes Bob Marley’s son Damian has purchased High Times magazine for $70 million. And, if this is the first you’re hearing about the purchase, hi Damian.

8. While delivering a speech Saturday night in Iowa, Vice President Mike Pence reassured conservatives that President Trump will deliver on his campaign promise to boost the economy. Just like he built the wall … er, drained the swamp … well, there’s a first for everything.

9. On Saturday, U.S. Ambassador to the U.N., Nikki Haley, said President Trump believes in climate change. But that vote of confidence should be taken with a grain of salt because Trump also once told Eric that he believed in him as well.

10. In a new interview, Russian President Vladimir Putin said he hardly spoke with former U.S. National Security Adviser Michael Flynn when they sat next to each other at a Moscow dinner in 2015. “I completely understand that,” said Trump:

April 13, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a new interview, President Trump appeared to waiver in his support for his chief strategist Steve Bannon. Which can only mean on thing, Trump has met a younger, hotter morbidly obese anti-semite who looks like he’s made of leprosy and bacon-cheeseburgers.

2. In a new interview, President Trump appeared to waiver in his support for his chief strategist Steve Bannon. If Trump fires Bannon he’ll have to find a new guy he can stand next to in order to look healthy by comparison.

3. On Tuesday night’s episode of “The O’Reilly Factor,” host Bill O’Reilly announced that he is going on a pre-planned vacation. “What a coincidence, us too!” said his sponsors.

4. Yesterday, while visiting an affordable housing complex in Miami, HUD Secretary Dr. Ben Carson got stuck in an elevator. Not to be outdone, Secretary of Energy Rick Perry has been stuck on a broken escalator for the past two weeks:

5. In a recent interview, President Trump revealed that he gave the final go-ahead to bomb Syria while eating chocolate cake with the President of China. Trump said it was the hardest decision thus far he’s had to make as President but ultimately he went with the chocolate cake.

6. In a recent interview, President Trump revealed that he gave the final go-ahead to bomb Syria while eating chocolate cake with the President of China. But, in Trump’s defense, there is a history of Presidents making huge geopolitical decisions over dessert:

7. Yesterday, when asked if recent events in Syria had changed his opinion on Putin, President Trump said, “Putin is the leader of Russia. Russia is a strong country.” To read more of President Trump’s statements you can refer to little Timmy Gilbert 3rd grade book report on Russia.

8. White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said on Wednesday he had let down President Trump with his “inexcusable and reprehensible” comments concerning Adolf Hitler. But don’t worry Sean, Trump has ample experience in handling being let down:

9. ‘Saturday Night Live’ is being accused of plagiarizing a sketch from noted comedian Tig Notaro. Even more damning, apparently Alec Baldwin has been pretending to be Donald Trump on SNL and quoting him word-for-word for weeks.

10. The day after White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer apologized over his inappropriate comment about Adolf Hitler, North Dakota Representative Kevin Cramer said Spicer’s comment is “not without some merit.” That story again, man waves down the Titanic to make sure it doesn’t leave without him.