Monologue Jokes – March 3, 2020

1. This week McDonald’s announced that it will sell a limited edition six-pack of candles that smell like Quarter Pounder ingredients including ketchup, pickles, cheese, onion and beef. So, your move, Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina. 

2. A man in Wisconsin was arrested last week for allegedly stealing chicken wings and condoms from a Walmart. He was either planning one hell of a night or I’ve been eating chicken wings wrong. 

3. Officials at a library in California are upset after recently discovering that an adult film was shot in the building. And if they’re upset by that, maybe they shouldn’t check the library computer’s search history. 

4. Last week, a U.K. patient underwent brain surgery while playing a violin. Look, if I want to listen to a musician with a brain injury play an instrument, I’d go to a Ted Nugent concert.

5. This week, Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg revealed, that even though his mother passed away several years ago at the age of 102, he still pays for her home’s phone line so he can call and hear her voice on the answering machine. Because nothing’s more relatable with today’s electorate than needless expenses and landlines. 

6. This week, Democratic presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg revealed, that even though his mother passed away several years ago at the age of 102, he still pays for her home’s phone line so he can call and hear her voice on the answering machine. He’s also opened up a quaint bed and breakfast with her as well:

7. According to reports, former Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein was in good spirits on Tuesday, as he accepted visitors at a Manhattan hospital, despite having been convicted a day earlier of sexual assault and rape. Said an elated Weinstein, “All I have to do is press this button and legally the nurse has to give me a sponge bath.” 

8. A soccer player in France has been suspended for five years after biting the penis of an opponent during an altercation after a match. He was also given a red card for using his hands to cup the balls.

9. It was reported this week that Steven Spielberg’s daughter Mikaela is making pornographic movies. “Oh God, that’s awful. Why would anyone put that on film?” said people after watching ‘Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull.’ 

10. According to a new study, erectile dysfunction pills can permanently distort one’s vision. “His or mine?” said a very hopeful Melania.

11. Three dolphins have been shot or stabbed in Florida since May. Police have named their top suspect, a Ray Finkle: 

12. During a rally, President Donald Trump ridiculed South Korean film “Parasite” winning the Best Picture Oscar, telling a campaign rally he wished for the return of Hollywood classics like “Gone with the Wind.” And you know Trump really hated that movie if he’s taking the side of wind:

13. On Wednesday, the Broadway play “To Kill a Mockingbird” was performed at Madison Square Garden for 18,000 public school students. “Oh, thank God!” said the students once they realized they were watching a three-hour long play based on a book written in the 1950s about race relations and not the Knicks.

14. Disney has announced a new partnership with the plant-based meat company Impossible Foods to offer the Impossible Burger at their resorts and parks. “Just in time,” said Eeyore:

15. A man in Florida was recently arrested at an IHOP restaurant for allegedly asking customers if they wanted to see his genitals. “But I asked this time?!?!?!” said a very confused Louis CK.

16. Despite potentially facing more than two decades in prison, Harvey Weinstein is “not giving up on life,” according to his spokesman. “Man, this guy really is bad at taking ‘No’ for an answer,” said Life.

17. Doctors are warning that putting potatoes up your butt won’t cure hemorrhoids. So I guess it was something else that cured my hemorrhoids.

18. This week, President Trump appointed Vice President Mike Pence to lead the federal task force to get to the bottom of the coronavirus. And, in future news, the coronavirus is caused by gays.

19. According to a spokesman, after his conviction, Harvey Weinstein is going “stir crazy” sitting in his hospital room. But, in Weinstein defense, you’d be pretty stir crazy too if you were trapped in a room with just Harvey Weinstein.

February 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. In a recent interview, Donald Trump’s wife Melania said her husband’s ‘amazing mind’ helped her fall for him. So I guess ‘mind’ translates to ‘money’ in Slovenian.

2. Engineers in Boston have unveiled a humanoid robot that can withstand getting pushed in the chest by a hockey stick without falling over. Now comes the robot’s hardest test, dating Chris Brown.

3. A bill approved this week in Iowa’s state House, would allow children of all ages to be allowed to use handguns with adult supervision. Said one armed-toddler to his mother, “Now, I’ll ask you again, do I have to take a nap today?”

4. Ben Carson said Thursday he has no plans to leave the presidential race anytime soon, despite his poor showings in the last four contests. And no one is more upset than me, because I won’t be able to make my ‘Carson is black history in Black History month’ joke. (I snuck it in anyway).

5. According to a New York Times report, nearly 300 U.S. residents have applied for jobs at Donald Trump’s Mar-a-lago residence, but only 17 have been hired. But, in Trump’s defense, many of those American workers weren’t rejected but instead wait-listed until a position becomes open like head chef or fourth wife

6. O.J. Simpson has been critical of Cuba Gooding Jr., who was cast to play him in the FX series about the infamous murder trial, saying the actor was too short and had too small of a head. Simpson went on to criticize the entire show saying, on the night of the murder, Nicole didn’t scream that much and there was a lot more blood.

7. According to airport executives, Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport, the world’s busiest airport, would prefer to be called “the world’s most-traveled airport.” And, in related news, Nadya Sulemon, the Octomom, would prefer it if you called her “the world’s most traveled uterus,”

8. A Canadian man was arrested after trying to smuggled 38 turtles into the U.S. Smuggling 38 turtles in your pants seems like a bad idea, especially after you find out that they were snapping turtles.

9. A South Carolina police officer was recently arrested for masturbating in his patrol car. The arrest marks the first time in history that a motorist got a ticket but also got off.

10. On Monday, Camille Cosby, the wife of embattled comedian Bill Cosby, was deposed at a hotel in Massachusetts in the civil suit against her husband. After the deposition Bill Cosby was in good spirits because, as he said, “No ever remembers anything that happens in a hotel.”

11. On Friday, famous author Harper Lee died at the age of 89. Lee is survived by a lot of very happy mockingbirds.

12. According to a new study, South Dakota is the state that gets the most sleep. Because, apparently, boredom-induced comas count as sleep.

13. According to a new study, Hawaii is the state that gets the least sleep. Specifically, the area around Pearl Harbor, still pretty jumpy there.

14. Last week, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker signed a law allowing people to carry concealed switchblades. And, in related news, Wisconsin’s Jet on Shark violence has increased by 1000%.

15. According to reports, former U.S. Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney will endorse Marco Rubio in the race for the party’s presidential nomination. Which is disappointing news to Hillary Clinton’s husband Bill who wanted access to Romney’s binders full of women.

16. According to a new poll, a majority of Americans believe it should be up to President Obama to nominate the next Supreme Court justice. Although, the results should be taken with a grain of salt since, when they were informed of the opening on the court, most Americans responded “Oh no, what happened to Judge Judy!?!”

17. On Friday, physicist Stephen Hawking unveiled the new Virgin Galactic spaceship and named it Unity in a recorded speech. But, when you think about it, isn’t every Stephen Hawking speech a recorded speech?

18. On Friday, Virgin Galactic unveiled a new passenger spacecraft and Virgin CEO Richard Branson offered famed British physicist Stephen Hawking the first trip into space. Meaning they will have to wait until the second trip to attempt the first space walk.

July 17, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Thursday, TLC officially cancelled “19 Kids and Counting,” nearly two months after revelations about acts of child molestation committed by Josh Duggar, one of the kids, when he was a teenager. The Duggars are reportedly already shopping a new show entitled “18 Kids and Counting.”

2. When asked on Thursday her opinion of the Iran nuclear deal, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton said she does not trust the Iranians. Which can only mean on thing, she will marry the Iranians.

3. Movie star Johnny Depp’s wife, Amber Heard, has been charged with illegally bringing the couple’s Yorkshire terriers into Australia. Experts believe Australia is doing this purely for publicity and chose to charge Heard instead of Depp because they wanted people to actually see it.

4. Rick Perry on Thursday slammed Republican presidential rival Donald Trump for “a toxic mix of demagoguery and nonsense” on immigration and said he has a “fundamental misunderstanding” about securing the border. So, once again, Trump has accomplished the unthinkable, making Rick Perry sound smart.

5. After cutting ties with Donald Trump, NBC is reportedly in talks with comedian George Lopez to take over “the Celebrity Apprentice.” Said Trump, “Who’d Lopez have to murder and/or rape to get that job?”

6. In a recent interview, singer Justin Bieber said he graduated high school with a 4.0 GPA. Which can only mean one thing, he didn’t have to take a music appreciation class.

7. “To Kill a Mockingbird” author Harper Lee wrote yet another book that remains unpublished, a close friend said on Tuesday, the day the writer’s second novel “Go Set a Watchman” went on sale. “Alright. Enough. We surrender,” said high school students.

8. Last week a man in Pennsylvania was arrested for allegedly flying across the country to have sex with a horse. Proving that long-distance relationships never work.

9. According to reports, the Pentagon could in the coming months lift the ban on transgender people openly serving in the U.S. military. Said Defense Secretary Ash Carter, “Keep your privates private, Private.”

10. Rapper 50 Cent filed for bankruptcy protection on Monday. Turns out it was not sound financial advice to “sip Bacardi like it’s your birfday.”

11. In a recent interview, Senator Lindsey Graham called fellow Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump a ‘wrecking ball’ that is causing damage to the party. What were the odds, coming into this election, that a Republican candidate would be referred to as a ‘wrecking ball’ and it wouldn’t be Chris Christie?

12. Australia announced that it will give citizenship to rich Americans who are willing to bring their cash and entrepreneurial talent Down Under. Hold on a second, Australia, I think I have Donald Trump’s phone number around here somewhere.

13. President Obama became the first sitting president to tour a federal prison on Thursday. Although, if he got the real prison experience, he wouldn’t be a ‘sitting’ president any time soon.

July 13, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, Italian Cyclist Luca Paolini tested positive for cocaine following the fourth stage of the Tour de France. Officials became suspicious after Paolini finished those four stages without using a bike.

2. The Swiss attorney general’s office said on Sunday it has collected 81 reports of suspicious financial activity linked to FIFA’s decision to let Russia and Qatar host upcoming World Cup tournaments. “81 reports isn’t that many,” said Camille Cosby.

3. Mexico’s most notorious and dangerous drug lord Joaquin ‘El Chapo’ Guzman broke out of a high security prison for the second time, escaping in a tunnel built right under his cell. Which, I assume, has Donald Trump really nervous right about now.

4. During a speech in Arizona on Saturday, presidential candidate Donald Trump made fun of Secretary of State John Kerry for breaking his leg in a bike accident. And, to be fair, Trump is in pretty good shape and quite flexible from patting himself on the back so much.

5. Donald Trump has vaulted into the a tie with Jeb Bush atop the field of Republican presidential candidates. This according to a Reuters poll and every one of Hillary Clinton’s wet dreams.

6. Republican presidential hopeful Donald Trump met in Los Angeles on Friday with families whose loved ones were killed by undocumented immigrants. Because, apparently, those families haven’t already suffered enough.

7. According to reports, the Spice Girls are planning on celebrating the 20-year anniversary of the release of their debut single ‘Wannabe’ next year with a special one-off performance. Unless, of course, their demands are met.

8. On Friday, NCAA President Mark Emmert said South Carolina can now host championship-level college sporting events after the Confederate flag was removed from the grounds of the state capitol. Because nothing says we disapprove of slavery like a giant organization that hauls in billions of dollars on the backs of unpaid athletes.

9. The first chapter of Harper Lee’s second novel was released on Friday, showing her “To Kill a Mockingbird” character Scout Finch as a sexually-liberated young woman and her father Atticus Finch battling rheumatoid arthritis. Critics describe it as “50 Shades of Grey” meets just plain gray.

10. According to draft legislation, Mexico City could become the first city in the world to enforce a minimum car value of 250,000 pesos, which is roughly $16,000. Said one prospective Mexican Uber driver, “So I bought this donkey for nothing?”

March 13, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Spanish-language television network Univision fired contributor Rodner Figueroa after he likened first lady Michelle Obama to a cast member of the film “Planet of the Apes.” And, in unrelated news, President Obama is reportedly reconsidering his immigration policy.

2. According to a new study, getting on the scale every day may boost enthusiasm for healthy behaviors and lead to greater weight loss. Or, more likely, you throwing out your scale.

3. Akron police are looking for an unidentified man who has defecated on the hoods of at least 19 vehicles. Authorities believe the number could be hirer but it is impossible for Toyota Carolla owners to tell the difference between their car and a piece of shit.

4. Professional basketball player Iman Shumpert is angry, alleging the TV show “Empire” ripped him off by basing a character on him. While Dennis Rodman says “Downton Abbey” is basically his life story.

5. It was announced yesterday that actress Kerry Washington will play the part of Anita Hill in an upcoming HBO film. “I’m available to run lines,” said Clarence Thomas.

6. On Thursday, Disney announced that the eighth installment in the “Star Wars” sci-fi film series will be released on May 26, 2017. Said Star Wars fans, “I haven’t been this excited about a date since I took my cousin to prom.”

7. An Alabama agency has closed an investigation into whether Harper Lee, the 88-year-old author of “To Kill a Mockingbird,” was manipulated into the publication of a second novel after she made it clear that she wanted it in print. Although, the majority of the investigation was explaining to the people of Alabama what a book is.

8. According to health experts, a world free of tobacco and its devastating health consequences could be a reality within 30 years. Although, I think those health experts are drastically underestimating the lifespan of Keith Richards.

9. A federal jury on Thursday awarded $76,000 to seven fans who sued the National Football League over a seating fiasco at the 2011 SuperBowl. Said the NFL, “Does anyone have change for $100 billion?”

10. A condolence letter from President Lyndon B. Johnson to the widow of slain civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. was sold for $60,000 at auction on Thursday. While the condolence letter to the widow of James Earl Ray sold for considerably less.

11. After hearing testimony from a valet that he saw former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez carrying a gun, testimony from a ballistics expert that bullets found in Hernandez’s rental car matched those used to kill Odin Lloyd and testimony from a police officer that Hernandez’s DNA was found at the crime scene, yesterday, the judge instructed the jury to disregard testimony from a gun expert. Said the judge, “Much like what the defendant is being accused of, at this point, this testimony is overkill.”

12. Two men, one armed with a gun, were caught on camera late Tuesday morning mugging a South African journalist in Johannesburg as he prepared for a live TV report. But they’re pretty shitty criminals, because I’ve seen the video, which means they didn’t steal the cameras.

13. O.J. Simpson is reportedly worried that he’ll die in prison. Said O.J., “Everyone deserves the dignity of dying in their own home next to the waiter or waitress they’re boning.”

14. Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak said he remains committed to the search for the missing MH370 jetliner a year after it vanished without a trace. “Trust us, don’t continue to go down the path of a lost plane when everyone already knows it will just end in disappointment,” said the writers of “Lost.”

15. Last week, the TSA found a chihuahua in a passenger’s checked luggage at New York’s LaGuardia Airport. Authorities were relieved upon opening the suitcase to find the dog was still alive and not, as they initially thought, a normal-sized New York City rat.

16. A 25-year-old American man was rescued by the U.S. Coast Guard after he tried to walk from Detroit to Canada across a frozen lake. The man is known as idiot Jesus.

February 4, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, a medical marijuana company in Seattle unveiled a special SuperBowl strain of weed called Seahawks blend. Which finally answers the questions: What was Seattle’s offensive coordinator smoking?

2. According to police reports, disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong hit two parked cars after a night of partying in Aspen in December of last year but agreed to let his girlfriend take the blame to avoid national media attention. But, in Armstrong’s defense, he is a horrible person with no moral compass.

3. On Tuesday, it was announced that author Harper Lee will publish a sequel to her fifty-five year old novel “To Kill a Mockingbird.” The new book will finally answer all those unanswered questions, like, is Harper Lee still alive?

4. A juror in the murder trial of former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez was dismissed on Tuesday by the judge for talking about the case outside the courtroom. Or, as Hernandez refers it, snitching.

5. Felicity Jones, fresh off her Oscar-nominated role in the Stephen Hawking bio-pic “The Theory of Everything,” is the front-runner to star in an upcoming stand-alone Star Wars film. Jones is reportedly undecided as the film will also star R2D2 and she doesn’t want to get typecast as the actress who stars opposite mechanical androids with robotic voices.

6. Yesterday, Disney released five still images from “Frozen Fever,” the forthcoming seven-minute short film that updates its popular “Frozen” franchise. Because apparently Disney loves teasing your kids.

7. IOC president Thomas Bach attended Sunday’s SuperBowl but warned on Tuesday not to expect NFL players in the Olympics anytime soon. So it looks like another thin field in 2016’s wife tossing competition.

8. FoxNews is being sued by actress Lindsey Lohan and her mother Dina for defamation over a segment accusing the Lohans of doing cocaine. Said a FoxNews executive, “This is what we get for accurately reporting the news for once?”

9. Same-sex weddings could being in Alabama as soon as next week after a U.S. appeals court on Tuesday refused a request by the state’s attorney general to delay gay marriage. So if you’re gay and you live in Alabama, why?

10. Last week, Disney announced its newest princess will be Elena of Avalor, Disney’s first Latino princess. First Latino princess? Really? Because I vaguely remember Cinderella washing some dishes.