April 13, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. There is a new show on Quibi called ‘Murder House Flip’ where people renovate notorious homicide homes. “If this keeps up much longer, they’re gonna have a lot more homes to choose from,” said couples quarantined together. 

2. Last week, aides to Joe Biden said the likely Democratic nominee will arrange a call with President Trump to discuss the country’s response to the deadly coronavirus pandemic. Together they will tackle the nation’s biggest challenge, two 70-plus-year-old men trying to figure out a Zoom call:

 3. Walt Disney might require theme park visitors to have their temperatures checked when they reopen after coronavirus restrictions on public gatherings are lifted. “Bend over,” said Goofy:

4. Queen Elizabeth made a rare address to the nation last weekend to address the coronavirus pandemic. Wow, it must be so comforting to have a leader that rarely addresses the nation:

5. According to reports, President Trump has been advocating the use of hydrochloroquine to treat the coronavirus because Rudy Guiliani has been telling him that it works. Which explains Trump’s other suggested cure, marrying your first cousin.

6. Last Tuesday was National Beer Day. Said Americans, “What’s Tuesday?”

7. According to a new study, you can predict how many women a man has slept with by how funny he is. That story again, Rob Schneider is still a virgin.

8. A painting by Vincent van Gogh was stolen in an overnight raid at a Dutch museum. I’m jealous, not of the payday that will come from selling that masterpiece, but that they got out of their house and went to a museum. 

9. Over the weekend, “Saturday Night Live” returned to television with a new, remotely produced show. And I think i speak for everyone when I say, please, no one tell the producers of ‘God Friended Me” that’s possible.

10. Last week, author JK Rowling launched a ‘Harry Potter at Home’ online tool for kids in lockdown. Not to be outdone, Jared from Subway showed his tool to kids online and now he’s under lockdown.

11. According to a new study, cats can contract and pass the coronavirus. So that explains all the social distancing:

12. Last week, O.J. Simpson said that one of the stars of the Netflix docu-series ‘Tiger King’ definitely killed her husband. What makes him the authority on …. oh, right, right, right, the double murder thing.

13. The Democratic Party on Thursday postponed its presidential nominating convention by a month until August, citing the coronavirus health crisis. “So you’re telling me I still got a chance,” said Tulsi Gabbard.

14. A petition to name Dr. Anthony Fauci the “Sexiest Man Alive” is gaining momentum. Because if the virus keeps up, he will be the only man alive.

15. President Trump said Friday his administration was now recommending Americans wear “non-medical cloth” face coverings. Adding, “Especially the uggos.”

16. The Supreme Court on Friday postponed oral arguments scheduled for April as a result of the coronavirus and is considering alternative options for handling its outstanding cases. And those alternatives better involve Ruth Bader Ginsburg quarantined in the fucking Popemobile:

17. In a conference call with major league sports commissioners on Saturday, President Trump said he believes the NFL season should start on time in September. Although the football players weren’t enthusiastic about going back after the call, not because of the virus, but because they just got a firsthand look at the end-result of suffering severe brain damage:

18. Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger has been posting self-isolation videos of him eating meals at home with his tiny donkey and miniature horse. So I think it’s safe to assume Maria Shriver won that divorce.

19. According to reports, the King of Thailand is self-quarantining by renting out an entire hotel in Germany for himself and his twenty girlfriends. So at least we already know the epicenter of the next viral pandemic.

20. Last week, President Trump said he didn’t want to give the American people bad news during the coronavirus pandemic. Then maybe he should stop holding daily televised press conference reminding the American people that he’s still the president.

21. During a press conference last week, President Trump called himself a ‘cheerleader’ for the country. Marking the first time I’ve ever actually felt bad for Kellyanne Conway:

22. According to a new study, most Americans want the government to require mail-in ballots for the November presidential election if the coronavirus outbreak still threatens the public. Begging the question how much postage does it take to mail a ballot from Russia?

23. A group of clowns who usually entertain retirees in their rooms at seniors homes has taken to performing outside instead so their audience can watch from their windows while in coronavirus-enforced isolation. But if the seniors miss that show, don’t worry, this group of clowns puts on a performance on your tv everyday:

24. Last week, Dr. Anthony Fauci said he does not think people should shake hands “ever again.” “Look who was ahead of his time,” said President Trump:

25. This week, rapper Drake revealed that he has a Birkin bag collection that he purchased for his future wife. “Yeah, that’s why I had that pocketbook collection too,” said the ghost of Liberace.

September 29, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. During a speech in Alabama last week, President Trump said, “I might have made a mistake. I’ll be honest, I might have made a mistake.” Then he brought Eric on stage.

2. During a speech in Alabama last week, President Trump said that he might have moved to Alabama or Kentucky if he lost the 2016 election because “it’s nice to go to where people love you and you love them.” Also, they tend to look the other way on certain things:

3. Last week, Angela Merkel has won a fourth term as German Chancellor. “Alright, now that bitch is just rubbing it in,” said Hillary.

4. Last Friday, President Trump promised that North Korea’s Kim Jong Un “will be tested like never before.” So, he’s gonna make him do two push-ups?

5. On Saturday, President Trump disinvited the Golden State Warriors from taking the customary championship visit to the White House. “Looks like I gotta start working on another way to get invited to the White House,” said Eric:

6. As a sign of solidarity, Stevie Wonder took a knee while the National Anthem played at a concert on Sunday. Or, more likely, someone moved Stevie’s chair without telling him.

7. This week, Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Price told Fox News that he will no longer use private jets for government business. Adding, “Is it possible to rent the Popemobile?”

8. Former U.S. Representative Anthony Weiner was sentenced to 21 months in prison on Monday for sending sexually explicit messages to a 15-year-old girl. But, on the plus side, his lawyer was able to negotiate his one jailhouse phone call into five jailhouse text messages.

9. On Monday, a man at a Sri Lankan airport was found to be carrying over two pounds of gold hidden in his rectum. So when your boyfriend tells you he “went to Jared” ask him to be more specific.

10. Researchers have discovered that some species of frogs engage in sex orgies. So it may not be easy being green but it sounds like being green makes you easy.

11. New research shows that New York City is the most popular city to have a threesome. This according to a news article that Anthony Weiner keeps sending Huma from jail.

12. After Roy Moore won Alabama’s Republican Senate runoff Tuesday night, President Trump deleted tweets where he supported Moore’s opponent Luther Strange. Wait, Trump’s known how to delete tweets this whole time?!!?!:

13. According to reports, senior advisor to the president Jared Kushner is registered to vote in New York as a woman. Presumably because there wasn’t a box for ‘douchebag.’

14. According to reports, senior advisor to the president Jared Kushner is registered to vote in New York as a woman. So I guess Trump’s cabinet was much more diverse than we thought.

15. While appearing on Megyn Kelly’s new daytime show, Lyle Menendez said he regrets what he did every day. Although I have to believe agreeing to appear on the Megyn Kelly show is quickly climbing that list of regrets.

16. On Wednesday, Paul Horner, a leading purveyor of fake news in the 2016 presidential election, died at the age of 38. Horner died doing what he loved, getting gang-raped by a group of Mexican wrestlers while he orally pleasured a donkey or at least that’s what I read in an article online.

17. According to a new study, 215 million Americans watched the solar eclipse. The last time that many people gathered to watch a dark moment, the crowd was much smaller:

18. According to reports, The Trump administration plans to admit up to 45,000 refugees to the United States next year. Whereupon they will be released into the wild and Stephen Miller will be allowed to shoot them for sport:

19. China’s latest online star uses everyday office equipment to cook pancakes, hot pot and even flame-grilled fish at her desk. “Great, maybe she can get a new job now,” said the guy in the cubicle next to her.

20. This week, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner died at the age of 91. Thus marking the first time Hefner has ever caused men to use tissues for their intended purpose.

21. This week, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner died at the age of 91. The first person to find the body was the 26-year-old blonder he was lying on top of.

22. This week, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner died at the age of 91. But, on the plus side, due to rigamortis, it’s the stiffest he’s been in years.

23. An employe of the Buffalo Bills quit after the entire team took a knee during the national anthem last weekend. Which was a nice change of pace for most Buffalo fans who are used to the Bills quitting in the middle of games.

24. Florida corrections officials said on Thursday they had no indication from O.J. Simpson that he would move to the state after his upcoming release from a Nevada prison. Although he does have a history of showing put to places unannounced, allegedly.

November 18, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. An Australian morning TV show anchor wore the same suit every day for a year, sometimes going weeks between cleanings. Said his co-anchor, “I still prefer this to sitting next to Matt Lauer.”

2. The California Department of Corrections said that Charles Manson has been granted a marriage license and will be allowed to wed while in prison. So I’m no longer scared of Charles Manson, but I am now petrified of the person who agreed to marry Charles Manson.

3. According to a new study, merely recommending a calorie-counting app to overweight people and giving them access to it on their phones does not lead to weight loss. Mainly, because their fingers are too fat to operate the app.

4. On Monday, Boston Marathon champion Meb Keflezighi and Diamond League winner Jenny Simpson were named U.S. athletes of the year. Either that or the guy who made the announcement said Jenny’s name and then sneezed.

5. A 30-year Harlem resident who suffers from incontinence has been evicted from his apartment by a New York City judge who said the stench of his urine jeopardized the safety of other tenants. And yet, the F-train is still allowed to operate on a daily basis.

6. Pope Francis announced on Monday he will make his first official visit to the U.S next year. Quick, everyone, hide the porn.

7. Pope Francis announced on Monday he will make his first official visit to the U.S next year. He will be traveling to Philadelphia, the city that booed the Easter Bunny and pelted Santa Claus with snowballs. So I guess what I’m saying is, bring the Popemobile.

8. Last week, Paris Hilton won women’s newcomer of the year at an awards ceremony for DJs. So I’m sorry to the, I’m guessing, zero other nominees.

9. The company that makes Botox was recently sold for $6 billion. The former owner was happy with the sale price, at least I think he was, it was really hard to tell.

10. Yesterday, Time Magazine apologized to women for suggesting a ban on the word “feminist.” Said Time Magazine, “We’re sorry, we didn’t realize anyone was still reading Time Magazine.”

September 22, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Cleveland’s city planning commission approved artwork on Friday for a ten story-high banner of LeBron James, with his arms outstretched and “Cleveland” across the back of his jersey. But, just to be safe, they’re using extra-flammable paint.

2. Last week, actor Keanu Reeves awoke at 4 AM to find a stalker lounging in the library of his Los Angeles home. That’s crazy, Keanu has a library?

3. On Sunday, tens of thousands of people marched through Manhattan to bring attention to global climate change. Considering the seasons the Mets, the Yankees, the Giants and the Jets are having, it’s nice that New Yorkers got the opportunity to enjoy one parade this fall.

4. During a trip to the mostly Muslim nation of Albania, Pope Francis rebuked militants who act in the name of religion, saying no one can act as the “armor of God.” Then he quickly got back into his bulletproof Popemobile.

5. In the first quarter of Sunday’s game between Detroit and Green Bay, Lions linebacker Stephen Tulloch managed to hurt himself while celebrating a sack of Packer’s quarterback Aaron Rodgers. “No wonder we’ve been able to stay so healthy,” said the Jacksonville Jaguars.

6. On Friday, Mama June and Sugar Bear from the hit TLC reality show “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” revealed that they are separating. Legal experts predict a bitter custody battle over who gets the deep fryer.

7. On Friday, Crest said it would no longer be offering pink mouth guards to NFL players as part of the League’s annual Breast Cancer Awareness Month campaign this October. But the company will continue to give them away for free to all NFL wives and girlfriends.

8. Actress Angelina Jolie has been hired to direct a feature film about conservationist Richard Leaky’s campaign against ivory poachers that threaten Africa’s elephants. The movie’s working title is “Precious 2.”

9. Two conservative town council members in eastern Austria have resigned after a documentary film showed them singing and toasting one another in a basement filled with Nazi memorabilia. But, on the plus-side, it’s good to see Mel Gibson is back to making movies.

10. Basketball’s international regulatory body has announced that it will allow Sheikh, Muslim and Jewish players the right to wear religious headgear while playing. Because, apparently it wasn’t already easy enough to pick out the Jews on the court.

June 16, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A Long Island strip club held a promotion over the weekend where the first 100 dads to arrive on Fathers’ Day received free admission and a complimentary lap dance. The fathers were encouraged to bring along their daughters as it will be a convenient look into their future. 

2. Brazilian health officials handed out condoms to World Cup soccer fans in São Paulo on Friday. Even more impressive, they demonstrated how to use the condoms without using their hands. 

3. On Friday, Bolivian President Evo Morales presented UN Secretary General Bon Ki-moon with a cake made with coca leaves for his 70th birthday. And, in an unrelated story, those in attendance set a world record for fastest rendition of “Happy Birthday” ever.

4. A New Orleans woman had an unorthodox funeral over the weekend in which her body was seated at a table for a two day service, with a menthol cigarette in hand, disco balls overhead, a can of Busch beer in front of her and a bottle of Jack Daniels within reach. That story again, a New Orleans woman died and no one noticed for two days.

5. Taxi, a 14-year-old Texas girl’s seizure alert dog, received his own picture and entry into her muddle school’s yearbook. Even worse, Taxi was the valedictorian. 

6. Pope Francis told a Spanish newspaper that he prefers not to use a bulletproof Popemobile despite the dangers of an assassination because “at my age I don’t have much to lose.” But, if that’s the case, maybe it wasn’t a great idea to start that “beef” with 50 Cent.

7. Richard Grayson, an openly gay, former college professor who lives in Arizona said on Friday he is running as the Democratic candidate for the lone House of Representatives seat in Wyoming to protest the absence of other Democrats seeking the office in the conservative state. So far, Grayson has been polling well with Wyoming’s gay population, or as that demographic is more commonly known in the state, Richard Grayson.

8. Boston, Los Angeles, San Francisco and Washington comprise the list of candidate cities for a potential U.S. bid to host the 2024 Summer Games, the U.S. Olympic Committee said on Friday. Candidates, on your mark, get set, bribe!

9. The owner of a mine in Canada’s historic Yukon gold belt wants to sell the property for $2 million in the virtual currency bitcoin. That story again, a mine owner is looking to sell a worthless mine.

10. According to scientists, a fossil mastodon skull found by a group attending a bachelor party at a New Mexico lakeshore is more than 10 million years old. Said the bachelor party, “I swear, the stripper was like that too when we got here.”

March 26, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. There are rumors the Backstreet Boys and the Spice Girls may be teaming up for a world tour. Which many experts see as Obama’s biggest threat to Putin as of yet.

2. Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell is getting a lot of flak for a reelection campaign video that features a clip of Duke’s basketball team celebrating a victory instead of the in-state Kentucky Wildcats. But, in McConnell’s defense, any Wildcat victory he showed from any of head coach John Calipari’s teams will most likely be vacated sometime in the near future anyway.

3. Not Italy and not France, but Spain was the world’s biggest wine producer in 2013. Upon hearing the news, one wine enthusiast said, “That’s amazing. Hoda’s Spanish, or something weird like that.”

4. Bill O’Reilly told the Washington Post that he is like Jesus because Jesus was the most hated man 2000 years ago. “I get to be Judas,” said everyone in the world in unison.

5. Actress Emma Watson has hired a former NYPD officer for $160,000 a year to protect her from stalkers. Or as stalkers will see it, Emma’s playing hard-to-get.

6. Ralph Wilson, owner of the Buffalo Bills, died yesterday at the age of 95. Fortunately, if anyone is particularly skilled at dealing with loss, it’s Buffalo Bills fans.

7. According to a local newspaper, the corpse of a 66-year-old German woman who died more than six months ago was found in her apartment, in front of a television set that was still on. Authorities stumbled upon the body after attempting to locate the only person watching “American Idol” this season.

8. On Tuesday, the Chief Justice of Kenya’s Supreme Court told residents to take their disputes to witchdoctors instead of adding cases to the already overcrowded court system. “The government urging its citizens to go to doctors? Maybe I am from Kenya,” said President Obama.

9. Prior to this weekend’s nuclear summit, Japan has agreed to turn over hundreds of kilograms of sensitive nuclear material to the U.S. to be disposed of. “Look who’s been upgraded from U.S. to world’s dump, now,” said New Jersey.

10. Pope Francis, in an annual ceremony held to remember the hundreds of innocent people murdered by the Italian mafia, made a solemn plea for mobsters to change or else “end up in hell.” Then he quickly got back into his bullet-proof Pope-mobile.

January 9, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Honey Boo Boo and her family walked away from a car crash Monday without any serious injuries. Fortunately, everyone in her family has a body that comes with a built-in airbag. 

2. Honey Boo Boo and her family walked away from a car crash Monday without any serious injuries. The ice cream truck they hit sustained little damage as well, that is until Honey Boo Boo and her family got out of their car. 

3. Honey Boo Boo and her family walked away from a car crash Monday without any serious injuries. Mama June said, “It was really scary for us, since it was the first time any of us had been in a wreck.” That can’t be right, because I’m pretty sure your husband had to have sex with you at some point to have those kids. 

4. On Wednesday, while driving through a crowd of followers, Pope Francis picked up a priest he knew from Buenos Aires and gave him a lift in the Popemobile. Unfortunately, his hitch-hiking friend didn’t have any grass or gas money, so …

5.  Border Patrol officers foiled a smuggling attempt at the U.S.-Mexico border when they discovered a woman contorted and hidden inside a suitcase.  Said the woman upon discovery, “Ta-da?”

6. President Obama and other top administration officials rallied around Vice President Joe Biden on Wednesday after former Secretary of Defense Robert Gates criticized him sharply in his memoir. Luckily the book doesn’t have any pictures, so there’s no chance Biden will ever read it. 

7. Researchers in Florida believe they have discovered a low-cost way to improve football helmets and better protect players from concussions. That low-cost fix, adding a Jacksonville Jaguars sticker to all helmets, they don’t hit anybody. 

8. Newly released emails suggest a personal vendetta led to a decision by New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s office to block access to the George Washington bridge thus clogging traffic. Said Christie, “It was a minor oversight, luckily it’s an easy fix. I have a plumber on speed dial who helps me out whenever I clog something.”

9. On Wednesday, hip-hop duo Insane Clown Posse sued the FBI after the agency labeled the group’s fan base as a criminal gang. “That’s insulting, we have much better taste in music,” said real gangs.

10. A 33-year-old Oklahoma man has been charged with killing his stepfather by giving him an ‘atomic wedgie,’ that caused the victim to suffocate on his own underwear. So good luck not laughing at that funeral. 

11. Boxes filled with bananas and cocaine were delivered to five Berlin supermarkets on Tuesday in what police are calling a ‘”logistical error” by drug smugglers. Which would explain why yesterday Curious George was so damn curious. He would not shut up. 

12. On Wednesday, “Saturday Night Live” hired two black female writers, one day after adding a black female comedian to its cast. Said long-time producer Lorne Michaels, “We cool now?”

Monologue Jokes – March 14, 2013

All Pope jokes, all the time (or at least today)

1. Yesterday Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina was elected Pope Francis, becoming the first Latin American Pope ever. Pope Francis’s first official action was to convert the Popemobile into a low-rider with hydraulics and put the old Popemobile up on blocks on the front lawn of the Vatican.

2. The papal conclave voted five times over the span of two days before electing Cardinal Bergoglio as Pope. Can you imagine how much longer it would have taken if there were female cardinals?

3. Upon his election Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio changed his name to Francis. Typical, a Hispanic gets a little bit of clout and immediately tries to bury his latino past, right Carlos Estevez or should I say Charlie Sheen?

4. Upon his election Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio changed his name to Francis. Good idea Heavenly Father, much easier to get credit with the name Francis.

5. Upon his election Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio changed his name to Francis. Francis? Good luck avoiding wedgies in the halls of the Vatican with a name like that.

6. Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, the Archbishop of Buenos Aires, was elected Pope Francis. While Archbishop, Bergoglio led a simple life; He lived in a small apartment, took mass transportation to work and, as far as we know, was never a Nazi.

7. After two days of voting, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio was elected as the next Pope. Can you imagine the bitches he’s gonna get now?

8. Yesterday Jorge Mario Bergoglio, the Archbishop of Buenos Aires, was elected the next Pope. To celebrate his promotion I sent Cardinal Bergoglio a gift, it’s a crucifix, hope he doesn’t already have one.

9. Yesterday a new Pope was elected, ending the papal conclave of 2013 and beginning the journey home for the 115 Cardinals that made up the conclave. So it’s back on high alert altar boys.

10. Yesterday a new Pope was elected, ending the papal conclave of 2013 and beginning the journey home for the 115 Cardinals that made up the conclave. But before they left the Cardinals signed each others’ yearbooks, promised to stay in touch and agreed this was the bestest conclave ever.

11. Yesterday Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina was elected the next Pope. That was a fun week, now can we all agree to go back to ignoring the church and it’s stupid and outdated rules?

12. Yesterday Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina was elected Pope Francis. The Pope is 76-years-old, so see you back here in five years? Look, I’m just saying maybe don’t redecorate the Vatican.