August 5, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Eric Trump appeared on CBS This Morning on Tuesday and defended his father’s ongoing feud with the family of veteran, saying, “What I think this country needs is a fighter.” And you’ve need seen anyone fight harder than Donald Trump when Eric goes in for a hug.

2. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said of the New York Times, “they don’t write good.” And, technically he’s correct, because whenever they’re writing about Trump, they’re writing evil.

3. Actor Antonio Sabato Jr. says, after speaking at the Republican National Convention, he has been blacklisted and can’t get a job in liberal Hollywood. And, also, before the speech.

4. According to a new study, millennials would rather go online than have sex. This according to every 20-something-year-old girl who didn’t even look up from her phone to reject me.

5. A London man was arrested on Tuesday after driving a car packed with marijuana the wrong way on a highway for five miles. Said the man, “Did you ever think that maybe they were the ones driving the wrong way?”

6. According to a new study, enjoying bad, trashy films is linked to a higher level of intelligence. “I await my Peabody Award,” said Adam Sandler.

7. Regarding Donald Trump’s controversial rhetoric, one Trump advisor said the problem is that Trump is always watching TV and then gets angry at what he sees and reacts. So, he is just like us:
yelling tv

8. Yesterday, to celebrate President Obama’s 55th birthday, Vice President Joe Biden tweeted out a picture of two friendship bracelets made out of yarn and embroidered with the names ‘Joe’ and ‘Barack.’ Presumably because the White House kitchen ran out of dried macaroni and glitter.

9. Yesterday, the paparazzi snapped photos of actor Orlando Bloom completely naked on a paddleboard with bikini-clad girlfriend Katy Perry while on vacation in Sardinia. Thus disappointing every guy who has a Google alert set up for articles containing the words ‘Katy Perry’ and ‘naked.’

10. President Obama said on Thursday that Donald Trump will get national security briefings as required by law ahead of the election. During which, I’m guessing, Trump’s first question will be, “Who’s this narcissistic billionaire real estate tycoon that’s threatening our national security that’s mentioned in every one of these briefings?”

11. The apartment of the only black firefighter in a small upstate New York town recently burned to the ground in a case of suspected arson. Which is a pretty rough way to find out you’re not very good at your job.

12. Rappers 50 Cent and The Game ended their twelve year beef by going to a strip club together. Or, as Bill Clinton refers to it, diplomacy.

13. Russia’s Foreign Minister said on Monday that U.S. accusations that Moscow was behind a hack of Democratic National Committee computers were insulting. Adding, “Everyone knows we love the Democratic party, especially comrade Bernie.”

14. Race car driver Daniel Ricciardo celebrated his German Gran Prix win over the weekend by drinking champagne out of his sweaty boot. Which, I’m pretty sure is how they make Miller Light.

15. After New York City installed over 300 free Wi-Fi kiosks throughout the city, there has been an uptick in reports of homeless men using the stations to watch porn and pleasure themselves in public. An outcome that was completely unforeseeable unless they asked literally anyone.
 
16. When asked to comment on the Democratic Convention getting higher ratings, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said, “I didn’t produce our show. I just showed up for the final speech.” If he didn’t produce it, I’d hate to be the guy who told him the lineup of speakers before him:
speakers
 
17. Simon Wheatcroft, a blind marathoner, made it across the 150 mile Namibian desert by himself with only the aid of an app on his smartphone. Although, the feat becomes less impressive once you learn that app was Uber.

18. A Cincinnati man has been charged after investigators say he broke into a historic home, took off all of his clothes and was found naked, drinking Pina Colada mix. But, to fair, he took off his clothes because he got caught in the rain.

19. According to a new survey, 67% of U.S. adults say it’s at least sometimes appropriate for doctors to discuss guns with patients during check-ups. While the remaining 33% say, “No, how bout YOU turn YOUR head and cough.”

20. A woman in Alaska drove her dead husband’s casket around in her car for days. Said the woman, “I refuse to stop and ask for directions because that’s the way he would have wanted it.”

21. Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, in jail on corruption charges, has reportedly started a rock band with fellow inmates. And, they’ve already got some groupies:
criminals

22. At a campaign rally in Colorado on Friday, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said, “No more Mr. Nice Guy.” Begging the question, what is Trump planning on doing to Tim Kaine?

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